


Protectors of the Plot Continuum

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Canon - Enhances original, Canon - Non-canonical to good purpose, Canon - Outstanding AU/reinterpretation, Canon - Solves frequent reader complaint, Characters - Good use of minor character(s), Characters - Good villain(s), Characters - New interpretation, Characters - OOC to good purpose, Characters - Outstanding OC(s), Characters - Strongly in character, Characters - Unusual relationship(s), Humor, Other - Freeform, Plot - Can't stop reading, Plot - Fast moving, Plot - Good pacing, Plot - I reread often, Plot - Joy, Plot - Surprising reversals, Subjects - Explores obscure facts, Writing - Clear prose, Writing - Engaging style, Writing - Good use of humor, Writing - Well-handled PoV(s), Writing - Well-handled dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2002-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-06 06:34:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 99,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4211760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."</p><p>Acacia and Jay's valiant attempt to protect the LOTR plot continuum from Clueless Fanfiction Writers (CFWs).  Exiled from fanfiction.net, they continue their needful labors. Hail the PPC!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rambling Band

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

"It's happened again." Jay leaned back from her console, indicating a flashing red light. "Someone's mucking with the plot continuum."

Acacia sighed. "Exactly what is so wrong with the canon that everyone wants to break it?" she demanded rhetorically. "Which world?"

"Lord of the Rings." Jay winced. "The massacre of Tolkein continues. We have.......a Mary Sue."

Acacia sighed. "Usually the case. What species is she this time, and what's she done to break it?"

"Human. Magically transported from earth, along with her band. Of COURSE she's joining the fellowship.........and you'll love this. She's stringing Boromir along while enjoying herself with Legolas." Jay looked sideways at her partner, hoping that this news wouldn't be too disturbing.

Acacia glared. "Let me see this," she insisted, pushing Jay out of her seat without waiting for an answer. She started pressing buttons seemingly at random, glared at the screen as if hoping to burn the words off it by sheer force of stare, then stood up. "Well, let's go then!"

Jay tapped something on the console, causing an odd hum. A rather unimpressive flicker appeared in the air, taking on the appearance of an oblong doorway. "Come on, Acy," she said, using her friend's dreaded nickname. "Let's hunt some Sue."

Acacia muttered something that sounded like "Don't CALL me that," but stepped through the doorway very quickly. Jay followed suit.

As Jay stepped through the portal, she felt her chosen guise fall into place around her.......she made a rather impressive Uruk-hai, if she did say so herself. She took the formidable black bow from her shoulder, testing the string, and counted the arrows in her quiver. Then, she took her Character Analysis Device and set it. "I'm all ready, Acacia--you?"

Acacia looked around. It was always a bit disorienting, being in a world made of someone else's words, particularly when the canon was so stretched by the presence of not only a Mary Sue but--as a glance at her own Canon Analysis Device showed--canonical characters acting out of character. She took an arrow from her own quiver and first smelled, then gingerly tasted the point. The smell and bitter taste confirmed that it was in fact poisoned, and she put it back in the quiver, satisfied. "All ready."

The pair had arrived just outside of Rivendell--its gentle glow lit the early morning. Acacia led the way, Jay following, as they crossed into the beautiful city. Jay felt the familiar comforting tingle; the world knew that they were there to help, and so it concealed them, welcomed them... Jay stopped, pointing quietly through a window at a quiet conversation.

Arwen stood inside, talking to the three obviously non canon humans. "I must go and make ready the banquet for tonight. I will come by to help you get ready, Lady Laurel. The seamstress should have the gown ready within the hour."

One of the humans, the only girl, struck a confused pose. "Gown?"

Arwen smiled, a glassy look in her eyes, "Yes, you cannot wear your clothes. A gown would be much more suitable. Cole and Geoff will wear robes, of course. Until tonight, then".....

Jay gasped. "That's....that's not right.....Arwen doesn't act like that.......why the hell is she putting the bint in a gown?"

"Since when do the males wear robes?" Acacia volunteered. "They certainly weren't in robes when *I* read the story. And it doesn't matter that Arwen doesn't act like that, we wouldn't be here at all if the canon were intact."

Jay looked pained, and drew Acacia away from the window. "Any excuse to be in a pretty dress....." She blinked, as the memories-of-what could be flashed in front of her eyes. "Oh, GODDESS...Arwen does her HAIR, later......" Jay whipped out her Analysis Device, and reluctantly went back to the window. The tiny readout flashed solemnly.

[Geoff. Human male. Non canon. Bit character.] She turned it to the next person.

[Cole. Human male. Non canon. Bit character.]

Then.....to the female. She was prepared for the urgently flashing red letters.

[Laurel. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

Acacia sighed. "I wish we could just shoot the girl and go. Having to get *all* the non-canons is a pain." She approached the window and flicked her own Analysis Device--a different type from Jay's--at Arwen.

[Arwen Evenstar. Elf female. Canon. Out of Character 49.72 %.]

They retreated into the shadows. "The Council is meeting tonight, on that nice outdoor dais" Jay whispered. It'll hurt watching them steal the spotlight.......but I don't think we can do the Duty until they're out of Rivendell."

"Why?" said Acacia, knowing the reason full well but wanting it explained again anyway.

"They haven't officially ruined the continuum until they've joined the fellowship. Be patient."

Acacia sighed. "I just want to know why sending everyone out of character doesn't count. Oh, well.."

They waited through the little remaining daylight, observing, taking notes (and, as this palled quickly, playing Egyptian Rat-screw with a pack of cards they had foresightedly brought along).. As protectors of the continuum, true characters found it difficult to notice them...even disguised as a pair of hulking Uruk-hai. They had to keep out of the way of the non-canon characters, of course, but this was not difficult. The girl was usually inside (and, to Jay's disgust, Arwen did INDEED do her hair), and without the girl around, the bit-character-males were blank and lifeless. Just as Acacia had fallen asleep, and Jay was nodding off, Acacia's Analysis Device suddenly let off a shrill--just as Legolas went by. The tall elf blinked at the half-heard sound, and wandered unsteadily away--Jay grabbed the indicator.

[65.2% CHARACTER RUPTURE!] it flashed at her, still shrilling. Tapping the button to reset the alarm, Jay left her friend sleeping and hurried after the elf. He walked as if dazed; his eyes were glassy and unfocused.

"What's WRONG with you?" Jay gripped him by the arms and stared into his eyes, making herself felt.

"Laurel......beautiful Laurel.......beautiful voice, Laurel....dream of the archer..gentle archer.......Laur--lau...." He gasped and shuddered in Jay's grip. His eyes lost the dazed look, and he stared fearfully into Jay's eyes. "Help me....."

"It's all right. We're here to fix it." She let go and retreated into the shadows, feeling not a little depressed as she watched Legolas fall back under the sway of the Mary Sue.

**

As night finally fell, Laurel and her happy little band walked out onto the dais. Laurel was escorted by a blushing Frodo, obviously bespelled. Legolas met her eyes from across the room, looking painfully lovestruck. Laurel and the two men took their places together, and began to sing, a modern song (Led Zeppelin, if Jay had any guess.)

It......wasn't that good. Led Zeppelin just wasn't meant for the harp.

Acacia made a face at the sound of the music. It wasn't even as if she had anything to drown it out- she had finally been forced to turn off the sound on her Analysis Device, or risk being deafened by its by-now-constant shrills.

As the music ended, all of the canon characters beamed at the band. Jay winced as Strider and Gandalf cheered.....even Elrond and Arwen were smiling interestedly , although Elrond's smile looked a bit forced. _Ah,_ thought Jay, sharing a glance with her friend. _The man's no fool._

Acacia smiled faintly, but resumed her grim expression as she aimed her Analysis Device at each canon character in turn and read the rather depressing results. Jay couldn't help noticing the ridiculous amount of times it was pointed at Boromir, always with the same result- basically, that he was so far out of character he couldn't poke the canon with a very long pole.

Jay patted her friend's arm comfortingly. "It'll be all right....." She turned her attention back to the council.

Gandalf had stood up and taken Laurel's hand. "You are quite talented, young lady. You have woven a spell over everyone with your song. Are you sure you know no magic?"

Laurel smiled demurely at Gandalf, "I am positive. I didn't write it, so it is not my magic."

Jay tried not to retch. _You even affected Gandalf, you slime mold. You richly deserve what you've got coming..._

It was then that she noticed Laurel wandering off towards a balcony...and Boromir following, with a dazed expression on his face. She poked Acacia in the arm, and pointed.

Acacia's jaw dropped. "But you **said** that Legolas-" she began, then hurried off to a vantage point from the bushes under the balcony.

Jay followed hurriedly. "BOTH of them, I said. Remember?" _Oh, dear._

When Jay caught up with her, Acacia was not glaring venomously at the scene on the balcony, but had the slightly unfocused expression that meant she was listening to the words that made the world, and in fact reading ahead of the here-and-now. Jay shook her gently, and she focused again, and *now* started glaring at the balcony.

And scrabbling for her quiver.

"Are you crazy?" demanded Jay, snatching Acacia's bow away and hoping Acacia wouldn't just try to throw the arrow like a dart.

"No, but whoever came up with this Sue **is**. And look at this-" she showed Jay the Device- "it's even worse than at the Council, they've just about made up a whole new character and named him Boromir, I am NOT standing for this, give me back my bow!"

"Not until they're out of Rivendell! NOT UNTIL THEY'RE OUT. We'll be able to save him then." A faint beep erupted from Jay's pack. She pulled out her Character Analysis Device, which was warbling strangely.

[Boromir. Human male. Canon/noncanon/canonnoncanon/canon/nonononnoncanon/ 404 Mr. Jelly Mr. Jelly! divide by eggplant, please reinstall universe and reboot fatal errorerrorerrorerrorerro-*]

As Jay looked on in shock, the handheld computer died.

"You see?" demanded Acacia. "It can't even tell the difference anymore! It's bad enough changing the canon this much, but **replacing** it? Come on, it's not like I have bad aim, I can hit her from here!"

"No." Jay looked grim. "But soon." _Don't blame her, though. If she'd mucked with Elrond's mind like that, I'd've shot her then and there._

Acacia sighed, and subsided. When she started watching the words again, Jay figured it was safe to give back the bow. Acacia's murderous mood seemed to have passed, although her constant muttering on the lines of "If you think he's such a jerk, why are you kissing him?" indicated she was still quite upset.

"Cheer up, Acacia," Jay said gently. "Take your mind off of her. Look, she's going for a walk on the beach.....he'll snap out of it for a little while......." A faint smile flickered across her face. "Besides. I think it's time to sample some of the finer pleasures of Protecting the Plot Continuum." With that, she pulled out a polaroid camera.

"A camera." Acacia stared at Jay. "PLEASE. You have the maturity of a blueberry muffin!"

Jay sensed too late that her partner wasn't in the mood. _Damn. She's gone all the way to 5 on the S. Vimes Cynicism scale. Not even some...nice pictures of Boromir will pull her out of it._ "Suit yerself." Jay smiled and backed away out of arm's range. "I'll just go get a few more nuggets for my scrapbook, mm?"

Acacia scowled, but muttered assent, took the cards from her gear and, after Jay had left, played Solitaire until she got bored with it and started using the cards for target practice. Jay would be rather upset when she found out about this.

Behind her, Jay her the sound of righteous irritation as manifested by a 50 pound pull bowstring and a few truly big ass arrows. _Wonder what she's using as a target....?_ She plodded on, with only a vague idea of what she was looking for.....the polaroid caught a few nice shots of some eye-candyish elves, and of course Rivendell in itself was photogenic......Then she saw it. Or him, rather. You could see a lot through the wide open architecture, if you weren't too prudish to look through a few windows. _Elrond. YUM._ The polaroid whirred.

In the meantime Acacia, having run out of arrows, was having a less fun time prising them out of the trees where they had stuck, taking the impaled playing cards off them, verifying that they hadn't lost all their poison in the trees, and returning them to her quiver.

Not wanting to have to go through all that again, and without any intact playing cards (Well.. a few. But there had been fewer arrows than cards), she abruptly became bored and- because there was a streak of mischief in her, particularly when so upset- began looking around for prickly things to hide in the shoes that Laurel had left behind as she went off on a nauseatingly sentimental walk on the romantically moonlit beach.

Jay, for her part, was still peeping through the window. _Yes, please turn this way.....awright!_ Only then did she stride away into the night, feeling satisfied. _Hope Acy's having this much fun._

Indeed, Acacia had successfully found some burrs. Resisting the temptation to add a piece of sharp rusty metal or one of her arrowheads, she lined the bottom bit of the shoes with them, then smiled in a faintly smug way. "Can't shoot you yet," she whispered to herself, "but no one said I can't make life difficult.."

Jay rejoined her just as she had finished this enjoyable task. "The fellowship sets out tomorrow. Want to camp in here? Or out in the woods?"

"The woods," Acacia said promptly. "It's nice here, but I want to be as far away from all this disgusting sentimentality as possible tonight."

They distanced themselves from the Homely House; Jay broke out the sleeping bags; a discreet fire was lit, canonical mutton was toasted, and non-alchoholic beverages were quaffed. After a unanimous refusal to sing campfire songs, the pair drifted off to sleep.

At dawn, ("Dusk, damnit, it was dusk!" whimpered Jay, as Acacia's Canon Analysis Device flashed accusingly) the fellowship set out from Rivendell. Laurel was, strangely enough, limping. Not attractively, either.

Acacia grinned at the sight of the strange way she was walking, as if trying not to put weight on either foot. "Now we can shoot her, right?" she asked.

"Waaaait for it," said Jay. "Now, let's go!"

Acacia stepped out of the concealing bushes directly in front of the Fellowship, bow levelled at Laurel. "Hello, everyone," she said in a light conversational tone, "if Laurel would step out in front of everyone, I would be much obliged."

The fellowship stared as the orc began to recite; "It is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, bringing twenty-first century knowledge to Middle-Earth, interfering with the characters of.... at least ten people, so I won't list them all, but most severely Legolas and Boromir, and also being a Mary Sue." Laurel looked delicate and frightened: from her vantage in the bushes, Jay noticed Leglas and Boromir (and Merry...and Pippin...and the rest of the fellowship) fighting not to come to her aid.

Acacia continued. "I won't be reading you your rights, because you don't have them. Yes, I **do** know what I look like, in order not to further disrupt the canon I had to appear as something that might realistically shoot a member of the Fellowship. Now," she added, taking more careful aim and grinning broadly, "any last words? And nothing disgustingly sentimental, please."

"You c-can't kill me!" Laurel gasped piteously. "We were transported here by...by accident.....I don't even know this universe.....I was just in it for the sex, drugs and rock'n'-"

"Sorry," said Acacia airily, not sounding sorry at all. "These things happen. Jay," she addressed the shrubbery, "stop anyone trying to save her in some nauseating fashion like throwing themselves in front of the arrow, please."

She fired. Laurel, being a Mary Sue, didn't intend to die so easily and dodged. That was why the shot went into her shoulder, and not her heart. (Meanwhile, the men of the party had as a body rushed forward to save her; things would have gone pear shaped if another orc hadn't strolled out of the bushes, tripped Legolas, and watched the rest of them fall over him.)

Acacia's poison could kill a full-grown man in seconds with only a few drops. That was why it didn't matter. Acacia's poison had several other lovely redeeming features; for one, it paralysed the vocal cords, snuffing any risk of tear-jerking "dying words". Geoff and Cole, the two bit characters, stood slackjawed as Laurel died--or, at least, they stood there until two thick black arrows hit them each squarely between the eyes. Jay never used poison on her arrows. When you aim for the head, you don't need to.

Legolas had, by this time, managed to extricate himself from the pile of characters. Pausing only to snarl tearfully at the orc that had tripped him, he rushed to Laurel's side and flung himself onto her chest; Boromir (on top of the pile) regarded him with a glare of jealous hatred. Finally, as Legolas wept helplessly, Laurel departed this world.

It was as if a switch had been flipped. Legolas blinked, and threw himself back from the body in disgust; he ripped a mangled flower out of a chest pocket and stared at it. Boromir shook his head in disbelief, and shot an apologetic look at the elf. The other canon characters, by this time untangled, blinked as if out of a spell.....Merry and Pippin looked at each other...

"We let her smoke our weed..."

"And she touched our pipe!"

Gandalf looked ill. "'You have woven a spell over everyone with your song'? Ugh...."

Frodo was looking at the body with malice in his gentle eyes: Sam was already kicking it. Aragorn had settled for banging his head against a tree. Gimli, largely ignored by the late Mary Sue, watched this with some amusement.

Acacia grinned. "Okay, **now** give me that camera," she said.

Jay handed it over with a smile.

A few strange clicking noises later, the pair of orcs were gone. No one saw them go. No one had seen them arrive. And they certainly hadn't shot Laurel, because Laurel had never turned up.

Back in Headquarters, Jay and Acacia eyed the three dead bodies lying on the floor.

"What do we do with these?" Acacia wondered. "We can't keep them here, they'll stink up the place."

Jay grinned. "Eco-friendly disposal." She hit a few more buttons, and another portal opened in the air. She pitched the girl and one of the guys through, slung the other over her shoulder with a grunt, and waved Acacia through.

Acacia stepped through the portal, and grinned.

They had arrived at the picturesque walls of the Mines of Moria. Jay smiled, and tossed a stick into the gate pool. "Cooo-ee! Heeere, baby, heere, sweety, momma's back.....she brought you lovely snacks, sweety."  
Acacia shot an odd look at her friend.

They both grinned as tentacles reached out to accept the mortal remains of the unoriginal characters. It was safe enough, for the canon; the Watcher in the Water would be hungry again soon enough, and Acacia's poison was harmless to eat, which was why she'd chosen it.

"Ooosagoodboyden?" Jay tickled a tentacle. "Smile!" The watcher's grotesque head appeared from out of the dark water. Jay snapped a picture happily. She hit the remote trigger, and they stepped through the portal.

Acacia leaned back in her chair, smiling happily in the knowledge of a job well done. Jay started unpacking their gear and storing it in the cupboards marked "General" and "Middle-Earth" for the next time it was needed, whistling to herself.

Until she noticed what Acacia had done to the cards.

[Acacia's A/N: Yes, Boromir *is* my favorite character in the whole of the canon. Anyone flaming me on the basis of that will be laughed at. And there really *is* a poison that does what the one I used in this story does; kudos to anyone who guesses it correctly. Fanmail will be used for the lovely warm glow it gives, constructive crit will be appreciated and possibly even heeded, ideas for new fics to do this to will be put on a List, flames will be used to cremate our next Mary Sue victim.]

[Jay's A/N: Acy loves Boromir.....and, yeah, ya guessed it, I'm all for lord Halfelven. Egyptian rat-screw is really a game (think a ballistic cross of slap-jack and war). If you haven't read the fic this is derived from, by the way...DON'T!! It HURTS! We do appreciate fanmail--and suggestions, too, please show us your favorite Mary-Sue: this was too much fun to just do once... Critiques go to Acacia, because a failing of mine is inability to deal with criticism. (even good criticism.) Flames are funny. I will laugh at your flames as they charbroil the deserving.]


	2. Chosen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

[Acacia's A/N: Acacia's starting to scare me. And that's sad, because I'm her. We only got **one** Mary Sue suggestion this time, people! Surely you know some you'd like killed? Anyway, it's a new chapter. And Jay got some new cards.]

[Jay's A/N: "One's a bloodthirsty killer. One's a flake with a Polaroid. They fight crime!" Or something to that effect. I want to thank everyone who's reviewed this story. We appreciate it greatly! A special thank you to Architeuthis, who reported this story... The obligatory apologies to Kaos Girl....Oh, and if you haven't read the MST of the story Chosen, do so! Now! Read it!]

The light began flashing again. Buttons were pressed. Jay coughed to attract the attention of Acacia, who wasn't paying much attention after having been yelled at for shooting their playing cards full of holes.

Finally, Jay snarled and reached under the desk to reveal two wicked looking pieces of metal, twined with a thick dark thread. 

Even someone who's trying to ignore you will respond when hit over the head with knitting needles.

"Ow!" Acacia said. "What was that for?"

"We have work to do. Someone called Architeuthis reported another Mary Sue."

Acacia sighed. " **Another** one? So soon?"

"Yes. Civilian Architeuthis was very clear on this--very worried." Jay smiled nastily. "She's the daughter of Galadriel. And she sings Nickelback songs as she walks bravely through the woods."

"Oh, **gods** ," groaned Acacia. "Only.. hold on.. if she's Galadriel's daughter, how does she **know** Nickelback songs?"

"She's been working at K-mart. She's too moral and Liberated to take a job as a model, but she's perfect in eeeevery way..." Jay watched Acacia starting to get worked up; she grinned, started knitting again, and let nature take it's course.

"How does an Elf get a job at K-mart? There's still thousands of years to contend with here.." 

"She was sent to the future. All the better to create a sad and repressed life to break free of."

"Oh, **gods** ," Acacia said again. "And she falls in love with Legolas, am I right? Yes? Okay, so get us there!"

Jay smiled and put her needles back into a pocket on her gear. "If we hurry, we may be treated to her rendition of Smooth Criminal...."

"Not if she hasn't got an intact throat, we won't," muttered Acacia darkly.

" Now, dear. You know the drill. She'll join the fellowship soon...." Jay's hand hovered over the canon disguise settings. "Orcs again?"

"Not much choice, is there?" said Acacia. "These Mary Sues are very rarely attacked by the evil Men, have you noticed that?"

"Such a pity. Ooh! She's got Gollum after her...." Jay's smile got a little forced, and her eyes went glassy. "Poor little stinker, I just can't watch him fall into the fire again." 

"Yeah, good, but we can't **both** be Gollum, and I'm quite sure neither of us will let the other have all the fun. Orcs it is."

"No, no, I know. I was just saying..." Jay packed her Polaroid quickly, illiciting a glare from Acacia. For her part, Acacia had never understood her friend's maternal affection for things scaly, dark, and slimy...

"Can we go now?" she demanded.

"Coming, coming." Jay tapped the keys to set their disguises and open the portal. "So impatient. This one's ignoring Boromir, you know...."

" **Good** ," growled Acacia, grabbing her gear and stepping through.

Sure enough, the brave strains of Alien Antfarm were echoing through the forest, even as the pair stepped into Middle Earth. Jay winced and slipped on a pair of headphones.

Acacia, without **quite** as much foresight as Jay, had neglected to bring along a Walkman and had to be content with plugging her ears with her fingers and humming Everything You Want to drown out the Mary Sue's singing.

"So when do we off her?" Jay mouthed. She watched the words of the world, looking for the true break in Canon. Suddenly, she started. "BEFORE she starts getting poor Gollum out of character. And singing Linkin Park, worse........."

"..but he means nothing to you and you don't know why- huh? Oh. Um.."

"She'll get herself captured by Orcs, pretty soon--and then the fellowship will break UP to find her. Sounds like a breach of Canon to me--not that inserting a NEW ring of power isn't."

Acacia nodded. "Okay, so we shoot her just before that, right?"

"Absolutely. Or fall in with the Orcs that take her--I hear Isengard is lovely this time of year."

"Yeah," Acacia agreed. "Hook up with the Orcs, kill her instead of capturing. Sound good to you?"

"I like it. We can give Saruman some pointers. 'Lesson 1: Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.....'" Jay turned up the volume on her headphones and started to whistle unconcernedly. It would be some time--Galadriel had to claim the bint first, with tears and angst, and then she would run away like a brave little Sue....so easy.

"Yes, the Evil Overlord List," muttered Acacia, grinning, and then picked up where she'd left off in the song. "But you'll just sit tight, and watch it unwind.."

They walked for some time through the golden wood, enjoying the scenery. Jay borrowed her partner's canon analysis device and waved it aimlessly whenever they came in contact with anyone. "Amazing. Only Legolas is Out of Order........and Galadriel, but she deserves it..."

Acacia peeked over her friend's shoulder at the various readouts. "More or less, but have you noticed that no one's totally in character? Better than major fiascos, yes, but.." she shrugged, looked at the words for awhile, and then said "Oh, good grief. You know, with great power may come great responsibility, but until it turns up wouldn't any normal person be saying 'Whee! Great Power! Yay!'"

"It's not so bad as Rambling Band." Jay was obviously in a forgiving mood. "Perhaps we can forgo feeding her live to the Watcher?"

"Well...okay," said Acacia reluctantly.

"What do we do until then?" said Jay. "I mean, now that we haven't got any cards.."

"I **said** I was sorry!" Acacia said defensively. "Anyway, **you** 've got a Walkman. I didn't bring one."

"It's your own fault."

"I **meant** that you've got music to listen to."

Jay shrugged, sat back leaning against a tree, and put her headphones on, relaxing to the mind-numbing strains of harsh German industrial. Acacia sat on some of the softer items in her gear, back against a tree, and sang Lifehouse songs quietly to herself for a while.

After awhile Acacia tapped Jay on the shoulder. Jay took off her headphones and looked up.

"I think it's about time for the Sue to find out who she is and go running off in a fit of self-pity despite the fact that any normal person would be delighted," Acacia said, "and if we're going to be with the Orcs when she's captured we may want to hurry. Should we go now?"

Jay nodded happily. "With a will." The Sue had been singing again, and most of Jay's sympathy for her was gone. "Always. Always they sing. Perfectly. And they're modest about it. That can't be right."

Acacia repacked the things she'd been sitting on, and looked around for the right direction. "Where did you get the impression anything to do with Mary Sues was going to be right?"

Jay shrugged. "I was lulled into a false sense of security by decent grammar."

Acacia grinned. "So, which way's Isengard?"

"Thisaway!" Jay wandered into the brush with a most un-orcian spring in her step.

Acacia followed, smiling in a faintly disturbing way.

"You look cheerful, dear. Something on your mind?"

"Nothing," said Acacia unconvincingly.

Jay, suitably unconvinced, made an odd whistling sound through her teeth and walked on. After a while, she paused and listened--there was the crunch of large feet, and the distinctive swish-thwap of branches being pushed out of the way to smack the face of the person behind the pusher. "Yrch." 

Acacia nodded. Soon, about a dozen black-clad Uruk-hai came blundering through the bush--the pair simply fell in behind them, unnoticed.

"So," Jay said conversationally as they marched along. "What WERE you smiling about?"

"I was remembering something I read once. About this particular Mary Sue, actually. It was quite funny.."

"Speak."

"Do you read MSTs? It was one of those."

"Wunderbar! This would be a great story to MST." Jay gave her the patented "sparkly paying attention" look--a bit out of place on an orc, really.

Acacia shrugged, and on an orc this also looked slightly incongruous. "They made some crack about whoopie cushions, as I recall. Don't remember word for word. Was quite silly."

"You'll have to show me when we get back to base." Now Jay was smiling oddly.

"Okay..."

The conversation was broken off as the leader of the small party snarled something in Orcish, and everyone halted. He pointed out through the boughs of a low tree, where the Sue sat--fighting with Gollum. She had him in a choke hold, and was sneering an insult at him, when the little creature bit her. "Yes! You go!" Jay clapped. 

Acacia smiled faintly as the Orcs headed forward, one knocking Phoenix cold with the flat of his sword. "Who does the honors, you or me?" she asked.

"You got the last one."

"Okay."

Jay stepped forward and slung the unconcious girl over her shoulder. The orcs blinked oddly, trying to focus on her--short attention spans ran out, and they shrugged and wandered away.

"I love it when they're elves. So much lighter than humans." She started walking towards Isengarde again. "Let's head this way till she wakes up, okay?"

"Why can't we just cut her throat while she's out of it?" wondered Acacia.

"We have to charge her. Really. It's in the _ruuuules_." Jay rolled her eyes and mumbled something that sounded a bit like "bloodthirsty." On her shoulder, the Sue slept on.

"She's taking her sweet time waking up," Acacia complained a while later.

"She was out like a light until she'd been in Orthanc for a while," Jay pointed out. "However, since we're about there, I recommend we dunk her in the Isen and see if that wakes her up."

"Okay," said Acacia. "Maybe she'll drown, too."

Jay raised an eyebrow. "Repeat after me: rules."

Acacia sighed. "Rules."

"Good girl!" Jay gave another disturbingly cheerful smile (especially disturbing, considering the teeth she was sporting at the moment.) "Oh, here we are." She dropped the limp body roughly at the banks of the Isen River.

Acacia smiled faintly. "I'll write down the charge list for you while you wake her up, kay?"

Without a word, Jay picked the Sue up by the feet and dunked her headfirst in the murky water. When the elf girl started to thrash and splutter, Jay pulled her out and let her sprawl on the bank. "Wakey WAKEY!"

Acacia took the elf's shoulder, holding her upright, and handed the charge list to Jay, who read, "It is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, bringing twenty-first century knowledge to Middle-Earth, interfering with the characters of Galadriel and Legolas, being a Mary Sue, and really annoying Acacia- ACACIA!"

Acacia looked innocent.

"This is the last time YOU get to write the charges list." Jay turned back to the Sue. "And lastly, for getting yourself captured like an idiot and having the fellowship break up just to rescue you." She thought for a moment. "And yelling at Gollum."

Acacia rolled her eyes. "Any last words?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Phoenix, looking frightened. "I didn't ask for this!"

Acacia snorted derisively. "Now that we've charged her, can we kill her already?"

"So bloodthirsty, Acy! Really-"

"Hold it." The Mary Sue stood up on her own feet, doing her best to look witty and defiant. "This is one of those 'good cop, bad cop' things, isn't it? I don't have to take this. If you were going to kill me, you would have-*" 

Even a bad archer would have been hard pressed to miss at this close a range. 

Jay looked down at the corpse. "I forget, Acacia, do orcs eat elf-flesh? I mean, as long as we're here-"

"Not sure. They eat humans, I know for a fact. Don't see why not."

A short time later, a few orcs were enjoying a surprise dinner, and Acacia and Jay were happily burdenless. Jay's Polaroid had been whisked out of her bag, and she was happily shooting at everything in site.

"Job well done," said Acacia in a satisfied tone of voice. "Shall we go back?"

"I want to see Orthanc. I don't have a picture of Saruman yet..."

"Okay," said Acacia, who knew full well that it was useless to try and stop Jay taking pictures when she'd got into a touristy mood. Besides, she **was** rather curious about what the inside of Orthanc really **looked** like.

She quickly found out, as Jay dragged her through it enthusiastically. Pictures of Saruman were taken...as were pictures of books, doors, the floor, random pieces of furniture, and in a moment of over zealousness, Jay's thumb. "Home now!" She said suddenly, and almost tossed Acacia through the portal.

Acacia recovered her balance quickly, gave Jay a dirty look, and sat down again in her seat.

Jay smiled brightly, and reached into her pockets. "Ta-da!" A pack of battered black foretelling cards fanned out in her hand.

“Where did you get those?!” Acacia exclaimed.

"He wasn't using them. He's going to die by the last book. And they're never explicitly mentioned--” The stream of rationalization was dazing.

"You stole them."

"Well-"

"You did."

"When you say stolen-"

"I mean you took them out of Orthanc without asking, when they didn't belong to you."

"Slightly stolen, maybe..."

"How can they be slightly stolen? "

"I wouldn't need them if you hadn't shot up mine-"

"That's hardly an excuse-"

Now, gentle reader, let us retire. Because they're going to go on like this for quite a while...

End


	3. Lady of the Fellowship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

[BEEEP!]

Lights flickered across the board, jerking the young woman slumped across the controls awake. " _SHEISTE_!" yelped Jay. (Oddly enough, Jay couldn't speak German, let alone think in it. This is what happens when you fall asleep listening to Rammstein.) Her yelp attracted the attention of the room's other occupant.

"Ye gods, Jay, what's happened?" demanded Acacia.

"Sorry!" Jay stopped to catch her breath. "Urgent report. Urgent warranting a bloody-loud beep report. A woman named Joan sent it." She let the Words flicker across her eyes-- and immediately collapsed in a semi-seizure.

"Good grief, *that* bad?" muttered Acacia, heading across and looking at Jay.

"B-b-bad.....bad grammar....." Jay whimpered. "Make the bad grammar go **'WAY**!"

"Oh, **grammar** ," said Acacia. "From your reaction, I thought maybe she was sleeping with Elrond or something--" She ducked just in time.

"That's not funny." Jay pouted. "Besides, we all know how you'd be acting if she were mucking about with Boromir--" 

"That's **no** excuse for throwing the chair at me."

"Bite me." Jay looked haughty.

"Well, **anyway** , it seems we've got another assignment," said Acacia, sounding inappropriately happy about this.

Jay rolled her eyes, and pressed the button to set their disguises.

-Dzat!- 

" _VERDAMMEN_!" Jay screamed, yanking her hand away from the crackling electricity.

"..what.. the hell.. just happened?" Acacia asked, looking worried.

"Mft msrtted!" Jay said, somewhat hampered by the fact that she was sucking on her fingers. Fortunately, Acacia was quick enough to catch it: "It shorted!"

"Well, THAT'S helpful!" Acacia snapped. "How do we run the mission without it?"

"Mfearch mfe."

"Well, I suppose we can try to fix it," said Acacia dubiously. "I mean, we're not just calling it off.."

"We should report to Upstairs," Jay said. "Or grab Makes-Things and make him fix it..."

"That'll take forever! Gods know how badly the canon will be screwed up by then. We can send him a message, and it'll probably be fixed by the time we get back, okay?"

"....allright..." Jay looked warily at her partner. "We'll have to wing this one." She reached out, and quickly tapped the portal button, jerking her hand away just in case. There was no spark, and the portal appeared faultlessly in the air. Jay relaxed and sighed.

"Well, the portal looks fine.." said Acacia. "Must be working anyway." She caught Jay looking askance and added, "Come on, at worst it just won't work and we'll turn up as ourselves."

"We KNOW we'll turn up as ourselves. I'm just worried about getting lost between dimensions." She shook her head, and grabbed her knitting-- if they were stuck in a timeless abyss, at least she'd have something to do. "Come on, then."

Acacia stepped through the portal and looked around. Jay hadn't arrived yet. She looked down at herself.. and stared. There was nothing there.

The portal flickered, but nothing came out-- but then, "Acacia? Acy? Where are you? This REALLY isn't funny...."

"Of course it isn't damn well funny," snapped Acacia with a slight edge of hysteria to her voice, "have you **looked** at yourself?"

"......WTF???" Jay managed to pronounce three consonants without vowels. "Oh, this is good. This is reeeeeally good."

"Could have fooled me," said Acacia sourly.

A piece of grass uprooted itself and was thrown in her general direction. "So now what? I mean, the fellowship just didn't get knocked out by invisible pixies in the book...."

Acacia suddenly stood up stock still. She'd just had an Idea. "Not pixies, no," she said, "but.. invisible..?" An evil grin crossed her face, which was rather a waste of expression since no one could see it.

"I mean," Jay went on, oblivious to her friend's smile (not hard)... "we-- we're freaking Dei ex machina, we're plot holes--"

"Not exactly," said Acacia impatiently. "Tell me.. do you have any idea where we can get black bedsheets, or something like that?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, "Oh, sorry. I was staring bemusedly in your direction." Another pause, in which Jay was pointlessly looking thoughtful. "We're near Rivendell. I just don't see the elves as being into black bedding....we can check."

"Okay," said Acacia, grinning invisibly.

"Where are you?" Jay moved forward, cautiuosly sweeping the air with her hand. Of course, according to the Universal Laws of Narrative Comedy, the hand missed completely and she tripped over Acacia.

"Right here," said Acacia, trying not to laugh.

There was a moment of fumbling, then something was thrust into her hand. By the feel of it, it was the end of a piece of yarn.

"Hang on to this."

"What for?"

"Would you like to get separated and and wander around lost in Middle-Earth?" Pause. "I mean, not that it doesn't have its appeal, but--"

"Point," Acacia conceded.

"Let's try not to wrap it round any trees. Just hang onto an end." There was a sigh. "This is going to make the Duty damn hard....Come on, let's look for some light-deprived beddery."

"On the bright side," Acacia volunteered, "we can watch this Sue's rendition of the Council from up close. I mean, it's not as if even the non-canons will see us.."

Jay nodded. Then, feeling like an idiot, she said "Sure. Good idea." She started towards Rivendell, tugging on the string, and felt the slack as Acacia followed.

"Nobody here seems to go in for black bedding, Acacia," said Jay after a cursory search of the more accessible and currently-unoccupied bedrooms.

Acacia sighed. "Well, we need to find **something** ," she said.

"Don't look at me." Embarrassed pause. "Err.....you know what I mean." Jay's invisible shoulders drooped. "Maybe we can hang around the ford and trip her when she crosses? Death by stupidity is fairly valid...."

"Could be--" Acacia began, and stopped. "The ford.. do you know how much further downstream it is till there's really, really shallow water?"

"Wasn't in the books. Wanna look?"

"Yeah," said Acacia. "Besides, it's been a couple days, if I recall correctly, so we may be able to find the place by the smell.." Jay gave her general vicinity an odd look, which was wasted.

"Right then." There was a slight tug on the string which was probably Jay shrugging. "It's a pretty ford, anyhow. Lead the way!"

"You think I've gone nuts, don't you?" said Acacia conversationally, as they reached the ford and started tracing the river downstream.

"A bit." There was a sharp tug on the yarn as Jay stooped to pick up an interesting rock. 

"Don't **tell** me you haven't guessed yet," Acacia continued.

"I'm sure it's a wonderful idea. Re-- what the heck?" There was a jerk on the yarn and a splash as Jay tripped over something.

"That's twice, now," said Acacia, with a smile in her voice.

"Shut up and untangle me."

"This is getting ridiculous," said Acacia as, after a few embarrassing false starts, she succeeded in helping Jay upright. "I'll be **so** glad when we get this over with and get that damn thing fixed."

"It's your own fault....although I'm going to throttle Makes-Things, too, just for grins..." The water splashed as she kicked at the black material that had tangled her feet. "Yugh. And what is that smell...."

"How was I supposed to know this would happen?" demanded Acacia. "But you're right about the smell. Something's rotting here. Waaaaiiit.. what was it you tripped over? Hah! Found it! This is what I was looking for!"

Jay thrust her palm into her forehead. "Okay. I feel stupid now."

Acacia grinned again and, realizing this was wasted effort, laughed out loud. "Just find another one, Jay, there should be eight more in the area. Sopping wet, but what else are we supposed to do?"

"I'm already wet. I don't mind." The cord was jerked out of her hand, and the large black cloak was slung into the air and over an invisible body. "Just stick in eyeshot of me."

"At least we'll be able to see one another. Well, where we **are** , anyway."

"Right then. OOH! SWORD!" 

"Fun," said Acacia happily. "Get me one, too."

"Yeth, Marthter." Jay 's black cape gave the Igor Lurch (tm) a whole new dimension. "Kahnife.....kahnife....kahnife hilt, watch out for Wraithlike fishies.....ah. Sword." She held it up.

"Thank **you** ," said Acacia, picking up the sword and looking around for more gear. Unfortunately, most of this was closer to the horses, which after several days were getting somewhat ripe.

"Poor horses. Should we bury them?"

"Sure," said Acacia mildly, "what were you planning on using for a shovel?"

Jay sighed. "Whatever. Found anything?"

"If you want souvenirs, sure," said Acacia, "but nothing we're likely to want to use."

"There were eight more.....only two more without the char marks." Jay splushed across and pulled away something tangled in a tree root. "Oops. Gonna have to settle for the char-- now come on, the Council will be starting soon."

"All right," said Acacia.

As the pair trudged up the winding path to Rivendell, they noticed four women, almost as dark as their black horses, riding serenely up the hill.

Jay waved an arm. "Oh. Wow. It's Wonder Woman and her three pals....an essential part of canon."

"I'd say you ought to get out your Analysis Device, only we can't see anything we brought through the portal with us," sighed Acacia. "This mission is going to get very difficult very **quickly**.."

Jay fumbled around her back, and there was an unzipping sound. The black robe waved a stiff arm at the party, and there was a

[bip].

Second member of the party--

[bip.]

Third.

[bip.]

The last, youngest, and most lovely and vulnerable......

**_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]_**

"Close enough."

The taller black cloak ducked behind a bush. "Acy? Hello? They can see you?"

"Whoops.. sorry, I'd gotten a bit too used to being invisible.." Acacia scrambled behind the bush as well. She rummaged in her own rather disorganized pack until she put her hand on something that felt like her own Analysis Device, waved it in the direction of the two nearest canonical characters, and was rewarded with beeps loud enough to require a fumble for the volume control. "Well, "Well, actual numbers or no, I think we know there's a problem," she said, noting Frodo's rather unfocused expression.

They shed their cloaks and, yarn in hand, made their way up to the dais. The four women took four extra chairs very conveniently set out. 

"Nice," Jay said, turning down the volume on her device.

Acacia, having turned hers off entirely and put it back in her pack while wishing fervently that there were some way to hook headphones up to it, agreed totally.

The council went amazingly authentically, although obviously Movie Based...except for the four women whispering among themselves. Jay wished vainly for some popcorn to throw at them. "Shut up. I wanna hear Elrond."

Acacia tried not to make audible signs of amusement at that.

It had been a long time since Acacia had been to the Council up close this way, for fear of being noticed by the non-canon characters, and she was rather enjoying it, even though Legolas and several other characters were smiling faintly at nothing in a way that had become depressingly familiar to her. She had to be careful not to laugh out loud at some of the things the Mary Sue and her relatives said, but this was not **too** difficult.

"Gimli doesn't like her," Jay whispered, probably grinning. "Funny how they leave him alone."

"Yeah, he's really one of the luckier characters," muttered Acacia. "I have yet to see one who doesn't ignore him."

"Except this one insults him." The young woman was shy and modest-- when not saying various blistering things about Gimli-- and so, when Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Boromir were proffering their respective instruments of destruction, her sisters volunteered her. She made a show of protesting, but naturally let herself be herded into it.

"You ten shall be the fellowship of the Ring," Elrond said, softly-- then blinked. "Ten..?" he said, as if to himself. "Must.... be symbolic somehow-- ten...." As the members of the fellowship talked among themselves, the elven lord was staring hard at them and trying to count.

Acacia sighed. "You know, if there was ever a good **reason** for having more than nine, I wouldn't object so much," she commented _sotto voce_. "Nothing ever makes sense.."

Jay didn't seem to be listening. The other assassin was, presumably, turned toward the bemused Elrond and wearing an aghast expression. "Acacia?"

"Yes?"

"This one's **mine**."

"You had the last one," said Acacia. "If you get this one, I get two. And.. wait.. how are we going to get all of the non-canons? The Sue leaves with the Fellowship and the rest stay.."

"We'll cut their throats in the night." Jay had blood in her voice. "You can have the next **three** , I don't care. But no one...... and I mean NO one..... messes with Halfelven."

Acacia looked approvingly at where Jay presumably was. "Okay. If you want the Mary Sue, I'll take the bit-players."

"All yours. Really. I'll sort out the gear to dry while there's some light left.."

Acacia nodded, caught herself, said "yes", and they left the winding-down Council to retrieve their cloaks and put an end to this embarrassing business of neither one being sure where the other really was.

Through a plot hole, never in short supply around a Mary Sue, the contents of their gear packs were visible once pulled out. Except the analysis devices and yarn--they'd gotten them out before they'd hit a plot hole. "Invisible yarn," Jay said approvingly. "Hell of a scarf."

"Beats me how you'll ever **find** it."

"Visible yarn, too.... that'd be nice.... it could be in patches, or have visible tassels...." Jay smiled, and tossed her head to show willing. "Now, do you want to go up alone?"

"Yeah, but not quite yet. Wait till they're asleep. I wish we'd got those longbows, you don't even have to get close, but I suppose we have to work with what we've got now."

Jay nodded assent, and they both looked at the Words intermittently for a while. The time between checking whether the bits were asleep was passed by Acacia teaching Jay to play Cripple Mr. Onion with the cards Jay had pilfered from Orthanc during their last visit to Middle-Earth. They were halfway through a game when Acacia noticed that the bits were asleep, grabbed her salvaged sword, and headed up to Rivendell proper.

After searching for awhile, she discovered the room where the bits were sleeping. The Mary Sue, for some reason, wasn't there, which made her job that much easier- a cursory glance at the Words showed **why** she wasn't there and more than Acacia had really wanted to know about what she was up to with Legolas. Poor elf.

Cutting throats was easier with a dagger than with a sword, but Acacia managed **quite** well.

Jay was fast asleep when she got back, but her sleeping bag had been laid out for her. She climbed in, and was asleep quite soon. Slaughter was tiring work.

The sun woke them. "Yagh." Jay rolled to her side, bleary. "Come on, Acy, they're leaving at dawn **again**." She packed her gear and dragged on her cloak. "Damn morning people."

"I am **not** an early person," Acacia complained.

Jay just grumbled slightly. They followed the followship for while, too bleary to contemplate bloodshed. They were not, however, too tired to converse.

"At least this one can use a sword. A warrior woman is a nice change."

"Yes. The dominatrix thing is nice and original."

"Now that you mention it...... the whip...."

"Black leather whip. Oh no, **that's** not blatant eroticism at **all**. Were **you** looking at the words last night? You've **got** to feel sorry for poor Legolas.."

"I try not to read that sort of thing." Jay managed to hold her ROBES primly.

"Lucky you. I suffer from morbid curiosity. And 'suffer' is **exactly** the right word."

"Lessgo, eh? Waltz around the woods after them?"

"Yeah," said Acacia, who sounded as if she were yawning.

They walked. They walked. They walked.

"Damnit. This one can actually walk faster then a romantic stroll."

They walked some more. Acacia, one of those people who could walk and read books at the same time without tripping over everything, looked at the words periodically, because walking was boring. At one point she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Jay.

"Did you know.. (snigger) ..that Legolas is **older** than Gandalf?"

"What...?" Jay stared at her.

"Whoever is writing this," said Acacia, still laughing, "thinks Legolas is two thousand years older than Gandalf."

"SOMEONE didn't read the books...." Jay snickered. "Oh, yes, Gandalf is a babe in the cradle, he is. Just an average little human, oh, yes. I bet she thinks he dies in Khazad-dum...."

"And they got Aragorn's name wrong, too. It sounds like some sort of gas. Aragon?"

"At least it's a **noble** gas."

"Very funny- oh, look, they're stopping."

"Goody. But they aren't going to stay still for long." Jay started creeping forward quickly, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"At least we can sit down for a while. My feet hurt."

"Hush, they're saying something."

Acacia shut up and sat down, close enough to hear what was being said but not close enough to be heard herself.

"Oh, woe is me, I love an immortal," Jay said _sotto voce_. "How sad, and let me shed a tear."

"At least this Sue doesn't speak insanely eloquently," opined Acacia. "Hells, she can't even use proper grammar. 'It is us that has?'"

Jay just sighed. "Screw this. I'm tired, and I want to be visible again. Let's kill her, eh?"

"Absolutely," said Acacia happily. "We'll have to make sure nobody tries to stop us, of course, Legolas certainly will and Aragorn seems fairly gone as well.."

"You can have the guys. Frodo will probably look on glumly...but he might try to be heroic, so watch out. Bet you could get Gimli on your side, though...."

"You mean he wouldn't be suspicious of someone looking like this?" Acacia wondered, but headed off to the other side of the Fellowship-plus-one from Jay.

"Explain it to him." Jay's robe shifted. "After all, she's changed him into a completely hostile jerk.....and she hasn't "won his respect" yet-" Jay realized she was talking to the air. "Thank you. S'much." It would be hard enough to deal with this one chippy--of course, she'd be a perfect fighter. She'd just wait for the chaos to start before she waltzed out.

"YOOHOO!" All eyes turned towards the bushes as a great black form crunched out of them. "Would Akasha kindly step to the front?" The fellowship stared at Jay. Then they drew their swords. _Acacia.....come onnnnn....._

"I recommend," said a rather conversational voice from the far side, "that you all put away your weapons. Trust me, it's in your own best interests, and-" there was a flash of metal- "not just because I have a sword too and will stab the first person who moves." And this was true. Non-fatally, but they didn't need to know that.

The fellowship put on the Dauntless Hero Poses (tm) numbers 3, 5, and 7.

"Oh, fer Pete's sake!" the first Ringwraith said. "Gotta do this traditionally, DON'T we..." it's voice shifted down from a feminine tone to the voice of a recovering gravel addict. "My quarrel is only with the woman-- will you meet me in single combat?"

"I will," said the Mary Sue bravely.

Of course, no **amount** of dramatic attempts at talking her out of it by Legolas were going to work, but this didn't stop him trying. The warrior woman stepped forward from the party. And the wraith-- **ran**.

_She's faster then me, and she's stronger then me, and I don't have my damn bow.......Jay, you are SCREWED..._

Akasha pursued, and most of the Fellowship tried to follow- but Acacia, who could move very fast when she wanted to, blocked the way. "If anyone wants to be stabbed and slashed at in some very painful places, they're welcome to try and follow," she said- then, realizing this was playing the wrong game, changed tack. "Besides, surely you don't think she won't be able to handle it?"

Meanwhile, Akasha charged through the forest. There was a moment in which she lost sight of the cowardly wraith, but there it was--the great black cloak was hanging still in the air.

"Now you will stand and face me?"

The rasping voice seemed to come from all around.

"Akasha.... you are charged with-" there was a cough, then "Oh, screw the voice," in a clearer register. "Anyhow-- You are charged with causing an unacceptable breach of canon, joining the Fellowship, altering the personalities of the canon characters, most ESPECIALLY Elrond, massacring Aragorn's name-- that's A-R-A-G-O-R-N.. and being a Mary Sue."

"I know nothing of what you speak. Now, will you fight me??"

There was a moment of silence, and then pain through her chest. "Not really, no," came a voice behind her. "I'm pretty cowardly that way." Blade through her chest, the Mary Sue toppled. Something invisible kicked her weapons away, then danced back and waited for her to be dead.

Jay retrieved the cloak, stared at the tall, muscular corpse, and decided not to giver herself a hernia. Grabbing it's feet, she dragged it slowly through the underbrush back up to Acacia.

Acacia was looking very **relieved**. "Let me just say I'm glad you got her when you did," she said breathlessly. "Do you know, I think this is the closest either of us has come yet to getting ourselves killed on a mission?"

Jay nodded fervently. "Next time, I'm going to take my bow, disguise or not." 

"You were lucky, you were allowed to fight **back**. I could hardly kill any of **them**. I swear, Aragorn nearly **got** me. I take it **all** back, I'm **not** tired of being Uruk-hai, at least we get to pick them off from a reasonable distance.."

Jay sighed, and looked over at the vaguely dazed canon characters. "How are they doing? By the way-- you know me. I didn't fight back, I ambushed her."

"Well, we've discovered what it takes to cause an Elf to be sick," said Acacia, with a nod in the direction of Legolas. "But he'll be fine in a moment."

"So what do we do with THIS one? No orcs in sight, and I don't want to use the portal more then we have to.."

"Letting her rot," said Acacia sourly, "sounds just fine to me."

Jay brightened. "Oh, what a pity there isn't a swarm of canonical carrion birds in this vicinity."

"Pity," said Acacia, without noticing the rather more cheerful note in her partner's voice.

Jay's hood turned towards her, and tilted inquisitively.

"Why are you looking at me like that? I mean, I **assume** you're looking at me.." said Acacia.

"What, you don't WANT to feed her to carrion birds?"

"But there aren't any!"

"Are so!"

"Where? I don't see any," Acacia said.

"We're not far from where the _crebain_ are patrolling-- they'll be coming this way, anyway, to spy on the Fellowship."

"Oh. Sorry, hadn't been paying much attention to where we were."

Jay's hood turned skyward. "What's up with you this mission? You that tired?"

"Yes," said Acacia. "I stayed up late last night killing bit-characters, and had to get up early. Is it too much to ask to leave at dusk?" she demanded, then added, "Besides, I've just nearly been **killed**. This does not put me in a good **mood**."

Jay patted her friend on the shoulder. "Poor Acacia. You really shouldn't get in the way of swords."

"Well, we couldn't very well have anyone rescuing her, could we? Can we go **home** now? I'm looking forward to being visible again."

Jay nodded, pushed the portal button carefully, and led Acacia through.

Acacia took off her cloak, breathed a sigh of relief at the fact that she could see herself, and stashed the cloak and sword in a cabinet as souvenirs. "Now, the sooner we can get Makes-Things in here to fix that damn thing, the happier I'll be."

"You get some rest," Jay said soothingly. She sat down and started to knit with her (oddly enough) still-invisible yarn. Acacia fell asleep quickly enough. Jay put her knitting down carefully, and crept out into Headquarters proper.

Five minutes later, a cowed young man was thrown bodily through the door, his tool chest after him. Acacia stirred, but didn't wake.

"Fix it," Jay said quietly.

[Acacia's A/N: Mary Sues these days. They're getting a lot more dangerous. Thanks to Joan who pointed out this fic to us along with a lot more, and congratulations to Maranogh who correctly guessed that I was using curare in the first chapter. We no longer have a famine of suggestions, but go ahead and send in yours anyway.]

[Jay's A/N: Wow! We almost got hurt! Scary. Jay got to be bloodthirsty-- don't worry, it's not a trend. Hopefully, you'll be seeing more of Makes-Things. And if you want to write your own PPC..... go for it! Boldly! It'd be great if it became a tradition.] 


	4. Protector of the Ringbearer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

The young Asian man pulled back from the console, wiping his brow and replacing his glasses. "I think it's done."

"You sure?" Jay asked. "I don't want a repeat of the last mission..."

"There won't be one," Makes-Things assured her.

"Better not." She raised her eyebrows. "Now skedaddle. And don't wake Acacia--"

**[BEEEEEEEEP.]**

Acacia sat suddenly upright, looked around, recognized the alarm, and began methodically cursing things, beginning with Upstairs and continuing through loud noises, Mary Sues, and lack of clearly-defined time in Headquarters all the way to not being a heavy enough sleeper to sleep through a major natural disaster.

Makes-Things' eyes widened to dinner-plate size, and he rushed out of the room.

Jay, a seasoned veteran of ignoring Acacia's curses, looked at the readout. "Wow. Couple of complaints on this one."

"..damn' stupid idea, not to make- what are you on about?"

"The alarm. And good morning to you." Jay scanned the words. "Oooooooooooooh my. Oh, deary, dear.... have a look."

Acacia headed over to Jay's seat with bad grace, and grumbled as she looked at the readout. "Oh, gods, two of them this time?" She groaned. "Well, at least neither of them falls in love with Legolas.. it's a small blessing.."

Jay smiled. "A blue unicorn. Hmm. You a virgin?"

"Rather personal information, don't you think?"

Jay rolled her eyes. " **I** am. and that's a useful thing to be when hunting unicorns, or haven't you heard?"

"It's still a personal question," said Acacia sulkily.

Jay dropped into a Scottish accent. "Oh, fer the love of Pete!"

"Channeling Shrek, are we?"

"Ooooooooom...." Jay said. "I get a sense of..... greeeeeen."

"Stop that," said Acacia. "It's not cheering me up, if that's what you're trying to do. And what are we supposed to do about it, anyway? How do we **get** there- I don't want a repeat of last time!"

Jay's eyes widened. "Deja vu. Guess what? It be fixed."

"Oh." Acacia considered this for a moment, and added "Good."

"If you'd like to finish your nap, of course, it's no skin off my teeth."

"There's no skin ON your teeth," said Acacia, who was not in the mood to deal with metaphors. "And I've already said I get the next few Mary Sues. But if we keep having to do these missions just hours apart, I'm complaining to Upstairs. We need to get paid more for this, for a start."

"Seconded, thirded, and written in stone." Jay hit some buttons....she was getting REALLY GOOD at this. Depressingly so. Too much practice. "Lessgo. Our sleeping things are dry, so you can crash when we get there."

"Good," said Acacia vaguely. "We're arriving a good bit **before** the Sue needs killing, right?"

"Yeah...not a major break in canon, except her existance." Jay considered. "And the fact that she's quarter elf, human, hobbit, and nymph, and I KNOW Tolkein never wrote any such thing as a nymph. And the fact that Merry and Pippin have gotten all the way TO Isengard before the second one shows up.... and various other things, like a total lack of Gollum...." Jay blinked. "Screw it. Those are ALL major breaks in canon. But you can certainly afford a nap." _Or NO one will be able to stand you._

"Arright," said Acacia, stepping through the portal.

**

Several hours later, near the borders of Mordor, despite the fact that this would not be most people's choice of rest spot, someone was just waking up.

"Good-" Jay looked at the sky, "Afternoonish. Feeling better?"

"I hate magical jetlag," complained Acacia. "But yeah. Where are the Mary Sues right now?"

"One's heading this way with Frodo and Sam..... and you don't want to know what she's been doing with Frodo--" Jay checked the words. "And one's in Isengard, where" she snickered, "the orcs took Merry and Pippin. Heh. Sure."

"Ah. It's movieverse, right?"

"OOOOOH yes. About as bad as the last one."

"At least it's after the Breaking," Acacia said, "we don't have to worry about the more dangerous canonical characters trying to kill us."

"Very true." Jay grinned. "Unicorn-girl is screwed. It's her own fault...."

"They going to come by here?"

"Yup. And I've timed it so she'll be 'cornish. Getting them to stop won't be easy, though."

"A unicorn," Acacia mused. "I think this is going to be one of those missions where we keep souvenirs. I claim the horn."

"I want the pelt. You'll have to be careful-- you put a unicorn's horn with poison, it'll turn black."

"Okay.." said Acacia. She considered. "What're you going to use it for, anyway?"

"We could use a throw rug."

Acacia grinned, and the effect, on an orcish face, was more than a little unnerving. "Fun."

"Here, I've got a way to stop them." Jay dug in her pack and produced.... nothing. "Here."

"Er.. there's nothing **there** , Jay," Acacia said mildly.

"Someone has a short memory. But, hey, it's your turn to feel like an idiot. Sit down, and chill." Jay went through the motions of stringing something across the trees, going back and forth. "Now, wait."

**

After a while a unicorn ("Blue," said Acacia, shaking her head. "Flipping blue. Aren't they supposed to be white or something? And it clashes with her eyes. AND her horn.."), a clearly-bewitched Frodo, and Sam came through the trees. The unicorn suddenly stopped, thrashing around as if caught in something..

"Ah," said Acacia, suddenly understanding. "That invisible yarn you got last time."

Jay nodded. "Very good. Now do you trust your partner?" 

"Sure. Um.." Acacia was obviously trying to remember something. "I don't know much about unicorns. If they're immune to poison or it needs some special kind of thing to kill them, tell me now, **before** I have to go charge her, kay?"

"You're going to charge her? WHY? Didn't you ever read any unicorn hunt stories?"

Jay sat on a convenient rock, and waited. The unicorn, now unencumbered by the hobbits (flung off as she'd thrashed) came meekly and laid her head in Jay's lap. "We don't have to charge her, she's a lamb.....well, I suppose we do. Arrow through the head should do her, though."

"All right," said Acacia, taking aim. "Aislinn, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by being a member of a nonexistent species, interfering with the characters of- mainly Frodo, and Sam as well, and being a Mary Sue. Jay, move, or I'll be shooting you in the leg."

Jay tied some yarn to the unicorn's head, and leashed it to the tree. Then, she went over to the hobbits, still stuck in her web, and relieved them of their weapons. "Go for it."

Acacia smiled grimly, and fired. The arrow swished cleanly through the eye, killing the unicorn stone dead.

"Nice shot!"

Acacia beamed. Jay, however, was lookinng troubled.

"Acacia, did you bring a hacksaw? I know I didn't."

"We can get one from Headquarters before we go after the other one," said Acacia unconcernedly. "Don't you think you should let the hobbits out now?"

Jay turned. The two halflings were looking quite confused, and Frodo more than a little disgusted. "Poor things." She slowly and methodically untangled her yarn, rolling carefully back into its ball.

"Now, let's deal with this whatsitcalled-"

"Charm-light, apparently-"

"And then go get the other one."

"Righty, then." Jay sniffed. "She claims to be a "watcher"-- which I doubt, because she has no tentacles. Nor does she look like Anthony Stewart Head...."

"I wonder why Little Miss Sweetness And Light would want to be associated in any way with canonical monsters?" Acacia asked rhetorically. "Come on, let's get back."

Jay hit the remote portal button. "What, the idea of footing it all the way to Isengard doesn't appeal to you? Shock. Shock, I say!"

"Cute."

**

In less then a minute, they were emerging at the gates of Isengard. "You know?" said Jay. "It's really gorgeous-- just a pity about the trees." Acacia winced as her Polaroid was produced.

"We've had a picture session here already, Jay," said Acacia wearily. "We're here to get the other one. Branwyn, I think.. yes."

"Uh-huh." Jay drooped. "But it's been changed for this Sue.... she's apparently written in a dungeon and torture chamber-- that could be photogenic, you know."

Jay smiled brightly, with not a hint of sarcasm in her face. She was truly testing her friend's eye-rolling capacity.

Acacia gave her friend an odd look. "If you like pictures of Pippin being poked with-" she looked at the words and burst out laughing- "cars, apparently."

Jay scanned the words for a moment, and burst out laughing as well. "Hot rod poker? I'm impressed. And no bondage pictures, although Pippin **is** rather cute, in a puckish way..."

"Remind me again," said Acacia, "why we were assigned to be partners."

"Something about stabilizing me and curbing your bloodthirsty tendencies? And something about you imitating Teatime, but I don't see what four-o-clock has to do with anything....." Acacia had the good grace to look embarrassed.

"Anyway. Let's go find this Branwyn person. And ask her some very serious questions about why there are suddenly hot rods in Middle-Earth.."

Jay made an abortive attempt not to giggle, and started towards Orthanc. "Look, I didn't mean Pippin was cute as in sexually attractive-- just... he brings out the maternal in me."

"I have an idea. Drop the subject."

"Now if it was **Elrond**...." **

Pippin and Merry were strung up in chains, in Orthanc's suddenly existent dungeon.

Merry shuddered. "Pippin?" he asked.

"Over here," Pippin said from next to him. "You okay?"

"Yeah-- you?"

"Fine-- we have to get out of here."

"I know-- but these chains are unbreakable."

"That’s what you think," a female voice said.

A young willowy woman with blue hair slipped out of the shadows, and the chains dissolved in her hands. Then she led them away.

"Having canon characters tortured just so you can play hurt/comfort should be a flogging offense," Jay said grimly.

"It's a killing offense," said Acacia happily. "Although causing intense pain beforehand **is** tempting."

"You usually do," said Jay. "Look at those two. They aren't energetic enough to protect her from a cotton ball." It was true--and now Jay's maternal instinct (usually reserved for tentacled, scaled, and webfooted creatures) was in full swing.

"Only because it **is** tempting," said Acacia defensively. "And yeah.. these are hobbits, they're supposed to recover quickly.."

Jay stepped out in front of the cell door.

"More orcs! They'll try to recapture you!" Blue-hair gasped, moving to protect Merry and Pippin.

"Ah. No. Not really."

"It's you we want, actually," said another orc, this one holding a strung longbow. "Now.. gods, I hate these little legalities.." Her voice became rather more monotone, as if she were reciting. "Branwyn Luck, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by being a member of a nonexistent species- whatever species you are, I'm **sure** it was never in the canon- interfering with the characters of Saruman and Merry and Pippin, causing events to eventuate for no apparent reason just so you can rescue and comfort the characters involved, and being a Mary Sue."

The other orc turned to look at her. "Events to eventuate..?"

Acacia ignored this. "So. Any last words that aren't meant to be tearjerking or sentimental?"

"You can do whatever you want to with me....but I'll never let you hurt these two!"

Jay raised an eyebrow. "I thought we'd gone over that? Acy, shoot her."

"Fine by me," said Acacia, and fired. Branwyn didn't even **try** to dodge.

Jay hefted the body. "I'm afraid to feed this one to anything. It might be poisonous." Merry and Pippin started to flicker, and disappeared entirely, now canonically safe in the woods.

"I think we should get out of here," said Acacia. "Really quickly. We've got rid of the non-canons, and this room isn't canonical. I imagine it will be disappearing soon."

"Yep. Well, we've got pictures to remember it by...." They bounced back to headquarters long enough to swipe a hacksaw from Makes-Things, and then went back to the corpse of the unicorn.

"Any ideas for what to use it for?" said Acacia brightly, sawing away industriously at the base of the Mary Sue's horn.

"The horn?" Jay asked, wondering who could she could get to skin the thing for her.

"What else?"

"Well.... it has healing powers, which would be nice if we run into another Amazonian Sue........ it reacts to poison, so you could use it to test your arrows and such..."

"Fair enough. Hah! Got it off." She held up the golden horn triumphantly, then stashed it in her pack. "All right, all yours," she added, pushing the dead equine's head off her lap and standing up.

"Do you think I could get someone canonical to skin it?"

"Who were you thinking of asking?" Acacia wondered. "I'll say this about being Protectors, though, we won't need to pay them. Can't, even, money mysteriously turning up would be a breach of canon."

"Any rangers in the area? No, there aren't." Jay frowned. "I'll think of something."

"Well, **you're** carrying it, if we're bringing it anywhere," said Acacia.

"Naturally." Jay consulted the words. "I think we're about done, anyway. Know anyone at HQ who's good with a skinning knife?"

Acacia considered this. "Luxury, in the Department of Bad Slash, I think."

"Oh, good." Jay brightened. "If nothing else, it'll be fun to dump it on her floor and see her reaction."

"Oh, **yes** ," said Acacia, grinning unpleasantly.

"You know it scares me when you get that look," Jay said, a little warily.

"Who cares?" said Acacia. "Come on, back to Headquarters with us. You **do** know the way to the Department of Bad Slash, right?"

Jay nodded. "It used to get boring between Sue reports. I spent a lot of time wandering around." She winced. "Then a few movies came out..."

"And then the fanfic explosion?" Acacia shrugged. "I wouldn't know, I wasn't hired till after there were movies, remember?"

"It was nice in the old days. A few Harry Potter Sues, some for various TV shows-- but they were few and far between." She shook her head. "But this, this is bad."

"Oh well. Come on, let's find Lux."

Jay opened the portal and dragged the equine cadaver through with a grunt.

The room in which they arrived was not any part of the Department of Mary Sues. Two people looked up and blinked. "Merry Christmas," Jay said, dropping her burden on the floor.

"Oooh! My muse!" the blonde girl exclaimed, and got out her taxidermy tools. Her rather punkish partner (blue hair, piercings, and all), just stared.

"HANG ON!" yelled Jay as Lux attached the pump to begin draining its blood. "I want that thing skinned."

"No! My skin!"

Acacia raised an eyebrow. "Hey, **we** killed it.."

"Yes, but I'm a starving artist, and I neeeed it!" Luxury said with a pout. Her partner (among other things) Sean rolled his eyes indulgently.

"Don't," said Jay, less than maturely.

"And you've got a good job HERE. You're not starving," Acacia pointed out somewhat more maturely.

"My skin." Jay said.

"No, MY skin! you'll have to take it over my dead body!" Luxury, with a stunning shift of mood, lunged at Jay, meaning to tackle her.

Jay sidestepped clumsily, letting Lux plunge into Acacia.

"THANK you," Acacia yelped.

Jay bit her lip. "Please skin it for me? Pretty please, Luxish? I'll knit you a pair of invisible gloves-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Lux interrupted Jay with a squeal of delight. "Okay, I'll- waiiit..... are they invisible gloves or **invisible** gloves?"

Jay fumbled in her pack, and produced a pair of knitting needles that were apparently empty. "Here. Feel." She thrust what looked like nothing, but FELT like a half finished scarf into Luxury's hands.

"Joy!" Lux squealed. "Though i'd prefer some invisible panties and jeans, so I can mess with my boyfriend..." She giggled. Sean gulped.

"If you WANT to wear wool around your nether regions, that's your choice," said Jay dubiously. "And I don't have enough invisible yarn for jeans."

Luxury pouted again. "Foo."

"You can have the head," Acacia offered.

"Oooh... na.. the head is ruined." Luxury pointed to the arrow hole in the eye, and the hacksawed horn.

"It's still a nice stub, and you can replace the eyes."

"Nah... I'd rather have the horn powder, thanks.. I'll just take an invisible scrunchie."

Luxury proceded to take out her skinner's knife and began tearing the skin off the unicorn. "Why do you want it, anyway?"

"Throw rug," Jay said cheerfully. "And, come to think of it, the head would look nice mounted on OUR wall."

Luxury rolled her eyes-- and then got an odd expression.

"Your wall, in the plural??" Luxury giggled manically.

"What..?" Jay blinked.

"You said 'your wall', in the plural, implying you and Acacia.." Lux continued to giggle, slicing the skin off.

"We're partners," Acacia said, wide eyed. "We share a response center! Mind out of the gutter!"

"Ooooooh, partners... I getcha..." Lux winked at Jay knowingly.

"Oh, puhlease-" Jay flipped out a photo album, letting the long string of Elrond pictures drape across the bench. Acacia produced her much smaller reel of Boromir pictures. (If you could carry **soundclips** around with you, however..)

Lux peered intently at the pictures, her silver-bloodied hands smearing over them. "Sweet!"

Jay sniffed and wiped it off quickly.

Lux looked proudly at Acacia and Jay as she handed the bloody, slimy, messy pelt of the unicorn to them.

"All done! Invisible scrunchie please!" Luxury smiled curtly, as she took out her handy-dandy chainsaw.

"How do we clean this?" Jay asked. "And it'll take some time to knit. Patience."

"You set it in the sun for a few hours, face up."

"What sun?" said Acacia. "No one ever got around to making the outside of this place. There **is** no sun."

"There's a full-spectrum lamp in Makes-Things' lab," Jay pointed out. "Should do the trick."

Luxury nodded quietly, revving up her handy-dandy chainsaw. She sawed through bones and necrotic flesh with ease, and took the lopped-off head to her workbench.

"Ick. Taxidermic stuff." Acacia shuddered. "You can have the corpse... **JAY** will be back for the head, later." She practically dragged her partner out the door.

**

"Now we go complain to Upstairs about getting paid more?" suggested Acacia. "Before they send us on another mission five minutes after we sit down?"

"We're both a little bloody." Jay looked down at her stained clothing. "More than a little, really. And we've still got the skin." They looked at each other.

"Good," they declared together, and marched away.

END

[Jay's A/N: Okay, it was fun. A two-fer. And HQ needs a throw rug.... some chatchkas, you know? We'll see what Acacia does with the horn. We really appreciate the reviews we've gotten, and the suggestions. Amazingly, nothing flamish as of yet.....maybe we discouraged them. (Hah!) Keep well, all!]

[Acacia's A/N: Okay, thank you to all our reviewers- too many to list them all, even if I suddenly decided to adopt the habit of doing so. Thanks go again to Joan, who pointed out this fic too. And yes, Lux has a sick mind. She's a real person we already knew who wouldn't stop bugging us till we gave her a part. Bit of an opinion poll: Want to see more of Headquarters? In particular, our little "discussion" with Upstairs? Tell us in your review! As always, flames will be laughed at. (I'm secretly looking forward to getting some, just so I can laugh at them. Well, not so secretly now.) Also thank you Lobelia Sackville-Baggins for recommending this fic as well, if indeed this was the one you had in mind. Jay thinks so. And arynetrek, we have nothing against Led Zeppelin, but the harp *wasn't* what they had in mind when writing music. Anyway, insert obligatory review plea here, and see you next chapter!] 


	5. What Might Have Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Jay and Acacia drew some odd looks from most of the people going about their business in Headquarters. This was unsurprising- very few people left the Bad Slash Department covered in silvery blood.

Jay whistled as she walked down the hall, stopping only to through off the occassional

"Hi, Macy! How's Steve!"

"Good afternoon, George, how's the God-Mod department?"

and, because Jay was in fact a flake,

"Monkeys have feet!"

Acacia walked several steps in front of Jay, possibly trying to pretend they were not partners. This was difficult, because they were both covered in the same kind of blood and both wearing the insignia of a potted cactus which was the logo of the Department of Mary Sues. (Presumably there was some reason for this, but neither of them had ever heard it.)

"Acacia--you're trying to ignore me again."

Acacia kept walking.

"They do!"

Acacia didn't ask.

"You're walking past Makes-Things' lab."

"We were going Upstairs, remember?" said Acacia, either momentarily forgetting that she was ignoring Jay or else demonstrating once again that she had all the self-control of a deranged magpie.

The world went dark as a blue, blood sodden pelt was dropped on her head.

"Then YOU carry this!" came Jay's voice, muffled.

"Okay, okay, we'll set up the lamp first," said Acacia darkly, pulling the thing off her. "You didn't need to put it on my **head** , you know."

Jay blinked at her. "No. I didn't. This makes a difference?"

"Yes," said Acacia, opening Makes-Things' door without bothering to knock.

There was a clatter. Jay thought for a moment, knelt, and looked under a lab table. "Really. Is that necessary? We just want to borrow something."

"Really?" The voice sounded hopeful.

"Really. Your full spectrum lamp-- and about 25 square feet of floor space."

"Oh, good. It's in the back," the shadows under the lab table said. "It's nice to see you back to normal, Jay, really."

"Right. It's nice to-- ah-- see you too." The two women quickly set up the lamp and skin, and then left, trying to spare the inventor's nerves.

"So, now we're going Upstairs.. which way's the elevators?" wondered Acacia, trying surreptitiously to squeeze some of the blood out of her hair but only succeeding in spreading it more evenly.

"Got a compass?"

"No."

"I THINK it's this way."

"You **think**?"

"It's a bit of a maze, unless you haven't noticed." Jay said calmly. "The elevators are at the center, which is at the inner end of any given wing. So I **think** it's this way."

"So, it's **not** a maze if I **didn't** notice?" said Acacia, who was **always** prepared to point out minor errors in grammar when she wasn't busy being prepared to do rather more painful things.

"Exactly. But you did, so we've got a ways to wander." Jay sniffed. "It's easier when it's just me."

Acacia ignored this last sentence. "Look, there they are," she said. "Is that it?"

They hurried forward, and what Acacia had seen did indeed turn out to be the elevators. Jay pressed the up button, getting unicorn blood on it of course (the Headquarters janitors intensely disliked Jay and Acacia), and they both stepped inside the elevator, which was empty.

Jay swayed as the elevator shot upward, her ears popping. Acacia stood solidly in the dead center. There was a stomach wrenching moment of deceleration, and then everything stopped moving. The doors opened quietly onto a long, gray hall.

Acacia stepped out without hesitating, but then looked around, unsure of where to go next.

"Hmm. You look nice with silver hair, Acy," said Jay, apropos of nothing. She walked straight forward, trailing her fingers childishly along the wall.

"I'm going to need a bath after this," muttered Acacia, following in Jay's footsteps.

"Mmm-hmm." There was a gray door set at the end of the hall: the low lighting made it difficult to see the difference, but they managed not to walk face first into it. Jay looked at Acacia and shrugged. "There's only one way to go, really." 

Acacia smiled faintly, opened the door, and stepped inside.

_And you cannot knock why? I realize we lack a knocker, but the resonance is really rather pleasant, and I seriously doubt it would damage your knuckles._

Acacia considered this for a moment. "Who said I **couldn't** knock? I just don't generally bother. Do you want me to go back and knock this time?"

The room was fairly large, and still the same eyestraining, depth-distorting shade of grey. A few yards from the door, a large metallic desk marked the distance: behind it sat a sunflower, clad impeccably in a sensible suit. _So pleasant. Really. And what, pray tell, have you come to brighten my day with?_

"We're complaining," said Acacia, apparently unmoved by the slightly surreal surroundings. "We just got sent off on a mission right when I'd got to sleep."

"Actually, you'd been asleep for-" Jay began helpfully, before Acacia kicked her in the shin.

"We don't get paid enough for this, is what I'm saying. And is it all that **hard** to hire a few **more** assassins?"

_We hire. And we hire. And many go insane, and then we have to hire more. If it bothers you so much, I suggest you recruit._

"I didn't know you had a problem with insane assassins," said Acacia. "Why are **we** still working here, then?"

It should be apparent by now that Acacia had the gift of selective deafness.

_You have not yet run through the halls screaming "Mr. Rogers! Mr. Rogers!" and wielding a flamethrower. RECRUIT._

"Oh, yeah.. I remember that guy with the flamethrower.." said Acacia, ignoring the sunflower's last sentence. "Anyway, we **still** don't get paid enough."

"We don't get vacations, either," Jay chimed in. "Maybe we could recruit if we had more time."

"Ooh," said Acacia, nodding appreciatively and wondering why that hadn't occurred to **her**.

_Vacations... IF you can find new recruits, we can let you take your time in the word worlds. You can be--_ it waved a tendril-- _extras._

This was rather less than Acacia had been hoping for, but something told her it was all she was getting. She turned to Jay anyway, and said "What do **you** think?"

Jays eyes were glowing-- Acacia remembered too late that her somewhat neurotic partner was a born sight seeer. She snapped out of it, though.

"And a raise."

_Twist my fronds, why don't you?_

Jay made a step towards the desk.

_Sarcasm! Sarcasm! That was sarcasm!_

Acacia was trying not to laugh.

"A raise, all right?" Jay smiled. Some things are just harder to refuse when a smiling psycho assassin covered in blood is asking them.

_It will be. Now GO AWAY!_

Even Jay and Acacia could tell when not to push their luck. They headed for the door, neglecting to close it behind them.

Jay turned. There was no door. "Aww. I think we scared it."

"Good," said Acacia unfeelingly. "Now come on, I want to wash off this blood."

"It's sort of nice." Jay said, absent-mindedly braiding her silver-stained hair. "It doesn't smell...well, it does, but it's that nice copper..."

" _You_ can go around with bloody hair if you like," said Acacia, "but I'm taking a bath."

"I need to change. It's making my clothes stiff." Jay frowned. "I'll meet you back at the response center, all right?"

**

About an hour later, a much cleaner and somewhat more relaxed (but only slightly) Acacia wandered back to the MS control center.

"'Ello, Jay," she said, collapsing into her chair.

Jay, who'd surprisingly cleaned herself off, smiled through the forest of improvised braids falling across her face. "Hullo. You look like you're feeling better."

"Quite," said Acacia. "And hopefully there won't be any more missions just two hours apart, like-"

[BEEEEEEEEP!]

"I **swear** they do that just to spite me!"

"Narrative laws of comedy?" Jay suggested. "What do we have today?"

"It's on your screen too," Acacia pointed out. "But.. oh, good grief. Another one with two of them in it."

"And they both join the fellowship-" Jay cocked her head. "Eleven riders against the eleven walkers again?"

"I'm **not** being Ringwraiths again. Remember what happened last time we tried it? And these are both **archers**. Even the one that's a hobbit. Gods know where she got the right size of a bow."

Jay bit her lip. "I'm tired of being orcs. But if that's the only thing we can be.."

" **You** can be a wraith if you like. I want a bow," said Acacia with an air of finality.

Jay sighed, and shrugged. "Orcs again, then. Or.." she brightened. "Goblins! We can get them in Moria! We can be goblins. There's umm.... uh, the author, she..." Jay edged behind the console, "messed with Boromir."

"Who doesn't?" said Acacia sourly, hitting a few buttons rather harder than necessary.

"You're going to break it again-"

"Shut up."

Jay hopped through the portal after Acacia. "Ooh. Rivendell. Purty. I just don't get tired of this place."

"Good," said Acacia.

Jay smiled, and looked around. "It's a while before the council. We can wander."

"All right," said Acacia. "Where were you thinking of going?" She considered this for a moment. "As if I couldn't guess."

"That's not FAIR. " Jay smiled. "Let's go watch people arrive! I'd like a picture of Gloin."

Acacia shrugged. "Whatever floats your oyster."

Jay was already moving, climbing into one of the intricate stone watchpoints. "I thought you didn't like metted mixaphors."

"Well, when **other people** are using them, of course."

"Aren't we spishul?" Jay started flashing picures. "Wait a minute-- who's she?"

"Probably one of our Mary Sues," said Acacia. She looked at the words for a moment. "Anirana. Apparently she couldn't think of any better way to make an elf name than to alter one of the Elvish words she got from the soundtrack."

Jay frowned. "I've got my pics. Let's keep tabs on her for a while."

The elves of Rivendell bowed before her, but she said a few words, and they laughed relievedly. "Royalty?" Jay's brow furrowed.

"Wouldn't put it past her."

Anirana climbed into a tower, with the pair close on her heels. They followed her as best they could, staying out of sight.

"It's Elrond!" Jay said quietly.

"Well, of course. The classic hallmark of a Mary Sue in denial is being the daughter of an established canon character.."

Jay stared at the tableau, muscles in her jaw twitching. After a moment, she grabbed Acacia and pulled her away down the stairs.

"What'd you do that for?"

Jay smiled manically. "There are two Mary Sues. I'll take this one, you take the other?"

"Okay.." said Acacia warily. "But you didn't answer me."

Jay's smile stayed fixed. "Three guesses. First two don't count."

" **Ah**."

**

Jay dragged Acacia through Rivendell, shaking off her anger with determined picture taking.

They stopped, and Jay pointed out the garden, where a rather enthusiastic reunion of five hobbits was taking place. "Hmm. I don't remember HER, either." She shook her head. "Boring. Let's go to the council."

"It's tomorrow."

"No crowd. We should get good seats, then."

"Okay. Well, we've got all day to waste. I must admit, though, this is one of the better places to waste it.."

Jay nodded, and pulled out her headphones, turning some music on low.

They wandered around Rivendell, Jay taking pictures occasionally and Acacia periodically checking the words. After awhile this palled, and they sat down in a slightly out-of-the-way place where neither Mary Sue was likely to see them, playing various card games.

"See your three pebbles, and call."

"Full house, priestesses and three."

"Straight flush of cups."

"Damn." Jay pushed the pot towards her partner.

Acacia grinned, and piled it onto her increasing heap of pebbles.

Jay sighed. "All right, another hand should wipe me out. Then"-- she looked up at the darkening sky. "Sleep? And do you think the Elves have anything vaguely caffenaited?

"Sorry, caffeine did not seem to be a major feature in the story," said Acacia. "I've got sugar, though." She pulled some chocolate out of her gear.

Jay smiled. They didn't usually let her have sugar.

**

Finally, it was time for the council. Jay and Acacia cast about for a place to rest-- and almost tripped over one of two people that could see them.

They scrambled away hurriedly. "What the hells?" demanded Acacia. "Isn't it supposed to be **Sam** who's hiding in the bushes?"

"Yes," said Jay, her voice somewhat less then chipper.

"If she's stealing his part, I will be upset," muttered Acacia.

They watched the council unfold. And sure enough-

"Me too!" yelled the little hobbit Mary Sue, running out from the bushes and being greeted with a welcoming smile from Frodo. "I swore to Frodo to stay with him until the ring is destroyed."

"Gag me with a pitchfork," said Acacia. "Sam's version was better."

"It is hard to separate you two even when one is--"

Jay jammed earphones on, and turned up the volume so high that Acacia could almost make out the words.

The hobbit, Hanae, clearly had to establish that- despite being a superb fighter with many adventures of her own even though hobbits seldom leave their own villages- she was a nice, sweet, **polite** Shire-lass, so she apologized for "ease dropping."

Jay scribbled something on a peice of paper and handed it to Acacia. "It's the little things, really, that make it so bad" ran Jay's spidery script.

Acacia nodded, and as Merry, Pippin, and Sam invaded the Council from behind a **cement** post, scrawled "I'm SURE Rivendell wasn't made of cement."

Jay just drew a "-_-", passed the paper back, and pitched a pebble at the hobbit girl. She jumped.

"Oh, look, the elf-Sue's turned up," Acacia wrote.

Jay underlined her frowny face, and threw a pebble at the Elf, too.

"You're going to make the characters suspicious if you keep that up."

Jay shrugged. She was thankfully oblivious to the words spoken by the council, thanks to the soothing strains of Rammstein, so only Acacia heard Elrond's bastardized "11 companions" line.

She wrote "the council's over" and showed it to Jay, who finally turned down her headphones. They left the place where the Council had been, following Frodo. Hanae was his second shadow, usurping Sam-- until he went to see Bilbo.

"Here and there, a Hobbit's tale," Frodo read, taking up Bilbo's book. Acacia watched bemusedly as Jay walked over to the nearest stone pillar, and began to beat her head methodically against it.

"Oh, gods. Okay, **that** is going on the charge list," said Acacia.

"That's--" *bang* "not how you spell--" *bang* "mithril, either."

Frodo smiled inanely. "Thank-you for all this Bilbo I'm sure it will be of great use to me-"

"Punctuation," muttered Acacia.

"-but I must go now."

"Okay, did this person even **watch** the movie?"

"Too--" *bang* "creepy for Her--" *bang* "Sueness, I suppose." Jay staggered back to join her companion. "I'm okay now."

"Maybe I shouldn't have given you that chocolate last night."

"Oh, no, if it were the chocolate I would have jumped out the windows." Jay frowned. "This is painful. Let's get on with it."

They wandered out into Rivendell, and fell in behind the eleven walkers, preparing for their journey.

"Eleven. THAT'S symbolic," Jay muttered.

"I don't think they care."

"If they'd read the books, they'd care. Now the poor wraiths are outnumbered..."

"We'll get to even the odds soon enough," said Acacia happily.

"We don't have to follow them up the mountain, do we? I'm really not dressed for snow."

"Yes, we do," said Acacia. "My favorite scene happens there and if the Mary Sues screw it up, I want to know so I can beat them up before we kill them later."

Below them, the fellowship was setting out. "It was dusk. Really. Although you know, I blame Peter Jackson for this one... and any idiot who assumes you can get from Rivendell to Hollin in a day's walk."

"The time of day wasn't really important to the story," said Acacia, who had a surprisingly forgiving attitude toward movie adaptations in general. "It's still the author's fault. There's no excuse for not doing your homework when you're writing."

"And he never showed them leaving. They just ASSUME.." The two Protectors shouldered their gear and followed. And then, the worst possible thing happened.

"Gah! Stop singing!" said Acacia. "Particularly that song!" May It Be sounded surprisingly bad _a capella_. Hanae was no Enya.

Jay was clamping her earphones over her ears, following the words desperately. "Nun liebe kinder, gebt fein acht! Ich bin dis stimmen, austem kissen-- I can't HEAR you, lalalala...."

She ran through the WHOLE SONG. "She must be reading off the CD insert," Acacia mused.

"Give it to me, I must have it, I deserve it, precious trea-- Oh, sorry, what was that?"

"I was speculating on how she knows **all** the words," said Acacia. "Looks like they're stopping now.. Ooooh! The swordplay lessons.. can I borrow your camera?"

"Yes. But I get copies."

"Fine by me," said Acacia, smiling brightly.

Jay handed it over to her. "Remember the Sues can see you-- oh, wait. One's staring at the sky, and the other is asleep." She got an unholy grin on her goblinesque face.

Acacia strode down into the midst of the Fellowship. Had she not been a Protector of the canon, it would have made a **very** strange sight, in addition to very likely getting her hacked, shot, hit with rocks, and probably beheaded too. But no one noticed her, despite the fact that she was taking Polaroids of the swordplay lessons and humming Never You Mind to herself.

Jay smiled as Acacia clicked away. Then she climbed up the rocks to where Mary-Sue 1, Hanae, was sleeping. Unnoticed by Frodo, whose shoulder the Sue was lying on, she began to work at the hobbit girl's hair.

She stopped in her tender ministrations when she noticed Legolas and Mary Sue 2 noticing the approaching crows. She jumped quickly down from the her perch, and tapped Acacia on the shoulder.

"What?"

"They're about to start moving again. And I want my camera."

"Okay," said Acacia reluctantly. "Here."

"You can get the hobbits jumping Boromir. I just want a picture of the birds."

"Okay," Acacia said again.

After the cloud of crows had gone, the fellowship crept out of their respective hiding places. The Sues, naturally, sported not so much as a grass stain. The pair followed them, now heading up the mountain.

That night, they set camp behind the fellowship, trying not to be noticed. Jay broke out her leather jacket, and curled in her bag. "Fricken cold."

Acacia, who disliked the cold more than most, was not only curled up in her sleeping bag but seriously considering setting fire to it. She did not, however, complain, as it had been her idea to follow them up the mountain rather than just wait in Moria in the first place.

The next morning, they were actually anxious to get moving again. The fellowship, it was some comfort, looked equally miserable in the snow (except Legolas, who could walk on it, the little bastard. Oh, and Anirana.)

They walked on, Acacia muttering various unflattering things about Legolas, elves in general, and the Mary Sues, until Frodo lost his "placing" (whatever that was) and fell.

Hanae whispered something to Frodo which the assassins didn't catch, but they could make a fairly good guess as to what she'd said when Frodo felt his neck, and found the chain missing.

They watched for awhile..

"Okay. They've screwed it up. Jay, why did you steal my quiver?"

"What quiver?" Jay said, sitting on a mound of snow. "Look, I know she didn't have to play Ms. Exposition, but was it really so bad?"

"Yes!" said Acacia. "And you know perfectly well what quiver. Give it back."

"Oh, look, they're moving again." Jay stood, kicked apart the mound, and pulled out Acacia's quiver.

Acacia glared at her, sighed, looked at the words for a moment, and said, "We have 'many hours' to go till they hit the storm and decide to turn back, and nothing happens. What say we give it a miss?"

"I say that's one of the better ideas you've had today. We'll have time for lunch, and we can play with the Watcher for a while-" Acacia glared.

"What'll we do with the bodies this time?" she wondered. "We could feed them to the Balrog.. I'm **sure** you'll want pictures of it.."

"It'll have fallen by then," Jay pointed out sadly. "We'll have to get pictures beforehand." She brightened. "No reason we can't just toss them down the crevice, really."

"All right," said Acacia. "Now.. is there any reason we can't just portal out of here and back in at the mines? Or would that be cheating?"

"It would. That's no reason not to do it."

"True," said Acacia. "You've got the whatsitcalled, so do it."

Jay flicked the whatsitcalled (otherwise known as a remote activator), and they stepped through the portal, and straight into Moria.

"Bit dark in here," said Acacia after a moment. "Did we bring flashlights?"

There was the sound of Jay rummaging through her pack. "Yep. Here we go." There was a click, and then a string of curses towards all brands of batteries. "Let's just go find a corner and wait. Try not to step on anyone."

There was a thud; Acacia had walked into a wall in the dark. "I think this is the gate, from inside," she said. "Let's just wait off to one side, shall we?"

"Right." They crept along it, and sat down to listen-- they could actually hear the Fellowship, surpisingly. "My god, is that Legolas singing?"

"It seems so. And I think we both know who he means by the 'lady fair.' Poor guy. But I wish he'd stop singing."

"If the author wants to make him sing, there were plenty of canonical songs which weren't so goddessawful **bad**...." Jay sighed, and subsided. They listened for a while as the Fellowship chattered inanely about relationships--

"Oh nothing, I was just remembering what my brother once said to me when I was young." "And what is that?" Pippin asked again. "Women are like museum exhibits, look, never touch," Boromir said, laughing. 

"Does that sound like something Faramir would say? I think NOT," Jay sniffed.

"And if Boromir was young, then Faramir would have been even younger, or possibly not born yet," Acacia muttered. " **Hardly** in a position to give cynical advice."

"She probably thinks she's inventing him." Jay stared at the words; after all, they were one of the few things she COULD see. "Oh, for the Lady's sake, the author pretends that the door just opened on it's own! Screw it! On the count of three-"

They shoved the doors open, then hid. Gandalf's "Let's go while we can!" made them both wince.

"Not only is it based on the movie, the author didn't UNDERSTAND the movie!" Jay hissed.

"I'd recommend charging them now, only both the elves have got their bows out.. this is going to be another hard one, we'll have to find a way to get them alone.."

"Or distracted." Jay thought for a moment. "Okay, during the fight with the troll..... who she's given a sword...."

"It is a grave," said Gandalf suddenly, and Acacia went ballistic.

"You do NOT give Gandalf Boromir's LImmmff!" 

"Calm down!" Jay winced. "Ow... ow.... stop biting, damnit..."

Acacia stilled, and Jay took her hand away, twining it in her shirt. "Okay. As I was saying. We can grab them in the fight-- especially if we don't run up to them like idiots."

Acacia, who was muttering darkly about some of the rather inventive things she would like to do to the author, didn't pay much attention to this.

Meanwhile, the fellowship had left, ostensibly to start a game of cards. "The hell they would," muttered Jay.

"Want to watch them be attacked by the Watcher?" said Acacia. "Even if the Sues steal the show, it'll still be fun."

In answer, Jay produced her Polaroid.

On cue, Frodo screamed. They watched as things unfolded. But something went amiss: Frodo fell into the water, and the Hobbitian Sue had to fish him out and-- of course-- give him mouth to mouth. Acacia stared as Jay plodded back into Moria and began to bang her head against the wall.

"I do not think this is the time for such things," said Boromir. This was so **exactly** what Acacia had been thinking that she stared. Anirana turned up with a rather weak comeback which nevertheless shut him up.

Acacia considered simply tying her up and bringing her live to Luxury to have her skinned.

*thump, thump, THUMP.* Jay came back out, her forehead bruising slightly, looking her usual chipper self.

"Acacia. You look horrible! Cheer up." Jay smiled. "I've got an idea, after all."

"What's the idea?"

"Well, maybe the reason Gandalf could beat the Balrog was because it was busy eating at the time...."

"Live food?" said Acacia hopefully.

"Absolutely!"

"Suits me."

"Wait.." Jay reconsidered. "Of course, they'll probably be dead after bouncing off the sides."

"Suits me anyway." Acacia cheered up.

"Come on... get inside, or they'll see you."

"Okay," said Acacia. "At least once they come in there'll be light.."

"Yep." Jay smiled. "Gandalf's cool that way."

The Fellowship set off a little way- **away** from the mines. Then Frodo burst out with "Sting! My sword! Alas, for I have left in the watery depths!" Jay and Acacia just **stared** at each other.

"I'm **not** going to check my Analysis Device.. I don't even **want** to know how out of character that was.." Acacia muttered.

Jay blinked. And stared. "Gee. I just almost drowned because of this huge tentacled thing-- let me go back into the water and fish for my sword."

The Watcher, still in character, attacked again. "Duh."

Gandalf yelled "In to the mines!" despite the fact that any other direction would have done as well and in fact possibly better (if not as canonically). They entered, and the rocks fell to seal the entrance.

Aragorn, for no obvious reason, called "Run!" so of course they all walked.

Jay snickered. "Very commanding, isn't he?"

"Quite so."

Gandalf led them on through the mines, Jay and Acacia trailing as closely as they dared.

Eventually the Fellowship decided to make camp. Anirana and Legolas sat down next to one another, and were approached by Hanae, who wanted them to teach her how to-

" ** _Arch?!_** " demanded Acacia. "The hells?"

"She wants to be a stonemason," Jay said thoughtfully. "It's a worthwhile trade."

"Oh, look, she's got a hobbit-sized bow. Now where, pray tell, did she get **that**?"

"'Arts and Crafts for Little Hands' class?"

Jay smiled, using the time to take pictures-- out of view of the Sues.

Within an hour, Hanae could add "expert markshobbit" to her list of skills and Acacia could see why so many of the assassins went insane.

Jay, in a moment of semi-sanity and observance, offered Acacia her headphones. "Listen to something. Take your mind off of things."

"Okay," said Acacia, taking out Jay's CD and inserting her Semisonic one.

Finally, Gandalf pointed out the middle corridor. "She took out his funny lines," Jay said with a pout.

"..I react like you're ringing a bell- huh? Oh. Yeah. Anyway, let's go."

The Fellowship walked along the corridor-- and straight to Balin's tomb. "Coulda sworn there was this big hall thingy, really," Jay said.

Acacia looked at the words, and shook her head at the spelling. Gimli was kneeling beside what was, apparently, a sarcophycus. "Dwarvish is misspelled Egyptian! More secrets of Tolkien," she remarked.

Pippin's knocking over of the dwarf skeleton, however, was true to movieverse canon, except for Gandalf's reproach: "Why don't you just throw yourself down next time and save us the trouble?"

"Close, but no cigar," Jay muttered. Then there was the sound of running feet-- "And the drums are WHERE?"

Aragorn took action by ordering Legolas and Boromir to block the door. "So active. Really," Acacia said sarcastically.

Jay just smiled, her goblin-face actually managing to dimple.

"And they left out Boromir's line about the cave troll," Acacia added sulkily.

Chaos ensued. Jay took a few moments to snap pictures, then darted into the fray and grabbed the hobbit girl, ducking random spears.

Acacia smiled nastily at the Mary Sue, and looked at the list of charges she'd written over the time she'd spent on this mission. "Ah. Hanae, it's my duty to inform you- stop her from shouting for help, Jay- that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, interfering with the characters of just about everybody, massacring the English language, stealing Sam's lines, changing the title of Bilbo's book, and being a Mary Sue."

"And being the elf-chippy's friend," Jay added painfully, as the Hobbit chewed at her hand. "Take her, Acy, I've got to get the other one."

"Fine by me," said Acacia mildly. She unstrung her bow and used the string to tie Hanae's hands behind her, then tried to find a way to keep her hand over the hobbit's mouth without getting it bitten.

Jay removed her jacket, and used the sleeve to gag her. Acacia nodded gratefully-- and Jay darted back in. There was a moment of silence-- the cave troll had just skewered Frodo.

_Someone up there likes me,_ she thought. She'd been worried about being noticed by the Elven archer, but she was staring dumbstruck at Frodo... She swung, rage in her eyes, her bow pointed straight at the assassin--but Jay did what she least expected.

She ducked.

"What? They NEVER dummFF! MMMFFF!"

Jay skittered back quickly. "SHUT up, shut up, ow, ow, ow, what, do you file your teeth? OW..."

"You've been getting your hand chewed a lot today, haven't you?" said Acacia.

"I'm going to have this fascinating scar pattern," her partner responded. "Do you have any contagious diseases?" she asked the elf, who stared at her with affronted disdain.

"Anyway, let's go find the Balrog." Acacia considered this statement. "There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.."

"Why NOT? And you haven't charged her yet."

"I thought the hobbit was mine and the elf was yours," said Acacia, "but if I get them both now I'm not objecting. Oh, and because it's big and tough and dangerous."

"That's true."

Jay pinned the elf against the wall.

"Anirana Halfelven... although I'm SURE you don't know that's your last name... I hereby charge you with MUCKING with everyone's characters-- disrupting the canon-- slapping down Boromir when he was making a good point-- massacring the Elvish language-- massacring the **English** language-- and being friends with Hanae." She smiled, showing a dazzling array of pointed teeth. "And guess what, chippy? Elrond has ONE daughter." She slammed her against the wall, for good measure, and because she bit less when she was dazed.

" **Now** we find the Balrog," said Acacia.

The two Mary Sues panicked. "You shut up," Jay said, as the elf thrashed in her arms.

"Just knock her out," said Acacia, who was having an easier time of it with the smaller Mary Sue.

Jay settled for dazing her again. "Off ya go, then." They marched down the hall-- pillarless, oddly enough-- till they saw the telltale red glow.

"Okay!" said Acacia brightly. She paused for a moment, thinking. "I wonder how Balrogs eat," she said mildly.

"Osmotic incineration?" Jay ventured, noting the whimpering Sues with pleasure.

"We'll get to find out soon," said Acacia, grinning nastily.

"Perhaps it devours them alive and they flake away inside it?" Jay went on, encouraged by the whining of the gagged prisoners.

"This could be a cryptozoology experiment," said Acacia brightly.

They turned a corner, and the Balrog loomed before them. It cocked its somewhat skullike head oddly, trying and failing to focus on the two Protectors.

"Get my jacket, please. I don't want that incinerated," Jay requested.

Acacia removed it from Hanae's mouth, and also retrieved her bowstring. "We whack them on the heads hard enough to stun them, then drop them and run, right?"

Jay looked oddly at her. "Do you want to find out how it eats or not?" She grabbed the elf, slammed her sylvan head against the wall several times, and tossed her at the balrog's feet.

"Not by being eaten, no," said Acacia. "And I didn't mean keep running the whole time, I meant run a ways, stop to watch, then portal out. But your way works," she added, and pitched the hobbit in the Balrog's direction.

It blinked at them, and then gave it up as a wasted effort. Jay's camera flashed away as it [Classified! PPC protected information.]

"Well, **that** was certainly interesting," said Acacia. "Shall we go back now?"

"Wait," Jay said. As they watched, the mediocre hall around them transformed into the great pillars of the dwarf city. Jay moved behind a pillar, and let the Balrog storm by.

"Fun," said Acacia.

Jay was in seventh heaven. The flash of her camera illuminated the pillars starkly, and a steady "click, click, click" filled the air.

"How many pictures of one room do you **need**?"

"Preeetty."

Jay finally stopped-- to change film. Then she went after the other rooms...... and the bridge...... and the tomb...

"Think you've got enough pictures by now?" demanded Acacia, who clearly did.

"Hang on," Jay said, carefully taking pictures of the abyss.

"There's nothing down there. It's blackness," Acacia pointed out.

"It's pretty blackness. See the walls? See the complex shades?"

"Shades of black? Black is black."

Jay looked at her oddly. "You're **weird**."

" **I'm** weird?"

Jay nodded. "Coming home now?"

"Yep."

Jay hit the portal. They stepped through, and into their own command center.

"Home again, home again, jiggity jig...."

"Do you **have** to say things like that?" said Acacia. "No wonder Upstairs has been having insanity problems.." She sat back in her chair. "And if we get another mission within an obscenely short amount of time, we're going up to see that daisy again and I'm setting **fire** to it."

"Sunflower. That's why they call it the "sunflower official."

Jay waited a moment.

[BEEEP!]

Acacia snarled. "GET THE MATCHES."

END

[Acacia's A/N: Yes, we've been getting meaner. But face it: They deserved it. Besides, Sam's my second-favorite character. Obligatory thank-you to reviewers goes here. Obligatory begging for more reviews goes here. Special thanks go to mulberry, who pointed this story out to us. And also suggested feeding the Sues to the Balrog, though I think she meant after they were dead. And gave us awards! ~shows off her Mithril Cross~]

[Jay's A/N: Most of the oddities in this story-- at least Jay's-- can be blamed on guys. A friend was told to draw "something with flowers" in art class-- he drew a sunflower in a suit. Another friend will honestly, and without provocation, say "Monkeys have FEET!" to anyone he meets. The head banging...... well..... *shrugs*. We thank you all for the warm and fuzzy reviews, and the wealth of targets.] 


	6. And in the Darkness Bind Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Acacia had grabbed a fire lighter and can of gasoline before Jay grabbed her.

"Stop! Look at this!"

"It had better be **really** bad, for me to.. oh. Oh, this is painful."

"Mute your Canon Analysis Device before we go... Legolas, and Elrond, and Gandalf are ALL out of character."

Acacia sighed. "I'm going to have to have Makes-Things just disconnect the sound on it if it goes on like this. Remind me to set fire to the sunflower later, okay?"

Jay didn't comment. She tapped at the pad, and opened the portal.

"Link. Flipping 'Link'," muttered Acacia as she gathered her gear. " **Someone's** been playing too much Zelda."

Jay was running through it bemusedly. "Look at this! Legolas acts like a bratty teenager...and the author REALLY didn't like Elrond."

"Aaaawwww. Legolas broke her heart once. How sweet. Let's kill her."

Jay started to pack her gear methodically...knitting, music player, and several interesting sharp objects. "To market, to market.." She jumped through the portal.

Acacia followed, hurriedly stashing her golden unicorn-horn in her backpack. This was another warrior-Sue and she didn't want another fiasco.

They arrived just outside of Rivendell... something seemed amiss. Everything seemed a little off-- the sign of a really extreme break in the continuum.

"See, the woods beyond Rivendell...."

"Oh, gods. Gandalf's been turned into a tour guide," said Acacia, looking slightly ill.

Legolas wasn't paying attention to the wizard-- not that Jay blamed him, at this point, but it was hardly the sort of respect that the elf should have been showing to the wizard.

"I'm in pain.." Jay said.

Acacia shrugged. "Watch me blame you."

"When do we get her? She's almost destroyed canon as is."

Acacia's eyes unfocused; she was reading ahead. After a moment she snapped out of it- "How about when Legolas starts dying for no obvious reason?"

"Works for me. "

"We'll have to deal with a lot of OOCness, though," she added, wincing. "And I mean **extreme**."

"I can tell." Jay stopped reading. "I... can't read this, Acy, I feel nauseous.." She threw on her earphones, and tried to ignore the world. "Only for you, I don't regret... that I was Thursday's child..."

Acacia peered, shrugged, and began, "For so long my life's been sewn up tight-"

-only to be interrupted by Legolas' "Gandalf! Halt! Draw your weapons!"

Jay took off her earphones in interest.

Everyone got out their weapons, and nothing happened. Then an arrow came flying out of the woods to barely miss Frodo and Sam. Legolas fired randomly into the woods, and a hooded figure jumped into the road.

Jay listened with interest.

When Legolas told Aragorn not to "waste your time, words, or weariness on this creature," Acacia snorted derisively. "And **who** told everyone to get out their sharp objects?"

Jay rolled her eyes. Then... he started talking about the "dirty, pathetic Half-elf-"

"ELROND IS A HALF-ELF YOU GMMMMM MMF!"

"I realize this may sound a bit hypocritical of me," said Acacia, "but.. shut up."

"Grrrmflmumble grrreff...." Jay snarled and jammed on her headphones.

Acacia waited a moment, then removed her hand.

Jay scuffed the dirt angrily. "I don't like her, none."

Within mere seconds, Acacia was prepared to concede that this one really was painful. Legolas was bragging about being immortal, obviously trying to make "Link" feel bad, and Acacia was seriously wishing for earplugs.

Jay glared, and turned up the volume so high that Acacia could hear David Bowie singing. Her partner could catch mumbled phrases like "Elrond wouldn't-" and "stupid hypocritical...."

Acacia sighed, plugging her ears with her fingers and trying to sing Shackled to drown out the rising argument.

Jay grabbed her arm, and dragged her into the trees, actually taking off her earphones. "This is really bad. Let's run ahead and wait for them."

"Fine by me," said Acacia gratefully. "It's in the mountains that Legolas starts dying of bad characterization.."

Jay made a determined effort to frolic ahead, and they easily outdistanced the arguing party.

"Why can't SHE walk on snow? It's an elf thing. Even a-" Jay sneered- "Half-elf. I can't **believe** she's using that as an excuse to be bitchy. Like Elrond's a pure elf, or something.. Like the name HALFELVEN isn't a clue...."

"Since when are Elf tears **red**?" demanded Acacia.

"Since when is Gandalf 'Mr. Dating Game'?"

"Can we stop asking rhetorical questions and just kill her when the time comes?" Acacia wondered. "I know now what trouble can be.. and why it follows me so easily.."

Jay didn't even sing. She just walked, and kept going until they hit the mountains. (Normally, this was a journey of days, or weeks... thanks to the ubiquitous plotholes around a Mary Sue, they could make the distance in about a day-- and the party wasn't far behind.)

**

"Yes, well Mr. I-can-run-on-top-of-snow-and-not-sink, the rest of us are not so gifted."

"Oh, gods. Aragorn sounds like a jealous kindergartener. Jay? Please just shoot me now.."

Jay reached back, and pulled out her longbow.

"I didn't mean it! Do you have to be so literal?"

"Well, you don't like my metaphors. I decided to be literal for a change."

"When did I say I didn't like- oh, look, Legolas has ambushed our Sue.."

"Hey, since it's only him, can we get her NOW?"

"Not yet.. gods, I never thought **I'd** be telling **you** to wait.."

Jay nodded, disconsolately. "When does he start dying? The sooner we get out-"

Acacia crept nearer to the snow-cavern into which Link had been dragged. Evidently Legolas had not taken acoustics into account when selecting it, because she could hear them clearly. "Stop screaming... biting my hand will not work, Linaael. Stop struggling, listen to me..."

"Do we have to?"

"It'll only be a minute before he starts spontaneously dying. I can put up with a few impassioned declarations of heartbreak in exchange for not having to explain away having killed her before a major break in canon."

"Owie." Jay sighed, and dropped to her haunches in the snow.

Acacia sat back and hummed, wincing occasionally at parts of Legolas' speech.. "YOU ALMOST KILLED ME, Linaael..."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, just start dying already so we can kill her.."

As the elven woman marched away into the snow, Legolas curled up fetally, his face going pale. He was crying tears-- red tears-- _Damnit, the only guy who's allowed to cry red is the Corinthian. What the hell kind of policy is crying blood, anyway?_ Jay reflected.

"Now, Acacia? Now now now?"

"Absolutely," said Acacia.

Gandalf had come to check on Legolas-- the Fellowship was waiting a ways away.

"FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!" Jay bellowed. "SHEATHE YOUR SWORDS AND LISTEN!" They stared at the orc they were suddenly able to see, and while not sheathing their swords, were certainly not attacking.. for which Jay was most relievedly thankful.

Acacia, meanwhile, had headed Link off as she ran. "If you want Legolas to live," she said helpfully, "try going back there to find him." Link stabbed her, because she was an orc, but took her advice anyway. Acacia swore, but took out the golden horn and healed herself. _Knew it would come in useful._

Link came running towards the fellowship, and Jay-

"Another one!" She yelled.

"Amazingly perceptive!" Jay got a smart nick on the arm for it, but managed to dodge around her and grab her. She held her at arms length.

"I hereby charge you in front of these witnesses, that you have altered canon-- screwed with the characters of Legolas, Elrond, Gandalf, and the rest of the Fellowship to boot-- that you have altered the physiochemistry of the Elves-- that you have inserted yourself where you should not be, and done it badly-- and that you piss me off." Jay glared at her. "Any last words?" The Fellowship was staring bemusedly, but standing in place for the time being. Someone who sounds that official is hard to argue with.

"No," said Link defiantly, raising her bow. "I don't intend to die just yet."

Jay pinned her arms to her side, making her drop it. "Try again."

The half-elf kicked and bit and made use of knees. Apparently she wanted her last words to be an incoherent scream of rage.

"Acacia, can you hit her from here?"

"Yep," said Acacia. "I'd rather you step back a bit, but that's clearly not going to happen.." She dragged back her longbow's string, and fired. Link was thrashing about so much that, despite Acacia's confidence, any aim was unsure, but the arrow stuck in her throat.

Jay dropped the body in deep disgust, and walked away, watching the rest of the Fellowship with half an eye.

Legolas was waking up, looking rather confused. The red stains on his cheeks vanished. Acacia unstrung her bow and grinned. Gandalf blinked. The Fellowship was milling around dazedly, but they'd soon be on their way.

"Come on. I don't feel good." Jay hit the remote activator and waited for her partner to come.

"Ah. Glad that's over," said Acacia, stepping through.

"I am not happy." Jay flung herself into a chair, still looking vaguely nauseous. "DAMN! We left her!" She slammed the console and threw herself back through the portal. Before Acacia could follow, she was back, the Sue slung over her shoulder.

"So what do we do with **this** one?" Acacia wondered.

"Watcher? Balrog? Orcs? Crebain? Start a pyre and cremate her?"

"We could give her to Lux and Sean," Acacia said, only half joking, "there's nothing those two can't have fun with.."

"I do so like that idea," Jay said, her smile almost coming back.

Acacia smirked. "A fitting end, really."

**

Jay portaled them to Lux's command center. "They're not here..."

Acacia looked around. "Must be out on a mission. Hardly surprising. Well, we don't have to wait for them.." She took a convenient piece of paper from Sean's desk, and wrote "This is a Mary Sue who we just killed. She's for you two, as long as you don't tell us what you use her for. We don't want to know. Signed, ACACIA", and taped it to Link's forehead.

Jay bounced out the door as soon as Acacia was done with the note. Then, she bounced back, and put her earphones on Acacia's head, turned up loud.

"GAH!" Acacia snatched them off her head. "You KNOW how I hate loud noises!"

Jay glared at her. "Keep them on. You can put your CD on."

Acacia turned the volume down quite a bit. "Okay. But why'd you have to turn them up so much?"

"You just put them on loud. I will explain later."

Acacia sighed. " **Fine** ," she said, and started listening to Vertical Horizon. "But there'd better be a good explanation."

"Now, just follow me for a minute."

"What?" said Acacia, who couldn't hear Jay over the near-painfully loud strains of You Say.

Jay smiled, and crooked her finger. She banged her head against the wall a few times-- dragged Acacia out the door, not giving her a moment to orient-- and they went down a short corridor, made a turn, and were back at their center.

"The hells?"

"We're back!" Jay grinned. "You can take them off, now."

Acacia simply turned the volume down to a more tolerable level. She wasn't halfway through the song, yet.

Jay shrugged, and bounced inside. "Silly Acacia."

"How'd you get us here so fast? Last time I tried to walk between here and the Department of Bad Slash, it took.. well, longer than that.."

"Yes. Because you NOTICED."

"Well, if you know, clearly you noticed, so what gives?"

"Proper preparation is key."

"You mean concussing yourself?"

Jay blinked at her. She inspected her reflection in a bit of metal, checking her pupils. "I'm not concussed."

Acacia gave her a lopsided look. "Whacking your head against the wall nearly hard enough to crack your skull is what I mean."

"Yes. Exactly. Why don't you do it? It would be much easier for you."

"I'm not that masochistic," Acacia sniffed. "And.. wait.. if it isn't long unless you notice, then there wouldn't be anything to notice. Right?"

"In the proper frame of mind, it becomes logical that the best way to get anywhere is simple path."

"What?"

"Why should there be a huge maze? Why should there be complicated halls and twists, and turns, and long halls?"

"Yes, but if there aren't unless you notice, why is there anything to notice?"

"It exists--you can find the way it was built if you follow the flamethrower marks."

Acacia considered this. "I give up. I hardly ever leave the response center anyway." She leaned back in her chair. "And you say.. what did I say.. what did you say.."

Jay smiled and leaned back. _Silly Acacia...._

It had been a good day.

And Acacia had completely forgotten to set fire to the sunflower.

END

[Jay's A/N: Oh, this hurt. This hurt SO BADLY. And the next story is worse! Oh, it is pain. I will drown my pain looking at Hugo Weaving pictures... Oh, remember that the Sunflower Official told us to recruit, so-- come on! Write your own! Let Jay and Acy have a little vacation time once in a while!]

[Acacia's A/N: This is the first one that I had touble reading even to kill. This is highly rare for me. In the name of sarcasm, I can read nearly anything, but this, this hurt. I hope you appreciate it. Thank you to Joan who reported the fic, and to all the other reviewers for reviewing. Will go and listen to my soundclips now, perhaps that will soothe the pain. This was a BAD FIC..]


	7. Children of the Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Something was happening in Headquarters that had not happened in quite some time.

Acacia was in a good mood.

It had been hours since the last mission. Probably. Time measurement in Headquarters was not an exact science; it had more in common with modern art.

This unsettled Jay greatly (if you could unsettle her much more then she already was). She'd found a small wrigglespace between the console and the wall, out of her partner's eyeshot, was curled up there knitting. 

Unfortunately, this wrigglespace was right next to the speaker, so she was nearly deafened when there was a [BEEEEEEP!]

A dazed "Owwwie," filtered out, but it was drowned out by Acacia.

"And **that** is why I have never sat there. What is it *this* time?" She started toward Jay's vacant seat.

Jay crawled out. "No, you never sit there because you border on claustrophobic." She pulled herself up, and looked at the console. "Oh, dear." She flung herself back into the space.

"That bad?"

Jay huddled in silence, wanting a little cover when Acacia had read it.

Acacia's good mood was evaporating like morning dew. When she finished reading the brief, she burst out with a string of words Jay had never even **heard** before.

Jay counted to ten, then crawled out quietly. She edged around Acacia, and towards the gear, which she packed quickly.

Acacia bit her lip. Hard. A bit of red showed up around her teeth. This did not improve her temper, and she whirled around to snatch up a rather impressive array of weaponry.

Jay wasn't happy, either. No Mary Sue had ever gone directly for her Favorite... but that didn't stop them from mucking about with his character. Still, Acacia's obsession bordered on stalking, and she had jealousy issues a mile wide.

While Acacia packed, she hit the necessary triggers, and slid through the portal ahead of her.

When Acacia turned up, she looked around. Jay was already there, but she wasn't the only one.

" **Luxury**?"

"Nyeeeeeeee-aaeeeys?" Lux said comically.

"Look, Acy, Lux is here!" Jay said, stating the obvious beautifully.

"And Sean," said Acacia, nodding at the blue-haired guy in a slightly bewildered way. " **Why** are they here?"

Sean looked up from the ant-hill he was twiddling with and said, "Hey! Look! Its the two who live together!" Luxury giggled and said, " **WE** 're here on a mission, what are **YOU** two here for?"

"..we.. were sent here on a mission.." said Acacia weakly. Then, recovering a bit, "What the **hell** is going on, you don't get slash in Sue stories!"

"That's not necessarily true," Jay mused.

Luxury shrugged unknowingly. "I don't ask questions."

"Well, I'm getting to the bottom of this," Acacia fumed. "Where are we? Rivendell again? **Right**."

Sean placed a cup of water on Acacia's head cautiously, hoping the fumes would heat the cup, for a nice spot of tea.

"Acacia, you're being silly." Jay smiled brightly. "Equal opportunity Mary Sue authors must exist..."

Sean began innocently mictorating on the anthill, oblivious to all of his surroundings.

Acacia snatched the now-very-hot water off her head, threw it at Sean, drenching him, sagged, and looked at the words. "Oh, gods. It's Marty Sam, this time. And Legolas." She sighed. "What **is** it about Legolas? I never really got what anyone sees in him.."

Sean squealed, and ran around, scalded.

"When other, more dignified, and hotter elves exist," Jay commiserated.

"I don't go for guys outside my species," sniffed Acacia.

Luxury cooed at Acacia mockingly. "Yees, but you **DO** see what people see in... BORROMIR!" She giggled hysterically.

Acacia looked at Jay. "We have to go on the mission with **these** two?"

Lux and Sean stood amidst the two assassins, looking very perverse.

Jay shrugged. "Either that, or we can tie them to a tree and do it ourselves.."

"They'd probably enjoy it."

"Yes, but we wouldn't have to deal with them."

Luxury's perverse brain finaly kicked into gear, and she said "Fine! If y'all are going to be like **THAT** , then we'll leave... Come, seanish!" She dragged Sean into the woods fumingly. Sean had a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face.

Jay shared a glance with Acacia. They both tried rather hard not to imagine what the two were doing...

"Well, that's got rid of them," said Acacia after a moment. "Shall we go and see what the Sue's up to?"

Giggling and boistrous laughter was heard from the woods.

**

It was a few minutes before the Council of Elrond was to begin. Jay was playing cards with Acacia; Lux and Sean were still in the woods, and both assassins knew better than to wonder what they were doing.

Luxury came strolling out of the woods, riding on Sean's shoulders.

Acacia stared for a moment, and said that Sean would have to come up for air **some** time.

Sean said muffledly, "Naw, I'm good!"

"Ignore them, Renn." Jay frowned, and laid down a king. Acacia laid down a king, on top of Jay's.... the flake's hand came down on the pile of cards with a resounding slap.

"Blast," said Acacia. "I think the Council's about to start, so if these two nymphos from the Slash Department will shut up, we'll get through it without being noticed."

"Nah," Lux stated, matter-of-factly, still on the **quite** euphoric Sean's shoulders, "We're invisble. Like in that story.. wossname.. um... the one with Scrooge!"

Jay scooped up the pile. "And we were almost done, too..." She had been winning-- she was horrible at poker, but she could take on anyone in Egyptian Rat-Screw."

"Only fellow PPCers can see us or interact with us!"

"Not to non-canons, you aren't invisible.."

"All the more fun." Lux smiled with delight.

"So, is now the time when we tie them to a tree?" Acacia wondered.

"If they SEE you, they will SHOOT you," Jay pointed out to Luxury. "And they will say to the canon characters, "Look, there are two Orcs and two humans," and the canon characters will shoot you!" She slipped a coil of rope behind her back to Acacia.

"And the Marty Sam is an expert archer," Acacia added. "Despite being blind, for some reason." She felt around the coil for the beginning of the rope.

Luxury and Sean stood pondering this for a moment. With total eloquence of speech, and as much intelligence as she could muster, Lux said "Okay!"

"So. What do we not do?"

"Attract non-canon attention," chorused the Bad-Slash partners.

"Good boy! Good girl!"

"Now shut up, everyone, it's starting," said Acacia, slipping the rope into her pack, but leaving the end sticking out. She crept up to the very edge of the clearing.

Luxury dismounted the now-very-sad Sean's shoulders, and sat atop the hiding Samwise's head, who was hiding the the bushes, and quite oblivious to the skirt-covered bum atop his head.

The Council began. The instant the ring was placed on the pedestal-type thingy, an argument started, instead of the awed susurration of the movieverse canon.

"Now, who are the bad-guys?" Luxury asked, munching quietly on popcorn.

Jay rolled her eyes, and pointed to the slasher. "And I'M a flake?" She crept over, and pointed out Kivan and Emma. "See? The ones who WEREN'T in the books? Or the movie? THEM."

Luxury said in awe, "Oooooh." Then tossed a light stone at the both of them.

"What the hell kind of name for a half-elf is Emma, anyway?" Acacia wondered.

Lux stated obliviously, "I likeit!"

"Amme spelled backwards?" Jay slid behind the girl in question, and started tying her hair to the chair.

Luxury watched the council intently, munching loudly on popcorn during the very important parts.

Acacia rolled her eyes. "I'm **surrounded** by flakes," she muttered, and went back to watching Boromir's little speech intently. To her disappointment, it was passed over with a sentence and no direct quotes.

The argument went into full swing. It was just getting to the good part, when

Kivan stood. "Stop it! All of you!"

His sister tried to stand, but found herself somewhat inconvenienced. "You're acting like children," she said from a half bent position, as she worked at her hair.

Luxury, completely obvlivious as to her position in all this, began absent-mindedly humming "Toxic Love", by the Insane Clown Posse.

"Who are you to tell us what to do?" Gimli said scornfully.

"He never *does* like the M-S's, does he?" said Acacia, grinning.

Kivan immediately apologized for being out of turn. And Elrond replied....

"IT'S OKAY??" Jay whispered, in pain.

Sean asked for a bit of the popcorn, and Lux capitulated to his request.

Jay started beating her head quietly against the dais. "That's." *thud* "not." *thud* "part of the elvish dialect..." *thud, thud* "I'm almost sure *thud* of it."

"Now that we are all calmer, who will take the ring to Mordor?" Gandalf wondered. Acacia stared, vaguely considering sticking herself with an arrow.

Jay frowned, and rather belatedly got out her headphones. " _I can't stand this emotional violence....leave in silence..._ "

Lux nicked an arrow from an oblivious Legolas, and handed it to Acacia.

"What's that for?"

"You considered sticking yourself with an arrow, and i read your subtitled-thoughts.... here."

"I'm interested as to WHERE you stick yourself," Sean added. Lux giggled. Jay slammed a pair of knitting needles over Sean's head.

"Lux, it's rude to read minds. Sean, just because **you** 've got your mind in the gutter doesn't mean **I** do," said Acacia.

Sean winced. "Another concussion! Ack!"

Jay turned up Depeche Mode, and kicked back, idly trying to lip-read the Council.. or at least one of them.

Lux lay down with her semiconscious Sean.

"If it is the will of the council. Then Gondor will see it done" "Something else for the charge sheet. SCREWING WITH BOROMIR'S LINES," Acacia snarled.

"Hmm. Someone didn't finish punctuation 101," Jay noted to herself, reading the Words.

Lux, extremely bored, began fiddling with Frodo's clothing.

Sam rushed in, with a fairly canonical line.

Jay watched the script (and lord Halfelven's lips), and poked the two non-canons sharply with her knitting needles when they screwed things up. When they looked around, she made a hurried "bzzzzzz". Luxury giggled, in hysterics.

Sean awoke, and crept around behind gandalf, and began making his hat levitate mystically. All the other canons assumed Gandalf was doing it, and Gandalf didnt want to seem senile, so he left the thought alone.

When the Marty Sam and then the Mary Sue invited themselves along, Aragorn and Legolas insisted they not be taken along. But then **Elrond** insisted that they be taken along. Acacia winced, looking to see Jay's reaction.

Jay shuddered, and turned up the volume as high as it could go. Then, a thought struck her, and she turned it down, and started giggling.

Luxury quietly checked for people watching, and when no one was looking, began tying Gimli's beard in knots. No one ever knew why.

"What?" Acacia wondered.

Jay looked at her with an evil gleam in her yrchish eyes. "Elrond tends to fight it, have you noticed? It's Vilya, I think the Sues never know what to do with it... or know he has it..." She flashed a toothy smile. "And right now, I think he wants those two as far away as possible."

Kivan mentioned something about how "I can see with my heart." Acacia winced at the sheer cheesiness of that statement, and broke a few thick orcish arrows over her head.

Sean went over to Jay comfortingly, hugging her, and secretly trying to cop a feel. Jay absentmindedly stabbed him with her needles, in a rather unpleasant place.

"I think.." *snap, splinter* "That the council.." *snap, splinter* "Is winding down."

Lux hissed at Jay, for this surely was an act of war, stabbing her man in his.. er... area."

Jay nodded. Indeed, the canon characters were getting up and leaving... complaining about "a woman in the party." Jay rolled her eyes. "Hmm. The greatest heroes of middle earth-- closet chauvinists. We must tell the world." She was oblivious to Luxury's hissing.

Lux lunged at Jay, and knocked the wind out of her. Jay responded by fumbling in her pack, pulling out nothing, and proceeding to garotte Luxury with said nothing.

Sean pulled out a Polaroid, similar to Jay's, and snapped some pictures. Acacia sighed.

**

"I don’t understand it. Gandalf, you say we don’t have much time, yet you want us to take along two children..." Aragorn complained.

"They are not as young as they look" Elrond corrected. "Kivan is twenty-three in human years and his sister is nineteen."

Acacia sniggered. "Oh, yes, **very** impressive."

Jay stuck her tongue out. "Oh, they're twenty, lalala... never mind that Elrond's about 30 times older then Strom Thurmond..." She grinned, and didn't add the rider that he was much cuter, but Acacia knew she was thinking it.

"A woman in the group" Aragorn muttered to Boromir. "This isn't good"

"Give her a chance" snarled Boromir. "You don't know what she's capable of. Or are you just annoyed because you don't even have a chance with her?" He stomped off not waiting for an answer.

Acacia had to be forcibly restrained.. and Jay got a lovely shiner in the process. "Do you know, later they find out she can't use a weapon... and still say, "Oh, how wonderful that she's along?"

"MY Boromir! She can't have him!"

Jay sighed. "Don't worry! It's all right, we'll kill them.... there, there."

Acacia finally settled down, or at least stopped thrashing quite so much. "All right, Emma.. if that's the way you want to play it.." she muttered, with a slightly sinister grin.

Jay's eyes widened. "What are you thinking..?"

"Flaying her alive, strangling her with her own intestines, and-"

"Acacia!"

"What?"

"No."

"She deserves it-"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because Upstairs frowns on it." Jay considered. "When do we get them? We can feed them live to something. Will that make you feel better?"

"We get them as soon as possible." Acacia considered. "What do we feed them to? We've done the Watcher, the Isengard orcs, the crebain, the Balrog, and the Department of Bad Slash. What else **is** there?"

Jay's eyes glowed. "Mt. Doom."

"Ooh. Burning alive. I **like** it."

"And we get pictures of Minas Morgul." Jay smiled happily.

"You have the oddest taste in tourist destinations."

**

When they wandered back to the clearing, the Bad Slashers were gone. Jay noticed a look of relief on Acacia's face.

"You know, this really isn't their field," Jay said thoughtfully. "They haven't ever killed in the line of work before... I don't even know if they can do a charge list."

Acacia sighed. "Yes. Being annoying sex-maniacs may be a good thing in the Slash Department, I wouldn't know- come to think of it, given that their job is breaking up relationships, it probably is- but it doesn't work to deal with these original characters without a trace of originality.." She sat back against a tree and began humming. "Maybe they'll be eaten by something."

Jay raised an eyebrow and looked thoughtful. "Like WHAT?" Her tone implied that even indiscriminate animals of prey might leave the pair alone.

Acacia rolled her eyes. "One another? Now it's getting dark, I want to get some sleep." She pulled her sleeping bag out of her gear, and took a cursory glance at the Words to see if the non-canons would be coming by the place- "Oh, damn. Damn and blast. There's a third one! A long-lost evil twin!"

Jay rolled her eyes. "More work. Wheee."

Acacia sighed. "Problem. The canons snap back into character once the others are gone, so we need to get these two within a short time of when we get this person calling himself 'Ranger'- cop-out, I say!- or we'll be getting people trying to avenge their deaths. Which means, obviously, that we'll have to **wait**." She sighed. "Why can't these missions ever be **simple**?"

"Because they hate us." This was Jay's tried and true response to just about anything, blamable on Saturday Night Live and too much sugar. (No clue was ever given to who "they" were. They probably weren't Upstairs, as Jay was oddly fond of the Sunflower Official and its ilk, nor were they a deity of some sort, because Jay seemed to trust hers. She didn't believe in conspiricies, either.)

Jay made the effort to keep her voice chipper: with any luck, her friend wouldn't figure out something was wrong.

Acacia sighed, having worked out long ago that asking who Jay meant by "they" was pointless. She unpacked a printout of the Very Secret Diary of Ringwraith Number Five and started reading. She seldom fell asleep quickly when incredibly upset.

**

The night passed quickly. It didn't want to hang around. Jay yanked herself out of bed quickly, downed her medications, and stalked away, looking glum.

"Whass wrong?" said Acacia, who was as has already been mentioned not a morning person and was therefore not awake yet.

Jay's lip started to tremble. "I.... I got mad, Acacia. I did something bad."

"Who's dead?" Acacia considered this. "Sorry, was thinking of myself there. What happened?"

Jay shifted mercurially from tears to grey. "I posted a review, Acacia. I actually told the author what I thought..."

"Oh. Good."

"You don't underSTAND!" Jay spun to face her. "You post a review... and people say, 'look at that stupid reviewer. Keep on writing, SMART people love you...'"

Acacia sighed. "Well, we are certainly not responsible for the ramblings of idiots, commander. I mean Jay. Although seriously, how these things get good reviews is beyond me. I suppose no one ever was starved for reviews by underestimating the taste of the multiverses' public.."

Jay mercurialized again., this time to wide-eyed anger. "I don't like that these stories can make me a common flamer." And with that, she shut up, and yanked her headphones on.

Acacia, who didn't see how bad reviews of bad fics could be considered flames, sighed. "I wonder where the Slashers are? Do you think they **were** eaten?"

"No." They walked along...the sounds of arguing filled the air. Suddenly, a feminine voice shrieked "POWERBOMB!", and there was a masculine grunt of pain.

Acacia sighed. "Serve them right if the Marty Sam heard all that noise they're making and stuck them full of arrows."

They both knew that Lux didn't fit even the low standards for the recruiting-desperate Department of Personnel, and had only gotten hired because she was Sean's girlfriend. The mystery was how **Sean** had got hired in the first place.

The two Bad Slashers strolled back out into the path, Sean looking distinctly whipped.

Acacia sighed. "If you two are capable of shutting up, we're going back into Rivendell to watch them set out." She fished out her Canon Analysis Device, despite the fact she was quite sure she didn't want to know what it'd say.

"I don't want to go back to Rivendell," Jay inserted quietly (and pointlessly.) That said, she started back toward the elven city, quietly humming "Army of me".

They arrived just as the Fellowship was getting ready to leave, so they did turn out to have a bit of leisure time. It was a nice break from leaving at the crack of dawn, if not fully canonical.

Jay took out her Polaroid meditatively, and started snapping pictures of-- of all possible subjects-- their targets.

"What do you want pictures of **them** for?" wondered Acacia, who had gotten the cards out of Jay's pack and was playing Patience, despite the fact she'd never been able to master the game.

"Therapy." Jay was smiling oddly, now. "Hey..." she pointed at Sean. "Isn't that your CA Device?

Acacia glared, and snatched the device away from the Slasher, who was trying to take the casing off to see how it worked. He, rather notoriously, tinkered.

Jay shrugged. She didn't much care if he mucked about with hers.... she'd become rather adept at telling who was a Mary Sue and who was a bit.

Acacia wasn't really bothered about her own Device, if it came to that; she could tell when someone was suffering a Character Rupture, it wasn't all that hard to spot. **And** she'd taken to leaving it in her pack recently, or at least muting it, because it shrilled so loudly practically all the time. Blatant Character Ruptures were getting audibly irritating. She just didn't want Sean breaking it.

The time slunk by embarassedly, running as fast as physics would allow it. When the party finally set out, the Protectors eagerly greeted the chance to get moving.

They followed, Jay and Acacia giggling hysterically at a conversation between Legolas and Aragorn as they started out. Apart from this, the day passed quite uneventfully until the Fellowship stopped off for the night.

"They're arguing. How canonical." Jay dropped to her haunches and watched.

Acacia crept slightly closer. Her Analysis Device was muted again- it would be hard to avoid being heard, since it was reporting no less than **four** Character Ruptures and five more instances of dangerously-nearly-ruptured OOCness. The numbers displayed were getting depressing, and she headed back to the Slashers and handed it to Lux which was, with the benefit of hindsight, a bad idea. "Hold this."

Jay raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.

She headed back to the argument, snickering slightly at Legolas' description of the virtues of the longbow. It was all **true** , but.. it made him sound like, as Gimli was quick to point out, a coward.

Jay slithered up beside her. "The completely left out that nifty sword," she whispered. "He diversifies."

Acacia nodded, then tried hard not to burst into fits of hysterics when the Mary Sue said that her brother wasn't much good with a sword, "being blind and all.." "And yet he can use a bow perfectly well? Inconsistencies all round. Even with itself, not just with the canon."

Jay sighed. "Maybe he uses heat seeking arrows?" She took out a notebook, and scribbled down a note.

Acacia peeked over her shoulder, trying to get a look at what was being written.

Jay had handwriting that evoked words like "scrawl," "script," and "spidery," but Acacia could make out "Stupid arguments 12.a.iv: Bow/sword/axe? Poor details, contradictory information. 6/9 = 75" It was in the middle of a thick sheaf of similar papers...Acacia found herself not wanting to know what 12.a.i-iiii were.

The argument seemed to be breaking up. Boromir was having a conversation with Aragorn. Quietly, but Acacia had very good hearing. "But to be honest, I am curious as to why you chose to defend her so fiercely. Is there perhaps a reason behind it?"

"No. I just feel sorry for them, both of them"

Fortunately, Jay did not have to try to restrain Acacia again and be beaten up, because at that moment there was an explosion from the direction of the Slashers. The canon characters didn't hear it, but the others sure did. The assassins picked up Lux and Sean bodily and **carried** them into the trees near the camp-site.

"What did you **do**?" hissed Acacia.

"Nothing!" Sean whimpered, clutching the remnants of Acacias CA Device in one singed hand. Jay stared in horror. "Acy! They're following us!"

"Damn," said Acacia. She held Sean close to her face in one big hand. "Remind me to beat you up later," she snarled. Uruk-hai voices were **good** at snarling. "Let's go."

Jay eyed a nearby tree-- one with nice, low hanging branches. "Get out of here." She stooped, gathered a few stones, and hoisted herself laboriously into the tree.

Acacia grinned, picked up Lux as well, and forced her way through the forest. There was a convenient ditch not that far away, and she ducked into it.

Jay began pitching stones in random directions, royally confusing the Sue and Sam. Finally, they retired to the fire, lamely excusing themselves with reports of "an animal scuffling," and Jay sighed in relief.

" **Now** ," said Acacia sourly, "what did you do to my Device? I know you blew it up, Sean. I just want to know why."

"Um, um," said Sean. "I thought if it could tell how out of character someone was, it could be changed to make them get back **in** character. And I think I know what I did wrong, so-"

"Get your own!" Acacia said sourly. "Doesn't the Department of Bad Slash have Analysis Devices? And if that would work, I'm **sure** Makes-Things would have thought of it by now."

There was a smack in the darkness, and Sean winced. Jay appeared, covered in pine needles. Luxury glared at her, but something managed to tell her that this was Not The Time.

Acacia sighed. "I can get another.." she said, and packed the remains of the Device away- electronics from Headquarters, even burnt-to-a-crisp electronics, suddenly turning up in wherever-the-hell-they-were-now would not be all that canonical.

The two slashers trailed along behind the marching Sue Assassins, looking poleaxed.

"Are we going to let them kill Kivan or not?" Jay asked quietly.

"They haven't actually got weapons," Acacia pointed out. "He'll just shoot them." She grinned. "Which means, obviously, that we let them."

"Acacia!" Jay managed to supress a grin long enough to look horrified. "Shilly person."

Acacia smiled thinly. "What, you thought I was joking?"

"There's a shortage as it is. S.O. would have you for fertilizer...."

"No it wouldn't, there's a shortage," Acacia pointed out. "Okay, okay, fine."

They plodded on in silence. Jay fell behind with Luxury and Sean, and they started trying drive Acacia off the cliffs of sanity. Every five minutes, there was a chorus of "are we there yet?"

"Jay. Give me your headphones."

Jay pouted. "Awww..." She walked back up to Acacia. "I've got a splitter cable... I'll share... if we can agree on the music."

Acacia sighed. Getting two human beings to agree on music was notoriously hard. It was even more difficult when the two had been partnered at Headquarters; Upstairs gave all the employees personality tests to make sure they were deliberately assigned a partner who was their total opposite. This supposedly reduced the insanity problem- something to do with banter- but Acacia personally thought it more likely to make matters worse. "Okay.. Nine Days?"

"If I have to listen to 'Absolutely' again, I'll go into seizures.. Bjork?"

"Only just heard of them two seconds ago. Vertical Horizon?"

"Her. She's a Her. .... Third Eye Blind?"

"Agreed."

"Do you have some of them with you? I don't doubt it."

"Absolutely." Acacia dug into her gear and produced a CD.

Jay promptly went into seizures. (See, children? Fun with semantics.)

Acacia rolled her eyes. "Stop it, Jay."

"You do it," Jay pointed out. Acacia exercised her gift of selective hearing. Jay set up the splitter, handed Acacia a pair of earphones, and said "and after this, you get to find out who Bjork is..."

" **If** we get to listen to Vertical Horizon after that. Incidentally, where are we going? It's nightttime.."

"Away from their camp, and towards the break. Mr. Matt Murdoch back there hears a little too much for my comfort."

"Who's Matt Murdoch?"

Jay looked pained. "I forgot. You don't care for comics. Daredevil-- the blind one?"

"Aaaah."

"We're about where the break will happen... I suggest we drop and sleep. We can run reco-- reco-- re- scouting, damnit, tomorrow." Jay had an extensive vocabulary, it was true, but the words sometimes got scared of her and ran away.

"Fine by me," said Acacia. "Hey! Slashers! We're stopping here to sleep. And not with one another, you nymphos, so see if you can keep your hands off each other for one night. I'm tired."

Luxury smiled sweetly, and produced a double sleeping bag. Jay and Acacia shared an eye-roll.

"Bah." Jay slung her bag down, and was asleep rather quickly-- and thus was spared the interesting sounds issuing from certain other quarters.

Acacia, the frequent insomniac, was not so lucky. She finally resorted to using the headphones. The batteries would be rather worn down in the morning, but they could always get more from Makes-Things, who would give them practically anything if it would get them out of there any faster.

**

Dawn rose on Jay, knitting serenely. She'd been woken up early, and couldn't get back to sleep... she was still lethargic enough not to hit her partner and make her wake up.

Acacia, however, eventually woke up on her own. After the sun had been up for a good hour or so but, hey, it still counts.

"You're awake," Jay noted, snatching the gold cup for "stating the obvious."

"You think?" said Acacia sleepily.

"I'm fairly sure."

" **Very** funny." She looked around. "Where'd the Slashers go?"

"Not a clue. And you know? I'd rather not know. So, when do our jolly travelers arrive?"

"I don't know. You can check the words just as easily as ask me, yanno."

"..." Jay held her hand in the air, one finger extended, mouth open. "Yippee. They'll be here tonight. Carrying the hobbits... not canon, but at least decent of them."

"Of course decent of them, they're Mary Sues," said Acacia sourly. "Well, one of them is, and the other one's a Marty Sam, so.."

Jay nodded. "These two aren't so horribly bad, that's the thing. You have to **look** before you see things thrown a kilter... maybe we can be merciful?"

"No."

"Why not? What's so wrong?"

"She messed with Boromir, what did you **think**?" said Acacia sourly.

Jay just sighed. Little details... But this actually felt like the author was at least trying to write a decent story. Still. No mercy in the work.

When Acacia wasn't looking, she took out a piece of paper and started writing.

[To the author. You're a decent writer, but you really can't do Tolkien's style-- I'm very sorry for what I'm going to do. You might try for an independent career, with your own characters, instead of someone else's.] She folded it carefully into an origami crane, and tucked it into the folds of her jacket.

At this point they both heard the Slashers on their way back, making a very small amount of noise surplus to that required to wake the dead.

"We must teach them to sneak."

" **You** can," said Acacia, " **I** 'm not spending any more time around them than I need to.

"They aren't bad sorts."

"They annoy me," said Acacia unfeelingly.

"Many things annoy you." Jay pointed out. "I'm often one of them."

"Yes, but, see, you're my partner. I can't get **away** from you. But I'm not spending any more time around these idiots than I have to. They're **always** one- er, two- of them."

"Huh?" Jay asked brightly.

"Oh, never mind," said Acacia.

Then the Slashers arrived.

"Hiii!" Lux grabbed Acacia around the neck. "Wubbu! How are you! Are they here yet?"

"Ack.. air.."

Luxury released her choke hug slightly. Then, she pounced on Jay.

"Oof.."

Acacia muttered something unintelligible, but in which something which sounded suspiciously like "idiots" could be made out.

"So," Jay managed, extricating herself, "how do we kill time until tonight?"

Lux and Sean exchanged knowing glances. Acacia shrugged.

Jay thought for a minute. "Do either of you know Egyptian Rat-- er.... Ballistic Slapjack?"

"Nope!" Luxury said cheerfully.

"I know Tripoli," Sean volunteered. Jay winced.

" **You** can try and teach them card games," said Acacia, "I'll sit over here and.. um.. draw."

"Acy, I lo-" Jay looked at Lux- "like you, but you can't draw."

"So?"

Jay's fingers twitched. "I'll help you.."

Luxury pouted. Then she smiled. "We'll all draw!"

"Oh, my..."

"Just don't show us your pictures," said Acacia. "Okay?"

"I'll look at them," Sean volunteered happily.

Acacia groaned.

**

The night was dark, and the wind tossing in great trees. Standing in the road, a grey man with the horns of a demon stared out at--

\---a bunny-girl in a bikini. Jay blinked. "LUXURY!" She salvaged her sketch, and put it in her pack. "I told you I didn't want to see your pictures..."

"This one's wearing clothes!"

"Oh, **gods** ," said Acacia, for what was probably the fifty-third time that day.

"I wasn't done with the tossing trees, either," Jay said sulkily. "Still. It's almost time..."

"Oh, good."

The fellowship appeared in the gathering dusk (pardon the cliche,) walking quietly. Emma and Boromir were in back, each carrying a hobbit.

"There they be.."

"Good. I was getting sick of waiting."

Jay looked like she was having reservations. She took a last look at the words to steel herself, and cracked her knuckles.

The Fellowship decided to give Legolas first watch.

"Oh, **good**. They're asleep," said Acacia. "We can just waltz right in and take them off, Legolas can't see us.."

"What about us?" Lux asked.

"You make lots of noise. You'll wake everyone up. You get to stay behind. Gods **know** why you were sent here in the first place.."

"It's... our job?" Sean ventured.

"It's your job," Acacia said sourly, "when it's canon characters who can't be just killed. Marty Sams are **our** jurisdiction, slashy or not. Do you even actually have any weapons?"

The slashers looked at each other.

"I doubt it. Lessgo?" said Jay.

"Absolutely."

They crept into the Undefined Spot where the Fellowship slept. Acacia lifted Emma off the ground without too much trouble, and Jay picked up Kivan.

Unfortunately, even if Legolas couldn't see the assassins, and therefore **how** the non-canons had gone missing, he was certainly capable of seeing that the two were no longer there.

Behind them, Jay heard the sound of the alarm being raised. "Where do we charge them?"

"If we're still chucking them into Mount Doom, then we can portal and charge them there.."

"I think we should save Doom for someone who deserves it."

"They do."

"Don't."

"Do so."

"Do not." Jay put down Kivan long enough to fiddle with the Remote Activator. She motioned the two Slashers through, then jumped through herself.

Acacia stepped through, dragging Emma. She looked around, to see where Jay had portalled them to.

"Midgewater?!"

"Why not?"

Acacia sighed. "Fine," she said sulkily. She whacked Emma much harder than was strictly neccessary. "HELLO, Emma! This is your nine A.M. wake-up call!"

Jay shook Kivan a little more gently. "Wakey, wakey!"

He immediately reached for the bow that wasn't there.

"Bows aren't good at this range, anyway," Jay said.

"Okay." Acacia took a deep breath. "Emma.. what's your last name? Silverblade, I'm charging you with messing up the canon by joining the Fellowship.. screwing with Boromir- he's **mine** , just so you know-" (Emma looked **extremely** confused at a statement like that coming from an orc) "..sending everyone **else** out of character.. being a Mary Sue.. and pissing me off royally." She wasn't far enough away to use a bow properly, and simply held the Sue's face in the swamp till she drowned.

Jay winced. "Yours? He really isn't, you know..."

She looked at Kivan, and took a breath. "Kivan Silverblade-- I charge you mostly with the stuff your sister was charged with. May your afterlife be in the canon, that you may now learn the truth." Her hands flashed out, grasped the top and side of his head, and twisted. There was a snap.

Jay looked dispirited. "Let's go home."

"There's still the evil twin," said Acacia."

"Yes, Acacia," Jay said.

Acacia peered at the words. "He'll be just outside Moria, I **think**.

"Whee?" Jay hit the activator.

They arrived at the Moria gate, but there was no one there. Acacia scanned the words for a moment, and then muttered something under her breath. "Technically there should be a day between when we got the other two and when this 'Ranger' person turns up at Moria. Taking plot holes into account.. I think he may get here in a few hours."

Jay shrugged. "Cards? Singalong?"

"No singalong," said Acacia. "I've **heard** Sean sing."

"Come on. 'There's a liiiiiiight, over at the Frankenstein plammmph..."

Acacia glared, considered swiping the headphones, remembered she'd worn down the batteries, rummaged in her pack for some earplugs, and started singing something **else** to herself. "Got your tape and it changed my mind.. heard your voice in between the lines.."

Thwarted in her efforts to annoy Acacia, Jay pulled out her own headphones, banged the player until the batteries relinquished a little more power, and fished for a Depeche Mode disk.

The Slashers looked only slightly annoyed at being left out. Luxury smiled at Sean, and they started their own singalong. Luxury knew all the words.. to all the songs in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

When Marty Sam Deville arrived, he was taken rather aback by the sound of four different songs being sung at once. Technically it was three, but the musical skill of Sean was such that it was impossible to tell he was **trying** to sing the **same** song as Lux.

"Promises me I'm as safe as houses," Jay sang, ", as long as I remember who's wearing the trou-- Ooops." She poked Acacia in the shoulder.

Acacia remained oblivious. "ACACIA," Jay hissed. "GOOD morning..."

"New Year's Eve, and it's hard to believe another zodiac's gone arou-" she took one earplug out. "Yes, what do you want?" She looked around. "Oh." She removed the other earplug.

"We really don't have much of a charge list against this fellow.." Jay pointed out worriedly.

Acacia shrugged. Before she could answer Jay, the noncanon had found his voice.

"Who **are** you?"

Jay looked at Acacia: her first impulse was honesty, but that might not be a good idea. She'd consult the sane one first.

Acacia, only sane by comparison, just said "Are you Ranger Silverblade?"

"He can SEE us, IDIOT!"

"So?"

Jay rolled her eyes. "So do you think he's the Avon Lady? What other character in here can pick us out?"

Ranger was looking more confused by the minute.

"Anyway," said Acacia, "You're charged with disrupting the canon by.. well, really, you haven't **done** much to the canon, we could let you live if your idiot siblings hadn't screwed with it.. anyway, sorry, but we have to shoot you now."

Ranger drew a sword. "I think not. I really do."

"You could come work with us," Jay offered. "We're understaffed."

Ranger lowered the sword slightly, though he didn't sheath it. "What would this involve?" he asked warily.

"Know what a Mary Sue is?" Jay asked.

"No."

"Your kid sister's one," Acacia commented. "Which is why-" she grinned- "we've just killed her."

"But she wasn't a really bad one," Jay added.

"There've been worse," Acacia conceded grudgingly. "Simpering, mewling wimps."

"There are people more simpering and mewling than **my** sister?" Ranger looked shocked.

Acacia grinned, unstrung her bow, and stepped forward. "First, put that sword away. Someone might get hurt. Thank you. Now, if you'll come back to Headquarters with us, we can **show** you.."

**

_Can I believe what I see? The prodigals have actually physically recruited someone?_

Acacia nodded happily, completely ignoring the Sunflower Official's sarcastic tone of pseudovoice.

Ranger had been quite astonished at their use of the remote activator, at Headquarters, at the way Jay and Acacia had suddenly dropped the appearance of Uruk-hai in favor of their **real** looks, and in fact at just about everything that had happened since being confronted with the assassins at the Moria gates.

"He followed us home! Can we keep him?" Jay bounced excitedly.

_It is not precedented._ The Official glared... probably..

"It's a flower!" Ranger hissed behind them, narrowly squeaking ahead of Jay in the "stating the obvious" race.

"Of course it's a flower," said Acacia. "You'll have a lot to get used to here.." She considered this for a moment. "Oh, and when you get sent out on a mission, no trying to take over Middle-Earth. You don't do it in canon- you don't exist in canon- and Upstairs will yell at you."

Ranger looked dubious.

_Now, constable. We don't.... yell..._ The sunflower contrived to look threatening, though its voice remained pleasant. Ranger Got the Hint.

"So," said Acacia. " **Can** we keep him?"

_Yes. But if he causes trouble, you have to have him neutered._

"What does that mean?" Ranger wondered. Acacia told him. He looked sick.

"Muaha." Jay bounced away. Acacia followed, Ranger in tow.

END

[Acacia's A/N: Well, Jay was right.. this one wasn't quite as bad as some others. But they messed with my Boromir. So they had to go. Any spinoff-writers wanting Ranger for a partner.. well, the first to ask gets him, that sounds fair. And thanks to Architeuthis, KazraGirl, Black Katana, and anyone else I'm forgetting who's written one! Read theirs!]

[Jay's A/N: Why couldn't I have saved the flame for a fic that more richly deserved it? WHY? Why did I waste it in a moment of pique? Huh? Ah, well, such is humanity. We've actually started to get spinoff fics....*warm, fuzzy* We Wuv You if you write spinoffs.... they've been great so far. Keep it up! Thanks for the happy reviews....]


	8. Why am I Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Acacia was getting rather sick of waiting. She'd rather counted on being able to leave Ranger at the Department of Personnel, not have to wait till his new partner arrived.

Next to her, Jay fidgeted. The Director of Personnel, a daisy in a pinstriped suit and brown bowler, looked up.

_The agent will be here in a minute.... no, really, I promise.... after all, we're a model of efficiency. Remember?_ It smiled comisseratingly. Probably.

"You said," Acacia pointed out, "half an hour ago, that he'd be partnered up and off to a response center in five minutes. I remember **that**."

The daisy's petals drooped. _I lied._ It tapped its fronds in a tattoo on the desk.

"Acacia, don't be mean," Jay spoke up. "I'm sure it's trying."

Ranger looked from one face to another, and said nothing. He was still looking a bit poleaxed... the daisy's attempt to strike up friendly conversation hadn't helped.

Acacia sighed, pulled out a book, and began reading. (It was titled "Deadly Doses: A Writer's Guide to Poisons." The fact that this was spare-time reading for her probably says a lot about her.)

Outside in the hall, there was the sound of running feet. The door was pushed open quickly, and a rather tired-looking young woman hurried in. She sagged against the door, her weight pushing it shut, and breathed deeply.

Acacia put down the book. "And you're..?"

She straightened a bit, smiled, and ducked her head at Acacia. "Agent Robyn. You're... Acacia? Or are you Jay?"

"Nope, Jay's me," Jay put in.

Acacia smiled thinly. "This here's Ranger. He's the evil twin of a Sue we just killed, and we didn't have much of a charge list, so we recruited him. If I'm correct in assuming you're the person the daisy called in, he's all yours."

Robyn's eyes grew wide. "That's why you called me here...? I get a partner?"

_Indeed._

"AWWRIGHT!" She punched a fist into the air, then looked embarrassed. "Sorry. Uh... I'm just a bit overworked by myself."

Acacia blinked. "I thought they gave everyone partners to begin with.."

_Understaffing,_ the Daisy understated.

" **Ah**."

Ranger got up, and warily extended a hand to Robyn. "Hello?"

Robyn took his hand and shook it rather enthusiastically. "Hi!"

Ranger still looked wary.

Jay thought for a minute, then came over and whispered something in Ranger's ear. He brightened, smiled back at Robyn, and followed her happily out the door.

"What'd you tell him?"

"Explained that she was sane."

" **I** see," said Acacia, grinning. "Though I'm not sure why he wanted to take your word for it, of all people. Now, do we go back to our response center now?"

Jay nodded, but her stomach rumbled. "Hit the cafe first?"

"We have one?" said Acacia, who lived on pizza and chocolate brought from the real world.

"We have one. And it sold tunafish and chicken salad... and lo, poured out a multitude of junk food.... and the agents looked upon the cafe, and it was good."

"Has it got chocolate?"

"Hersheys, Ferrero Rocher, Nestle, Cadburry..." Jay thought for a minute. "Oh, yeah, and pizza, too."

" **Ex** cellent."

**

Both of them were in a much better mood when they got back to their response center. Jay was still munching on chicken salad sandwhich, and had spent several dollars on a half dozen foil wrapped eggrolls now squirreled away in her backpack. And a Twinkie.

Acacia sat back in her seat, contented. This must have been too tempting a scene for the Narrative Laws of Comedy, because-

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!]

Jay nodded. "Acacia, stop looking content when we get here..."

"Will try," sighed Acacia. "Check what the fic is, will you?"

Jay looked. And blinked. "Is this a misfiled parody?"

"That bad?"

"YOU look."

Acacia stepped over to Jay's terminal, read a bit, and winced. "I think.. that it would be a good idea.. to get this done as soon as possible. It's things like this that cause a sudden work ethic to form."

"Mt. Doom?" Jay started packing. "Ooooooow. She's got a pet dragon. And a katana. She must burn."

"I'll say this for her: At least she picked an original character for a boyfriend. Granted, he's an orc, but.."

"And he wants to become an elf again. How does THAT work? He wasn't one to begin with..."

"He thinks he was."

"Uh. HUH. Sure. This gal has problem with timespan...." Jay winced. "How small does she think Middle Earth is? Rivendell to Orthanc in a day's ride?"

"Something for the charge sheet. Distorting geography." Acacia looked at the few excerpts from the Words on the screen. Most of them were there for a reason, so it was a good idea. "Oh, **gods**.."

"Oh, **dear**.." Jay got out of arm range. Acacia had gotten to THAT part.

Acacia glowered for a moment, then took out her book and flipped to a spot near the end, apparently looking for something.

Jay smiled happily. Ahh, the stress relief of gruesome death.... she turned her attention to the story. "I don't think orcs are going to cut it this time."

Acacia ignored this, being rather absorbed in looking through _Appendix C: Poisons by the Symptoms They Cause_. "Ah. Pain. Acid, adder, alkalies, ammonia, beaked sea snake, brown recluse, cadmium, camphor, cationic detergents, cinchophen, cobra, corn cockle, fer-de-lance, Gila monster, hemlock, jellyfish, monkshood, Portugese man-of-war although I'm sure that's just another jellyfish, scorpionfish, scorpions, silver nitrate-"

Jay grinned. If Acacia ignored her, there were consequences. She hit the necessary controls and motioned Acacia through.

Acacia rummaged in a drawer to find a vial, stowed it in her gear, and stepped through.

Acacia spun around. She felt unexpectedly light-footed and unorclike. "Okay, Jay. What'd you do?"

"We're being canonical," the somewhat stocky (for an elf) elf said in a musical voice (the music in question being British protest rock. But what did you expect?)

"Elves? It's a nice change, but.. how come?"

"Chicky and her sex slave get locked up Mihkwood," Jay said.

"Ah," said Acacia. "And we seem to have arrived in Rivendell again, so even if we're noticed we'll fit **right** in."

Jay grinned happily. "Don't suppose we could talk to Elrond..."

"He can't see us, Jay.."

"We can make him notice us."

Acacia sighed. "Okay. Fine. You can if you like. I'll be right here."

Jay bounced away. About five minutes she came back, looking happy, holding a polaroid and a file card. With a signature on it. Acacia rolled her eyes.

"EE!" Jay bounced and pointed. "He signed my cahd. I'm.. so.. happy!"

"Whoopee," said Acacia, who had spent the five minutes pilfering a rather more elvish bow, and filling her quiver with more appropriate arrows. Several random elves were going to be upset.

Jay smiled, and bounced away again before Acacia could stop her. Just as Acacia was getting worried, she bounded back.

"You yelled at Meee for stealing," she said.

"That was different."

"How?" Jay asked.

"That was when it was **you** doing it," said Acacia, smirking. "I think the Council will start soon. Shall we go and witness her rather undignified entrance?"

"Quite."

**

It was a nice change, not having to hide in the bushes. The canonicals wouldn't see them, and the Mary Sue would hardly notice two more elves.

After a moment, there was a descending, Dopplered scream. A young woman fell into Gandalf's lap. Jay and Renn exchanged glances.

"Oof!" said Gandalf, and they both winced.

"What a pity she didn't land on someone who'd enjoy it..." Jay said vaguely.

"Like who?" said Acacia.

"A straight guy?" Jay blinked. "No, sorry, it's the actoh who's gay... nevermind."

Acacia grinned. "Depends on who you ask. Remember I started out in the Slash Department?"

"Ah. Yes." Jay nodded. "However, I KNOW Sir Ian McKellan's -hem- preferences, whereas Tolkien really made all of his charactehs ratheh sexless."

"Some people have the oddest ideas," said Acacia- quietly, so this Alex person wouldn't hear. "Radagast. Saruman. Frodo, and that was **really** strange. Elrond.."

"Radagast, Saruman, and Elrond I get." Jay shrugged. She had a bit of a guilty penchant for the odd slash story.

Acacia just shrugged and turned her attention back to Alex.

Alex and Boromir had been arguing-- or rather, Alex had been throwing rather nasty comments his way. "Why do you mock me?" Boromir asked, his hackles rising.

"Because I hate you."

"Well, you," Boromir said, spitting in her face, "are an ugly, insensitive, wench!"

Jay applauded quietly. Acacia cheered outright. Fortunately the Mary Sue was too busy punching him in the nose to notice, and when he hobbled off, positively **sobbing** , Jay had to drag Acacia out of the area and tie her up to stop her trying to eviscerate Alex.

After she had calmed, Jay untied her and thrust a rag in her face. "You. Kind and gentle elf. Go tend to the prince's broken nose. It'll make you feel betteh.

Acacia brightened up immediately. She **liked** that idea.

"I'm going to talk to Sue for a minute."

"Fun," said Acacia, heading off to go find Boromir.

**

"'ere, you, Alex."

Alex turned as a dark-haired elf, tall and broad-shouldered, addressed her. "Yes?"

"My Lohd Elrond 'as requested that I speak to you about cehtain actions at the council..."

"Why do you have a British accent?"

"I don't know what yer talkin' about, M'lady."

"You do! It's British."

"M'lady?" The elf looked at her strangely.

Alex gave up. "Nevermind. What was it you wanted to tell me?"

The elf grinned positively evilly, and launched into a long speech about how violence was bad. Alex was rooted to the spot, dizzied by sudden tangents in the monologue on such fascinating subjects as the classification of jellyfish, and the 305.2 national cheeses of Gondor. Just as Alex thought she was done, the elf reached into her robe and pulled out sock-puppets.......

**

"Boromir?" The elf opened the door and entered without waiting for an answer.

"My lady." Boromir looked angry. And confused. And his nose was bleeding.

"I can help with your nose," the elf offered. This was not the most brilliant comment in the world, but she was distracted by trying to think of a name.

"Thank you." Boromir was too preoccupied to ask for one. "She.... broke my nose. And I was reduced to... something weak. What **is** this?"

"Mary Sue," said Acacia sympathetically, sitting down next to him.

He looked up. "What?"

"They come from another world," said Acacia unhelpfully. "They screw with everyone like that, don't worry. And I'm going to kill her painfully, so don't worry about that, either."

"You... you will? You can?" Boromir was trying to look anything but happy about this, and failing miserably.

"Absolutely," said Acacia, grinning broadly. The rather malicious expression was markedly out of place on her elven face.

"What a shame." Boromir let her wipe the blood from his face. "But... would Elrond approve of such a thing?"

"Absolutely no reason at all why not," said Acacia mock-cheerfully.

Boromir looked confused, but much more cheerful. Suddenly, something struck him. "My lady, what is your name..?"

"Um," said Acacia, "it's.. Vananovien."

"Such a name. May I call you Vanna?"

Acacia blushed brightly, and shook her hair out from behind her pointy ears to hide this fact. "Um. Yes.." Then she thought of Wheel of Fortune, and tried not to laugh.

Boromir looked up at her. "My lady... is something wrong?"

"Vanna" was seized with a sudden fit of coughing. "Um- no- I'm.. perfectly fine.."

Boromir smiled at her. "Thank you, Vanna."

"You're welcome," Acacia mumbled.

**

"So you see, violence is the symptom of an unhealthy mind," said Socko the sock puppet.

"Speaking of violence, let's talk about the .2 strain of Gondor's national cheese," said Milly the sock puppet.

"You see, once a cheesemaker had five substrains of Gondor Blue Vein. So he called them all one cheese. But then he discovered **another strain** of Gondor Blue Vein, Oh, hello Acacia, is something wrong with your face? And so he said, Oh, NO! I have discovered another .3 piece of cheese! But then his friend, a mathematician, said, "No, silly, that's .2 of a strain of cheese..."

Acacia's eyes flickered from Jay to Alex, noting with a fair amount of satisfaction the Sue's expression of stunned bewilderment. _Torture. Fun._

Alex's eyes swiveled from one elf to another. Then she turned and ran away.

"Wait! We have pamphlets!" said Millie the sock puppet.

"I don't even want to **know** why you brought sock puppets with you on a mission," said Acacia. She sat down on a handy flat rock and sighed. "PTerry got it exactly right."

"Improvised them. And I know he did, but what is he right about this time?"

Acacia sighed again. "'Ninety percent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.'" She pulled out her book again, clearly hoping not to be asked more questions. She should be so lucky.

"Acacia, he's a fictional characteh!"

"So?"

"It's not healthy to be in love with fictional charactehs."

"Is it healthy to bring up cheese in a discussion of why violence is bad?"

"Theh's neveh been a Stah Trek episode about THAT." Jay arched one fine eyebrow.

"Yes, that's because it's so bizarre that it never even occurred to them."

"Theh HAVE been episodes about how bad it is to be in love with fictional charactehs..."

"They are talking through their hats," said Acacia sourly.

"I beg your pahdon..?"

"I don't care what they think. Anyway, TV show episodes are more about what makes a good story than anything else."

Jay sighed, and shook her head. "Sue's heading out to Isengahd today... then she forgets she went, and does it again. When shall we hit her?"

"I'd like to say immediately, but right now all we have as charges are various OOCnesses and distorting time. Anyway, that orc's either a Marty Sam or getting really damn close. We ought to wait for him."

Jay blinked. "DAMN!"

"What?"

"That little dragon thing. It's still running loose!"

Acacia scanned the words. "And it doesn’t appear for the rest of the book. It was just there for impact. Shall we kill it, then?"

"We have to. That's paht of the Duty."

"Okay. Any idea where it is?"

"Not a clue."

Acacia considered. "It was last seen scuttling away at the Council, after Gandalf recited that inscription.."

"What do you suppose it eats?"

"I have no idea."

"Think a canopeneh would work?"

"Do you **have** a canopener?

"Um. I think I left it behind. Twinkie?"

"Worth a try."

Jay solemnly unwrapped the dubious edible. "Have you heahd the theory that lembas is actually Twinkies...?"

"Yes. And I think it's stupid. It was specifically said that lembas tastes **good**."

Jay laughed. "The fatal hole in theih logic." They walked out into the woods around Rivendell, and Jay tossed the Twinkie into a clearing. It bounced.

They waited there for awhile. Acacia picked up several small stones and used them to brain several small forest creatures who had started to eat the Twinkie.

"If the Twinkie doesn't attract it, maybe the brained animals will," Jay said quietly, trying not to fall asleep.

"Could very well be."

"Mmm." Jay leaned against a tree and closed her eyes.

Acacia, not quite as tired, was watchful a bit longer, and saw Leviathan show up. Why it was named Leviathan she really didn't see. It was not all that big.

She nudged Jay. "Mm." Jay shook her head, and shrugged. Acacia sighed and headed toward the creature, which didn't back away. There was one advantage of being an elf, then, they were inoffensive to animals.

She looked it all over to see if there was anywhere the scales didn't cover. Having found a score on the belly where the scales had separated as the dragon grew bigger, she pulled a dagger from her gear and calmly stabbed the thing.

Jay rolled her eyes and started to stagger back to Rivendell, and some spare bed.

Acacia smiled happily, stowed the dead dragon in a hollow beneath some tree-roots to be got rid of later, and followed Jay.

**

The first thing that struck Acacia when she awoke the next day was an intense feeling of confusion and disorientation. She fished out her new Canon Analysis Device (she'd run into Makes-Things at the cafe) and tried to work out what the hell was going on. "Oh, gods. She's mucking with time. I hate when they do that."

Jay, from a nest of a blankets on the floor, moaned. "My head hurts."

"Temporal/Spatial Distortion. Hope you get used to it soon, it's not over for five more days."

"I know..." Jay said muzzily. "Dealt wi' it befoh... still huhts..."

Acacia sighed. "We could always portal to Isengard-five-days-later," she offered.

"I've been thinking about tha'. I think ouh best bet is to hit them in Mihkwood...."

"Okay. But I kind of want to see her on Orthanc, actually, it could be fun watching her suffer. And we'll have access to her food source before her Marty Sam brings it to her. Which means, obviously, that we can poison her."

"Aren't we getting them in Mihkwood?"

"Non-fatally."

"You and poisons. Good old fashioned violence has always worked for ME..."

"I like them. They're fun."

Jay sighed. "Let's staht walking towards Mihkwood... if we don't make it on time, we can pohtal at the last second."

"Orthanc, remember," Acacia said.

"Then we walk towahds Isengahd."

Acacia nodded, and they set out.

Jay sighed and smiled. There was only so far they could go in five days, but hey....

**

"Here's to the nights we felt alive, here's to the tears you knew you'd cry- how far've we come, Jay?"

"Not fah. It's weeks away by walking." She sighed and hit the portal. "Let's bounce."

"Fine by me," said Acacia, stepping through. Owing to some plot hole or other, or the time the portal had been set to, they arrived just in time to watch Alex arrive on her horse, whose name did **not** mean "wind" in Latin, at least as far as Acacia knew, although she was only a first-year Latin student so she could be wrong. But it ended in O. Acacia was fairly sure that Latin nouns did not end in O.

"Sounds like she's a student in "authentic gibb'rish," Jay mused.

"Could very well be," said Acacia sourly. "It'll be fun to watch Saruman get her. 'Banging on the doors of Isengard..' tres Freudian, although I'm sure our sweet innocent Sue author wasn't thinking in those terms.."

"What an idiot." Jay sighed. "I applaud Saruman foh all his actions in this wise.."

The door was answered by an orc.

"Hello, I am here to see Mr. Saruman of Many Colors. Is he at home?"

Acacia sniggered audibly. Alex looked around suspiciously, but saw no one, and followed the orc inside. "Idiot."

Jay snickered. "I propose we go knock at the door in about ten minutes and say "Hello, we are here to make your prisoner miserable."

Acacia glanced at the Words a moment. "Try an hour. I thought Mary Sues were supposed to be intelligent. She goes up to Isengard to ask why she has a magic sword? Doesn't she know never to look a gift horse in the mouth?"

"She are stupid? Yes yes!"

"Anyway. We have an hour, if you really want to knock on the doors and say that."

"Do you mind? It might be well recieved."

"Go ahead."

Jay dropped down next to the black stone wall, and leaned back. "Well. An 'our. With what shall we fill it?"

Acacia shrugged. "You still got the cards?"

**

"Why did I let you talk me into playing pokeh again?" Jay asked, sourfaced.

"Search me," said Acacia, smiling.

Jay moved over and made to start patting Acacia down.

"Jay, I'm surprised at you. Why would I bother to cheat? I always win anyway."

"You said 'Seahch you,'" Jay reminded her, frisking her.

Had this been an anime continuum, Acacia would have sweatdropped. She was forced to settle for putting a hand to her forehead and sighing. "By the way, it's been an hour."

"Has it?" Jay had no time sense. She gathered up the cards, stowed them carefully out of sight, and headed towards the front door.

Acacia followed, leaving the bow behind so as not to appear threatening, but keeping her dagger in a boot so as to **be** threatening.

Jay knocked primly at the door. An orc opened it cautiously.

"Hello! We're here to make your prisoneh miserable! May we come in?"

The orc looked frightened. This wasn't its job. It wasn't supposed to have to deal with people like this....

"Waitaminute," it muttered, and scurried inside.

Time passed. The doors swung open. Saruman stepped out, looked around, and blinked.

"You have business here?"

"We want to make your prisoner miserable," Acacia offered.

"It's not our job, our job's to kill her, but we can wait."

"We **have** to wait, for the other person we need to kill, actually," said Acacia.

Jay nodded emphatically. "But in the meantime, may we?"

Saruman looked.. dazed. Jay and Acacia tended to have that effect on people, in person and in conjunction.

He sighed, and glared at them. "I find myself not trusting you two."

Jay pouted. "You should."

"Very few people do," Acacia remarked.

"Why should I let you intrude upon my domain? The prisoner suffers discomfort as it is."

"Not enough." There was deadly sincerity in Jay's voice.

"I have poison," Acacia said helpfully.

"But not fatal, we promise," Jay supplied.

"Well, not always," said Acacia. "And not soon, even when it is. But it hurts.."

"She deserves it," Jay said, mood swinging back to point due "grim".

"Young women. Stop."

"Why?" said the assassins simultaneously.

"Leave, now." Saruman looked almost kindly, exerting his famous canonical charm. "The prisoner will be dealt with."

Jay shrugged sadly. "Oky." She stepped out of his line of sight... and then back. He looked right through her.

Acacia grinned, and ducked behind Jay. When she stood back up to her full height, she was again quite unnoticeable.

Saruman raised an eyebrow and stared into the apparently open space in front of him. Then he gave up and walked inside.

Jay and Acacia ducked in after him, just before the door closed.

**

"This is really quite fun," said Acacia, making herself comfortable in one of Orthanc's many rooms- one quite high up and near the roof, so she could hear the Mary Sue complain. "We should do this more often."

"Theraputic, I'll say." Jay smiled. "Why, I was mis'rable just a bit ago. Now I'm happy. It should be on our 'ealth plan..."

"All right," came the Sue's voice drifting down. "One of us has gotta blink soon. My eyes are getting watery here! BLINK, YOU STUPID EYE, BLINK!"

"What part of 'lidless' did she not understand?"

Jay cackled. "She tortures herself. It's great."

Acacia leaned back. "It'll take till tomorrow for the Marty-Sam-orc to turn up. What do we do till then?

"Not cards," Jay said.

"What, then?"

Jay pursed her lips and frowned. "Drop pennies off the top and see if they leave craters?"

"Alex is on the top."

"Oh, yeah..." Jay concentrated. "Drop pennies out of top floor windows and see if they leave craters?"

"Sure."

**

There was a distant "BONK".

"Ooops... sorry, Mr. Orc, wasn't aiming for you..." Even if Jay hadn't been many floors up from the stunned orc, her apology probably wouldn't been heard anyway.

Acacia giggled, and dropped a penny of her own. It hit the black stone of the tower, and completely failed to leave any mark at all.

"Silly." Jay made another mini-crater in the ground with a nickel. Then she took out her notebook and put in a tally... couldn't leave real-world money lying around, after all.

Acacia sighed. It had started out fun, but she was not one to be easily amused for long by coin dropping.

Of course, now there was the less amusing task of coin gathering to be done.

Orthanc was a **tall** tower. By the time they had both trekked down the stairs, and found all the coins (most of them slightly melted by air friction and misshapen due to high-speed impacts), and gotten back upstairs, and found the room they'd commandeered, it was already nightfall.

**

"WAKE UP, ACACIA! IT'S MORNING!"

"Dammit, Jay," mumbled Acacia, "don't yell so **loud**! Alex'll hear!"

"That's why I cupped my hands around your eah." Jay looked proud. "She will not heah."

"And neither will I, I'm beginning to worry," said Acacia.

"Now, whehe do we need to go?"

"We can hear the top fairly well here. We can listen to the Marty-Sam-orc meet our dear Sue."

"Do we HAVE to?"

"Why don't you want to?"

"She does? I can't say I noticed."

"Lucky bint." Apparently, Jay's British accent was extending to her slang.

Acacia shrugged. "So, what do **you** want to do?"

"Hide and seek? Dye Saruman's clothes pink? Shoht sheet his bed?"

"I think pink clothes would be a slight breach of canon, don't you? Anyway we're here to make **her** miserable."

"That doesn't rule out hide and seek... or we could go and explohe the pits outside.."

"Exploring sounds good.."

"Awwright. Lessgo."

**

*click* [FLASH]........... *click* [FLASH]

The effects of a flash camera on the average goblin's pupils are quite interesting to see.

"Jay, you're going to give these poor people neuroses."

Jay glared at Acacia, and turned down the flash. "When these pictures develop badly, I'm going to blame you..."

"And I care?"

"Bah."

Even without the prospect of good pictures, Jay was enjoying herself immensely.

Acacia wasn't having too bad a time either, despite the fact that the next day Alex would be deliberately making herself as annoying as humanly possible.

"Do you want to hang around down here for the rest of the day, or rest up in Orthanc?" Jay asked.

Acacia shrugged. "I'm getting hungry, actually."

"Where can we get food?"

"Back in Orthanc, obviously." Acacia looked at the Words for a moment, and giggled. "In about three days, Alex demonstrates her amazing ability to tie-dye chainmail. I'd like to see that.."

"I like Tie-dye. How does she do it?"

"With berries. Don't ask me how she makes it stay on the metal."

"Bah. Plot hole. Still..." Jay looked hopeful. "Souvenirs?"

"Sure, why not. And the functional skateboard she somehow sculpted out of stale bread."

"I can't skateboard. Can you?"

When Acacia didn't answer, Jay sighed and started to look through the words. " **Lady Mother**. Do you know how long she hangs around?"

"No."

"Six. Months." Jay scowled. "Six months on Orthanc. I feel some serious time skipping is called for..."

"Yes. Six months of her being as annoying as she possibly can. I mean, I **like** it here, but.."

"But." Jay sighed. "I doubt that Upstaihs would approve of us bouncing around here for six months... let's jump to six months latah..."

"Absolutely. You've got the portal thingy.."

Jay dug in her pack, pulled out an eggroll and the Activator, and clicked it.

The portal opened to just in time to hear Alex taunting Saruman from the top of Orthanc. They stepped through quickly, because hearing it through a portal was vaguely discomfiting.

"Mfo..." Jay said, mouth full of eggroll. "Fix momfs 'ata? Whe'?"

"Right here."

"Mkay. Eggwo'?"

"No thanks." She watched, rather amused, as the Mary Sue jumped off the top of Orthanc to be blown by a fortuitous breeze so that Gimli could break her fall.

"She suhvives falls real well," Jay commented. "Maybe she's made'f rubbeh."

Charlie jumped off as well, to be caught by Alex despite the fact that anyone jumping off a tower that tall was likely to attain terminal velocity in a very literal sense.

Jay finished her first eggroll, and went spelunking for another. "Messing wi' gravity. Anotheh chahge for the list."

"Quite. Oh, look, at least Legolas is threatening him.." she watched the scene unfold. "Okay, wouldn't any sane elf assume that someone just out of an enemy stronghold threatening them with death if they hurt an orc had gone bad?"

"Ratheh."

"Another character disruption," Acacia sighed. "Look, she's.. **why** is she going back into Orthanc? Doesn't she realize that's a really stupid thing to do?"

"I thought we'd established she's bahmy already..."

"I always thought they were supposed to be unrealistically bright," muttered Acacia.

"Told you I thought this one was a misfiled comedy." Jay muttered.

"I'm starting to see your point. Oooh, fun, he's tossing her out the window. What did she expect?"

"Yay, Saruman!" Jay applauded and flashed a thumbs up towards the tower. She smiled. "I like Saruman. He's neat. What about you, Acacia..?"

Acacia just shrugged; she seemed to be enjoying watching the confrontation more than conversing with her partner. "Oh, good grief. How likely is it that he comes up with a special language of his own- for gods **know** what reason- and it turns out identical to Japanese despite the fact that no other Middle-Earth languages seem to bear the slightest resemblance?"

"Messing with Saruman's character! Another charge! Annoying Saruman.... Yet another charge!" Jay waved her hand in righteous irritation.

"For six months," Acacia noted. "And for the Marty Sam: Getting Saruman drunk. How likely is that?"

"How do you get these people drunk?" Jay wondered. "They drink wine on every occassion. They must have incredible tolerances."

"With amazing Marty-Sam-like powers?"

"Kill him."

"You want him? There's enough for one each. Or one for one of us and two for the other, if you count her pet dragon.."

"You enjoy it more, I'll grant you the dragon."

"Fun."

**

"Can I sing a song?" asked the Marty Sam Orc, a few hours later. "No," "Can I sing a song?" "No," "Can I sing a song?" "No," "Can I sing a song?" "Stop it already!" Acacia muttered. "And learn proper punctuation!"

"They annoy each otheh. How convenient."

Alex finally gave in, and Charlie started singing "If I Only Had A Brain." This sent Jay and Acacia into paroxysms of laughter. Quietly.

"If only!" gasped Acacia, through her giggles.

"She hit her head and is dreaming? That explains things..." Jay thought about that. "At least the head hitting bit."

Acacia cackled, Wicked-Witch-of-the-West-style. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little orc, too!"

Jay rolled her eyes and smiled. "How is that so appropriate? How is that so very, very appropriate..?"

Acacia was not paying much attention. She was too busy laughing hysterically and muttering random things about yellow brick roads.

Jay blinked at her. "PTerry was right."

"About what.. particular thing.. this time?"

"You can catch daftness, Hex."

Had this been an anime continuum, Acacia would have malleted Jay at this point. She made do with giving her a dirty look.

Jay could guess at her thoughts. "That's why I have knitting needles..."

"Very prudent of you. Now- oh gods, he's asking if he could ever get a girl. But of course we all know what he's really thinking of. Gods this is insipid.."

"Let's touh the forest for a while. And blow these bleedehs off..."

Acacia nodded. "And refrain from looking too closely at the words, too, I'm sure he'll be pining soppily."

"Right." Jay got out the polaroid. "Spider hunt?"

"Sure."

**

"Buggy!!! Heeeeeeere, buggy..." Jay waltzed into the forest. It was dark. It was gloomy. It was great....

Acacia rolled her eyes at her companion's choice of words, but was enjoying the forest just the same.

"Acacia, don't walk into that." Jay's eyes could adjust more quickly than her partner's, so she graciously decided to warn her friend of impending spiderweb.

Acacia squinted into the darkness. "Oh, **there** it is." She went into slightly-interesting-yet-utterly-useless-facts mode (most people who have had conversations with her will tell you that she does this on occasion.) "Did you know if you twisted spiderweb to about the thickness of a pencil, it could stop a 747 going full speed?"

"Leonahd of Quihm said something to that effect..."

"He said its strength in relation to its weight was better than the best steel wire. He didn't say how much so."

"Yeh. But he said it nonetheless." Jay wandered into the darkness, her polaroid out.

Acacia shrugged, and looked around. The darkening forest was intermittently brightened by Jay's flash, but this was so short it really did no good at all for someone who wanted to see properly.

Then, the flashes stopped. There was a tap on one shoulder. She turned. No one there. She turned the OTHER way. "What, Jay?" Something was pushed into her hand... Jay's flashlight. It actually turned on, this time.

"Hold this." Jay ducked back into the darkness.

Acacia blinked. "Do you want me to keep it on?"

"Yes," said the darkness in a British accent.

Acacia nodded, and shone the flashlight off in a completely random direction.

Large moths and bats began to congregate. There was the mad flashing of a camera, a string of muted cursing as Jay tried to change the film in the dark, and then the blinding flashes started up again.

"Jay? How long are you going to be taking pictures? It's nighttime already. I want to sleep."

"Wimp." Jay reappeared, anyway, with one last retina-burning flash for all the idiot night creatures still hanging around.

Acacia wished once again for a mallet, but simply handed Jay's flashlight back. "Do we just make camp here? It's not as if anything's likely to attack **us**."

"If you'd like. Or we could cast off in a last minute futile quest to find the castle of the elves."

"Camping out here sounds good," said Acacia, and began to unpack.

**

Jay woke before her partner. She always did. Today, she was feeling a little hoarse, and not at all like yelling... so she carefully slipped her headphones over Acacia's ears, and turned on a random music selection full blast.

Acacia sat bolt upright and yelled something Jay didn't catch, but which sounded rude. She snatched the headphones off and glared at Jay.

"Upstairs won't like you contributing to the insanity problem," she said darkly. "And people wonder why I'm always in such a bad mood.."

"You're in a bad mood because you have anxiety problems. I'm trying to HELP." Jay was apparently abandoning the role of insane Bursar long enough to play helpful Archchancellor.

"By deafening me?!?!" Acacia paused. Something about the punctuation of that last sentence had not seemed quite right.

"You're using far too many exclamation points for someone who's supposed to be borderline sane," Jay remarked.

"If I am, it's your fault," said Acacia sourly.

"Bah." Jay raised her eyebrows. "Now. Where to?"

"Either go visit the twits, or portal to Thranduil's place as it is just before they get captured," Acacia mused.

"Hmm. Thranduil's dramatic stronghold in the most gorgeous woods on Middle-Earth. A ditz and a pining orc. Dramatic stronghold. Pining orc. GEE..."

"You've got the portaller.."

And so she did. There was a click, and lo, they were gone.

**

"I like this place," Acacia decided.

"Can we retire here?" Jay snapped off a picture lazily.

"When we retire, I'm spending it as far away from you as possible," Acacia said. "And Upstairs likely would frown on us quitting ever, they don't have enough people as it is. But the sunflower said we could have vacations if we got recruits, so.."

"We have recruits." Jay sighed and relaxed.

"Maybe we can ask **when** we get time off, when we get back," Acacia said. "What's that noise.."

Quite a few elves came in the door, preceded by one katana-wielding girl and one orc at bow-point.

"There goes the neighborhood..." Jay snuggled back into the convenient depression in the wall, and watched King Thranduil question the two non-canons.

"Please, forgive him. He’s had a hard life what with becoming an Orc and all. But I’ve trained him, your majesty."

Acacia tried very hard not to laugh, but was unable to suppress a snigger. "Oh, yes, the orc is house-trained now. And he does tricks."

"Becoming an orc? I thought you were BORN."

"We've established that that's been mucked with already, remember? So.. oh gods, he's letting an **orc** run around **loose** in the middle of his own kingdom. One more bit of OOCness to add to the list.."

"He's also being a major ass. No, wait, that's IN character." Jay still didn't look happy about it. Her soft spot for older men of the sylvan persuasion was kicking in.

Acacia shrugged, and then snorted derisively as the girl asked the elf-king how many licks it took to get to the tootise roll center of a tootise pop.

"A tootise pop...?" Jay blinked. Bizarre...

"Ah. So **now** they get dragged off to prison. Because they mentioned confectionery. And they leave her the sword. Despite the fact the prison is made of wood and mud."

"Out of Characteh," Jay intoned grimly. "Nasties..."

"So," said Acacia, "I think they've screwed over the canon sufficiently now. Let's go get them." She looked at the words for a moment. "But let's wait until **after** the orc carves a harmonica.. out of a random bit of wood.. with a long sword. Because I'd like to **see** that."

"Whee!"

They set off toward the prison.

**

Alex was screaming the Song that Never Ends at the top of her lungs through the prison bars (somehow set in wood and mud) when the Assasins came along. She finally subsided, and sat down. Suddenly, a dark and sinister voice drifted out of the gloom...

" _Mr. Socko doesn't like people walking out on his lectures._ "

"You're that elf from Rivendell, aren't you?" Alex demanded. "The one who kept talking about cheese!"

" _I am not. I am... MR. SOCKO!!_ " Two sets of glowing bobble eyes regarded her out of the gloom.

"And I am Millie," said the second sock.

"Jay, be mature," said Acacia, stepping out of the darkness.

"Look, I haven't said a wohd," Jay said. "If you have problems with constables Millie and Socko, take it up with Upstairs."

"You ARE the cheese elf from Rivendell!"

Jay grinned. "In my native language, luv, DUH."

"Enough messing about," said Acacia imperiously. "Alex, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with.. a long list of offenses.. which include disrupting the canon by altering geography and time, stratching the laws of probability to breaking point, interfering with the characters of Boromir, Saruman, Thranduil, Elrond, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gandalf, Gimli.. hell, practically everyone you met.. having a Cute Animal Friend, annoying Saruman, breaking Boromir's nose and making him look like an idiot, pissing us off, being a flaming twit, Being Obstructive When it's Been a Long Day and I've Had Enough, and in fact most of the offenses the Protectors of the Plot Continuum officially recognize, as well as many they don't. I'll let Jay here charge your orcish friend."

"Marty Sam, alias Chahlie: you are hereby chahged with misrepresenting the entihe race of orcs, bending the laws of biochemistry and getting Saruman drunk, ignoring the laws of gravity by falling of a big-arsed tower and not dying, and for being able to manifest a hahmonica. You both get points back for not joining the Fellowship or shacking up with canon charactehs, but I'm afraid you both still have to die."

Acacia didn't wait for Alex to have her last words, but merely shot her. In the shoulder. She looked surprised for a moment at not having been killed outright, then fell over, paralyzed.

Acacia looked vaguely apologetically at Jay. "I had to think of **some** way to get her to the volcano without her going for her sword," she said, confiscating said sword from Charlie.

"You could have LEFT IT SOMEWHERE, f00!" Jay was exasperated enough to be able to pronounce a letter and two zeroes in a British accent.

Acacia shrugged. "Anyway, this way she won't be trying to escape." She picked up the Sue and slung her over her shoulder. "Portal us to the mountain, will you?"

Jay did. This was somewhat complicated by the biting, kicking, screaming orc she was trying to deal with.

"Oooh. Warm," were the first words out of Acacia's mouth when she stepped through the portal. She had the truly catlike tendency to be comfortably warm when most normal people would be unpleasantly hot.

Jay, for her part, gasped. She overheated naturally. She could strip to unders and beg for ice in the middle of a blizzard, if she'd been running for five minutes previously. Still, she'd deal with alot to take pictures of Mordor.

Acacia smiled, and slung Alex off her shoulder. "Bye, chippy," she said, smirking, and tossed her off the precipice. "Jay, do you want the sword?"

"In a.." Charlie elbowed her in the stomach, and she shoved him off the ledge. "Minute. Ah.... it does have that rathah nice inscription on it..."

Jay considered. "Not a huge fan of Japanese, but I like the verse."

"So, you do?"

"Yes, I do."

Jay held up the harmonica. "Can I keep this?"

Acacia shrugged. "Sure. I can't play them, anyway."

Jay had mastered only two instruments, trumpet and baritone, but she had the uncanny ability and pitch to pick out a tune on almost anything in five minutes. And she loved the sound of woodwinds.

"But I get the tie-dyed chainmail," said Acacia.

Jay said nothing.

"We forgot to get it, didn't we?"

"Sorry... I'll make you some, I promise. Give me some plyers and a few months, I can knit chainmail..."

Acacia shrugged. "No matter. Let's just go back, this has been one of our longest missions so far. Or, since we're here already, we could visit Minas Morgul like you've been wanting to do."

"You wanted to as well. Don't deny it."

"Would it do any good if I did?"

"Nope." Jay ran along the ragged edge of rock, along towards the tower. "Coming?"

"Yep."

**

"SHINY!" [click, click, click, click...] "I want to liiiive here..."

"You have strange taste," said Acacia, but without rancor because she was enjoying the odd glowing effect too.

"Meh. Speaks the woman in love with Boromir."

Acacia whapped Jay over the head.

Jay winced. "You are. Go ahead, deny it. Look me in the eyes and deny it."

"It's hardly a unique occurence, you know. He even has plot-impaired lustbunnies, remember Emma?"

"Yes. I remember Emma." Jay smiled. "I'm damn lucky, considering just how few people have a thing for Hugo Weaving..."

"Yes, yes, lucky you. And I'm going to send a message Upstairs specifically **asking** for a Sue who goes after Elrond, just for that."

"Bite me, partner." Jay looked around. "But the taste for elder British actors has served me well."

"We going back now?"

"Um. " Jay looked down. "Sure. I'm out of film."

"You've got the portally thing.."

Jay's mouth turned up at the edges, and she showed her teeth. "Remote activator. Say it with me. Re-mote... Act, i, vate-"

"Look, just take us back, okay?"

Jay did. Not happily, but she did.

Acacia smiled, set down her gear rather randomly, and sat back in her seat. "And hopefully the next Sue is less noxious."

"Less....noxious? Not since Children of the Earth."

"Ah, well," said Acacia.

There was a [bip.] Only then did Jay notice the note on the console.

_Stopped in to fix console volume. Complaints. Hit red button to acknowledge a hit or it will start going "BEEP" again. Nice not seeing you._

-M-T

Jay took this in. "Oh. A Sue." Her eyes got dinner plate wide.

"How bad?"

Jay edged away from the console. "She's got...interesting parentage."

Acacia dropped her book. "How interesting?"

Jay was already in the wrigglespace behind the console.

We'll spare you Acacia's reaction....For Now.

END

[Jay's A/N: Is it just me, or do these things get longer and longer...? J  & A used to just be... semi-observers that eventually killed the character. Now, they dominate the story. Is that a bad thing...? Is that a BAD THING?

::Jay:: No!

Who asked you? Anyway. Off that tangent. I am STILL convinced this was supposed to be a comedy. I can't believe that anyone would actually sincerely write something as bad as that. It borders on funny in places.... IT COULD BE A COMEDY. (Then again, I was convinced that half of Bush's speeches were Onion articles. Woe when I found I was wrong.)

To inject a point with a chisel and hammer, WE, the assasins, are certainly having fun. Are you, the reader, having fun? No, we actually want to know. (At any rate, I do.) We [I] could be convinced to shut up about myself for 10 minutes in the name of a good cause.

But obviously not now, because I've just filled 3 MSN IM text blocks with this A/N.

I'll stop now.

(PS: Thankyouforthereviewswelovethespinoffskeepwritingkeepreadingsorryauthorswhoscharacterswekill.)]

[Acacia's A/N: The scene in Rivendell with Boromir was Jay's idea, and she wrote just as much of it as I did. It's just as much her fault as mine. So there. I know not what to say that has gone unsaid before. I'd apologize to the writer, but this fic was beyond constructive crit or even flames, so apology would ring strangely hollow. Oh, yes, the MST. There is a MST of this horrible, horrible Sue, written by.. ~goes to look~ Oh, saggit, I'll put it in a review when I find it. But it was veryverygood. Thank you good reviewers, thank you all spinoffers, and readers-but-not-reviewers: Review.] 


	9. Laugh at the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Jay huddled under the desk. Acacia was going to have a fit....

"You haven't," said Acacia sourly, "told me who her parents are."

"No, I haven't," Jay's voice came out. 

Acacia sighed, and went to check the screen. "What the **hells**?!"

There was an ominous silence. Jay counted down quietly. _13\. 5. 2.5. 7. 8. 3... **1**_

Acacia slammed her fist down hard on the screen. (Fortunately it wasn't glass but plastic, and didn't break.)

"So. You've noticed..." Jay let her eyes peep out. "Want to be Dead Men this time? It'd be a nice change."

"What are you- oh, she goes to Erech. Fun."

Jay crawled out and started packing gear. Programming the disguises took a moment longer then usual... the Dead Men of Dunharrow were a thing that most Mary-Sues had never HEARD of, let alone dealt with.

Acacia snatched up her gear as though she had a personal grudge against it.

This happens with partners: there was, between the two, a balance of tension. Jay was at her giddiest when Acacia was calm, and Jay became remarkably quiet when her partner was excited, and vice versa. It has been speculated that this is the intentional device of the gods, because they think people driving each other insane is first class entertainment.

At any rate, Jay packed quietly and smoothly, and made herself very careful not to get within a few feet of her partner.

"Jay," said Acacia sourly, "why haven't you opened the portal yet?"

"Sorry," Jay said simply, fingers flashing out to tap at the console.

Acacia smiled grimly and stepped through. Jay leaped through after her-- and paused for a moment, to appreciate her handiwork. Out of deference to Acacia, her partner was a vague, nondescript, and sexless wraith-- unlike Jay herself, trying out a somewhat more clearly male shade.

The portal had opened behind the Mary Sue, which was fortunate because they were out in the open and there was no apparent place to hide. She backed off a ways, then sat down to watch her yell at Aragorn a bit.

"Hello?" snapped the Sue to a dazed Aragorn. "Did you hear me? I asked you if you want to fight!"

"I don’t even know you!" Aragorn snorted. "Why would I fight you?"

"My name is Alexis," retorted the girl. "Now, you know me, and I know you. Now, do you want to fight?"

Aragorn stared at her, speechless. "Fight?" he mouthed.

"My father was right!" she snitted. "Humans are weaklings! Its better to stick with elves or the Istari!"

"Okay," said Acacia quietly, " **when** did Gandalf express any **remotely** similar sentiments?"

Jay made a show of considering this. "Hmm. Ahh... never?" Instead of the exagerated british accent, she now had a deeper timbre. Acacia thought she recognized the voice.

"Rohans?" said Acacia. "Excuse me? **Rohans**? I mean, good grief, there's only one Rohan and it's a **place**. Get it **right**!"

"Protect the innocent, comma," muttered Jay.

The Sue was yelling at Aragorn because he had dared to presume that she was younger then he was...

"She's an immortal Istari, but she's got the maturity of a five year old. Bah." Jay scowled, the expression hard to read on her ghostly face.

"Well, I think for this one it's clear that the author did in fact read the backstory. And didn't understand a word of it."

"It's somehow worse when they've actually read the book and STILL write this sort of thing."

"Very."

"Alexis!" It was Gandalf's voice.

"Father!"

Jay lay down on the ground and shut her eyes.

Acacia followed suit, once Gandalf had declared enthusiastically that the two of them were to be travelling companions. Despite the fact that Alexis had been threatening to kill Aragorn scant moments earlier.

Jay's eyes were still shut. "I'm waiting for the earth to swallow me and put me out of my misery. You?"

"I'm waiting for the plot to be properly screwed up so we can put her out of our misery."

"Like it isn't already..." Jay shuddered. "Moonbeam...? Alexis Moonbeam...? It hurts."

"If she's an Istari, why the hell has she got a last name and not a color?"

"She's special." Jay rolled over and buried her face in the grass. "I mean, it wasn't like there wasn't anything left to choose from...he only took brown, white, and grey."

"Don't forget the blue ones. Or Manfred the Slightly Ecru," said Acacia, brightening slightly.

"Manfred the...?"

"What, have you never read the Very Secret Diaries?"

"Not in entirety, no."

Acacia grinned. "'Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.' And even better stuff."

"Muahaha." Jay's new voice made the laugh enjoyably sinister. She propped herself up on her elbows and watched as Aragorn (logically) objected to taking Alexis along... and was promptly shot down. In a brilliant show of Istari Maturity, Alexis stuck her tongue out at him.

"Spoiled brat," muttered Acacia.

"Yeah... And...." Jay blinked. "How does that work...? Do the Istari have children normally? If so, why does she say she was "placed" in this body?" Jay rolled over again, not wanting to look at anything.

"When have the Mary Sues ever needed **continuity**?"

"Mmf." Jay sighed. "Do we want to watch Aragorn and Gandalf argue tonight..? Or shall we go out among the army?"

Acacia considered. "I'd say watch the argument, but that might be too painful.."

"Yeah. Think so. Shall we mingle?"

"Looking like this?"

"It's not as if they'll see it. Of course, if you'd rather stay put, I've just got a new Voltaire disc..."

"Okay, let's move."

Jay put on her earphones, and let the gypsy fiddles begin. "I'll follow you," she told Acacia.

Acacia wandered fairly aimlessly; the place was nice, but nothing she hadn't seen before, and she was getting bored.

Jay noticed Acacia looking listless. That never boded well. "Do you think Moonbeam has a bedroll? We could put burrs or bugs in it..."

Acacia brightened. "We can check.."

"And since she due to crash the argument about, oh, NOW, she won't be occupying it."

Acacia grinned. "Sea urchins would work wonders, but I inconveniently did not think to bring any. Let's go find spiky things.."

**

"I think the one with embroidered flowers is hers."

"Probably so, no one **else** would do something like that to a poor defenseless bedroll."

"She probably embroidered it while singlehandedly fighting off orcs." Jay looked at Acacia. "Go ahead."

Acacia quickly scattered the various sharp prickly bits of plants they'd found in the bedroll, then arranged it as it had been before so the Sue wouldn't notice people had been messing with it.

"Now... let's sleep ourselves, so we're all bright tailed and bushy eyed for tomorrow."

"Bushy eyes.. How does that work?"

Jay was allready spreading her sleeping bag. "Dunknow."

Acacia shrugged, and spread out her own sleeping bag. On the opposite side from the Sue's.

"You know, watching what these poor saps sleep on makes me really greatful for Headquarters-issue gear," Jay remarked.

"Yes. Now shut up and let me get to sleep."

Jay obliged, drifting quickly off to sleep herself.

Acacia took slightly longer to get to sleep, and was awake to hear Alexis Moonbeam go to bed. Muffledly; she had her pillow over her head, to stop the Sue seeing what she actually **looked** like.

"Ow!" First burr. "What the...?" ther was the sound of frantic squirming, and little sounds of discomfort. Soothed, Acacia closed her eyes and slept.

**

They were both woken up a bit earlier than they'd have liked, by an ear-piercing scream.

"Mmf?" Jay looked around, saw nothing, and so turned her attention to the Words. "Acacia! Wake up, it's Pippin..."

Acacia sat up, turning her attention rather to Alexis than anything else. When there was (for no apparent reason) **another** scream, the Sue jumped from her bedroll and ran off, ostensibly To The Rescue of some sort. Acacia winced.

Jay was already on her feet. "Come on!"

Acacia got up, yawned, and followed the Sue.

They arrived just in time to see Alexis take the "plantir" from Pippen. She sat, holding it. "The hell? Even Gandalf wouldn't touch that thing..."

"Yes," Acacia whispered, "but she has Special Mary-Sue-Like Powers."

'You,' came a sepulchural voice from the stone. 'You are more powerful than the last fool. Who are you?'

'Its really none of your business!' It couldn't be heard, but Jay and Acacia could both read it, in all its grammatical incorrectness.

"This.. this is just painful. Jay? Let's leave. This is causing actual physical pain. Let's get out of here.."

Jay looked upset. Maternal vibes were practically radiating off of her ghostly body, and she'd like to keep an eye on Pippin, but seeing the pure unmitigated GOD-PLAYING of a girl who could brush off Sauron was (as Acacia had said) very painful.

"Well, if it's **this** point in canon, we won't be getting much sleep here tonight. I'm taking my sleeping bag off somewhere. You can come if you like."

Jay looked back at the hobbits for a minute, but had to grudgingly admit that no harm would come to them in the presence of a Mary Sue. "Onwards."

**

The next morning Jay, as always, woke up first. She had to look at the words again. That wasn't something you should have to confront this time of morning.

"Acy, come on, they're leaving. On horseback..."

"Blast," said Acacia indistinctly. "I don't wanna have to try and keep pace with horses. Do we portal?"

"Portal jump, so we can keep tabs on them... do you have your binoculars?" Jay didn't wait for an answer before she dug hers out. She examined the words quickly, looking for some indication of the path the riders would be taking. "Oh....... My......... Goddess." She cast around for a tree, didn't find one, and had to settle for banging her forehead on a convenient rock.

"What's wrong?"

"Read *bang* the words. *bang* Arrogant *bang* little God *bang* player..."

Acacia checked the words for a moment-

"' **Spawn of Shadowfax** '?!" she spluttered. "Good **grief**! Okay, one, Shadowfax was the **last one** , and if you look at the footnote, the author **knew that** and is doing it anyway, the arrogant bitch! And, two, **spawn**? **Fish** spawn. **Demons** spawn. Horses **foal**. Although I think the female foals are fillies, or something, unless I've got it wrong."

"Yep, it's a filly..." Jay shook her head. "Although mare is acceptable. Still. That's just not right... and what is "Quolful" exactly..?"

"Something the idiot thought sounded good." Acacia looked at the words again. "Oh, **gods**.. 'They thought she was precious most of the time, but there were moments when she thrust them into unabashed affectionate awe.' Dammit, this is bad. And Legolas is a coward now, if you hadn't noticed. I wish she'd hurry up and get to Erech, and not damn' well single-handedly kick ass on a Ringwraith.."

"Yeah. All the characters are out of whack.... I'm glad we missed her conversation with Theoden, THAT would have hurt." Jay's brow furrowed. "Do you realize she kills herself at the end? We have to get her before that, or her legacy will just **stay** with them."

Acacia checked the words at the very end. "Killed by a wraith, despite the fact that in a moment she doesn't even break a sweat confronting one. I hate the ones that die, all the canons stand around saying alack, we did not appreciate her properly.."

"And she has Last Words. Bah. We won't let her get away with last words, will we?"

"No. No last words. Or last kiss, last cigarette- pipe, I suppose it would be, in Middle-Earth- or any other form of last request."

"What do we do with **this** one? If we threw her off Mount Doom she'd probably fly..."

"Stick her so full of arrows she closely resembles a feathered sea urchin, cut her head off, and set fire to her? I'd like to see her survive **that**."

"Hmm. Old fashioned funeral pyre, that'd be nice..." Jay cocked or head. "Or we could cut off her head, stake her through the heart, and put a peice of communion wafer in her mouth... no, scratch that, where would we find the wafer?"

"That's for vampires, anyway," said Acacia. "And Alexis is too **sweetness and light** to be undead."

"Bah. Humbug. We could say "I don't believe in Mary Sues," and maybe she'd die..."

"'I don't believe in Mary Sues,'" said Acacia experimentally. "Nope, didn't work."

"Somebody probably clapped." Jay considered this. "We could tie her, knock her senseless, and throw her off of Orthanc, thereby demonstrating to all Mary Sues what REALLY happens when you fall off a big-bloody-tower..." Of all the laws that Sues could break, Jay was most offended when they broke the laws of phsyics: their last mission had left scars.

"That sounds appealing, but do you really think we'd be able to tie our goddess-player up?"

"Knock her senseless first..?"

"Sounds good. Um.. if we're doing this in the Paths of the Dead.."

"I can distract her, you can knock her out. Any other problems?"

"There'll be a lot of canons there to protect her.."

"Yes, but she's the curious "Do It On My Own" type. You think she'd let anyone follow her if she went off exploring?"

Acacia shrugged. "Or maybe we get her when the Dead Men say she has to leave for being an 'accursed half breed'.. then we'll only have Elladan and Elrohir to contend with."

"I'd still rather make her wander off the path and catch her alone... two is too many. Besides, I wouldn't want to hurt either of them by accident."

"It's dark, and they can't see us."

"I've got half a premonition that they've got pretty good night vision."

"Even for us? You **know** canonicals can't see us.."

"You know they can see us if, say, the Sue points us out."

"Yes, but she'll probably just come after us herself, see."

"Yes, which was my point..." Jay blinked. "Bah. Circular arguments. Let's just go and see what happens."

"Fine by me."

**

The partners waited quietly inside the mouth of the cavern, listening to the approaching riders.

"The horses will not enter the cave," came a voice from outside the cave.

"Not that I blame them," Gimli's voice responded.

"You're not scared, are you?" Alexis taunted. Jay and Acacia nodded to eachother. Sues NEVER LIKED GIMLI.

"Yes I am. Can't you feel the evil?" Jay snickered quietly.

Alexis stuck her hand into the cave- and withdrew it with a scream. Aragorn and Elladan **both** turned to her with a simultaneous cry of "Alexis!" Acacia looked pained.

"What’s wrong with you?"

"Something inside there does not want me to enter that cave," Alexis whimpered.

"Yes. Us," Acacia murmured sourly.

"Muahaha. Feel our aura of evil. " Jay smiled and leaned back, folding her long legs to her body. "Come ON, get on with it..."

Aragorn told Alexis that if this Generically Evil Presence frightened her that much, she shouldn't come in. Alexis was mortally offended at this show of concern for her welfare, and when she started a Dramatic Rant about how "I can stand up to the power!"..

both assassins felt the strange, faintly sickening sensation of time out of joint.

"The horses will not enter the cave," came a voice from outside the cave.

"Not that I blame them," Gimli's voice responded.

"You're not scared, are you?" Alexis taunted.

"Didn't this just happen?" Jay demanded.

"Starting a temporal loop. Another charge."

"We have to listen to this TWICE???"

"Apparently so."

"Glah." Jay got out her CD player. "Would you rather listen to Voltaire, or that? They talk for a bout five minutes."

"I don't think-" Acacia began, and then realized that they'd reached the point when the loop had begun.

The Sue interrupted her own rant with a "What the heck are you staring at?" Aragorn told her she was beautiful when she was angry. Acacia looked utterly revolted.

Jay clamped the headphones tighter, and sang quietly "Pleeeease, kill that man upstairs/ if you ever loved me, you'll do this one thing, won't you, sweetheart.."

After a romantically prolonged kiss, elven and dwarvish laughter was heard, but then Alexis cried out "Elladan1"

Acacia got out some earplugs. "So you sailed away.. into a grey sky morning.."

"Elladan1," Jay mused to the empty cave. "Sounds like a Tolkien Groupy Band..."

Acacia, with her earplugs in, did not hear this. "Nothing's quite the same now.. I just say your name now.."

Jay kicked her and pointed at the entrance. The Grey Company was coming in.

Acacia hurriedly shut up, removed her earplugs, and withdrew further into the shadows.

"How much longer?" Jay whispered.

Acacia checked the words. "It's unclear.. it only says it 'seemed forever'.. do we follow them?"

"Yeah, the Dead will join them soon, and we can fall in. Not that she hasn't already broken canon by playing tonsil-hockey with Aragorn. Do these people know the meaning of the word 'engaged'?"

"Apparently not."

Jay was silent for a minute, trailing the party, just behind Gimli. When she found something handy to duck behind, she quickly produced her polaroid and snapped a picture of Elladan and Elrohir.

Alexis looked around wildly for the source of the flash. "Did you see that?" she demanded of her companions.

The general consensus was "Did we see what?"

Alexis looked confused and upset and angry, though those last two seemed to be her ground state of being, but went onward.

"Want another picture of the El- kids?" Jay asked. "I like making her think she's going insane."

"Sure."

[click] *FLASH*

"SURELY you saw that?"

"She sees things that are not there. A wonderful choice of travelling companion, Aragorn," Gimli grumbled.

The ghostly army was beginning to coalesce behind the party. Jay and Acacia just fell in line.

Acacia read slightly ahead.. "Okay, I shall have to notify whoever trains the Minibalrogs of 'Isiludur'. I mean, good grief."

"Oh.... 'Every name spelled wrong in _Rings_ / A Minibalrog gets its 'wings'?'" Jay grinned. "The crazy things that popped up at FanFic University Middle-Earth..."

"The very same."

"Muahah. Remember Celebrain?"

"Fondly."

"Think we could get a pet Minibalrog...?" Acacia glared. Jay was cowed. There was a sudden stop, and Jay grabbed her partner to keep her from plowing into the ghostly soldier in front of her.

The ghost king pointed at Elladan, Elrohir, and Alexis. "She must go. As must they."

"Why?" Aragorn asked.

"Half-breeds. Accursed half breeds," the spirits began to chant. Alexis looked at Jay and Acacia, the only two not chanting.

"Rhubarb, rhubarb," Jay started to chant, elbowing her partner.

Acacia shrugged, and joined in.

Aragorn demanded to know why Alexis was a half-breed. Alexis paused, but pulled back her hair to reveal her pointy ears. "Galadriel is my mother."

"Rhubarb, rhubarb," Jay muttered vehemently, trying not to think about it. "Don't think about Pink Elephants..."

"What do off-colored pachyderms have to do with it?"

"Just don't think about them." It was an old trick, and rather tired, but everyone knows trying not to think about something is the best way to erase all else from your mind.

Acacia watched as Alexis mounted her **horse** \- "How the hell did she get her horse down here?!"- and headed off with Elladan and Elrohir. Jay and Acacia broke off, and followed quietly.

"You get out of the way, I've got a way to distract her..." Jay didn't wait for a response, but moved to an easily visible position.

"What.... Elladan, look! A ghostly soldier has followed us!"

Elrond's other son squinted, and then blinked. "Yes, I see him."

The shade brandished his sword, and pointed it nonthreateningly (no mean feat) at Alexis.

"I think he wants me to follow him." The wraith turned away, and began to sing in a sepulchural voice. "I must find out-- stay here." The two males argued, especially Elladan, but were shot down quickly.

Alexis followed the singing through several tunnels, losing sight of the soldier once or twice-- but she finally caught up to him, where he was sitting on a rock. Knitting.

"What do you want?" the girl demanded.

The shade kept singing. This close, she could make out the words. They were somewhat less then deep and meaningful.

"There's no fear, there's no shame, there's no pulse, so is it so strange that only deeeeeeeeead giiiiirls like me, can't you see-"

Alexis **stared**.

Suddenly a sword hilt slammed into the back of her head, and she fell down. Acacia sheathed the pale sword that had come with the disguise, and stepped forward to pick her up by the arms.

Jay opened a portal to the top of Orthanc, and helped Acacia get Alexis through.

The wind whipped through Jay's unruly hair (and Acacia's somewhat more docile coif), and the chill of it made the Mary Sue moan and flutter her eyes. Jay quickly tied her round and about with a coil of rope.

Acacia brought Alexis back to full alertness by the simple expedient of kicking her in the ribs and shouting.

"Good morning," Jay said pleasantly.

"What do you want with me?" Alexis (predictably) demanded.

"To toss you off this tower," said Acacia sourly.

"Don't mind her... although she's being quite honest. But first, I'm afraid we've got some complaints about you..." Jay smiled, pulled out the notebook in which she jotted down charges, and began to read.

"Alexis.... **Moonbeam..** " Jay broke down snickering, and had to take a minute to reclaim her composure. "You are hereby charged with: Wanton cruelty to the common comma, causing an unnatural romance, to whit, Gandalf and Galadriel..... Interfering with a canon relationship, to whit, one engagement between Aragorn son of Arathorn and Arwen Evenstar..... Significantly reducing the power of Sauron to impress people, ruining the impressiveness of Shadowfax by giving him a 'spawn,'" Jay took a breath, "Knocking EVERYONE so far out of character that they can't touch canon with a long pole, god-playing, instating a Temporal Loop, and being a Mary Sue."

"And mucking with group names," Acacia added. "The Rohirrim are **not** Rohans! Canadians are not Canadas, Orcs are not Mordors or Isengards or anything else like that, hobbits are not Shires, and Rohirrim are not Rohans! Can you get that through your thick skull?"

"Stop it!" Alexis wailed.

"There, there, don't look so glum, you're going to participate in a very important study on gravity with us!"

"What..?"

"Sure. Do objects fall at the same speed regardless of whether they're god-playing Mary Sues?" Acacia said, grinning evilly.

"After all, our LAST Mary Sue jumped off of Orthanc and survived, hurting neither herself nor the dwarf she landed on." Jay stood Alexis up, and escorted her to the edge of the tower. Alexis started thrashing about and cursing virulently.

"My. Such language," said Acacia with a smirk.

"All right, Acacia, time for documentation. My camera's in my pack.."

Acacia fetched the Polaroid, and pointed it down over the high drop. "What shall we use as the control?"

"Hmm. What do we have.....?" Jay cocked her head. "I could run and get something."

Acacia took the sword back out. "Or we could use this. And who knows, maybe it'll land on her, or she'll land on it, or something."

"Ready, Alexis?"

The reply was not printable.

"Ready, Acacia?"

"Absolutely." Acacia held the camera to her eye with one hand and held the sword unpleasantly close to Alexis with the other. "One.. two.. three.. **drop**!"

"Why, they're falling at the same rate! Galileo was right!"

"But I was wrong," said Acacia mock-morosely. "I thought they'd fall at different rates because one was a Mary Sue and the other wasn't.."

"I'm sorry. But there's a wonderful scientific dissertation to be written, and if you'll look, you'll see that one made a rather larger splash then the other..."

"Let's go down and see."

**

The sword had acquired an interesting twisted shape from its long fall, and Acacia picked it up for a souvenir.

Alexis was definitely dead. No one spread that thinly should be alive.

Jay and Acacia nodded to each other... a job well done.

"The Ent army is still hanging around, yes? Want to go see them..?"

"But what about the horse..?"

Jay didn't seemed to have heard her. "Do you know there's a grassy courtyard in the middle of HQ? The Marquis de Sod-- that's the Personnel guy, the daisy-- and the Sunflower Official hang out there sometimes."

"Thank you for that useful fact."

"Do you know that the Directors have been wracking their... brains, for the most part... trying to keep us on our toes when we're off duty?"

"Off duty?" said Acacia. "No.. sorry, I don't think I'm familiar with that concept.."

"Before the movies, it existed. There was a time when our consoles were mostly used for playing Quake..."

"Lucky people-who-were-around-then."

"Yes, we were."

"But what about the HORSE?"

Jay looked innocently at her, a charming but vague smile playing about her lips.

**

The horse was still where the Sue had left it but, her being dead, canon had partially reasserted itself and the sons of Elrond were back where they belonged.

Jay looked around the cave, nodded, and carefully set a portal over the only exit. "Either it's going to be untamable and "escape" through that door... or it'll be a kitten and we can deal with it easily."

Acacia grinned, and stepped back. Jay could deal with the horse.

Jay approached the honey-colored animal: its eyes went wide and its nostrils flared.

"I don't have any sugar for you. They don't let me have sugar. But, you're supposedly intelligent..." Jay looked it straight in the eyes. "Choice: come with me. Or stay with her." She pointed to Acacia, who was nonchalantly holding her bow.

The horse, as intelligent as her sire (I think that's what you call a horse father), nuzzled Jay affectionately.

"Good girl." Jay beamed. She led the horse to the portal and let her step through. "First order of business: the new terror of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum cannot be called...." Jay shuddered "Quolful. It sounds like a piece of Quidditch equipment."

"What should it be called instead?"

Jay thought. "Alice..?"

Acacia blinked. "Why?"

"Quolful. Sounds like "gire and gimple," or "Slithy toves..."

"Ohhh."

"Alice, then? I'm not going to deal with a horse named "Cheshire."

"The Cheshire horse." Acacia giggled. "Okay."

Jay smiled vaguely as she stepped through the portal. "We've recruited. It's time for vacation."

"Are we heading Upstairs to 'ask'?" Acacia wondered.

"Yes.. and we have to let the teachers know we're coming."

Acacia grinned. " **Ex** cellent."

END

[Acacia's A/N: This one was truly, truly bad. And, I think, a bit shorter than usual. You will get to see Upstairs again, never fear, and an even **worse** Sue- by the same author. Thanks to Camilla Sandman for the idea of Minibalrogs and to the Philosopher at Large for that little rhyme. Suggestions for vacation destinations are welcome. Any reviews at all are welcome. Suggestions for more Sues even more so. And suggestions for **good** fics to read are wonderful. Truly. We don't get any of those..]

[Jay's A/N: Well, I've asked Miss Camilla Sandman to vacation in her story. Don't know what she'll say... (FanFic U. Read it. Worship it. http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=644826) We had fun. We did. *waves to all* We'll try to get a list of all the spinoffs up, because, hey, they rock. Oh, Dead Girls is a song. Really. It's a Voltaire song. So is The Man Upstairs. Could I make this stuff up?] 


	10. Vacation at OFUM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

As Jay and Acacia started up the stairs, they saw a great multitude of people running in the opposite direction.

"What's wrong?"

"WILD HORSE!"

Jay grinned. Acacia giggled.

"It's intelligent, so it'll probably steer clear of the SO."

"Yes, but what if it tries to eat it?" Acacia formed a mental picture of this and laughed harder.

"I think if it starts talking, that might dissuade it. And scare the heck out of it..."

"Likely."

"Look! Elevators!" Jay grinned. "You weren't noticing."

" **Jay**.."

"Yes?"

Acacia sighed. "Never mind, let's just go.."

They stepped into the elevators. They began to shoot up at an alarming rate. "Ooooooh..." Jay swayed and looked unhappy."

"What's wrong?"

"It makes my head hurt."

"Ah. Well, it'll stop soon."

It did. The sudden stop made Jay look ill.

Acacia shrugged, and stepped through the opening door. Jay staggered after her.

Acacia, however, soon got lost.. despite the fact that the hallway was perfectly straight. That damn shade of gray made it about impossible to work out where anything was.

Jay was somewhat better off, due to her habit of running her fingers along any available wall. It kept her going in the right direction.

Acacia finally gave up trying to find **her** way, and just followed Jay.

Jay managed not to walk facefirst into the wall at the end of the corridor. She felt around. "No doorknob!" She beat a tattoo on the metal surface, making unsettling echos. "Let us in, pleeeease."

Acacia kicked the wall where the door should be, and then winced in pain because she was, as she always did in Headquarters, wearing open-toed shoes.

Jay was also a persistent wearer of sandals, so she hadn't tried it. Fortunately, she had a large, plain ring on one hand, which she used to tap at the wall until the door manifested. (The author would like to point out that she actually has such a ring, and uses it for such a purpose.)

Acacia opened the door and stepped through in the same way she always went through doors; i.e., as if she owned the place.

The Sunflower Official levelled a sunny glare at the two of them. _At least you knocked... I suppose I should be thankful._ Something that looked vaguely like a wry smile took place on its face. _With what have you come to brighten my day..?_

Acacia looked around, but there were still no chairs. She made do with leaning against the wall. "We have recruits. When do we get a vacation?"

Jay shook her head. "Forget that. We have recruits. We are TAKING a vacation."

The SO turned it's blossom heavenward for a moment, and then steepled its fronds in the "sympathetic boss" manner. _Do you realize the paperwork required to let you walk as extras through a canon universe..?_

"Thankfully, that will not be a problem," Acacia said.

_How so?_

"We want to go to the Official Fanfic University of Middle Earth. That's an Author story, and I," Jay produced a roll of paperwork, "have already gotten permission."

"On a totally unrelated note, how come there are no chairs in here?" said Acacia, fairly randomly.

_You think I want you people to STAY?_ The SO sounded horrified. A tendril snaked out across the distance, grabbed Jay's paperwork, rubberstamped it, and practically hurled it back. _Go. Please. Begone._

"Fine by me," said Acacia happily. "Come on, Jay.."

**

There are several words that will strike fear into OFUM [Official Fanfic University, Middle-Earth]. "Exam." "Homework." "Miss Cam".

They would now have a new one to cower in terror of....

"All students report to the auditorium for an Assembly."

Assemblies were not exactly a regular feature of student life, and a few of them who liked new and unusual things were looking forward to it. These would soon learn the error of their ways.

As they filed into the auditorium, the first thing that caught their eye was Gandalf, standing imposingly behind the podium. Just behind him, though, were two strangers, young women not much older then themselves. They were both wearing black, with a patch of what looked like a potted cactus on one sleeve.

The first, surveying the auditorium with a confident gaze, had neat brown hair down to the shoulders, and a pair of piercing brown eyes behind little oval glasses. She was fairly tall-- but not next to her companion, a rather gangly girl with hazel eyes, an unruly mane of reddish-brown hair, and a vague expression of good will.

The englassed brunette was also tapping her foot impatiently; clearly she wanted to get the lecture over with.

Gandalf glared at her, then turned his attention back to the croud. "This semester, we have two visitors who have asked to vacation here. They work for the PPC... that's the Protectors of the Plot Continuum... Mary Sue department." There were scattered gasps of fright and recognition.

"They write Mary Sues?" asked Lina Holling, astounded.

"No," the shorter girl answered ahead of Gandalf. "We KILL them."

"Acy, you'll frighten them," the taller one admonished quietly.

"Good."

The auditorium filled with murmurs.... outright fear from the fifty percent of the class that would admit they'd written such a thing, and dark grumblings from those who wouldn't admit it.

"Wait a minute. They're fanfic writers as well, I know," Lyle said from amid the Sisterhood of Evil, who had claimed a fair block of the seats. "Why aren't THEY stuck in this academy?"

Gandalf raised his eyebrows. "Let me demonstrate." He turned to the assassins. "How many were there in the Fellowship of the Ring?"

"Nine," they said, more or less in unison.

"Ever," added the one with glasses. "Not even one that joined after Moria to replace Gandalf and return them to nine."

"And none of them were female," said the tall one.

>From the back, where the teaching staff was sitting, came the sound of applause. Elrond was practically beaming, remembering the first, disastrous day of Numerology 101. The tall one blushed.

Gandalf turned to the two guests. "Please, introduce yourselves, and then we can all get back to class."

The glassesed one blinked. Introductions weren't really her strong point.

The gangly one patted her on the back. "I'll go first, okay, Acy?"

"Don't call me that," she snarled softly, but made way.

"Hello, OFUM. I'm Constable Jay-- just Jay, obviously, now that I'm off duty. This is my partner, Acacia, with whom I correct Continuum errors caused by Mary Sues." The audience grumbled darkly. "Don't be like that," Jay said with a smile. "We'd never hurt YOU."

"Unless we wanted to," Acacia added.

"You're scaring them again..." They moved away from the microphone and started bickering.

"Everyone... you may return to your classes, now." Gandalf guestured, and the doors opened.

The students left rather more quickly than they had arrived. When the noise had died down, it was just possible to hear the two partners still arguing.

"Who **cares** if they're scared, it's not as if-"

"It's rude. They're here to learn, after all-"

"I'm not stopping them-"

**

Jay and Acacia were still bickering back and forth when they ran into the teaching staff, who had been waiting for them just outside.

"But like I've said twelve times already-"

"You haven't repeated the same point more than five times yet-"

"Oh, 'ello, Miss Cam," Acacia said.

Miss Cam motioned Galadriel forward.

"I've been getting some disturbing mental images from the students regarding you," the Elven lady said. "They seem to have rather bad intent towards you."

"Am I allowed to shoot them if they try anything?" said Acacia hopefully.

"Only non-fatally," Miss Cam interjected.

"Besides, they seem rather scared of you," Galadriel pointed out.

"Good."

"But not your partner."

Jay looked downcast.

"At any rate, Miss Cam is prepared to offer you Tranduil and Borimir to safeguard you both for the duration."

Miss Cam had an army of "mini-Balrogs" that guarded the staff section and generally kept the students in line. Each was the product of a misspelled name in LotR fiction.

"Oooh. Fun," said Acacia brightly.

"Can I have Tranduil?" her partner asked hopefully.

"If Acacia doesn't mind getting Borimir, certainly."

"I have a feeling she won't."

"Why would I?" wondered Acacia.

Jay coughed but did not comment.

"Gandalf will show you to your rooms-- in the student section, I'm afraid, to prevent complaints of unfairness-- and then you have the run of the University. But we ask you not to go into the staff section without one of the staff with you."

Acacia shrugged. "Okay."

**

"Pillows, Acacia." Jay beamed. "Pillows and real beds...and sheets..."

Acacia smiled happily. "Fun.."

There was a shriek of delight from the next room. "SHOWERS!"

It wasn't that the Protectors didn't bathe.... but the sanitary facilities at Headquarters were rather sterile, metallic places with no hot water and the faint suggestion of an assembly line.

Acacia grinned. This was going to be more fun than she'd thought.

"And they've got a library.... and a sauna.... and Minas Tirith is just a day's walk away..." Jay began to unpack, and change into something that wasn't a uniform. "And we get to take Numerology 101, and learn about the dating habits of the species..."

"This'll be good.."

Jay knocked at the door that adjoined their rooms. "You decent?"

"Yeah."

Jay strode in. "Acacia, you haven't changed out of uniform yet." She looked puzzled. She'd already forsaken her black gear for loose jeans and a red cotton shirt.

"I was busy looking around."

"Eh. Okay." Jay grinned. "Jeeze, I don't know what to do first."

"What classes are going on today? I'd like to **see** some of this.."

"It's what, Tuesday? That's Numerology 101." Jay beamed. "Elrond's teaching it."

Acacia ignored the last part. "Let's go see."

**

"I trust the ten chapters of homework I assigned you last week have left you in NO DOUBT of the true number of the Fellowship?"

There was a chorus of groans.

"How many would that be, class?"

"Nine." Everyone chorused. The two Protectors, seated off towards the side, looked vindicated.

"There's something very wrong with anyone who comes to class voluntarily," Dot complained quietly to Lina.

"I heard that," said Acacia.

Dot glared at her, and turned back to Lina. "Even Arien and Celebrian don't like Elrond's classes. And they like him!"

"Hmm. I think the tall one likes him too-- hasn't mobbed him, though," Lina pointed out.

"Perceptive, at least," Acacia said to herself, quietly. "And here's why we're actually enjoying the class: We're vacationing here, as in taking a break, voluntarily, as in we not only don't have to be here but also don't have to do the homework." She leaned back in her chair, smirking.

Jay busy taking notes, something that was earning her more stares then her partner-- as were the rough pen sketches that adorned all other free space. She found a piece of looseleaf paper, and hastily scrawled "Have you looked at t/ txtbk? Think I'm in love."

Acacia snatched up her pencil. " & you got on **my** case for being in love with a fictional character. Hypocrisy, I say!"

"Wh/ wrong w/ loving txtbk?"

"Inanimate object?"

"Still has feelings. Look @ wtch-wall"

"Excuse me, ladies--" Elrond shot them a pointed look. "Your classmates **hardly** need the distraction."

"We'll shut up," said Acacia.

"Thank you," Elrond said, his expression softening slightly. "Now. Let's talk about the number two..."

**

"I can't believe that none of the students have checked out the sauna." Jay shrugged in the face of the pure idiocy inherent in such people. "Still. More room for us, if we need it..."

#3 on the Exploring Itinerary was "Find sauna." None of the girls seemed willing to talk about it.

Acacia shrugged. She had worked out that there was probably some reason for this but wanted to find out what the reason **was**. She was now wondering if this meant she was **more** sensible than her partner, or **less** so.

"Hmm. I think this is it." Jay opened the door, and was rewarded by a burst of steam.

"Fun." (This was Acacia's official word.)

Jay stepped inside, dissapearing in the steam. "OOOOOOOH!"

"What?"

Jay did not respond to Acacia. Instead-- "Oooozagoodboyden! Aaaaaw, yes you are, yes you are a sweety....."

"Jay.."

"Yes?"

"I know you. How slimy is it, and how many tentacles has it got?"

"It's a WATCHER!" Jay's voice was ecstatic. "It must have been scared by all the students. Were you scared of all the silly fan girlzes? Awwww.."

Acacia rolled her eyes. "The Watcher in the Sauna. I've **got** to see this.." She poked her head inside.

Jay was kneeling on the tile floor, petting several tentacles, and being generally maternal. The watcher looked a bit wary, but hadn't retreated yet, and was considering enjoying this treatment.

Acacia sat on the wooden bench-type-thing, and just watched. Someone being maternal over a slimy tentacled thing was, she considered, one of the more amusing sights to be seen in the various word worlds.

"Doesooowanta biscuit? Mommy can do that. Doesoowanta peice of meat? Mommy can do that too. Doesoowant Gandalf's cooking? Of course you don't..."

**

"Okay. I **like** this place."

"Bookses! Towers! Birdies!" Jay said from a pile of scrolls. "Look, I found Isildur's account of the One Ring..."

"Do you know how long we can stay on vacation?" Acacia asked wistfully.

"About two weeks." Jay's hand appeared, clasping a faded peice of parchment. "But this is definitely going on my 'Places to retire' list."

"Fun.."

Jay extracted herself from the pile, and looked out the window. "Oh, great-- it's late afternoon. Can't believe we spent all day in Minas Tirith..." She thought. "Oh, yes I can."

"What's not to believe?"

"Nothing at all." Jay shook out her legs, preparing for the long climb back down. "Even the stairs are pretty. I could live in the stairs."

" **I** couldn't. You'd get stepped on."

"You could rope off your section.. most of them are wide enough." Jay stuck her head out the window for a moment of fresh air, then started towards the door.

"Oh, that Lina Holling, I hear she wanted to talk to us."

"Why?"

"I was hoping you would know." Jay pulled her head back in, and started down the stairs. "But I think a nap is in order, first. I feel like I've just spent four hours on a Stairmaster."

"Okay.."

They didn't see Lina when they came back to the University-- they weren't looking for her, either. They immediately headed off to their rooms to shower-- "Hot water!"-- and sleep.

**

Jay was awakened late that night by a gentle knocking. "Mmf?"

"It's Lina," a soft voice called.

Jay tossed a sandal at the door to her partner's room. "Wakeup, 'cacia, 's Lina."

"Oh?"

Jay threw her shirt back on, and staggered to the door to let the student in.

Acacia opened the door between the two rooms, which Jay had neglected to lock from her side, and entered as well.

"Umm.." Lina didn't seem quite sure what to say now that she'd found them, but made a valorous attempt. "It's Tuesday-- movie night in the Staff Section. Would you like to come?"

"Movies?" said Acacia brightly.

"How did you get into the staff section?" Jay mused, causing Lina to turn bright red. And ignore Jay.

"Yes, movies!" she said, turning quickly to Acacia. "Taken from our world and recast with Middle-Earthers. Tonight is "You've got Morgoth!"

Acacia, however, had **not** ignored Jay. "How **did** you get in?"

"Come on, we'll be late..." Lina's face was flaming by this point, but she produced a pass and led the way. When they got to the staff section, Lina fed the mini-balrogs, came through, and was met by--

"Gimli?" said Acacia mildly.

"So THAT'S how she got a pass to the staff section," Jay said, surprised, as Gimli wrapped a possessive arm around Lina. "Nice catch, Lina!"

Lina was blushing a rather impressive scarlet color by now.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Jay said. "Besides, you hear things about dwarves.."

Acacia was just grinning.

Lina's blush began to subside. "They're all true," she said proudly.

"Even the one about-" Acacia began.

"Movie night?" Gimli suggested quickly.

Jay nodded. "Onward."

**

Acacia leaned back in her seat. "It's.. interesting, I'll give it that.."

Across from her, Jay was suffering a barrage of popcorn from Sauron-- mostly because Morgoth had chosen her to hide behind. "It's just not the same with different actors."

"That's probably it."

"Look at this." Jay brandished the case for _X-Maias._ "Manfred the Slightly Ecru replaces Hugh Jackman."

"..odd.."

"And it just isn't the same without Ian McKellan. No movie would be."

"Probably the case." Jay and Acacia, as should probably now be obvious, were the sort of moviegoers other moviegoers dread. The kind that have to be reminded that this is **not** the Satellite of Love and they are **not** obligated to talk at all times.

However, Morgoth had pricked up his ears. "Who's this McKellan fellow?"

"Incredibly talented," Jay said. "He was Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings movie..."

"Do tell."

Acacia grinned. _This should be good.._

Sauron had stopped throwing popcorn at Morgoth, and instead joined him next to Jay.

"What other actors do you know from our movie..?"

"Well, a lot.."

They pulled her to the side, and talked quietly. Acacia, however, had **very** good hearing..

"-and there was this Bruce Willis movie-- pretty good B-movie, actually, with Ian Holm... that's Bilbo-"

Acacia looked away from the screen long enough to see that **both** Dark Lords were taking notes. _This should be **interesting**.._

They kept her talking until her knowledge of the actors had run out-- at which point the movie had, too, and it was time to get back to bed.

**

"So, what do you think they're going to do, now that they know all that?" Acacia asked her, on the way upstairs to their rooms.

"What do you mean, do about it...?" Jay leaned on her door, falling inwards with it. "M' tired. Gotta get up for breakfast tomorrow.."

"Okay.."

Jay crawled in the bed, and was asleep quickly.

**

"Jay, Lina says the hobbits are going to get all of the breakfast if we don't hurry.."

"Mmf."

"Well, if you want to go hungry, you can; I'm going down to eat."

"M' coming!" Jay scrambled out of bed and was in her clothes quickly. She stumbled down to the cafeteria on Acacia's heels.

The cafeteria filled up quickly (mostly with hobbits.) When just about the entire student population had squashed in, there was a murmur of surprise.

"Galadriel? What's she doing here..?"

"You don't think she's here to do more Britney Spears--"

"No, she wouldn't be that cruel."

The elf lady steepled her fingers.

"We believe that a student is responsible for-- this."

"This" was a woman. Probably. Wearing-- sequins and feathers and makeup and not much else.

There were stunned whispers. Acacia noticed Jay trying to slide under the table.

"I know who THAT is!" Somebody gasped. "It's Mitzi!"

"Who?"

"Mitzi! The drag queen from _Priscilla, Queen of the Desert...._ "

"WRONG," 'Mitzi' boomed in an Australian accent you could cut with a knife. "QUITE wrong. And if this situation is not rectified _soon_ , you are ALL FAILING Numerology 101!"

A thunderstruck silence fell.

"Jay, is that who I think it is?" Acacia asked quietly.

>From under the table, Jay just whimpered.

Acacia made a valiant attempt not to burst out laughing hysterically.

"I'm really sorry, Lord Halfelven..." The voice was meek, and somewhat muffled, as if it were covered by a table. "It was Sauron and Morgoth, I swear I didn't know they were going to-"

Galadriel cut off the voice. "I think that explains quite enough, Miss Thorntree." There was a stir as everyone tried to figure out who "Thorntree" was.

"Halfelven," said Celebrian, looking horrified. "That's ELROND!"

The students fell into the Silence again. A horrified silence, staring at.... Lord Elrond. In feathers, sequins, makeup, and not much else.

A few giggles started up here and there- mainly from people with little self-control, because no one **really** wanted Elrond mad at them.

Two more people filed into the room behind him. "Hey, that's Magneto! From X-men!"

"Look, it's the priest from the Fifth Element!"

The smarter students were beginning to figure things out. Jay and Acacia, with a little more information to work with, already had.

"Actors! Actors from Lord of the Rings!" Lina said, beside them. She turned to look at Acacia and Jay-- "Uh, where's Jay?"

"Hiding."

"I am never going to movie night again," said the table.

Acacia, judging that enough people had started laughing now for her not to be noticed, began to giggle hysterically.

"I'm afraid until our Dark Lords can be persuaded to undo this-" Galadriel yelled above the noise, "-it's up the the culprit to mitigate it somewhat. That means you, Miss Thorntree."

There was a slight scuffling as something under the table crawled towards the door. There was a yelp as something under the table grabbed Acacia's ankle, and gave it a tug in that direction.

"What are you **doing**?" Acacia demanded. Softly.

"Hiding?" Jay poked her head out. "I've got to think of how to, as the lady says, 'mitigate this.'"

"It was you?" Lina asked quietly.

Jay yanked her head back in and shuffled towards the door again.

Acacia shrugged, stood up, and walked out the door.

Jay was waiting outside. "I suggest we visit the library and give me some time to think this over."

"All right," said Acacia mildly.

Jay was already gone.

**

"I kind of like this place," said Acacia.

"It is a very nice library," Jay said. She was, apparently, looking for inspiration in "The Gambler's Guide to Numerology."

Acacia was not helping much. She'd been paging through various books, none of which seemed to have anything at all with the subject at hand.

Towards the afternoon, the foul mood was lightened as Saruman ran through the library, his own staff following him like a torpedo.

Gandalf's voice rang after him. "Shouldn't've made the staff out of metal, old buddy! MUAHAHA!"

"Guess who just discovered he has Mad Magnetic Powers," Jay said, actually smiling.

Acacia laughed. "So not all the changes were a bad idea, then." She considered this for a moment. "And if they'd picked Agent Smith instead of Mitzi, I doubt Elrond would be so pissed off."

Jay's head flashed around. "That's how I can mitigate it! Mention more flattering roles these poor saps have been in!" She bit her lip. "But I don't know anything else for Ian Holm... poor Bilbo will have to stay human."

"Good idea," said Acacia. "Do we go tell Galadriel about it, or just do it?"

"Do it. But if we don't cast the roles in a nonflattering light, they won't go for it..." She thought for a minute. "Not hard. Who I've got in mind are both Bad Guys."

"So, where do you think they'll be..?"

**

"Okay. We're at the.." Jay consulted her hastily scrawled map. "Basketball Court of Hate. They should be here any minute."

"Good. I'm sick of waiting."

There was the sound of Evil Bickering. Jay nodded. "So, I mean, Mitzi is bad... but Elrond's just lucky they didn't know about The Matrix..." She managed to project this rather well. There was the sound of two Dark Lords ceasing to bicker and trying to be sneaky.

"Good point," said Acacia. "Is there anyplace to sit down?"

"Yeah, here's a bench. So you agree with me, Agent Smith would have been worse then Mitzi?"

"Probably.."

"Elrond would have been just flattened to be a," Jay snickered, "bad guy."

"Quite so.."

"Speaking of Baddies, at least Magneto has style. Even the comics respected him. Now, Chauvelin...from the Scarlet Pimpernel? Heh. Ian McKellan as the 'rat.'"

Evil sneakiness radiated from around the corner. "Ooops, gotta get to class, or we'll miss the lecture on Dating--" Jay beamed, and hopped up from her seat.

**

The approving look Galadriel gave the assassins as they entered the classroom puzzled Acacia for a moment. _Oh.. yeah.. mindreader.. forgot.._

"Just hope they remember it long enough to put it into motion," Jay mused, before sliding into her seat.

"Probably will, they remembered about Mitzi and such well enough," Acacia murmured.

Jay looked shamefaced. "It's a pity we couldn't think of anything Sir Ian Holm's been in."

"Yeah, yeah, too bad, but the class is starting."

They shut up. Jay smiled as she perused the textbook: really intricate courtship rituals... She giggled as a thought struck her. Acacia glanced over at her.

Jay wrote something on a piece of paper, quietly. "Gold, gold, gold, gold."

Acacia scrawled a question mark on the paper, and slipped it back to Jay.

"Pratchett. 'Dwarves don't love gold, they just say that to get it into bed.'"

"'Dwarfs' on Disc.."

"Memory's not like yours. Sueme."

"Could not get any $, why bother?"

"Could get my half of souvenirs, but where get lawyer?" Jay glanced up. Galadriel didn't seem to have noticed, but she really ought to be taking notes..

"Things keep getting worse at this rate, next Sue will have graduated law school. At age 5."

Jay shuddered at this thought, and started taking notes in the margins of her paper.

Acacia shrugged and turned her attention back to the lesson.

Galadriel smiled. "You may have wondered if we're going to be announcing partners for the exam today." The class looked hopeful, the Protectors just looked confused. "We aren't."

There was a sad sigh.

"Know what's going on?" Acacia scribbled.

"N/ clue." Jay scribbled a quick note, and slid it across the aisle to someone who didn't look hostile.

The note came back with "G. said we'd have test on dating, with partners of diff. species."

Jay showed the note to Acacia, and nodded knowingly.

"Hope Legolas is not on list of possible partners. Bet Legolas does too."

"Is, or they'd not be so xcited."

Up at the podium, Galadriel was reviewing last week's homework. And Celeborn. They left the class with an assignment, and hurriedly scuttled out the door.

"Does this happen every week?" Jay asked aloud.

"Yes," said everyone in earshot.

**

It was that afternoon. No actual classes were going on, so Jay was exploring. Acacia was exploring too, but not in the same place or the same way that Jay was. "Wandering around the place to try and find Boromir" was about accurate.

Jay had seen the library, the cafeteria, and the sauna. Now she was hunting for the laundry. Not only do odd things happen in a laundry, but it's also a good place to know about 'round about week two.

A few students, mostly of the Sisterhood of Evil, were sneaking (rather badly) a few paces behind her.

Jay blinked. She turned. She looked at the Sisterhood. _Nah. People can't "sneak" that overtly. Must be imagining things._ There was another group waiting in the hall ahead. Jay didn't think much of this, and walked on.

The group ahead wasn't moving. Belatedly, Jay's sense of impending doom kicked in. On either side of her, the groups fanned out to block the hall.

"We want to talk to you," purred a rather Gothic looking girl in a cloak-- Lyle, was her name?

Things could have gone fruitshaped, but Gothic Lyle and her Sisterhood were suddenly flattened by a nasty little ball of malevolent flame that appeared to pop out of the woodwork.

Miss Cam had said that Tranduil was good at camouflage...

Someone had taken advantage of the chaos to grab Jay's arm. She thrust her elbow backwards, hit something soft, and ran.

_Sah bom nim was right. I do regret dropping out at yellow belt..._ She opened a door, and ducked in. There was a splash. Her pursuers stopped.

She'd gone into the sauna. They gave eachother worried looks, and dispersed quickly.

**

Acacia peered up a staircase. _Not there either, dammit.._ She sighed.

She turned, and almost ran into two students. She recognized them as belonging to the Cult of Legolas.

One eeeped and ran away when she saw Acacia. The other, an elf, backed up a step or two, and was accosted.

"Hey, whatever-your-name-is-"

"Nimroth-"

"-do you know where I could find Boromir?"

"Um. He might be in the staff section. Or he could be in the 'What's in a Name' classroom..."

"Fun.." Acacia let go and headed off towards the classroom.

He wasn't there either. And she wasn't allowed in the staff section without permission, but no one had said she couldn't wait outside to waylay people the moment they came out..

She hadn't been waiting long when the door creaked open. Legolas looked around, was reassured by lack of fangirl, and snuck out.

Acacia stepped out of the shadows. Legolas hadn't seen her; working for the Department of Mary Sues could make you **really** good at hiding.

"Aaaah!" Not quite on the level of "Oh, it's a Balrog. I think I'll soil my trousers." But close.

"It's okay! I'm not a fangirl. I'm one of the Protectors that're vacationing here, remember?"

Legolas stopped shaking, and moved away from the wall. "Can I help you, miss-- ahh-- Miss?"

"I was just wanting to know if you'd seen Boromir anywhere.."

"He's in the staff section."

"Blast," sighed Acacia. She considered for a moment. "Wait.. I seem to recall we're allowed in if we have a staff member with us..?" She looked hopefully at Legolas. (Something she'd never thought she'd do, but there you go.)

Legolas looked wary. "You're not going to tackle him, are you?"

"Would I do something like that?" said Acacia sweetly.

Legolas looked outright frightened. Acacia tended to have that effect on people.

"If you promise, I can take you in."

"I promise.."

Legolas stepped aside, and let her in. He still looked worried. "Look, if you _do_ tackle him, I didn't let you in." Legolas didn't know Acacia very well. She did not fangirl-tackle.

Acacia looked around with vague interest; new places were always interesting, but in this case she was looking for someone.

Boromir was sitting quietly in the lounge where Acacia had been on movie night. Apparently, he was looking over the "What's in a Name" homework. He looked different- but not at all bad- in his new 006 getup.

Acacia spotted him and hurried up to sit in the chair directly opposite him, grinning broadly. Most Headquarters staff would have been surprised. "'Ello!"

Boromir looked up, flinched, and then relaxed. "Hello, Miss Acacia."

It was a mark of how horrible a conversationalist Acacia was that she couldn't think of a reply to this fairly simple comment.

Boromir would have gone back to his papers, but something was nagging at him. "Have I seen you before?"

"It's possible," said Acacia. "I mean, I visit the continuum a lot. To get rid of Mary Sues, I mean. I mean, there's a lot of them, and we're understaffed, so.."

Boromir looked at her. "I almost distinctly remember talking to you." He thought for a minute. "Or, that could just be the University doing odd things to my head."

"Could have happened," said Acacia guardedly, guiltily remembering the conversation a mission or so ago as "Vananovien".

Boromir wasn't all that busy, and was actually willing to talk after discovering she had no intention to pounce him.

Acacia managed to stumble through the conversation without turning beet red. It was with mixed emotions that she excused herself.

A few students passed her in the hall, once she left the staff section. They were muttering worriedly, and she thought she caught her partner's name. She followed them.

Much worry was alleviated when she saw a rather sodden Jay fuming in the laundry room. The girls she was following, on the other hand, screamed and fainted.

Acacia blinked. "What.. just happened here?"

Jay looked at the prone bodies, and gave one a vengeful kick. " _I_ don't know. These little brats ganged me in the hall and chased me into the sauna."

"Ah." Acacia grinned. "I've been having a much more pleasant time. I found Boromir in the staff section-"

"We're not supposed to be there.."

"Legolas let me in, I think just because he was so relieved I wasn't a Legolustbunny."

Jay sulked, and hid behind a dryer. "Acacia, one of them is wearing a cloak, I think. Toss here, please?" Acacia complied. "You didn't see Elrond in there, did you?"

"I was **hardly** watching for him," Acacia said.

Jay sighed, and dumped her sodden things into the dryer. "Tranduil was very helpful. I must remember to thank Miss Cam."

Acacia grinned, and patted Borimir on the head.

Jay emerged from behind the dryer, wearing the cloak. She pilfered a belt from one of them, and cinched it securely-- and voila, was dressed more modestly then most of the OFUM students. "I need to get a change of clothes."

"Back to our rooms?"

"Quite." Outside, the girls were starting to return to conciousness.

**

"So.. what do we do now?" Acacia wondered. "Go find Gandalf and Elrond and see if they've been switched yet?"

Jay's eyes bugged. "I think... they have." She pointed. At one end of the hall was a rather attractive man in archaic clothing-- black coat, black cravat, and a rather silly hat.

"Fun!" said Acacia.

"Wow." Jay was looking awestruck. "Paul Chauvelin, ladies and gentlemen. Ian McKellen at his finest. And youngest."

Acacia smiled faintly. "And, no doubt, you'll want to see if they fell for the Agent Smith thing as well."

"In a minute." Jay dashed back into her room, returning with the one piece of equipment she was never without...

"Do you really think he'll appreciate you taking pictures?"

"Bugger you." Jay cupped her hands around her mouth. "Mithrandir!! Smile!"

Acacia sat down against the wall, content just to watch.

Gandalf actually seemed quite willing to show off his current appearance. (The fact that he looked about thirty years younger had NOTHING to do with that. Oh, no.)

Jay bounced back. "Now we can see about 'Agent Smith.'"

"He was in the Shrine of Villainy, you know," said Acacia, getting up.

"No, I didn't. Is it a good thing? Or a bad thing?"

"That," said Acacia, "really, **really** depends on your point of view."

"Did it say he was a good villain? I've never seen the Matrix. I wouldn't know--" A few passersby fainted dead away.

"You ought to. Great movie. And everyone in the Shrine is officially a 'Great Villain'. He's with the likes of Darth Vader and Jareth."

"Jareth!" Jay beamed. "Good, good company. And I don't LIKE Keanu Reeves, thank you." Another set of students fainted.

"Why are these people falling over the whole time?" Acacia wondered. "Unless this is really, really shocking news to them.."

"Keanu Reeves fangirls? Jeeze, if they're this bad, I shouldn't mention that I've never seen Titanic...."

"Nor have I, actually. Not my idea of a fun time. I mean, we know the damn ship's going to sink.. have you seen the list of Reasons Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic?"

"Haven't. Is one of them "No Leonardo DiCaprio?"

"Not in so many words. But there was 'Sure, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?'"

"Muaha."

"And 'Han Solo would have steered clear of that damn iceberg..'"

**

"I think," said Acacia, pointing out someone in sunglasses and a black suit, "that we've found him. And it's definitely an improvement."

Jay smiled, and flashed a picture. The black-suited man whirled.

He relaxed when he saw that they were neither Celebrian or Arien, but still headed purposefully in their direction.

"This is-- mitigation, I assume." He gave a somewhat disturbing grin.

"Basically," Acacia volunteered.

"It is, I suppose, better then the last time." This was directed to Jay, who was hiding behind Acacia, blushing furiously. "I think I may have found a way to make the Dark Lords change us back, however."

"Oh good. I was getting sick of Gimli's new accent," said Acacia.

It was true. It is not something that everybody knows, but John Rhys-Davies played Sallah in Indiana Jones BEFORE he ever took on the role of a dwarf.

"Gandalf won't want to go back, I think," Jay ventured from behind her partner. Her face was an impressive color just below brick.

"Too bad for him," said Acacia unfeelingly.

"Oh, I think we can let him revel in his newfound immaturity..." Elrond smiled, "Miss Thorntree. And I'd appreciate that NOT happening again. Now, please excuse me--" He stalked away.

"Well, that was painless," Acacia commented.

"He's really something, isn't he?" Jay was looking infatuated again.

Acacia sighed. "I'm going to agree, simply because all hell will be let loose if I don't."

"At least I can manage a declarative sentence in front of him."

"Shut **up**!"

Jay did. And then, she started to mime something: it might have been eating, or it might have been shoveling dirt off a windmill.

Acacia blinked. "Are you feeling okay?"

Jay nodded. And grinned.

And only then did Acacia remember Jay's stubborn literalness. She sighed, and tried to come up with a wording that could not be- deliberately, she was sure- misunderstood. "I meant, drop the subject."

Jay bit her lip, and thought hard for a moment. Finally, her shoulders drooped. "You win. I can't think of anything else that could mean."

Acacia smirked.

**

"Yummy food! Oh, it is!"

Acacia gave her a sour look. "It's **food**. Yes, it tastes good, but must you **squeal** so?"

"Oh. I suppose you prefer the stuff we're usually stuck eating?" The fare of the PPC agent may occasionally rise to the edibility of mutton, but more often consists of Twinkies, eggrolls, and granola bars.

"I said I liked this stuff. I just said, there's no reason to be so excited about food. Unless you're a hobbit, but still. **That** 's to do with species identity."

"Whatever. Pass a roll."

"Here you go."

Jay sliced and buttered it, and then nicked some honey from a nearby hobbit to add.

"Hey!" protested the hobbit. "That was mine!"

"Yes," Jay said, dribbling it liberally. "And now it is mine. And now it is yours again!" She handed the honey pot back to the girl.

Acacia snorted, muttered something about childishness, and turned her attention back to her own food.

"Acacia, don't eat that roll."

"Why?"

"Because it has legs on."

Acacia blinked, and looked at it again, paying more attention this time. It did, indeed, possess legs.

"Must be Gandalf's cooking." Jay poked it. It licked her finger.

"This place is insane," said Acacia. "Not that I'm **complaining** , but still."

Jay had sliced a pat of butter and was feeding it to the odd creature. "Acacia, ask if this belongs to anyone..."

"Ask who?"

"Anyone. I'm sure this thing hasn't gone unnoticed."

Acacia turned to the elf sitting next to her on the side not occupied by Jay. "Does anyone here own a roll with legs?"

"Yes Lina." The elf realized for the first time who she was sitting next to, and edged away.

"Why," said Acacia sweetly, "are you moving away?"

"No reason. At all." The elf was crushed up against the human beside her. When the other student objected, the elf tried to unobtrusively point to the Protector.

"It's rude to point," said Acacia mildly, examining a roll to make sure this one was unlegged.

"Did she say if it had an owner?" Jay leaned backwards, trying to look past her partner.

"Lina."

"Okay. You see her anywhere?"

"Haven't just now, but I wasn't looking.."

Jay stood up and looked around the cafeteria. The young woman was nowhere in evidence.

Acacia just shrugged and continued eating.

Jay put the roll on the floor, and it wandered away. "There. Even if it doesn't find her, it'll be safer then it was in the cafeteria.."

"Good idea."

They went back to eating quietly, a little pool of silence in a sea of chatter. The noise level increased, however, as the door burst open and Sauron came running through.

Everyone turned toward the door, and they were just in time to see Elrond enter. Holding Agent Smith's gun.

" **Ah** ," said Acacia wisely. "I think now we're seeing what this plan of his was."

"It's Agent Smith!" someone screamed.

"Ten points off your final Numerology grade," said Elrond, the gun still pointing at the Dark Lord's head. But he didn't seem **quite** as annoyed as at the Mitzi Incident.

Acacia grinned, and leaned back in her seat to enjoy the show. It looked like being a **very** good one.

"Do you really expect that thing to frighten me?" Sauron bluffed. "It won't kill me."

"Oh, no. Guns don't kill people. **I** kill people..."

Acacia laughed. "I've always liked that line.. quote.. thingy, although for the life of me I can't remember where it came from," she said as an aside to Jay.

"Bastardized NRA slogan?"

"Yeah."

Sauron had reached the far wall, and had run out of places to go. "I can't undo it by myself," he wailed.

"Then find Morgoth?" Acacia volunteered from her spot on one side of the room. Sauron glared at her.

"What an excellent idea, Miss Byrd. Come along, Sauron, let's go find Morgoth..."

**

That night, Jay, insomniac, slipped out of her room and sneaked down to the sauna.

The Watcher was quite used to her by now, and was happy to see her.

She petted its tentacles maternally, and tossed it bits of meat that she'd filched from the kitchen. Suddenly, she noticed a lesion on its skin-- looking into the pool, she saw a minor assortment of stones.

"Has someone been throwing stones at you, sweety?"

The Watcher, of course, was mute, but its tentacles drooped sadly.

"Have they?" Jay frowned. "I'll have to find out about that." She leaned back and patted it absentmindedly. She did recall something... a student, trying to get someone's attention, winding up in the infirmary bruised and soaking wet.

Suddenly she heard what sounded like Legolas yelling, though muffled by walls. "SHUT UP!"

Whoever he'd been yelling at wasn't talking the hint. "..and long immortal life thy has it too/ with one small arrow on bow shall sweep/ has enemy on thou knees-"

"I said to shut up!" Apparently even ageless Elven archers can lose their tempers.

The Watcher twitched, and retreated back into a corner.

"Is that her?"

Its tentacles waved around in a vaguely affirmative fashion.

Jay raised an eyebrow, and quietly crept out into the hallway. She crept up just behind the serenading student, and tapped her on the shoulder.

"No evil dare touch thee before thy wakes/ or scuffer the fate of good he-" she turned to Jay. "Who're **you** , and why'd you interrupt me?"

"I've a bone to pick with you. You the one who's been chucking things at the Watcher in the Sauna?"

"It was trying to grab me!" the elf-girl protested.

"Did it try to grab you before, or after you threw rocks at it?"

"Both," she said sulkily. "Now go away, I want to finish my poem."

"Bugger that. You hurt it!"

"But it was trying to grab me!" she repeated, and turned back to Legolas' window. "Or scuffer the fate of good he makes," she said pointedly. "Dangerous is he to-"

"Now, why would it try to grab you? And why did you conveniently have rocks on hand?" Jay's hand snaked up to grab the girl's hair, thus ensuring her full attention.

"Ow! Let go my hair! And I don't know why it wanted to grab me, maybe it was hungry! Let GO!"

"Why the rocks?"

"Legolas threw them at me the last time I tried to recite poetry to him, so of course I kept them.."

"I think you incited it. Did you incite it?"

"What does 'incite' even mean?"

"Provoke."

"Unless you mean just by being there." She sniffed, and returned to her poetry.. "Dangerous is he to ene-"

Jay clamped a hand over the poet's (term used loosely) mouth. "LEGOLAS... DO YOU MIND IF I OFF THIS YOUNG LADY?"

"No! Go ahead!" came the reply.

Jay normally wouldn't do something like this. However, she knew that the Watcher was normally too frightened of fangirls to attack them. Somehow this girl had instigated things.

She dragged the poet (see previous disclaimer) into the sauna and shut the door. "What do you think of that?"

There was no answer. Apparently the Watcher had been **really** pissed off.

"Good night, Legolas..." Jay dusted her hands and whistled merrily as she shuffled back to bed.

**

In the weeks that followed, significantly fewer people seemed inclined to try to serenade Legolas, because of Rumors.

There had been a halfhearted search for a young elf-woman named Angare, who had apparently gone missing: this was of little consequence to Jay. However, she did look a bit guilty when it came out that Angare was an unrelenting poet.

Those professors that had been changed were back to normal-- except Gandalf, who was enjoying freaking out the students. Jay and Acacia were left mostly to their own devices, and despite Jay's protests, they attended the next movie night. (How to Irritate People, starring Tom Bombadil).

Jay, this time, had the good sense to keep her mouth shut during the movie, though Acacia still seemed unable to keep quiet whenever the opportunity arose to make a snide comment.

For the rest of the week, the two rested. It is traditional to spend a few days resting **after** a vacation-- not a chance, not at Headquarters. They visited Minas Tirith a few more times, attended class sporadically, and took pictures (at least, Jay did).

There was not, technically, an actual teary goodbye when they left (Acacia's wistful glance at Boromir notwithstanding.) Most of the students were glad to see them go, and even a few of the staff seemed slightly relieved.

Only Lina, Gandalf, and "BreadLegs" accompanied them out to the little clearing they'd popped in from in the first place. Jay opened a portal back to Headquarters, they stepped through, and that was all.

"Well, we're back," Jay said simply.

"You're an idiot, Jay..."

END

[Acacia's A/N: Well, we got our vacation. And it was fun. Angare's poem is real; she actually wrote it, it **was** that bad, and the spelling mistakes (within the poem) are hers. The last names are a bit of irony- there is a type of thorny tree called acacia, and a jay is, of course, a bird. Thanks go to Camilla Sandman, for writing the OFUM in the first place and for letting us vacation there. Thanks go to everyone who has reviewed so far, I don't feel like listing them. Thanks go to everyone who has recommended Suefics, regardless whether we ever eventually use them or not. And that's about all..]

[Jay's A/N: Darn, darn, darn. I was going to play "spot the irony," and there she goes and spoils it. We tried to keep it short, we did-- but there was just too much to do. Now, we have a backlog. *wince*. Ditto on Acacia's "Thanks"-- Cammy, we owe you. Regular PPC will be back next chapter.] 


	11. Mithril

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

"I don't want to be back at work," Jay understated.

Acacia looked a bit wistful as well, but what she **said** was "At least we did **get** a vacation."

Jay nodded, and perched precariously in her seat, trying very hard not to look comfortable.

Acacia gave her an odd look and sprawled. (She was one of **those** people. She could make herself at home on a wire.)

**[BEEEP!!!]** "DAMN you, Acacia!"

"It's not my f- oh. Universal Laws of Comedy. Damn."

Jay relaxed into her chair resignedly, and accessed their latest target.

She stared at the screen. She blinked. She looked at it again. "I thought we only had to deal with fics in English."

"What? There must be a glitch or something, foreign-language fics are supposed to go to people who speak the languages.. what language is it anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Read this."

Acacia got up and peered over Jay's shoulder. "So.. no glitch." She groaned. "'Why does thou intently gaze upon me as'- dammit, if they can't do archaic language correctly, why do they bother pretending?!" This was one of the Cardinal Sins According to Acacia, though not quite on a level with "Messing with Boromir". She stepped away from the screen as if the floor had offended her, and started getting her gear together.

"My brain hurts." Jay slammed her head firmly against the wall. "Aaah. A little better." She hadn't unpacked from her vacation-- all she had to do was throw out what **wasn't** Duty-related, and she was ready to go.

"So what are we going to be? She spends the **entire time** in Rivendell.."

"Elves again, then?" Jay squinted at the screen again, mentally rearranging words into some semblance of grammar. "BLOODY... **another** child of Elrond!"

Acacia sighed. "Typical trait of the Mary Sue In Denial; offspring of one or more canon characters."

"This prince both she and "her sister Arwen" like-- who are they talking about?"

"At least it's **after** the War of the Ring. Thank gods for small favors. Even if they're **very** small."

"You know, this may be outside of our jurisdiction..." Jay thought for a minute. "Does it make any mention of Legolas leaving for the Sea, or not?"

"Or not."

"Then it's out of canon. Otherwise..." Jay shrugged. "They'd be perfectly safe."

"But still pathetic."

"Naturally. But out of our juridiction." Jay sighed. "Someday they're all going to catch on and start writing after the War."

"I only wish. Let's go."

The portal opened. The portal closed. They were gone.

**

"Oh gods. It's painful even just to **be** here." Acacia sighed. "And that sort of compressed-up feeling.. you know? I hate when they don't separate their paragraphs. It makes my head hurt."

"I agree," Jay stated. Then blinked. "Em?"

"Em, what?"

"I... I'm not sure," Jay stated. "Something's wrong."

"Why do you keep stating things?"

"That's it!" Jay stated. "Er, I'm not sure." She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. "How many cups in a gallon?" she stated.

"Oh, gods.. I hate when **this** happens, too," Acacia stated.

"Oh, no, it's happened to you, too!" Apparently, there were suddenly no other words to describe speaking. Said, asked, wondered, snarled, and all their ilk had been thrown out the window.

"Is this enough already to kill her?" Acacia stated, despite the fact it was a question.

"The fact that Legolas is stuck in Rivendell is enough to kill her."

Acacia nodded. "So.. do we get her at this feast?"

"Acacia, you're the poisons expert," said Jay.

Acacia blinked. "You said something!"

"Yep. There are three instances in "said" to draw on. Two left, so be careful."

Acacia nodded. "Let's go see what she's doing right now first, shall we?"

"If we must."

**

"So I see you've grown since I first met you Mithril." Stated Gandalf. "Hello father, Gandlaf." Mithril stated bowing politely.

"Gandlaf," stated Acacia quietly. "Good grief."

"Her... name... is MITHRIL?" Jay made slitting motions across her wrists.

"Sadly, it seems so," stated Acacia.

"I had a disturbing dream," Mithril was stating to her father and 'Gandlaf'. "I saw Gandalf, a small... halfling with a ring, three others, Aragorn, another man, a dwarf, and I believe I saw prince Legolas... though it's been ages since I've last seen him... They were traveling to... well; I dare not say it here... I dreamed about a verse, and it was repeated to me in the dark tongue, elfish, and common tongue..."

"El **V** ish!" Acacia stated hotly. "Get it **right**!"

"I saw more ellipses then even we use," Jay stated. "And... would that be Quenya? Sindarin? What?"

"And it's the **Black Speech** , the ditz."

"Bugger." Jay shook her head. "When's the feast?"

"You expect me to judge **time**?" Acacia was trying not to use taglines anymore because she was sick of stating everything. "In **this** place?"

Jay shrugged. "This conversation ends, then she gets-" the Protector's shoulders began to heave with repressed laughter, "-made up by her servants, with lipstick, rouge, and all."

Acacia checked the words. "Dammit, we may want to avoid looking at her face. **You** know what happens if you look at something that's two things at once."

"What do you mean?"

"'Red tainted yet silver'? 'Silver yet pink'? You **know** things can't be two colors at once, it really hurts the eyes if someone tries it.."

"Maybe it's like those shirts that go purple or green depending on the angle?"

"It says- sorry, **states** \- nothing at all about the **angle**."

"I realize this. Silvery-red? Which would be pink?"

Acacia shook her head. "No, **not** half-silver-half-red, both red **and** silver."

"Blaaah." Jay thought for a minute, then grinned. "Do you have a skin contact poison with you?"

"With me? No. And I can hardly go back to Headquarters and get it."

"Why not?"

"You know we're not allowed back until we finish the job.."

"Tell you what. Where do you keep it?"

"With the rest of my stuff. Which is where I keep **everything**." Acacia considered. "Well, there are bound to be poisonous plants somewhere around here. We could always replace, say, the lipstick berries with something else."

Jay's eyes raised. "Heeeeeey. I was going to suggest the same thing." She grinned. "Great minds roll in the same gutter."

Acacia smirked. "Yes, but what does that have to do with you?"

"Fah. You do not know the depths of my mind."

"Or your insanity."

"Bugger you."

**

"This looks about right," stated Acacia, taking a few dark but shiny berries off a plant.

"Nice." Jay stated quietly but loudly. "We'll have to apply them ourselves, but it's worth it."

"Why will we?"

"So as to not put anyone else at risk. Her servants-- since when have elves had servants?-- don't deserve it.

Acacia nodded. "Agreed." She grinned. "And we can mess with her whilst so doing."

They were waiting for Mithril when she came back to her room. They "bathed her in perfumed and soaps that were probably worth a small fortune., they rubbed oils on her body," as the author had said. "This is really pathetic," Jay stated _sotto voce_.

Acacia shrugged. "It's made more bearable by the fact that I put poison ivy in the oil. Or didn't you notice that?"

Jay raised an eyebrow, and quickly washed off her hands. "Time to put on the 'low cut yet modest' dress.."

Jay couldn't look directly at the contradictory dress, but it was apparently "a pure white gown that sparkled like moonlight. The dress was long and trailed behind her, it shimmered silver, it had small specks of light like stars, it had long sleeves, and was low cut yet pretty modest."

The makeup was problematical. Acacia's berries did not in fact leave a "red tainted yet silver shimmer", so Mithril was likely to suspect something was up if the original ones weren't also used. It is **very** hard to put makeup on properly when looking at it is painful.

Jay found a small cache of berries that made her eyes hurt, and passed them to Acacia, along with the equally painful silver-yet-pink blush. She herself put on the "wilver" shoes with embroidered flowers on.

"Wilver!" she stated, quietly, when Sue was distracted. "The ninth color."

"Tenth," stated Acacia. "You forgot urple."

"Yes.... and there are how many colors normally?"

"Eight. Or weren't you counting octarine?"

"Aah. Sorry, forgot it."

"What speaketh you of?" stated the Sue imperiously. Jay winced.

"We were-eth praising thou's great beauty," stated Acacia in the bad archaic English of the Sue.

She fluffed her long wavy hair, accepting this as her due.

"Hie thee to the feast,"Jay said. Mithril blinked. "That means go-- um, -eth."

The silver-elf-girl slowly walked towards the dining hall. Soon after she had left, a Random Elf came to the room, ostensibly to tell Mithril to come to the feast.

**

"This is my daughter Mithril Starlight many call her the lady of he light." Stated Elrond.

"My Dear Lady on a collapsible crutch! Make the periods go away!"

Jay was frankly traumatized, hearing that grammatical mess come out of her favorite's mouth.

Acacia laughed. "Call the doctors Call the nurses Give me a breath of air I've been reading all your stories but the periods aren't there.."

"Nor the commas, nor the semicolons," Jay appended to the poem.

Acacia grinned. "Okay, the main plot deviation is her keeping Legolas in Rivendell, so we only have to wait until he turns up in the story.. won't be long.."

"Look, there he is. Oh, how sweet, he's pulling out her chair for her." Jay of the morbid curiousity drifted closer to catch their conversation. Acacia, of course, followed.

"Elrond was right to name you Mithril, you are more valuable then gold and you are silver just like it." Legolas whispered in Mithril's ear.

"I thank you, Milord." She said inclining her head a little.

"Please, we've known each other since child hood, call me Legolas." He whispered... quickly?

Acacia thwacked her elven head with some handy silverware to numb the pain.

They kept on like this:

"Why does thou intently gaze upon me as such?" She asked.

"You're beauty and knowledge surpass even Mithril, I think now that I've gotten reaquainted with you." Legolas stated. "She surpasses herself? Or she's smarter than a piece of metal?" Jay blinked. "I'd argue that last point."

Acacia nodded. "While it is not that hard to be brighter than a lump of metal.. I don't think she is.."

"I thank you for your kind words, but thou doth dares to lie in front of thy maiden." Mithril stated, softly this time. The Protectors couldn't help noticing that she was also fidgeting, as if plagued by an itch.

"Lie, you must be jesting. Thy beauty is indescribeable, you are quite breathtaking." Legolas was still stating, and now he was stating "truthfully".

"I wouldst not speaketh so, for thou knows not the confliction in thine heart."

Acacia cringed. "Painful.."

"If thou believes that I care deeply about you, and if I think you care very deeple for me, then wouldst I be wrong to speaketh so?" This time, Legolas managed to ask.

"Deeple? **Deeple**?" Jay blinked. "Oi, we're almost at the end of the fic!"

"Deeple........................." Acacia shuddered repeatedly.

"Thou wouldst speaketh correctly, but thou is still ignorant. For thou must know thine own feelings well, and thou must also know my own." Mithril stated passionately.

"THAT DOES IT!" Acacia stated. "Thou ART, it's thou ART!" She realized she was being stared at.

"This has gone far enough," Jay stated, rising to her feet. "Thou wouldst not speaketh correctly, it seems." This was addressed to Mithril. "But I agree, thou is ignorant." This was met with gasps. Legolas rose.

"Thou doth dares to insult the lady of the Light?"

"We dare to do more than that. Acy, charge her."

Acacia smirked. "With a will. Mithril Starlight-" she snorted derisively- "it is my duty to inform you that you are charged with disrupting the canon by being the OTHER daughter of Elrond, interfering with the characters of Elrond, Arwen, Legolas, Gandalf- Gandalf, m'dear, not Gandlaf- and various Random Elves, wearing self-contradictory clothing and makeup, using a really damn stupid name in defiance of common sense and good taste, really stretching the laws of probability in conjunction with those of genetics with that hair of yours, and keeping Legolas in Rivendell against canon just so he can fall in love with you," she stated, and took a breath because she'd said all that in just one.

Jay nudged her partner. "You missed some." She took her own deep breath, and added "Cruelty to the common comma, wanton and willful ignorance of grammar, the mangling of archaic English, the complete altering of the Elven class system and traditions, and being one of the Suest of Sues I have EVER ENCOUNTERED in THREE YEARS ON THE JOB."

"I dost knoweth not of what thou speaks." The Sue stated haughtily.

"You don't need to," said Acacia sourly, and notched an arrow.

Mithril should have run, or dodged, but she seemed strangely slow-moving. Acacia shot her through the throat.

Legolas jumped towards them, reaching for a bow that wasn't there-- and then, dizzy, sat back down again. Jay walked around the table, calmly slung the corpse over her shoulder, and grabbed a piece of Generic Food to munch on. (After all, even though it was a **banquet** , the Sue had never mentioned eating.) A few elves stood up, looking threatening, but Elrond motioned at them to sit back down.

"So," said Acacia, glad of being able to say things again, "what do we do with **her**?" She considered. "Something in the vicinity of Moria would be poetic justice.."

"Why would it be?"

"Mithril?" said Acacia, smirking.

"Ah. Muahaha," Jay chortled, revelling in the lack of stating. "Don't want to feed her to the baby, it'd die."

"And the Balrog's gone by now.." Acacia shrugged. "We could just toss her down the chasm and have done with it.."

"Yes.." Jay finished her Generic Food, and with her free hand fished around for the remote activator. It was, of course, in the opposite pocket. "Damn. Acacia, please reach under Mithril and grab the activator?"

Acacia did so, and handed it to Jay.

Jay opened the portal, and they stepped into darkness.

**

"Do you have the flashlight?"

There was the thud of a body hitting the floor, and the sound of someone rummaging through a well stuffed sack. A moment later, a dazzling beam of light illuminated the room.

"Arright."

They had arrived just at the now-broken Bridge of Khazad-dum. Without further ado, Jay picked up Mithril and tossed her down the chasm.

Acacia listened to the few thudding noises caused by the Sue hitting the walls on the way down, and smiled. "Shall we get back?" she wondered aloud.

Jay nodded, and opened the last portal. "Wow. That was short."

"As I said; thank gods for small favors."

END

[Jay's A/N: It was short! Thank the deity of your choice, it was short! Oh, what magnificent shortness! Of course, I looked at the author profile, and she's written some dozen stories, all with one chapter...

For an excercise in true badness, I suggest actually reading Mithril. Marvel at the lack of coherence. Truly appreciate the art that is Bad Fic. See the word "stated" more times than "said" and "asked" combined!

And, as always, please read, review, and send us targets.]

[Acacia's A/N: Yes, this was a short chapter, but as Jay said, the fic was shorter still.

Jay recommended rerading Mithril? Read the MST; it's less painful and you'll get the full text anyway. Oh, and the author of the MST, Elfsheen, is making a website to host all the MSTs that are being taken down now that they're banned. If you MST, get in touch with her. Thanks go to the reviewers and the authors who write fics bad enough to be deserving of PPC attention.] 


	12. Gwendolyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Jay sat crosslegged in her seat, looking most uncomfortable.

Acacia was just leaning forward, propping her head up on her arms. This was as uncomfortable as she was about to deliberately be.

[Bip.] The machine had decided to remember its latest volume reduction.

"Well, that's a **start** ," Jay said sourly, unfolding herself.

"Well, I'm **sorry**."

Lines of text scrolled slowly up Jay's screen.

"..did you know that lightning does indeed strike the same place twice?"

Acacia blinked. "Your meaning?"

"And so does badfic," Jay sighed.

"..same author as some other one?"

"Yes indeedy. But THIS time, it's a code 10."

"I hate when that happens," said Acacia sourly.

"I thought Mithril was bad enough." Jay's eyes widened. "WHAT?!"

"What what?"

"The character inserts herself in the Fellowship by saying that NINE IS NOT A LOGICAL NUMBER!"

"The hell?"

"And she made Elrond **agree** with her!" Jay's voice rose steadily in volume until it made things rattle.

Acacia winced. Almost **all** assassins became outright homicidal when their favorite characters were interfered with. She suspected this was deliberate on the part of the Department of Personnel.

"Ooh, look." You could have melted through plate steel with Jay's voice. "She has a magical necklace of Mary Sueness."

"Something for the charge list, then," said Acacia. "Owning a deus-ex-machina-plot-device magical item."

Jay picked up her gear angrily-- then dropped it. "Wait. With that D.E.M Jewelry, how are we supposed to kill her?"

Acacia shrugged. "Take it off her first?"

"Hope it works." Jay picked up her gear again, and paused with a hand over the control panel. "Elves, again? I want to get her as quickly as possible."

"Not something I'm likely to get tired of," said Acacia happily.

"Wish someone'd go to Fangorn. Then we could be Ents."

Acacia shrugged. "It'd be an interesting change, I'll admit.. Shall we go?"

"We shall go."

Acacia smiled. "Then open the portal."

Jay tapped out the coordinates-- a goodly way from Rivendell, because a walk would clear both of their heads.

Acacia picked up her gear, and stepped through. There was a thud as Jay landed heavily behind her.

"Yes, **why** did you set the coordinates to a point two feet in the air, Jay?"

"I like jumping," Jay said simply, demonstrating with an Angry Elven Bunny Hop.

Acacia rolled her eyes, then shrugged. "But I did remember to bring **my** Walkman this time, so." She pulled out a pair of headphones and put them on. "Why does it feel like night today? Something in here's not right today.."

"Cute. But my CDs keep skipping.." Jay stated, already falling under the godawful grammar of the tainted universe.

They walked in silence for a short time. Finally, Jay spoke up. "Don't complain about the coordinates. I could have portalled us to the spoiled brat's house. In England. So we could watch her be heartlessly abandoned by her parents, I shed a tear, on her birthday."

Acacia winced. (The volume was down low enough that she could hear her surroundings.) "Okay, I take it back. I don't want to have to watch Spoiled Brat Angst."

"Or next to the house where someone gives her the magic necklace of Mary Sueness for no reason..." Jay snickered.

"Or that. She probably tried to be Dramatic about it, am I right?"

"Quite so. He said whoever used it had to be... what was it? Brave?"

Acacia glanced at the words for a moment. "And kind. And she said she was as kind as possible, despite the fact she'd just revealed herself as a stalker, broken a window that didn't belong to her, stolen some apples.. oh, and manifested a 'dagger with jewels on it' out of nowhere."

"Oh, yes, the contents of her magical sack...." Jay took a deep breath, and recited, "A couple outfits, pop (diet, regular, and moutain dew), chex mix, chips, candy, the lord of the rings series, her collection of Orlando Bloom and Elijah Wood information, makeup, hair stuff, earrings, a bottle of water that her mother got her from the holy rivers, a dagger with jewels on it, a small tooth brush and thing of tooth paste, a couple of blankets, a pillow, a cute stuffed animal of a donkey (from winnie the poo), gum, and a couple other useful things." Jay had, at this point, run out of air. "Periods!" she wheezed, shortage of breath overriding the urge to "state" it.

"She mucks with the wraiths, too," stated Acacia, then groaned. "Not with the stateds again.."

"Wraiths? Mucks? Wheres?" Jay looked at the words. "Oh. Bugger. The magical necklace of Mary Sueness turned their blades."

Acacia nodded. "So, how long is this before the Council?"

"Several days. Weeks maybe. So says the fic..." Jay groaned. "Why is Elrond using his powers to heal HER? It's not worth it, I swear.."

"And they're speaking **Elvin**. I ask you. No, wait, I state. Damn unimaginative author."

"No, we've got 'Elvish' down here..." Jay closed her eyes and looked ill. "I'm going to portal us ahead to the point at which she crashes the Council. I'm not waiting 'several days.'"

Acacia nodded.

Jay opened a new portal, two feet off the ground (again), and leaped through it.

Acacia, however, understandably expecting that the portal had been opened to the exact same place but a different time, fell over painfully when she went through. "Ow!" she stated.

"'To the point.' That means the time **and** place." Jay ducked behind a pillar just in time to avoid being seen by Gwendolyn as she drifted down to join the Council.

Elrond said something in "Elvin", apparently a totally **different** language from the Elvish used in the canon and the rest of the fic.

"What?" Gwendolyn asked, surprisingly clueless.

"I see that you are arisen." Elrond stated.

"What were you speaking?"

"Elvish." Elrond stated.

Jay whimpered and slumped against a pillar.

"No, it was Elvin," Acacia stated. "Can't they at least not contradict them **selves**?"

"A star shines at the hour of our meeting, lord..." Gwendolyn stated in Elvish, for no apparent reason.

"I am lord Elrond, and this is the secret council to discuss the ring." Elrond stated. Jay broke down into full fledged sobbing.

Acacia patted her on the back. "It'll be okay," she stated.

"That's bloody logical," Jay sniffed through her tears. "A complete **stranger** just asked me what I'm doing. I'll tell her all about my **secret** Council--" her shoulders heaved.

"Don't worry, we'll fix it.." Acacia peered around a pillar again. The Mary Sue, oddly enough, didn't seem to be paying much attention to the Council at all.

Legolas stood up to challenge Boromir with Aragorn's lineage: a fight erupted, and GWENDOLYN stood up to hold back a few angry elves.

Acacia's eyes watered as the Sue put the Ring on her **bracelet** and fastened it around Frodo's neck. Some fanfics can be really optically challenging.

As the nine were assembled, she did something unforgivable.

"I don't see the logic of nine."

"What number do you suggest lady?" Asked Elrond.

Acacia was slightly relieved at the lack of a statement, but Jay cringed at the image of Elrond asking a **complete stranger** for **advice** on something so important.

"If Frodo is going to be in fact fighting the dark lord himself-"

"-which was not in fact proposed at any point in the Council," Acacia stated sourly.

"-then maybe another should go with them and then there would be enough for the nine and the dark lord." Gwendolyn stated. Elrond looked pained, straining to say something. But finally, he was forced to state "Then you shall go."

Jay's hands twitched convulsively into claws... and then reached back to dip into her pack.

"My name is Gwendolyn Elizabeth Huntington, and I am the tenth."

"Must she be so melodramatic?" Acacia asked, using one of the few "asked" taglines available to ease the horribleness of the scene.

"We are the fellowship of the ring." Mary Sue stated happily--

The entire council heard the scream of rage. An elf, a stranger to all of them, stalked out from behind a pillar, her face flaming red, her hands at an even distance from eachother, as if she were holding something.

"ENOUGH. ENOUGH!"

Another elf, only slightly less tall, scrambled out from behind the same pillar, looking faintly startled. "Enough of anything," she stated under her breath, "is far too much.."

"GWENDOLYN. ELIZABETH. HUNTINGTON." The first elf marched up to her, face contorted in anger. "You are hereby charged of fictional tampering by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Stand and hear your charges."

A few elves stood up, looking worried for Gwendolyn's sake.

"Sit down," Elrond stated calmly.

The second elf cleared her throat. "Er. You're charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship of the Ring, manifesting weapons, owning a stupid deus-ex-machina-plot-device-magical-item, causing the Ringwraiths- all nine- to become very unimpressive indeed, making EVERYONE **state** everything.. and I'm sure Jay wants to charge you with the other stuff.."

"For yanking everyone out of character, most ESPECIALLY lord Elrond. For coming to idiotic conclusions and causing others to do so as well. For RUINING the numerical symbology Tolkien established. For carrying large heavy backpacks and calling them light, and otherwise screwing with weights. For screwing with grammar. For not even TRYING to be consistent. For usurping Frodo's symbolic actions. For being, and I stress this-- for BEING A MARY SUE, you are condemned to die!"

Legolas leaped to his feet.

"Hold your temper, prince of Mirkwood," Elrond stated through gritted teeth.

Jay looked obscurely proud. Acacia stepped forward, hit Gwendolyn hard, unclasped the silvery piece of ridiculous jewelry while she was stunned, and picked her up. "What shall we do with this one?"

"You won't do ANYTHING with me!" Gwendolyn shrieked, hammering at Acacia with feet and fists. "Let me down right now! Let me- urk." Jay had wrapped her invisible yarn round her neck and choked her wind off.

Legolas strode towards them, but it really was amazing how quickly Jay could have an arrow notched as an elf. "I recommend sitting back down," she stated.

Legolas, now wavering in and out of character, was slow to respond. "You have no right-"

A portal appeared next to him, and he recoiled. Silently, Jay and Acacia marched through, leaving the Council in disarray.

**

"It's dark again, Jay.."

"And it'll stay dark, I don't want to upset her."

"What her- **oh**. Gotcha."

A faint luminescence appeared down the tunnel, a sort of sickly green.

"She's coming," Jay hissed, and then looked surprised. "Wake, Sue!" She delivered a ringing slap across the girl's face.

Acacia dropped the girl quickly as she began to thrash again. "Let's just leave her," she stated, grinning in the darkness and rummaging the pack the Sue had had strapped to her back until she found the dagger. She turned to the Sue. "You **are** the weakest link," she stated softly. "Goodbye!"

Jay grabbed the backpack, and smiled, the faint light only catching her eyes and teeth-- most unpleasant.

And then they were gone in the click of a portal, leaving Gwendolyn Elizabeth Huntington alone, without weapons or necklace, in the lair of a **very** hungry Shelob.

**

"Do you think that unicorn skin's been lying around long enough?" asked Acacia speculatively.

"I don't doubt it. And we need to get the stuffed head from Lux, too."

" **You** go get the head."

"I said I would." Jay dug in the pilfered pack. "Look-- bottled water. It's 'holy'."

"And she brought this to Middle-earth **why**?"

"It was in her amazingly light pack." Back in something approaching reality, the pack had become quite heavy indeed.

Acacia nodded. "But why did she want to bring it with her? Or am I trying to apply sense to the insensible?"

"The latter." Jay shook it curiously. "I was thinking the SO or the Marquis might like it..."

"Presents for flowers." Acacia smiled faintly. "Have you ever had one of those moments where you suddenly realize how ridiculous your life is?"

Jay blinked. "Nooo?"

"I just had one."

"Ah." There was a pause. "Your life is ridiculous?"

Acacia gave her a skeptical look. "Do you **really** not **get** what I am **saying**?"

"Nope. What's ridiculous about it?"

"Presents for talking flowers?"

"Giving presents to REGULAR flowers wouldn't make sense, now would it?"

"Talking flowers are fairly bizarre in the first place-"

"Says yourself.."

**

"Yes, but bananas don't swim, and that's a basic characteristic of fish!"

"They are exploiting a new niche."

"Fish," said Acacia sourly, "cannot **live** outside of water."

"Starfish can."

"Yes, but those are echinoderms!" The argument had long since passed the point where it had anything at all to do with the original subject.

Jay looked **horrified**. "Then why do they have 'fish' in the name?"

"Because the person who named them apparently thought everything living in water was a fish! Cuttlefish aren't fish either, you know!"

"WHAT? Oh, we're here."

"Here" was Make's-Things lab, current repository for one unicorn pelt and a neurotic inventor.

Acacia opened the door. "'Ello!" she announced, and stepped in.

There was a clatter of tools, and the young man who'd been standing behind a workbench had suddenly disappeared.

Acacia looked insulted. "Oh, come on. Are we **that** scary?"

"Scary? Whatever gave you that idea? I respect you very highly," said the workbench.

Acacia looked slightly mollified. "We're getting the fur we left in here awhile ago."

"Back room. Er... where did you get it, exactly? Just curious..."

"She was one of the Mary Sues. Turned into a unicorn."

"And... you..."

"Not US. Luxury."

"Oh." Implicit in the tone was the implication that the speaker would believe just about anything of Luxury short of her having taken a vow of chastity.

Jay came out of the back room, the pelt draped heavily over one shoulder. "Here. Carry this."

"Arright.." Acacia picked it up and managed to semineatly fold it with one hand and her teeth.

"You're displaying Magical Mary Sue-Like Powers..." Jay glared.

"No, I've just had practice," said Acacia haughtily. "And Mary-Sue-Like Powers are generally a lot more **dignified** than getting a mouthful of fur. It does not taste good."

"Righty. I'm off to get the head; meet you back in the response center." Jay wandered out the door and disappeared.

**

She didn't wait until she'd gotten in the door to start talking. "She even had Sean mount it on a frame, isn't it nice? And he stained it, too, it's going to match the decor really well-"

"What decor?" said Acacia. "Or are we redecorating?"

"We have decor..." Jay motioned vaguely. "There's-- there's-- chairs. And wall, lots of wall. And some console."

Acacia rolled her eyes.

Jay chose point high on the metal wall, and marked it off with a pencil. She stepped back and inspected this. Then, she turned to Acacia and smiled. "Any suggestions?"

"I suggest you take the skin off me and put it wherever you were wanting it to go; I'm tired of holding it."

Jay did, spreading it across the floor like a rug. "Now. Do you have any suggestions on how to mount the head?"

"Never done it before."

"Screws are out of the question. We could ask Makes-Things for a really good magnet.."

Acacia shrugged. "Go ahead. But I'm getting sick of him hiding every time I turn up. I cannot think why he does it."

"Unless you have a better idea, we'll just have to run back."

"I have none. Go ahead."

Jay ran out again. When she scuttled back in five minutes later, she was breathing hard, a circular piece of metal clutched tightly.

"We are going to have the strangest-looking room in all Headquarters," said Acacia mildly.

Jay ignored her, carefully wrapping the wire from the back of plaque around the magnet. She carefully held it up to the wall, which it stuck firmly to.

"It sort of sticks out from the wall," said Acacia dubiously, "but I really can't think of any way to make it work otherwise.."

"I think it looks nice."

Acacia shrugged. "And what should we do with this?" she wondered, holding up the Sue's necklace.

"It'd look nice on the wall, too. And we could use doublesided tape, or a suction hook.."

**

Breathing hard, Jay stood back. "Wow. We have a tacky decorating scheme." It was true: the incredible Deus-Ex-Machina necklace hung opposite the blue stuffed unicorn, which in turn offset the knife proudly showcased on the console.

"I still don't think unicorns should be blue."

"Nope. They really oughtn't. They've been given vampires, werewolves, and talking trees-- and they STILL aren't happy."

"Ungrateful cretins," said Acacia lazily, curling up catlike on the unicorn rug, which was surprisingly comfortable.

Acacia's console started flashing. "Oooh. You don't know the half of it." Jay raised her eyebrows at the screen, and hit the print key.

"What's happened, then?"

Jay handed her the printout silently.

_To the occupants of PPC MS response center F:_

Come to the mail depot and claim your package. Before it sets the depot on fire.

...Please?

-Sincerely,  
L. Otik, Mail Depot

Acacia sat up and yawned. "Less go, then.."

"Goody. I like Otik, he's funny-" Jay dug all the way to the bottom of her pack, finally pulling out two oven mitts and a thick apron.

Acacia attired herself similarly, and they headed out the door.

"Where did you get those? I found these so I could cuddle the mini-Balrogs at OFUM."

"I've been in flame wars."

"Really? I haven't. What are they like?"

Acacia smiled thinly.

**

"We are heeeeere."

"Yes, well, we're **always** here. Where here is just changes," Acacia pointed out rather pedantically.

"Well, here is now the mail depot." Jay stuck her tongue out.

Acacia grinned. "So, what did they want to give us?"

"Dunno." Jay knocked.

_You're here? Are you here? Please be here, please please please.._ the mental echoes sounded adolescent. They also carried the psychic equivalent of a Czechoslavakian accent you could cut with a knife.

"Er.. if 'you' is us, then yes," said Acacia.

The door swung open, revealing a very upset looking.... face... sort of... On further inspection, it was just a piece of wood. Only the egotistical and paranoid subconcious would turn it into a face.

_You're you,_ said the piece of wood. Two wooden tentacles snaked out and yanked the Protectors bodily inside, throwing them towards a large parcel. The parcel was smoking, slightly.

Acacia picked herself up with as much dignity as possible. "You did not need to do that."

_Get it OUT! I'm wearing three coats of industrial varnish!_

Acacia gingerly picked up the parcel. "Why are you so panicked?"

_Do you know how fast varnish burns? Do you?_ The seven-foot entity that was Otik huddled in the corner, every extension pulled as far from the smoldering package as possible.

" **Oh** ," said Acacia, catching on. "So where are we supposed to put it?"

_I... don't know. Roast marshmallows, maybe._

Jay's eyes got an unholy gleam in.

Acacia grinned. "Come on, Jay.. let's get somewhere less flammable with it.."

"What is it?" Jay (a determined non-combatant) asked naively.

Acacia wrapped the package in her apron, and opened the door to go. "Flames."

End

[Acacia's A/N: We've been flamed! ~cheerfully~ See my part-response-part-rant-part-essay in the reviews. Everyone tell us what they think we should do with the flames; we've got several good ideas (Mary Sue cremation, barbecue..) but you can never have too many. And yes, this was by the author of Mithril. Some people don't learn. It was also MSTed by the MSTer of Mithril, and it was funny. Thank you to all the legitimate reviewers, and to the flamers for providing entertainment.]

[Jay's A/N: In my zeal to welcome the long awaited guests of the board, I misspelled the names of both Tolkien (MHRIP) and Camilla Sandman, a writer whom I am not fit to tie the shoes of. (Think I'm over-reacting? Bet YOU'VE never been threatened with GrammarBootCamp.) I also harshly transplanted a stately Czechoslavakian myth-- the Otesanek-- and a dedicated film writer's vision of said myth-- Little Otik-- and used them for my own purposes. For all these things, I apologize.

For not including the names of the authors who originally penned our targets, I apologize, as well. This is basic ettiquette practiced by MSTers.

For co-writing this story, I make no apologies.

And Acy, Mithril's writer never showed up, did she?] 


	13. All Souls Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Jay glared at the smoldering box currently taking up a corner of the response center.

"This is useful."

"Of course," said Acacia, taking no notice of the sarcasm. "We could make a flamethrower to use on Mary Sues. Or take them on missions and light campfires with them when we have to spend the night in the canon. Or have a barbecue, or.."

"Barbecue? That sounds about my speed." Jay grinned. "And they'll be good for heating, of course, and we can put them in lanterns to save the batteries on our flashlights."

Acacia grinned. "See? There **are** plenty of uses for flames.."

**[bip.]**

"..like melting bits of machinery that keep beeping at bad moments."

"At least it's not 'BEEEEEEEEEEP'ing." Jay looked over at the console. "Hey, this doesn't look too bad."

"Oh?"

"Yeah... grammar, decent. I suppose. Stealing lots of parts, but that's not **so** bad." Jay blinked. "Wait a minute. Just saw the 'mysterious violet and silver eyes.' I rescind that." She paused. "What, exactly, is 'soft as midnight?'"

Acacia groaned. "Really stupid descriptions. Gotcha. And **how** can anyone have violet and silver eyes? Unless she's odd-eyed, which I doubt. And anyway no one has silver eyes at **all**."

"Nope. You know, I'd like to see a dumpy, odd-eyed, freckled girl as the inserted character once in a while." Jay's eyes raised, and she unobtrusively moved her hand to cover a bit of the screen. She was resigned to the "second daughter of Elrond" movement, but Acacia hadn't quite become callous to Boromir grabbers.

"So, let's go," said Acacia, sticking the parcel of flames in her pack.

Jay blanked her console. "Yep. Got batteries for your walkman? The dialogue gets a bit weird-" _If I can just keep her from noticing... Hah._

"I think so."

"Yay. We should be orcs this time." Jay peered at the words for a moment. "GREAT LADY MOTHER ON A POPSICLE STICK!!"

"..what?"

"Nothing," Jay said, quickly. "She... er... nothing." _Don't read the chapter titles, don't read the chapter titles, don't read--_

"WHAT??"

"You read the chapter titles, didn't you?"

" **YES**." Acacia glared at Jay. "You might have TOLD me in the first place. Now open the portal."

"But I don't LIKE you when you're homicidal. I mean, indiscriminately so-" Jay opened it quickly, and hopped through.

Acacia stalked through the portal, it closed behind her, and they were in.

**

Jay did her best to walk quietly, padding with care down the path to Rivendell. She just ADORED it, oh, she did, when Acacia was like this.

Acacia wasn't even making the **attempt** to be quiet. Uruk-hai weren't built for stealth anyway.

It was a surreal feeling, really. A pair of orcs wandering around Rivendell looked more like a "What's Wrong With This Picture?" game, yet no one noticed them. But suddenly, Jay saw something. Or rather, couldn't see something.

"HEY!" Acacia yelped as she was dragged behind a pillar.

"Hush!"

"What's going on?" Acacia demanded, in a marginally quieter tone.

"Look at that girl." The elf in question was a very pretty young thing with black hair, and-- no eyes, apparently.

Acacia looked, blinked, looked again, rubbed her eyes, looked again, and blinked again. "Where are her eyes?"

"'Silver and violet.' Don't try to look, it's already giving me a headache. And of course-- that means she can see us."

"Ah," said Acacia. "Oh look! Boromir's arriving.." Her mood seemed to be softening a little now.

The strange-eyed elf looked at Boromir, with a sort of suspiciously innocent look on her face. Elrond came up behind her, and spoke softly. If Jay strained, she could just hear the end of the conversation--

"His name is Boromir of Gondor child."

"Boromir of Gondor," she whispered.

"You would have him steal your affection daughter," Elrond "question".

Boromir locked eyes with the elf, suddenly, and she replied--

"I would have him steal my heart."

Acacia, who had sharp ears and hadn't even needed to pay much attention to hear that exchange, growled dangerously.

Jay looked sickened. Probably at the complete non-grammar that was coming out of Elrond's mouth.

"I get her," said Acacia darkly. "I don't remember whose turn it is and I really don't care. She's mine."

"Yeah. Kinda guessed." Jay stared at the ground. "But-- she keeps Boromir from dying. In fact, that's probably the breach of canon we have to nail her at. And--"

"I know, I **know** , don't you think I **KNOW**?" Acacia snapped. "And thank you so **very** much for reminding me."

"Look, I'm SORRY! Are you sure you don't want to call in another team?"

"Yes."

Jay opened her mouth to say something-- and thought better of it. Her shoulders slumped. "I'm going to listen to music, now. I don't want to hear the Council."

"Well, **I** 'm going," Acacia sniffed. "You know Upstairs gets mad if people leave too many charges off the list. We'd miss a lot."

Jay scowled. "And I **have** to come play damage control. Wonderful."

"Damage?" said Acacia, not even bothering to try and sound innocent.

"You couldn't bother to excercise a MODICUM of restraint during these things?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Acacia sniffed. "If you're coming, let's go."

Jay's usually inane expression twisted into a snarl. "What are you going to do if there's no one to restrain you, and you leap right into the council to kill some Sue? You'll look like a pincusion."

"Not if I kill her first."

"You're too mad to move quickly enough. I've **seen** you. And shall I point to the WHOLE DELEGATE of wood-elves who have their bows with them?"

"Just shut **up**!"

Acacia was depressed. Jay could tell. When Acacia got depressed she got angry, and while Acacia was angry more or less continually, she was angry in a different **way**. Having to live with Acacia for any length of time could make you quite adept at distinguishing between types of pissed-off-ness.

Jay's eyes flared, and one hand raised almost involuntarily, curling into a fist. Of course, in her funk, Acacia was missing was the joyful little pit of anger building up inside her partner.

So. One partner sad and angry. One mad, in both senses of the word. Let's talk Pompeii...

**

"You sent for me Father?" the Sue asked ungrammatically, her voice "echoing like wind chimes".

Boromir looked shocked at this revelation. Elrond, to Jay's fury, looked inanely smug.

"Yes child, I wish you to join us within this meeting, your cool head I believe will come in handy."

Jay sat down heavily behind a pillar, jaw clenched.

The Mary Sue, Aria, blushed adorably and seated herself next to her father, who patted her hand and then in some unstated way began the meeting.

The dutiful little child admittedly "spaced out", but was alert quickly enough to chide Boromir for his interest in the Ring.

"You cannot wield it!" Everyone looked at her (except Jay, holding both hands over her ears), and she continued, "This ring was made for Sauron alone, none can wield it but him! It's evil would engulf you and tear you apart, and Middle-Earth would fall into darkness."

Acacia glared maliciously at her, fists clenching repeatedly. She did not, however, seem actually on the point of losing it just yet.

"I want naught but to hold the power to protect my people," Boromir replied, supposedly "in shock".

Aragorn stood, "What Aria says is true! Not one of us could wield it's power without turning to Sauron and betraying those we love."

"And who are you to say such a thing," Boromir inquired, "You are but a Ranger!"

"Mucking with the **lines**.." growled Acacia.

Legolas' next line was equally cannibalized, coming out as "This is no mere Ranger, He is Aragorn son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur."

The argument broke out on cue, with Aria actually Not Interfering. But then--

"I will take it!" All movement stopped. It was bizarre. No one in the Council so much as blinked until Frodo delivered his next line.

"Though, I do not know the way."

"Then I will guide you," said Gandalf.

The back of Jay's head thudded into the pillar.

Aragorn then stood and said, for **some** reason which the authoress would **love** to hear, "On my life I can protect you - he knelt in front of Frodo - You have my sword."

Then, usurping a Legolas line, Aria said "You have my bow Frodo Baggins, I will protect you."

"And you have my bow also," Legolas said moving over to them.

Acacia groaned, but mentally filed this all under "pathetic and ignorable" until the Sue said-

"Will you ride with us Boromir of Gondor?"

He looked at her hand and then took it, "I will go as well, for if one of each people goes, then one of Gondor should as well."

**

"Untie me!"

"Not on your life." Jay perched gently upon Acacia's prone form, polishing her glasses. They'd hit the dirt at about the same time her nose had.

"Or at least get off me!"

Jay did, and even went so far as to untie her hands. "Here's a tissue. Your nose is bleeding-- I think-- hard to tell on an orc."

Acacia snatched it. "It's **your** fault," she snapped, wiping mud and blood off her face.

Snatches of conversation still drifted over to them-

"Of course," Elrond said, "For we cannot not separate you two, even when Frodo is summoned to a secret council meeting."

"Yes then." Jay's lips thinned, but otherwise, she did not noticeably move.

"Now will you untie me?" Acacia demanded. Despite having her hands free, Acacia did not attempt this herself; the problem with trying to untie Jay's knots was not so much the untying as the trying to figure out which knots were functional and which had merely been tied on the basis that there was unknotted rope around.

"Yes. But if you try that again, I'm going to put you on a leash." Jay smiled, but her heart just wasn't in it. A lot of adrenaline was, though.

Acacia just glared. Fortunately, however, this distracted Jay long enough not to hear Elrond speak "Ten companions, Alright, you will be know and the Fellowship of the Ring."

Jay untied one knot, and the ropes fell away. Acacia glared at her again.

"Council's over," she said shortly. "And I'm tired and want to sleep. I don't think they leave till tomorrow."

"Yes. Do that." Jay had to go observe something painful. Better her then Acacia...

**

"You seem troubled Boromir of Gondor?"

Boromir looked up and, apparently, **allowed** his eyes to widen, there in front of him stood Aria, second daughter of "elrind," with her softly curling black hair, soft as midnight, that fell befow her waist, and mysterious violet and silver eyes, "I-"

"Wish this story would curl up in flames, I do-" Jay interjected, MST-style.

"No, yes," Boromir sighed, "I don't know."

"Tell me."

"I think it's just something on the air, but I stilll fell that we should use the ring against Sauron," He said, meeting her gaze.

She reached up and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear, allowing her hand to come to a rest on his cheek, "But your heart tell's you that our mission is true?"

"No," Boromir replied, "My heart seems to be preocupied, but my soul screams it."

Jay amused herself thinking of Boromir's wandering about screaming. "I'M PREOCCUPIED! I'M PREOCCUPIED!"

"Then the ring is trying to get you to take the ring from Frodo. You must listen to your soul, and your heart Boromir, not the ring. It can not physically harm you, but that does not make it any less dangerous."

"Is it as dangerous as the grammatical content of this story?" Jay was really enjoying talking to herself.

"Then how can I fight it," he question, brown eyes staring into hers.

Jay thanked any deities who were bothering to listen that Acacia was curled up safely asleep, **far** out of earshot.

"With your heart and soul Boromir," Aria was saying, "But you must not take this lightly, I will help you fight it."

"Why?"

"You have a good heart Boromir of Gondor," Aria spoke, "I can see it radiating from within you."

She stood, "Rest now, and I will see you in the morning." With a gentle kiss on his forehead, she turned and glided softly away.

Jay collapsed in a long-legged heap, shaking her head. Finally, she reached into a pocket and pulled out two socks.

"Why, Boromir just question," Mr. Socko said, looking as shocked a sock puppet could.

"I thought he was s'posed to have 'questioned,'" Millie said. 

"It makes my head hurt," Millie said.

"Mine too."

"What about you, Jay?"

"Leave her alone, I think she's upset."

**

It was amazing what a good night's sleep could do for the average homicidal maniac.

Well.. that statement was not a **total** lie. It **was** surprising, but Acacia was by **no** means no longer upset.

Jay hadn't slept, at all. She hadn't even knit. She'd just sat staring into the night, looking grim.

"They're leaving at dawn again," Acacia complained, sounding aggrieved. "Are we following them?"

"Yes. And there's a falcon we'll have to deal with." Jay got painfully to her feet. "If it were only a regular falcon, we could let it go. But NO. It's 'Dark'."

"I hate Cute Animal Friends," said Acacia sourly.

"A regular falcon would even be canonical! Why did she have to be special?! Oh, wait, sorry, stupid question."

Acacia rolled her eyes. "Very. It's like asking why fangirls have to be obsessive, or why Upstairs has to be mean, or why.." she continued in this thread for about five more minutes.

"Oopies, here comes the bird." Jay nocked an arrow. "I don't think I can hit it from this range--"

"So let's get closer."

They sidled into the vicinity of the Fellowship-plus-one. Aria was just descending the stone steps, wearing "a green tunic that was a dark green" but at least didn't contradict itself, to join the canonical Fellowship members. She was greeted by the Hobbits with excitied waves and shouts of hello, Gandalf just nodded and she "recived" a glare from Gimli. Once again the dwarf was left alone.

"It's coming... right... now." It landed on Aria's wrist. "Its name is Kes. What a horrible name to saddle a bird with..."

"I'd have expected a more dramatic name," said Acacia.

"Just a 'watched Voyager, want to show the world' name," Jay said miserably. She **liked** birds of prey. They were pretty. And now she had to kill one.

Mary Sue spoke in Elvish- not saying anything in particular, just speaking- and the bird took off again.

Jay gritted her teeth and loosed the arrow. It caught the bird in the wing, and it fell-- not that the Sue noticed. She'd turned her attention away from it as soon as it left her wrist.

"I swear. I feel like I'm killing Isabeau."

"Who's that?"

"You've never seen LadyHawke?"

Acacia shrugged. "I dimly remember seeing it once, and thinking it was really soppy."

"Right, then. Broderick movies are always soppy." Jay looked like she was about to cry-- a singular expression, on an orc.

Acacia either didn't notice or didn't care. She set off following the Fellowship, and Jay had either to follow or be left behind.

Jay considered this for a moment. And then marched away in a different direction.

**

"Fool of a Took!"

Pippin, who hadn't dome anything to warrant this outbust from Gandalf, hid behind Boromir. Acacia, who didn't like loud sudden noises, jumped approximately a foot in the air at the unexpected exclamation.

"Hush- I hear something in the bushes," Aria said, shushing the Fellowship.

Acacia swore inwardly and hid slightly further away from the clearing.

Aria searched in an extremely perfunctory way, merely looking around. Apparently she hadn't had much practice looking for things.

When she found nothing, Gandalf said "We'll stop here," to the entire group and promptly sat "daown" on a large boulder. In fact, as he promptly sat daown on a large boulder Sam and Aragorn began a fire, Legolas climbed the rock to the top to keep a llok out and Gimli walked off grumbling. Boromir began to teach Merry and Pippin how to use their Hobbit sized swords and Aria sat down next to Frodo oon rock on which he'd collapsed.

The lack of commas was impressive.

"You are troubled Frodo."

It was a staement, not a question or, apparently, a statement. It also caught him "offguard".

"I - well. I feel so weighted."

"I just really don't want to hear this," Acacia muttered to herself.

The situation called for commiseration, and shared pain. Perhaps a few nasty jabs. However, there was no such cameraderie-- and for the first time, Acacia noticed something.

_Where's Jay?_ she wondered. _Doesn't she **know** we're not supposed to get separated?_ The flake had probably wandered off around-- _wait, when WAS the last time I saw her?_

It was entirely possible it had been at **any** time since leaving Rivendell. This had been an undefined amount of time characterized by nonevents, so Acacia was more than a little disoriented and didn't know what time it was, and could only assume they were in Hollin.

This tentative hypothesis was born out when Legolas started shouting about "spy birds." Aria froze for no apparent reason, and Boromir had to drag her into some bushes.

Aria silently thanked Boromir as they climbed out of the bushes. Having suddenly acquired mind-reading skills, he nodded in reply.

Acacia groaned. But quietly. Then she cringed as Gandalf spoke, "So our path south has been watched. We have no chice but to take the pass of garadas (????)."

"Garadas," she muttered, in pain. "Dammit, do these people even **try** to get it right?"

"Nope."

Acacia jumped, and turned around quickly. She hadn't heard anyone behind her. "Oh. It's you."

"Yep," Jay said. "I have an idea."

"Oh?"

A annoyed looking black head popped out of Jay's pack. "This is Kes. Kes, meet Acacia."

Acacia blinked. "You kept the bird?"

"She's only winged. She might even recover," Jay said, letting the bird chew irately on a finger. "She's only one of a LOT of innocent Cute Animal Friends that really don't deserve to die. We should start a rescue society at Headquarters."

"You're too sentimental for this job, Jay," sighed Acacia.

"Look, they're **plot devices** that the authors deal with **once**! They practically sign the death warrants for all of their 'Cute Animal Friends' so they can look impressive!"

"Fine," said Acacia shortly. "I'm not arguing with you." She knew full well that this was **possibly** the most annoying thing anyone could say.

"Good." Jay looked relieved. "And the first item on the agenda shall be-- renaming."

"Do it yourself; I'm not having anything to do with a scheme to rescue Sues' pets. Do you know how long it's been since they left Rivendell? I think I got caught in a Temporal/Spatial Distortion."

"No. And you didn't seem to mind Alice overly much." Jay frowned at her. "They went this way, is it so?"

"Yeah..?"

"Then let **us** go this way."

**

Acacia, as has been said before, hated the cold. She especially hated having to walk long distances in the cold, especially through snow.

"Here. Take this." Jay handed her a small thermos that was radiating heat. "It'll keep your hands warm. Help your circulation, too."

Acacia blinked. "O..kay.." She clasped the thermos. It did seem to work. Jay didn't seem to need it. Jay, in fact, was sweating, and wearing two layers of jacketry tied around her waist.

Acacia didn't wonder too much how this was possible. Everyone knew Jay was insane. (She might have been interested to know that insanity had nothing to do with it. The same trick of genetics that made Jay short of breath also made her very, VERY, hot by nature. It was not unakin to the reason Acacia wasn't over-hot in the Sammath Naur.)

"So what's in the thermos?"

"A flame. Don't open it, I put the electric purple one in there."

Acacia groaned. "Don't you just hate the many colors of fangirl-flame?"

"Yes. Ah-- watch for falling hobbits-"

Acacia did. Suddenly Frodo fell, rolling down the hillside, Aragorn stopped him and put him back on his feet. Boromir picked up the ring.

"Give the ring to Frodo," Aragorn said.

"It is amazing that such a little thing, could cause such a disturbance..." Acacia actually **whimpered**.

Aria moved down the slope fast and plced a hand on Boromir's shoulder. He broke out of the trnce he seemed to be in and looked at her as she spoke, "Give the ring to Frodo, Boromir."

"Maybe the "a" key on her keyboard is broken," Jay suggested, hiding behind a snowdrift.

Acacia snarled. She didn't snarl anything in particular- just snarled, like an angry cat.

"Very good expression. It matches your face."

"Skrreeet."

"See? Kes agrees." Jay patted her. "Just wait. It gets better."

"Difficult," said Acacia sourly, "to get much worse."

Jay actually laughed. "When Saruman drops the snow on their heads... did you know it was so deep she had to SWIM to the top?"

Acacia half-sat, half-collapsed. "Swim? What, does she melt it first?"

"It is possible to swim through snow, if it's moving. And, to give her credit, she 'practically swam'. However..."

"This is just pathetic. I don't **want** to wait, I want to kill her," Acacia whined.

"We CAN'T."

"But she's screwed with canon plenty enough! She's joined the Fellowship already, that's enough for plenty of them-"

"I'm sorry. I am. And may I point out that YOU were the one who wanted to walk up 'Garadas.'"

"I wasn't! YOU said 'let us go this way..'"

"I didn't mean follow them all the way up the damn mountain!" They were talking in hushed voices so as not to attract attention: after all, they were awfully close to the fellowship.

Too close.

"He's going to bring down the mountain," Aragorn yelled and suddenly lightning sturck the mountain, cause snow to fall of and bury the group beneath it. And the two assassins.

There was a lot of snow. A LOT of snow. It was far above head-height, even for Jay-- more then there had EVER been, canonically.

"Cold!" gasped Acacia as she burrowed out of it upwards. "Veryverycold!"

The snow around her seemed to be-- melting? Jay appeared in a sudden pocket of air, holding a bright green flame maelevolently burning in a thermos cup.

"Very useful, I can see.." said Acacia, shivering and clasping her flame thermos tightly.

"We have to get out of the way, FAST. They're turning around, right now-"

Acacia scrambled through the snow and hid behind a conveniently placed rock. (It was a mountain. There were rocks everywhere, including convenient places.)

Jay popped up next to her, dumping the flame back in its thermos. "I'm cold."

Acacia handed the thermos to Jay, and unpacked the parcel of flames she'd brought. It was just as hot as ever in this cold.

"Let's get moving again. Aria feels the need to beat up the baby a bit-- oops, Kes is supposed to be there. Oh, well."

Acacia winced. "We should have checked the words before we shot it.."

"We shouldn't have shot it at all."

" **Skrrreee.** " The falcon sounded quite emphatic.

"At any rate, if she can't see it, she'll hear her. Please?" This last was directed at the falcon.

Acacia sighed. "You are talking to a bird."

"It's the pet of a Sue. They're intelligent. After all, this one can even understand 'Kenltra morich aradai!'"

"Which can't be any **kind** of Elvish," Acacia said sourly, "they don't stick odd letter combinations like 'nltr' in words and expect them to be pronounced.."

"Yes. It understands Sue Elvish! It could be a very valuable translator-"

"Good point.." said Acacia. "Can we get off this mountain now?"

"The portal awaits." Jay carefully placed the rather ruffled Kes on a shoulder, and fumbled through her pack for the activator. "All right, NOW it awaits."

Acacia stepped through, and it was dark, except for a faint multicolored incandescence from the flame parcel.

Jay found a mostly intact spear on the floor, out of the way, and empaled a flame on it. "Oops, I know which flame this is..."

"Which one?"

"Actually, I lie. I don't remember the name. But empaled-- I remember that." Jay concentrated harder, and managed to **impale** the flame. "There. Torch."

Acacia took the spear, and looked around. "Just inside the gates, then?"

"Yep. They'll be in in a minute."

Outside, Pippin tossed a rock into the water. A soft splash filled the air and ripples ran over the water like a giant shock wave.

"Mucking with acoustics. Charge sheet. And how would an elf know about shock waves...?"

"She wouldn't," said Acacia simply.

"Lovely." Jay glanced at the words. "Argue... argue... argue, five, four, three, two--" She grabbed the torch, shoved it point first into a corner, and pulled Acacia well out of sight.

The doors opened wide and the group entered as Gimli ranted about the 'fabled hospitality of the Dwarves'. Aria entered last, bow trained on the water, back to the group.

"This is not mine," Boromir said, "It's a tomb."

Acacia just groaned resignedly.

"Nope, not yours," Jay said with vague sarcasm.

"Orcs!" Legolas said. The fellowship backed out warily.

Jay held up five fingers. Then she put one down. Then another. _two-- now._

"Frodo!"

"Aragorn!!!"

"Multiple exclamation marks are the sign of a diseased mind," announced Acacia.

"And that's Frodo, too."

Aria aimed, but could not get a clear shot from inside, she sped out of the door and onto a large rock as Aragorn and Boromir splashed into the water, chopping at the tentacles. She aimed and fired. Her aim proved true and the monster screamed in pain, retracting the tentacle even as it reached for Aragorn. Inside, Jay winced in sympathy.

Acacia, while not normally a comforting kind of person, patted Jay's hand vaguely.

The trio retreated from the water into the caves. Aria went to follow but grabbed another arrow as the creature went after them again, Legolas was faster though and loosed an arrow that had already been aimed at the creature. Aria leap from the rock she knelt on and ran into the caves. Jay tapped gently at her pack. "Come on, it's your cue-"

Kes responded with a rather bored shriek. The Sue didn't notice that it was coming from inside the cave, and called out, "Kenltra morich aradai!" (This, in some language that was NOT Elvish, was supposed to mean "wait on the other side.") The bird screamed again. It sounded forced, to Acacia's ears, but at least the Sue wouldn't notice anything wrong.

Aria put her bow away as Gandalf fit a crystal into his staff and lit up their path, speaking, "We have no chice now but to face the deep dark of Moria."

"Oi vey." Jay stuck out her tongue, pretending to gag.

"Careful, it is a four day journey to the other side, let us hope that our presence goes unnoticed."

"What, in **this** world?" Acacia laughed under her breath. She glanced at the words. "Awwwwww, ish Mary Sue afwaid of the daaaaark..?"

"If there was anything she hated more than anything, it was the dark," Jay read with a straight face. "Uh-oh, sappy moment coming up."

Acacia groaned. That could really only mean one thing.

**

Gandalf led them through the mines and they made camp for the first night in a safe nook, they dared not chance a fire as the Hobbits huddled together.

"Do not step in run-on sentences.."

"Thank you, I'll try not to."

"She's been dropping them like... droppable things. Bah."

The fellowship was resting, and Aria had sat down (of course) next to Boromir. He spoke, "It is getting harder for me to ingnore, to fight."

"I'm **not** watching this," said Acacia shortly. "I'm going for a walk. I'll be on the Bridge, come tell me when it's over."

"Great." Jay was too far away to really hear, but she could watch the words.

He looked to worn, and older somehow that Aria could not bear it, she removed a silver chain from around her neck and the light from Gandalf's staff showed a crystal amethyst glimmering in the light. Boromir looked at her as she spoke, "This was a gift to me from my mother, it will bring you strength when you need it, and hope when all seems lost."

She fashioned it around his neck and he smiled at her, tucking the gem under his tunic. He sighed again and Aria placed her hand in his. Giving him silent comfort.

"From run-ons to fragments. How versatile." She crept away to the Bridge, calling softly, "Acy! It's over!"

Acacia was already slightly too far away to hear. (She didn't generally move that fast, but she'd learned how to travel by plot hole. If they could get the Fellowship from Rivendell to Hollin in a day's walk, they could get Acacia to the Bridge of Khazad-dum within moments.) Jay spotted the bright blue flame she was using to light up the area so as not to trip over things or, worse, fall off the bridge, only because there was no other light.

"Acy..." Jay brought out another flame, and carefully maneuvered her way down. "Acy, come on."

"Huh?" Acacia turned around, holding up the jar containing the flame. (That was one major advantage of flames over ordinary fire. They kept going without air.) "Oh. Is it over, then, or did you just want to leave because it was getting worse?"

"Over. Gifts dispensed. You know, **I** wrote a Sue in my younger days that carried around a hunk of rock crystal on a necklace. She got sent to the big recycling bin in the sky."

"She gave him jewelry?"

"Amethyst pendant."

Acacia sighed.

"Come along, we'll miss Aria being threatening at Gollum."

"And we wouldn't want to miss that, would we?" said Acacia, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Jay heaved a sigh. "Yes, we would. But we can't. Oh, this is getting on my nerves."

" **Your** nerves?!"

"Yes, MY nerves. And you aren't helping, my friend!"

Acacia glared. "We haven't had **any** Sues so far for Elrond, so you **hardly** have room to complain."

"Like they don't screw with his character? Like you don't act like a flaming bitch whenever one of them's after Boromir?"

"And they're *never* after Elrond, so don't complain."

"It'd be a nice damn change, you know. Maybe then you wouldn't throw yourself facefirst into a circle of armed elves," Jay said, her tone getting quite hostile.

"Yes, it **would** be a nice change! You're complaining about **me** , let's see how **you** deal with it!"

"Better than YOU. You're obsessed, don't think the entire rest of Headquarters doesn't know."

"So **what**? Half of Headquarters have their **own** obsessions, you know!"

"You think I wasn't taking that into account? You're worse than the lot!" Jay shook her head angrily. "It doesn't matter. There's no point."

Acacia growled, low in her throat. She began to say something, seemed to think better of it, and simply turned on her heel and stalked away over the bridge.

"Acacia, where are you going?"

Acacia didn't answer.

"Damnit, Acacia! She's about to blow a dozen more lines! ACACIA!"

Acacia spun. "Then **you** can deal with it!"

"Oh, YES! Have a bloody TEMPER TANTRUM because she's feeling up Boromir!" Jay was too angry to chase after her partner. She just stood, fists clenched, as Acacia disappeared into the gloom.

**

"She bloody wants to be an infant? She **can**. And she can have LOVELY fun wandering around this DAMNED world, with the endless supply of the damn, damn, **DAMN** Mary Sues..."

Jay kicked at a pebble angrily. It skittered along the passage. "The fight's about to begin," she said to no one in particular, there being no one to hear it.

The fight passed almost in a blink, although she was startled when "Gimli breather her shock, 'Mithril...'" She wasn't sure what the author had been meaning to say, but what HAPPENED was that Gimli spoke in a breathy-shocked-Aria voice.

Jay didn't have much time to muse over this, or resent Aria's arrow through the troll's throat, overshadowing Legolas something awful. The fic was moving at it's schizophrenic pace, and she had to keep up.

There was a wrenching shift as the author went blithely into Movieverse, quoting blow by blow the events on the stairs, though usurping Aragorn's "Lean Forward." It wasn't a major line, but the Protector still resented it.

Another short paragraph, and Gandalf was gone, and everyone was running.

And Jay was on the wrong side of the bridge.

**

Acacia sighed. It was impossible to tell time accurately down here, particularly with a Mary Sue around, but it was probably nighttime, judging by the fact that she was more than a little tired. She crossed over to a niche in the wall and curled up there, using the flame parcel as a pillow. This was not the brightest move she could have made, but she didn't have anything else to use.

She didn't sleep well. At all. When she woke up the next morning, she looked around-- and realized that she was quite lost.

She swore virulently under her breath- sleeping on stone does not do much for one's attitude upon waking- and stretched out catlike, trying to get rid of the various aches caused by a bad indeterminate-time's sleep. It didn't work very well.

Grumbling, she took stock of her situation. She'd left her pack with Jay's, having fully expected to return there once the sap scene was over. _So. Lost in the Mines of Moria, assets: one really big bow and a bunch of arrows, a parcel of flames, some paperclips and pencil stubs and similarly useless odds and ends in my pockets, and a half-finished bag of M &Ms.._ Obstacle: she was lost. In Moria. Without a map.

It wasn't fear, exactly, but a sort of niggling worry. Jay had the portal device, and all the food. She might be stuck in Moria for quite a while.

Her musings were interupted by a voice.

"Acacia? Acaciaaaaaaaaa..."

"Jay? Where did **you** come from?" It was a stupid thing to say, but it was the first thing to pop into her mind.

"I portalled back to Headquarters, and came back on the right side of the bridge. Then I just sort of... wandered about until I found you."

Acacia gave her a sideways look. "And how long ago was this?"

"Less than an hour, more than five minutes?" Jay looked helpless. She had no more time sense than Acacia.

"So, random wandering for under an hour, and you managed to find me?" Acacia snorted derisively. "Right."

"Oh, I should have gotten incredibly lost, it's true. But I had help." The bird formerly known as Kes poked her head out of Jay's pack, holding a former target's Deus ex Machina necklace.

"That's cheating, Jay.."

"I could have just portaled out of the Mines without you. I could even leave right now, if you'd like."

"Give me a map and I'll be just fine with that," snapped Acacia.

"I don't have one," Jay said cheerfully. "We're leaving now. Want to come?"

Acacia sighed. "I don't see much choice, unless I want to be stuck down here forever, which I don't.."

Jay patted her on the arm, then opened a portal. "Don't go through. Upstairs will be mad enough as is that I went back in the first place." She took the necklace, and tossed it through the portal. She hit another button, and the portal flickered. "Now we can go through."

Acacia picked up the flame parcel and stepped through the portal. "Damn I hurt.. memo to me, never sleep on rock again.."

"Sorry." Jay looked more chipper. **She'd** had the sleeping bags. Both of them. And probably used them both.

Acacia sighed and looked around.

"Oh, my. You're going to want to hear this--" The Fellowship had had a head start, and were already deep in Lothlorien.

"Hear what?"

"Nine companions yet ten there were, tell me, where is Gandalf, for I would very much like to speak with him?"

None of them answered Celeborn because Galadriel did it for them, "He has fallen in the shadow..."

Acacia almost laughed at that. She **did** when she looked a little while back into the words and noticed "Hadlir".

"Poor Miss Cam. More mini-Balrogs than she knows what to do with."

"Why 'poor'?" Acacia wondered. "She wants to make an army of mini-Balrogs, I don't think she'll have any staffing problems anytime soon.."

"She'll have some surplus when everyone graduates and takes them along."

"So?"

Jay shrugged. "Maybe some of the worse ones could take two."

**

Aria stood watching the leaves fall and brushed a hand over the pale silver gown that she wore, her hair had been let down and it framed her face. A soft footfall made her look up and watch as Galadriel walked foreward.

"You are troubled Aria, why?"

"I," Aria sighed, "Grandmother, I feel so confused."

"Why," Galadriel questioned, "You love him do you not?"

"I'm confused, too. Mostly by the grammar," Jay said.

"Yes, it's just-"

"That I'm an idiotic shallow fluffy wench with an IQ of four?" Acacia suggested.

Jay's eyes widened. "Anyone else having Mystery Science Theatre flashbacks?"

"Not exactly flashbacks, but I know what you mean."

Galadriel hugged her granddaughter close and spoke, "Ariuella Shadowfox, you are named for your mother...."

"Bet Celebrían would be surprised to learn **that** ," muttered Jay.

"I really hope her mother was not a fox. That would be rather disturbing."

"Oy. One more incredibly compressed chapter, and she dies.." Jay repeated this comforting mantra to herself quietly.

Aria sighed and returned Galadriel's hug, "I don't know what I'd do without you Grandmother."

"Go, find him and tell him your heart. I will see you at dinner."

Acacia scowled. "How exactly does one **tell** \- I'm trying to apply sense again, aren't I?"

"-incredibly compressed chapter, and she dies. One more-- oh. Sorry. Yes, trying to apply sense is silly..."

The Protectors slipped away, too pained to listen to Galadriel's grandmotherly speech.

The next shock came that evening, just before dinner.

**

Even looking at Aria was difficult and hurt their eyes; she was "staning" in "shining gerys", whatever that meant.

Jay had both hands pressed tightly over her eyes. "We've got enough charges already to justify killing a Maia. Let's leeeeave.."

Acacia was only too happy to agree; it looked like another sap scene was beginning.

"All they do is kiss for a while. And Boromir talks about her 'stealing his heart and not giving it back'."

Acacia snarled.

"Repeat after me. One more incredibly condensed chapter-"

"I KNOW!"

"It will make you feel better."

Acacia sighed. "Okay, okay, **fine**. 'One more incredibly condensed chapter..'"

**

"Why is she whining about the boats? **I** wouldn't whine about being in those cool boats.."

"And she's separated Merry and Pippin," said Acacia sourly, "just so she can be in the same boat with Boromir. Does that work? **I** thought they were inseparable.."

"How should I know? They eat out of her hand, anyway, there's not a thing they wouldn't do for her."

"And she's misspelled her own name. Aira?"

"A mini-Sue-Balrog?"

"Dear gods, I hope not."

"Hey!" Jay's mood brightened in all of an instant. Merry and Pippin were pretending to be Boromir and Aria. It was pretty funny-- Merry, doing Aria's voice, was amazingly accurate.

Finally they seemed to get to the Sue. "That's it," Aria screamed, "If you two don't sit down and shut up I'm sorry to say that I will kill you and then swim the rest of the way to our destination!"

It startled everyone. She apologized immediately.

"She's got a character flaw. How nice," Jay commented. "Look, I have a bad temper, I am NOT a Mary Sue."

"Half the Sues we've had so far have had bad tempers. Remember Alexis?"

"Yes. Although, it is quite valiant of them to try and tone down their perfect characters."

Acacia snorted derisively. "No, they just don't want to seem like pushovers."

"Remember warrior-Sue?"

"Which one?"

"Wonder woman."

"Akasha?"

"Dat's der bunny."

"No I think we're sorry Aria," Merry said, "Maybe we got a little carried away."

"A little," Boromir snorted, "I think you went over the edge and fell to your doom a long time ago."

Acacia flinched, but just said "You know, my dad sometimes says 'don't get carried away or you will be..'"

"Metted mixaphors! Whee!"

They were on the right side of the river, fortunately, and waited quietly as everyone disembarked, and made camp. It didn't take long.

Aria walked away aimlessly-- only slightly stupid, really. There was the odd slowed-down/speeded-up sensation of time that was being skipped over as camp was made.

Aria was still walking in a random direction. Time made a final, desperate wrench, and the Horn of Gondor sounded.

Acacia sighed resignedly, and headed in the direction the sound came from. The Sue would be going there as well. In fact, despite the fact that she'd been walking in the opposite direction for the best part of a half an hour, she was already there.

"Crunch time," Jay said, lungs heaving as she jogged towards the fight.

Acacia moved at a more leisurely pace, making use of the many and varied plot holes Aria had left lying around.

**

Boromir had been shot once by the time they arrived, and Aria was dramatically drawing back her bow to shoot the orc commander.

She hit it in the arm, and it dropped its bow. She shot it again, in the side, then drew a sword and went to rescue Merry and Pippin. Then Aragorn arrived to have a "batte" with the orc.

"Now?" Jay panted.

Acacia, in answer, simply hissed like a cat and strung her bow.

"Oh, hang a minute." Aria was rescuing the hobbits, and couldn't see her-- Jay ducked through the melee, swiping weapons first from the orcs, and then from the Fellowship. They blinked as their weapons were ripped from their grasp, but Jay was gone by the time they looked around.

Acacia was about to stomp out, but then something seemed to occur to her. She opened the flame parcel and selected a particularly vitriolic and badly-spelled one in vivid fuschia. She put it in a jar, careful not to touch it directly because flames were very hot. Then she stomped out.

"Ariuella Shadowfox," she began, taking a deep breath, "you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, messing around with the characters of just about everyone but especially Boromir purely to appease your hormones, altering the plot completely just to suit yourself, preventing.. preventing several important canonical events.. such as the death of Boromir and the capture of Merry and Pippin, distributing jewelry, being the other daughter of Elrond, having contradictory eyes, using horrid metaphors to describe your hair and voice, stealing canonicals' lines, cannibalizing the lines you **did** let them say, having to **invite** Boromir into the Fellowship, upstaging canonical characters, having horrible grammar and spelling, changing Celebrían's name, separating Merry and Pippin, having a Cute Animal Friend and giving it a dumb name and neglecting it, massacring the Elvish language, massacring the English language, omitting punctuation where it's really needed, causing more snow than in both canons combined, creating mini-Balrogs, mucking with acoustics, knowing about shock waves, doing horrible sap scenes, and conspiracy to confer immortality on a mortal." She took another deep breath. "Sorry, you don't get last words. Jay, hold her still.."

"She gets last words. Do you have last words?" Jay gripped her tightly by the wrists.

"If I don't help Boromir, he'll die!" Aria shrieked. Acacia flinched.

Jay squeezed Aria's wrists tighter. "We know."

"I don't.. want to hear about it," said Acacia, in strained tones. Then she smashed the flame jar over Aria's head.

Jay leaped back, alarmed. "OW!"

"Sorry," said Acacia, not sounding very sorry at all.

"Jeez. That's not pretty. I've had better mental images from reading Medea."

"She deserves it."

(Due to the graphic nature of this scene, description will not be given. Instead, we suggest you look up the words "immolate", "char", and "cremate.")

Pretty soon the Mary Sue was.. gone. The scene began to flicker in and out of canon; while the main perpetrator was quite definitely dead- nothing resembling her remains ought to be alive- connected uncanonicals were still around. Acacia went and knelt next to Boromir and took away the amethyst pendant.

"Now can we get out of here with the bird?" she demanded harshly.

Boromir, still conscious, stared at Jay dazedly. Acacia had practically hurled herself through the portal.

"She's really sorry," Jay said sadly as she kicked apart the ashes of Aria who was. Aragorn came crashing (again) through the thicket to take on the orc commander, and Jay leaped through the portal.

**

Acacia was slouched in her chair, staring at the wall.

"Acacia? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." Jay dropped onto the floor next to her, leaning against the console. "Is there anything I can do?"

"You can shut up and leave me alone."

Jay did that, leaning her head against the console. The silence, as it stretched, began to bother her. She brought out her earphones, quite underused this trip, and put on some mood music. With their complete and utter discomfort, it was possible that they might never get an alarm.

END

[Jay's A/N: Welcome, gentle and not so gentle readers! You are about to be subjected to the second longest author's note I have ever seen. The first may be found at http://mstings.tripod.com/LQ1.htm ...or at least the msting of it. 3 page author's notes need msted.

The sheer egotistical decadance of this fic was what made it so VERY, VERY, bad. Don't worry, the next one is worse. *shudders* Much, much, worse. OOOh, the worseness...

Now, I've FINALLY compiled a list of PPC spinoffs. Go me!

The Last Word is Always Goodbye: by AnyAmy -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=733570

LotR: The Mary-Sue Menace: by Queen of the Damned (well, inspired by us, at any rate.) -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=715336

Freedom's Just Another Word . . . by Black Katana -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=627968

The Floater: by NytBloomer -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=699353

PPC - The enterprise expands: by KazraGirl -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=653198

Intelligence Briefs for the PPC: by Architeuthis -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=642406 (featuring a wonderful description of Mary Sues.)

Agents R and... Another R: by Robyn -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=696601

Protectors of the Plot Continuum- New Recruits: by SilentStep -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=736896  
(Millie the sockpuppet would like it to be known that she would NEVER behave in such a fashion.)

Taken far too literally: by Grey Lady Bast -- http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=602168

PPC: The long, painful day of Anna Maria: by kezya -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=697658

Protectors of the Plot Continuum: The New Kids: by Sakira Kage -- http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=701665

\---Winterfox would also like it to be known that she has created an unnofficial FF.net board (http://pub37.ezboard.com/bffnetunofficialforum). It has a MST forum! Go there!

\--Also visit the new MST site created to house some of the MSTs tossed off of FF.net, at http://mstings.tripod.com

\--While we're at it, why not go see the Marquis de Sod, the original inspiration for the planty directors? http://www.deviantart.com/deviation.php?id=202685

Thus ends the second longest author's note I know of.]

[Acacia's A/N: I hate Aria. I hate her. I hate her. ~sigh~ I don't have much else to say, really..]

[Jay's Other A/N: Poor Acacia. PLEASE, somebody send us a Sue that goes after Elrond? Just so she can feel vindicated and **I** can be tortured?]


	14. Sisterhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

It was not, in the event, the Universal Laws of Comedy that caused the alarm to sound, but the simple fact that **no** assassins got off-time these days. Jay and Acacia had gotten more than most, owing to the fact that some idiot from the Department of Psychology had insisted on taking Acacia off for a while. He was beaned with a sandal, since you ask. Acacia now had one bare foot, because he had refused to give it back.

"It's a code 18. Is that a fluke?"

Acacia blinked. The designations of the number codes was different between Departments and sections, thus making life even **more** hellishly difficult, but in the Department of Mary Sues' Lord of the Rings section, there were only nine defined ones- anything higher meant the number of members in the Fellowship when the Mary Sue(s) was/were finished with it. "Are you sure you read it right?"

"Yes." Jay peered at the screen again. "AAAAAAAGH!!!!" She hurled herself across the room, trailing exclamation marks.

"Is it that bad?"

Jay just whimpered.

"If you want, I can get you that guy from the Shrink Department. Although he'll probably suspect an ambush."

"Make it stoooooop."

"Okay, let's," said Acacia mildly, picking up her bow. "What shall we be?"

"Anything. Anything at all, this is so out of canon it's not canon anymore.."

Acacia headed over to look at Jay's screen. "It's that b- oh dear gods.."

"Let's be Ents... or, or, or... or Maiar. Or Melkor! I can be Melkor, and you can be mini-Melkor. Or you can be Melkor and I can be Sauron. Or Ungoliant and Shelob!"

"I don't think we can **be** specific, named characters, Jay.."

"Phoo." Jay slumped. "We could be random Maiar, then... Lief the Green, Corvid the Plaid?"

Acacia covered her face with her hands. "Explain yourself."

"You are no fun. Not at all. Oliphaunts?"

"Can they even talk?"

"Weeeell..." Jay pouted. "I don't know why I bother.. We could be mini-Balrogs."

"Those aren't canonical, they turned up in an author fic." Acacia considered. "Random Maiar is the best idea of all the ones you've had, actually.."

"It's not as if we'd be out of place."

"Right." Acacia winced, remembering the single sentence she'd seen on the screen. "I mean, an **elf** from the **sky**? **How**?"

"Fell? That's a nice mental image."

"Yes, but even elves splash if you drop them from high enough. Wasn't it that half-elf-half-wizard we dropped off Orthanc? Gandalf's and Galadriel's daughter? **She** splatted.."

"Yes. But it's STILL a nice mental image."

"Even more so." Acacia grinned.

"So. Random Maiar?"

"Sure."

"Would you like to be Ole the Yeller or Lief the Green?"

"All Maiar aren't wizards, you know," Acacia said.

"But that'd be more FUN... oh, spoil it, why don't you?" Jay tapped idly at the keys. "So, whose do you want to be?"

"This'll be fun.. pity all these Sues are likely to spoil it.." Acacia considered. "Tulkas, possibly? No, Nienna.."

"Okay. I'm going to be Ulmo's."

"Fun.."

"What shall we look like?"

"We can decide that when we get there." Acacia grinned.

"Hooray!" Jay coded a new setting into the console, and hopped through the portal.

Acacia picked up her gear, and stepped through. It promptly fell to the ground when she lost her corporeal form.

"Whoops," said a minor swirl of dust next to her.

"It's fine, Jay, we can just incarnate."

"Okay. Ahem. I am a Scotsman in a brightly colored tartan." The swirl of dust became a Scotsman in a tartan of unspeakable color combination. "And I am holding my magic bagpipes."

"And **why** do you look like that?" wondered Acacia, who now appeared to be an elf-maiden in a grey hooded cloak and was gathering her gear back up.

"Fun?" Jay sighed. "Fun, but noticable." She concentrated: the tartan muted, was covered by a cloak (which, should you look closely, was dull plaid,) and the bagpipes became a walking staff (with a suspiciously plaidlike woodgrain.)

Acacia picked up her gear, which was oddly easy to carry now. She looked around. "Rivendell again."

"Of course. The Fellowship should just be setting out, and then.." The Scotsman shuddered. "They meet."

"This was a good idea," said Acacia unconcernedly. "I mean, nine of them?"

"Niiiiine. They've already disrupted canon most exceedingly-- we have to wait until they disrupt it more. Stupid rules."

Acacia gave the words a brief glance. (Jay was lucky it was brief. She might have noticed specifics and become unliveable-with otherwise.) "Do you know she skips out **everything** between Rivendell and Lorien?"

"WHAT?"

"Every single thing. And when they arrive, I **think** Gandalf's still around."

"Bother. Bother, BOTHER." Jay stamped her foot. "That's not RIGHT! The whole plot hinges on him becoming the White!"

"When was the last time Mary Sues cared about the plot?"

Under the shadows of her plaid hood, Jay's face twisted into a snarl.

"GANDALF LIVES!" she screamed to the world at large. "MERRY AND PIPPIN ARE RESCUED! GOLLUM HELPS GET RID OF THE RING!"

"Jay.. it's okay.."

"It's all right. I'm just throwing up spoilers to ruin the endings of the movies for them."

"Yes, and what if they hear you?" There was a reasonable and placating note in her voice that hadn't been there before; apparently her new form was rubbing off on her. And it was, Jay considered, an improvement.

"You're right," Jay admitted.

"Of **course** I'm right." She had not, however, stopped being Acacia.

"Just keep repeating that to yourself." Jay grinned. "Uh-oh. Pain ahead. Want to watch?"

"Would I be left out?"

"Muahah."

**

As the nine members of the fellowship set off they were stopped.

An in-text Author's Note thundered through the assassins' heads. _(a/n none of them have a girlfriend or anything so repeat this to yourself there is no such thing as Arwen)._ Acacia winced.

An elf stood before them.

Her hair was, for some reason, gray and she had yellowish/greenish eyes.

The fellowship could tell she was important because her ears were somehow tipped with gold.

She wore a brown dress (kinda like the one jasmine wears in Aladdin) with a piece of gold rope as a belt.

The authoress wished to strangle the Suvian for the heinous crine of writing multiple sentence-long paragraphs in a single tailor passage.

In her hand she held a staff similiar to the one Gandalf holds. Two braids hung slightly in front of her face yet the rest of her hair was down and slightly brushed her shoulders.

"I am Deminica." she plainly stated.

"I hope we are not going to have all this 'stated' stuff again," murmured Acacia.

"Nope, only twice."

"Oh, good."

" It would wise of you to take me and my sisterhood along with you." Deminica said.

"Why would this be a wise thing to do?" Gandalf asked with doubt.

"For we are strong and wise. We know more about the land than any of you we could be of great assitance." Deminica explained.

"...Assitance?"

"Two words: Spell check," said Acacia.

"No thank you, girls aren't strong enough for this." Boromir interjected.

Acacia made a strangled sort of noise in the back of her throat.

"There, there..."

"I'd be interested to see just what gave these authors **that** idea," Acacia spat. "It's not like there are any scenes where he's even **near** anyone female, except for Galadriel.."

"And the assorted females at the council, who he had no problem with," Jay agreed.

"Have it your way but, with out us you only have five good warriors." Deminica replied.

"What do you mean?" Aragorn asked.

"Well, your hobbits are weak compared to ours." Deminica said.

" **Sure** , Mary, **that's** right, insult the hobbits.." said Acacia sourly.

"What kind of creatures are in your sisterhood?" Pippin asked. "One human, one dwarf, two hobbits which don't come from the Shire, and five elves." Deminica replied.

Boromir and Gimli pushed her out of the way. "We don't have time for you!" Boromir said as he charged onward.

There was a sickening jolt.

**

"Oooowie..." Jay shook her head. "Where are we?"

Acacia glanced at the words. "Loth Lorien, it seems. That was one hell of a Temporal/Spatial Distortion.."

"I remember a bit of PLOT going in between there..."

"Yes. And characterization. And really long descriptive bits. And apparent character death.."

Some ten yards away, a pageant was about to begin.

"I thought we left you in Rivendell!" said a very shocked Gimli. "You did but, you didn't even meet my sisterhood before turning me down." answered Deminica.

"Line break? Liiiiiine break.... oh, LINE break."

Acacia laughed. "And we're about to be introduced to her 'sisterhood' in the truly horrendous 'And this is such-and-such, and this is so-and-so' style."

"And wearing a garland of bright spring grays and browns is-" Jay snickered, and started to hum "le freak."

"First I'd like you to meet Arond." Deminica said, as a slender blonde elf in a green skirt with a orange top with green sleeves crept out from behind a tree.

As she did her blue eyes shimmered.

"She is a woodland elf." Deminica stated.

"Even **I** have more fashion sense than **that** ," said Acacia, who was trying not to burst into hysterical fits of laughter at the sight of the dress.

"I should have kept the green, purple, and orange tartan."

Acacia began singing quietly. "Alas, my love, I feel like dirt, you've sewn green sleeves to my orange shirt, and love, you've done me worse than that, you've made me go out and wear it.."

"Purple shirt. I didn't know you knew that song!"

"Yes, but the **Sue's** shirt is **orange**."

Next came "Mianatis," the only human, then Galami, the only dwarf, wearing a corset/shirt and an excessive amount of jewelry. As promised, there were two hobbits, Shirlia and Carenada.

"Now this next elf is from the sky," Deminica chattered on.

An elf walked out. she had a crown on top of her mid-length brown hair.

Jay mimed something falling from a great height and splatting.

"Too bad she does not appear splatted," said Acacia wistfully.

The sky elf's dress was long and white with gold around the edges.

She wore a golden medallion around her waist.

When Frodo looked into her blue eyes he was convinced he was in love.

Then he blurted out "Are you a Princess?".

"No" she replied simply.

"This is Adromeda."

"....shall we feed them to the spiders? Shall we give them to the orcs? Shall we feed them to the dragons? On chopsticks, or on forks?" Jay wondered.

"I'm not sure. But we should definitely ask Adromeda what she thinks she's **doing** with a medallion around her **waist** and a name that sounds like a constellation with a head cold."

"This is Lanalei"

A golden haired elf stepped out from the shadows.

She was wearing shirt that had a dark green section crossing while covering most of the light green section.

The skirt she wore matched.

She had her hair braided into two braids that were mid-length. Then from nowhere a gorgeous elf appeared.

"Oh, this is Kylina."

Kylina had black hair which was pulled up tightly in a bun with the exception of some curls which hung to her shoulders all around her head.

She had ice blue eyes.

She was wearing a blue gown with a black full length coat/dress thing which had a string criss-crossing across her chest to give her dress a medival look.

"So, even the author's not sure what this one's wearing?" Acacia snorted derisively.

"It's like an optical illusion," her partner said delightedly. "Look, if you move your head this way, it's a coat. From this angle, it's a dress.."

Aragorn had never seen anyone as beautiful before in his life.

"So what do you think of my sisterhood now?" Deminica asked slyly.

"I think you are a troupe of fluffy shallow bitches with no distinct personalities, the combined IQ of a raisin, and worse grammar than Gollum, who could at least fit more than one sentence into a paragraph," said Acacia.

The fellowship stood there dumbstruck. "Well...what do you think?" Deminica asked again.

"Can they do anything besides look pretty?" asked Boromir.

Acacia quietly applauded.

"Of course we can!" Kylina said angrily.

"The readers are supposed to remember which one Kylina **is**? I wouldn't, if I couldn't see the words..." Jay shook her head.

"See, this is why you should learn to write **well** before using more than two or three main characters," said Acacia.

"It makes my head hurt." Jay's eyes narrowed under the traditionally pointy and broad brimmed hat (plaid, of course) that she'd taken as part of her disguise. "What's the first major break in canon? Besides them?"

"Causing Arwen to vanish from existence? Keeping Gandalf around? Upstaging Gollum by using worse grammar than he does?"

"Yes. But it's at a consistent level of unreality. Bother."

Acacia shrugged. "We could use a particularly bad Character Rupture.."

"Yes. It's so." Jay nodded sagely. "However, we will first have to suffer through the 'fighting contest.' I'm afraid Boromir is thrown over quite easily."

Acacia hissed. "Isn't that a character rupture in and of **itself**?"

"Of course. And a fair place to nail them..."

"Sounds good to me."

Jay drummed her fingers idly against her staff. "We should probably wait until the horrific shift from third to first person, though."

Acacia groaned. "I'd say no, but I **know** Upstairs hates us skipping out charges.."

"I've a way to pass the night, actually. We can distract ourselves."

"Really.."

Behind them, the two fellowships were arguing-- mostly about how to best prove the excellence of the Sues. (This was couched as a challenge to see if they were worthy to journey with the fellowship.)

After awhile of thinking they finally came up with an idea.

"We could have fights but not to the death just until one surrenders." Arond finally said.

Everybody agreed.

"What wonderful dialogue."

"Okay, Deminica and I decided who would fight who. First fight is Boromir and Mianatis." announced Gandalf.

"..." Jay had no words. She opened her mouth, and nothing came out.

Acacia just glared venomously.

"I feel like I'm at a wrestling match," Jay finally groaned. "There should be a bell."

"You could use your magical bagpipes."

"Do I want to play into their fantasies? No. No, I do not."

Each combatant was given a sword and was told to fight.

"Did they, somehow, miss the fact he's already **got** a sword?" Acacia demanded.

"He's got a sword! I've got a sword! It's the third age, and we're all barbarians!"

Boromir raised his sword and charged.

Mianatis raised her sword slowly and flipped over the charging Boromir.

Acacia's expression looked quite out of place on her current delicate face. The effect was vaguely disturbing.

"This is PATHETIC," Jay said morbidly.

"Really? I hadn't noticed," said Acacia nastily.

They kept hitting swords until Mianatis finally hit Boromir's sword out of his hands.

"Surrender now or this sword will accidentally cut your throat." Mianatis whispered to Boromir.

Boromir surrendered.

Jay patted Acacia quietly on the back.

And the fights kept getting **more** inane. Arond, fist-fighting Legolas, tripped and knocked them both out. None of the hobbits would fight, the dwarves just puffed out their chests and announced that ALL dwarves were great warriors so there was no need to fight, and after about an hour, Aragorn walked away from his fight. (As he confessed to Frodo, he did not want to lose, but did not want to beat Kylina.)

"How very pathetic" was a frequently-expressed sentiment.

After the debacle was over, Aragorn and Frodo sat down to have a heart to heart. They were interupted by the return of Lanalei and Adromeda, having "only killed ten" orcs. When the two females disappeared "to change," Frodo and Aragorn went back to the conversation.

Once Adromeda and Lanalei were inside Aragorn burst out laughing.

"What’s so funny?" Frodo asked.

"It’s so obvious that you like Adromeda." Aragorn said.

"I do not." Frodo said blushing.

"Sure whatever you want to think."

" Well...You like Kylina."

"No I don’t even know her."

"I think that’s why you walked away from the fight."

"It was not."

"You do like her but you just haven’t realized it."

Acacia looked revolted. "This isn't even sappy. Sappy implies there's some sort of **emotion** , albeit way too **much**. This, this is like my little sister's friends talking about boys."

"Bother." Jay stood up, and patted down her long robes (really, do I need to say what color they are?). "Come along. It's time for a reality check."

"Sure there's enough reality left in the account?"

"Deposit slip, then?"

"Okay."

"Do you have anything that clangs?"

"Not really."

"Rings? Makes a loud noise?"

" **You** make a loud noise.."

"Wait! I have it!" Jay ignored her completely, and dug in her bag, producing her Character Analysis Device. "We unmute these babies, and all will be good..."

Acacia laughed. "Oh, yes." She dug out her own Analysis Device. "Say when.."

**

"Maybe I do like her but if she joins us on our quest there’s nothing I can do." Aragorn thought to himself as Frodo got up to leave. He was then distracted by an eerie wailing.

It was rather louder than "eerie" things tended to be. Actually, it was outright deafening and not very eerie at all.

Two strangers appeared from out of the wood, and his hand went to his swordhilt. He eyed them warily: one elf-maid, clad in gray, eyes hooded, and a man of middle age, seemingly clad entirely in a crossed-bars pattern. Even the the threads of his salt and pepper beard seemed to follow the pattern...

Aragorn blinked.

"Oh, his betrothed has a first name, they spell it A-R-W-E-N," caroled the man. Aragorn stared.

The elf joined in, to a tune that Aragorn, had he been from a very different world, might have recognized as an Oscar Meyer jingle.

When the tune concluded, the old man started anew: "Who's tripping down the streets of Riv'ndell? Everyone knows it's Arwen..."

"Who are you, and why have you come from the forest?" Aragorn interrupted.

"And Arwen has stormy eyes... that flash in the face of Sues... Ah. Erm."

"It doesn't matter," interrupted the grey-clad one. "And we've come from the forest to sing that rather strange song, what did you **think** it was for? It was her- his idea," she added.

"What has this to do with me?"

"Think hard. I'm sure you'll get it," said the man.

Aragorn fixed them with an odd look, just for a moment. Then, "Undomiel!"

The elf grinned. "Exactly."

"How did I forget?" He looked near to panic.

"Mary Sues."

Aragorn looked puzzled. "What?" He sighed. "No matter. I must speak with Gandalf-"

The elf fidgeted where she stood in a rather unelflike way, muttering something in which, if you had good hearing, you might make out the phrase "really damn depressing job."

"You can't," the man said more clearly.

"Why? For they have-"

"No. This was a stupid idea of mine in the first place." He shook his head. "Before the night ends, you will be free, my lord." The two faded away into the darkness.

**

"So, I assume that means we get to kill them now?" said Acacia hopefully.

"Not quite yet. The Horrific Tense shift isn't for another hour or so..." Jay drew a deep breath. "Fortunately, I traded a flask of orc-draught off a couple of other agents, and found this." She handed Acacia a scroll.

Acacia took it as if it was about to explode, always a wise move when dealing with assassins' property. "What is it, then?"

"The Mary Sue Drinking Game."

Acacia laughed. "I like it."

**

"...causes a hush to fall over the room when entering, one drink. Pass the flask-"

Acacia did so. "Per Sue, or total?"

"You do want to be able to stand up at the end of this, is so?"

Acacia nodded. "True."

Jay took a gulp out of the flask, wincing. She'd been thinking of using Ent-draught, but she was quite tall enough already. Given these Sues, she'd have wound up knocking her head on ceilings.

Acacia leaned over and looked at the scroll. "Nope, no faint romantic scars.. Ah. Slender and graceful, one drink."

"...still is the priestess of an ancient and mysterious religion," Jay read as Acacia drank. "I think Deminica's supposed to be an Istari. Does that count?"

"She never says it. Anyway, I think she's an elf. I doubt the author knows what Istari **are**. But she seems to have an unspecified aura of power and mysticism, unless that's just her gold-tipped ears.."

"It says she has a staff 'similiar' to Gandalf's, but if I don't have to drink for it, hooray. The aura of mysticism, yes." Jay took the flask back.

They already had the best part of the large flask inside them. To drink the liquor of the orcs was to get a homicidal surge of adrenaline-- a good thing, really, in this profession.

"I don't think anything under Plot Lines applies yet," said Acacia, "and may I just say I'm grateful for that small mercy."

"Older than Gandalf. Considering they probably think he's about 80..."

"Yeah. 'Is good enough to beat Duncan in a swordfight,' which changed to be canon-appropriate would certainly apply to what's-her-name-who-gives-the-human-female-race-and-gender-a-bad-name.."

"Miss flipped over Boromir? Bottoms up!"

"The good thing," said Acacia, "about working in this fandom, is you don't get Mary Sues trying to get the guys to sleep together."

"Yep. Although some slash is quite admirable. Notice, it's the 'bad slash' department, but not the 'bad Mary Sue' department."

"What I was saying was that the slash here doesn't have matchmaker Sues. Even in the **bad** slash the canonicals are pretty well on their own." She looked at the scroll again. "Unaccountably adored by absolutely everyone, two drinks.. does that apply, or not? Not everyone likes them.."

"Thank the Lady for Gimli."

" **And** Boromir, agreed. Looks strangely ageless in a 'just pushing 21' kind of way.. well, most of them are elves, so.."

"I don't know whether to be glad or disappointed that I've got another flask in my pack.."

"Neither do I. Came from the lost city of Atlantis or other mysterious lost civilization- does the sky count?"

"I do believe it does."

**

"So how long is it **now** till the person shift?" Acacia wanted to know.

Jay didn't turn her head to answer. "Why don't you check yourself?"

"Because if **I'm** impatient and frustrated, everyone else should be, too."

"Can't sleep either? Perhaps there's a case for orc-draught being based on Starbucks coffee..."

"Tastes very similar."

"Adrenaline surge, heart rate speeding up, insomnia-" Jay nodded, and went rummaging in her pack for her notepad.

And things-- changed.

First a lack-of-disclaimer and author's note, being undifferentiated from the rest of the text, thundered through the assassins' heads.

_I’m not writing a disclaimer if it means that much to you read the previous chapters_

A/N for this part it’s going to be told by Kylina so when it says I it’s Kylina.

"And that'll be the person change," said Acacia. "Shall we go?"

"Yes. Let us, by all means, stop them before the Godawful fight scene." Jay gave up the search for her notepad and rose creakily to her feet.

Acacia grabbed her bow. It really said a lot that, while in what for the sake of sanity shall be called the body of a supernatural-demigoddess-angel-type-thing, she **still** felt the need to carry and use a plain (really big) weapon.

Jay pulled out her own, although looking wistfully at her plaid staff. It wouldn't do to use Suelike powers.... but all the same, she willed a plaid fletching onto her arrows. "Who first?"

"Whichever ones are going to be participating in the godsawful fight scene?"

"Allrightythen."

Inside, Deminica had woken Kylina and Arond to tell them they'd be tested in the morning. Suddenly insomniac, they decided to go on a walk.

**

We walked to outside of Loth Lorien.

There were five orcs standing in front of us and we were unarmed.

There was no way to out run them because two more came from behind us.

I was so scared.

"It hurts......." Jay held a hand to her head.

Acacia just shoved past the pair of orcs and started reciting the charges.

"Kylina and-" she checked the words- "Arond, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with.. both of you are charged with bad grammar, interfering with the characters of the entire Fellowship of the Ring, spending way too many sentence-long paragraphs on your clothes and not one on the Golden Wood, calling it Loth Lorien, and being Mary Sues. Kylina, in addition, is charged with not knowing what the hell she's wearing, with causing Arwen to vanish from existence, and with precipitating a jarring switch from third to first person. Arond is charged with wearing horrible clashing colors even **I** know better than to wear and causing everyone to think it's beautiful."

"(lust object) save me!" It was bizarre. The Sues exclaimed this in unison, only differing in who was inserted as "lust object".

On cue, Aragorn materialized out of thin air and said "Leave them alone."

"Sing with me, Strider... Who's tripping down the streets of Rivendell-?"

The ranger's eyes widened, and he took a step backward.

"Come ON, Acacia..."

She notched an arrow, and promptly sent it through Kylina's throat.

Corresponding so blatantly with different members of the Fellowship really had not been a good idea. With eight Sues left around, Aragorn would ootherwise have **stayed** out of character.

Arond looked horrified. "Aragorn why didn't you save her!! She loved you you know!" He was too busy looking revolted to answer.

The elf looked around. "Legolas where are you!"

Once again on cue, Legolas turned up in a nearby tree. How he got there was left unsaid by the words.

"Frightening." Jay looked hopefully at Acacia. "Can I do the 'magical bubble that weapons bounce off of?' Please?"

"Sure," said Acacia in an "indulgent parent" tone.

"Legolas they are going to hurt me," Arond screamed.

He shot an arrow. It bounced.

"Hurrah," cried Jay, holding her staff aloft.

"Do you want Arond, or should I?" asked Acacia.

"I'm doing the bubble."

"Fine by me." Acacia shot Arond, and then stepped forward to pick up the bodies. "What shall we do with them? Or should we decide after we kill the rest?"

"After we kill the rest, I think."

Acacia nodded. "Where are the rest?"

"Going back to sleep, I imagine. If we weren't in the middle of the woods, I'd suggest torching their huts."

"Only you can prevent forest fires.."

"Hugh, and ONLY Hugh can prevent florist friars," Jay said, waving her staff dramatically.

Acacia gave her an odd look.

**

"I don't want to slit their throats," Jay whispered. "It'll get all over our clothing."

Acacia looked at her lopsidedly. "It'll be gone when we leave the canon, you know."

"Don't remind me. I'm having fun." Jay's shoulders drooped. "Besides, it may just wind up on our uniforms..."

Acacia shrugged. "Anyway, how **do** you want to do it?"

"Strangling? Force-feed them poison?"

"It's an attractive suggestion.."

"Which one-oh. Never mind."

"Both," Acacia replied anyway.

"Okay. There are seven left, and they room in pairs. Logistically.." Jay closed her eyes and thought. "We take a pair at a time, I strangle, you poison, and no alarms shall be sounded."

"Sounds good to me," said Acacia, opening her pack and rummaging through it. "Which pair do we get first?"

"It doesn't mention what pairs they sleep in, only that Deminica gets a room to herself."

Acacia rolled her eyes. "So, shall we find **out** what pairs they sleep in?"

"Okay. **This** one." Jay pointed to a hut at random.

**

>From hut to hut they crept. The night was disturbed once or twice by a sort of "urk-", but otherwise-

"-all is well," Jay said, dusting her hands. "Just Damned-inica to go...'

Acacia, having just finished off Mianatis, was in a better mood than she had been since arriving in the fic. (This is known as "job satisfaction.") "Who gets her?"

"I don't care one way or ano-"

A strident voice rang out from behind them. "STOP FOUL FIENDS."

Jay rolled her eyes. "She's awaaaaake-"

"Who but a Sue would ever **talk** like that?" Acacia asked rhetorically, wincing a little from the all-caps sentence.

Jay turned to face Deminica, radiating an aura of boredom. "Have you been listening as we charged your friends, or do we have to go over it again?"

"What have you been doing, to my friends?!"

"I take that as a no," Acacia said unhelpfully. "In that case, you're charged with," she made a show of not remembering immediately, "oh, yes, bad grammar, interfering with the characters of the entire Fellowship of the Ring, spending way too many sentence-long paragraphs on your clothes and not one on the Golden Wood, calling it Loth Lorien, and being a Mary Sue, also keeping Gandalf alive, having metal on your ears in a way that defies all logic, and.. is there anything else, Jay..?"

"Not really. Any last words?"

"Who ARE you? You'll pay for what you've done-"

"Oh, I forgot, there IS an extra charge. You act psychic."

"Who are you?!" Deminica slammed her staff into the ground. "Answer me!"

"You don't actually need to know that," Acacia informed her sweetly, "but because I'm so nice, I'll tell you we're assassins."

"We're Istari Assasins," Jay chimed in.

"Speak for your-"

"Hah, foul Istari! I am an elf-wizardess, and you can't stand against me."

Jay shot a glance at Acacia. "This is pathetic."

"Quite so."

Acacia had had a lot of practice lately, so perhaps it **wasn't** surprising how quickly she could have her bow ready.

"I know Jay already asked you this, but do you have any last words?"

"Your arrows will bounce."

"What a waste of last words.." Jay extended her own staff, breaking the rather pretty bubble Deminica had raised.

There are only so many ways this can be said, and the authors are running out of them. Acacia fired, Deminica died, the canon eased back into place.

"So, now we have nine dead Mary Sues to deal with. What **shall** we do with them..?"

"Wow. This calls for bulk disposal. Any hungry canonical monsters that you can think of?"

Acacia considered. "Not off the top of my head, no. We **could** just try the Watcher again, but Upstairs hates it if we feed too many to the same canon monster. Can't have fat monsters, after all."

"We could toss'm on that funeral pyre the Rohirrim make.."

"Or we could have one of our own, I've got the flames with me.."

"...we're in a FOREST. Golden the trees may be, but I bet they burn anyway... We could toss them in the sea."

"I'd be reluctant to burn them anyway, I'm not sure **what** Deminica thought she was but I'm worried she might explode. Water sounds fine; let them rot."

"An offering to Ulmo!" Jay beamed. "Not that he probably **cares**.."

Acacia raised an eyebrow. "Riight. So.. shall we go?"

Jay nodded, and stared at the body. She tapped quickly at her remote activator for a moment, then opened the portal. "That's out nice and deep-- now we just have to lug them all through." She frowned.

Acacia shrugged, and wordlessly entered a hut, returning dragging Mianatis and Galami.

"Bother."

Once all nine dead Mary Sues were gathered, Acacia looked dubiously at the portal. "Can we just toss them through, or.. where's it to?"

"Middle of the ocean. You want to step through? Be my guest." Jay grinned. "I'm the old one. **I** should be getting senile.."

Acacia threw one of the dwarf's way-too-numerous articles of jewelry at her.

"This is too tacky to keep as souvenir type stuff."

"Ha ha." Acacia picked up an elf, not paying much attention to which one, and tossed her through the shimmering portal. There was a distinct splashing sound.

"I was being serious." Jay picked up the human and pushed her through.

It didn't take long to get rid of all the bodies, and when it was done Jay closed the portal. Both assassins seemed reluctant to open another.

Jay voiced their mutual dissatisfaction first. "Don't wanna leeeeeave."

"I know." Acacia sighed. "It's nice here."

"And we could actually fit in, looking like **this**." Looking as if she'd rather not, Jay hit the home button, making the portal point back to HQ.

Acacia shrugged, and stepped through.

The response center looked too small, and too metallic. Jay flopped into a chair with a dramatic sigh. Acacia dropped her gear in a corner and elected to sprawl on the rug again, because the chairs were uncomfortable.

Jay realized with a start that they were both comfortable. She winced, waiting--

\--and nothing happened. No Beeep. Acacia seemed oblivious.

After awhile, Acacia propped her head up on one hand. "I never thought I'd say this here, but.. I'm bored."

It was the perfect chance for a comical alarm, but Jay threw herself frantically into the breach. "LET'S HAVE A BARBECUE!"

Acacia started at the sudden loud noise, but just **said** "Okay.."

"Fabulous." Jay flopped down again. Now, with something to stress over, free time was almost guaranteed.

And so was a nap.

END

[Jay's A/N: So I'd been wanting to write about Corvid the Plaid for a while now. Sue me. (But, as Acacia once pointed out, you won't get anything...) I really don't have a great deal to say this time--this fic was just startlingly BAD. I'd venture to say it's worse than Mithril. And trying to get Acy and I on the computer at the same time was hellish. Bother. Bugger. And all those other B words.

Keep well.]

[Acacia's A/N: **Nine** Mary Sues. Nine of them! None of them with a distinct personality, all of them guilty of fashion plating, and worst of all, a case of Fill-In-Name The Misogynistic Bastard Syndrome. They want one just to have the Sues triumph over prejudice and so select one at random, I'll **swear** they do..

Anyway.

PPC spinoffs not mentioned in Jay's World's Longest Author's Note have been mentioned in the reviews, so because I am lazy, look for them there. Thank you to everyone who has written one, to all the many people who have mentioned Elrond Sues, and to all the reviewers; I particularly like Eep's poem..]

[Jay's OTHER A/N: Thanks for the Elrond Sues. *shudder* Time to torture me.]


	15. The Maiden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PPC is getting redundant. Un-fun. Jay and Acy need a change of pace, and so (after an Elrond fic, just to be fair), some major changes are getting made. Muahah.]

"Allrighty. Checklist time... potato chips?" Acacia held the clipboard easily, a pen in one hand.

"Stale."

"Soda?"

"Warm."

"Meat?"

"Unidentifiable."

"Grill?"

"Explosive."

"Ribs?"

"Messy."

Acacia nodded. "Ladies and gentlemen: we have barbecue!"

"I'll get an all-call for anyone off duty," Jay said.

"Fun.."

The acoustics of the PPC facility are positively maddening. Consequently, the all-call over the paging system was not only annoying, it bounced from the walls, hid in the closets to leap out at people, and was otherwise deafening.

Jay smiled.

When she was sure it was over, Acacia, who hated loud noises, came out of the fetal position, took her hands off her ears, and tried to reclaim some dignity.

"Also-- I think I made some sort of promise to Miss Cam to invite her."

Acacia considered. "How're you going to contact her? Drop in at OFUM again? Do you **know** how much trouble I got into once for unauthorized use of a portal to visit the Discworld?"

"You did? No, I was going to send a letter. Via portal, I'll admit."

Acacia shrugged. "Might not get in trouble if you don't go through. But if you do, I had nothing to do with it."

"Of course. Do we want to invite-" Jay's tone took on a dull tone "-the Creatrix herself?"

"Eh?"

"You remember. Meagan the Creatrix? Newest recruit? I understand that you'd've blocked the memory out, but..."

"Yes, I remember her. Unfortunately."

"I think she's busy, at any rate."

"Hope so."

Jay nodded. "Somebody sent us a horse. They didn't sign the delivery, and I shan't ask. Alice is most offended."

"I imagine so."

"Ava didn't mind, however..."

Ava, the falcon formerly known as Kes, was enjoying herself in the care of Kai, who'd (for some bizarre reason) volunteered to take cair of the newly rescued pets.

"If it keeps up at this rate, there'll be a PPC menagerie by the time Upstairs realizes what's happening," Acacia predicted.

"Hurrah?"

Acacia shrugged.

"We're here! Is it important?!" Robyn looked as hunted and high-strung as ever she did.

"We have flames." Acacia held up the parcel. "We're having a barbecue with them." She looked around. "Incidentally, where's Ranger?"

Ranger slid through the same door Robyn had. He'd wisely taken his time getting there, and was therefore not out of breath.

"Ah. There he is."

"And there come others behind me, who are not so foolish and eager as my partner." Ranger sighed, and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Incidentally, Acacia, you were right..."

"Of course I was." She considered. "But which particular instance are you referring to?"

"I scoffed when you told me that there were Mary Sues worse than my late siblings. That was foolish." He turned on his heel and walked away.

More, however, soon arrived to take his place.

Kage and Sakira didn't pause to talk-- too busy sniping at each other. Kat (short for Katana, a name which earned glares) came in dropping textbooks, and competing with Robyn for title of "most harried looking deputy." Others there were too, among whom Acacia could have sworn she saw a mindflayer. _Okay, what's **that** about?_ And there was-

"ARCHY!" Jay bounced. She had a talent for finding annoying nicknames.

The spy gave her a slightly disturbed look.

"Are you feeling better, Architeuthis? Huh? Huh? Areya?"

"Jay, lay off her. And," Acacia raised her voice, "whoever's making that odd tapping noise, if you value your life, please stop."

It stopped, and Karen called Kaz sneaked away behind Kazra.

Jay shook her head. "Wow. I don't remember all these people. I'm having trouble keeping up with their names..."

Acacia shrugged. "I normally don't try. So, Architeuthis.."

**

"WHEEEEEE!!!!!!" Jay bounced across the lawn with much energy, flinging random punctuation.

Someone had let her into the caffeinated soda.

Acacia just rolled her eyes. She had finally finished harrassing a detailed account of recently-investigated fics out of Architeuthis, and sworn to think of something really horrible to do to Clefe and Ash if they were assigned to her.

After some time, Jay stopped bouncing, and went to attacking the leftover ribs. It's remarkable how much mess they can make...

"Jay. Stop. Go. Shower." Acacia frowned at her partner.

"Yes'm." Jay sighed and headed inside, panting.

Most of the Protectors that **had** been there had by now been called back on duty. "Jay! Come back!"

Jay froze halfway to the door.

"Help clean up. THEN shower."

While Acacia had **said** "help", she was adept at pretending to work.

So it was that Jay doused the grill, threw away the wrappers and various paper plates, and reclipped the bags of potato chips. It was only when she was halfway out of the courtyard with a cargo of sodas that she realized how little help Acacia was being.

"Oy! You! Come carry."

"I'm doing this." Acacia was, in fact, using a fork to scrape burnt unidentifiability off the grill. Nice thought, but completely unnecessary, and a nice way to avoid real work.

"That doesn't need done. THIS needs done. This-- HELP!" A three liter bottle slid from her grip, plummeting towards her feet-

-and was caught.

"Oh, hello, Cam," said Acacia brightly, choosing to address this new issue instead of the one that was a nascent argument not going her way.

Miss Cam raised an eyebrow. "I see I'm late. I was busy."

"Students being difficult?"

"Among other things.. of course, I'm finding ways to deal with them." She gave a flat, frightening smile. "Saved anything for me?"

"Ask Jay, she's picking it up.."

"Yes. There’s a multitude of food left. And make Acacia help me!" In Jay’s eyes, there WAS no higher authority than the mini-Balrog trainer.

"Nyet, ya kashka." This meant "No, I'm a cat," and was not **meant** to make any sense; Acacia though not speaking Russian had seen it in a signature somewhere and thought it was fun.

"Yes, you are," Jay said with a sniff, unloading things to find some food for Miss Cam.

"I got your message. May I congratulate you on your aim?"

"Aim?" said Acacia.

"What, the brick?"

"Yes. It hit a student squarely on the head."

"What brick?"

"Miss Cam's invitation. I tied it to a brick and tossed it through the portal."

Acacia laughed. "Fun."

Miss Cam had accepted a plate of leftover chicken, and was munching amiably. "I can't stay long, of course. The tortu-- ah, the **schooling** must continue."

"We know," said Acacia with an evil grin.

"They're going to give me Elrond fics," Jay said sadly. "I heard the Intelligence agents talking about it."

"You said mission before last that it would be a nice change," pointed out Acacia, who had a treacherously good memory for things like that.

"Yes. And I accept it. But I don't LIKE it, and that's a fact."

Miss Cam looked moderately sympathetic. "Poor dear." With that, she stood briskly, brushing down her gown, and snapping a portal in the air. (Never shalt thou underestimate the powers of the Headmaster or his underlings.)

Jay sighed mournfully, picked up the sodas again, and started away. "Carry, Acacia."

"Don't want to."

"Uh-Kaaaay-SHA!"

"You're almost done-"

Jay scowled. "You are a mean person. I hope they inflict something truly terrible on you."

"Of course I'm a mean person. And they've inflicted lots of truly terrible things on me already. If they give me anything much worse than Aria, just remember you'll have to share in the suffering."

"Yes, I know."

"So why are you wishing for horrible things? You're only doing it to yourself."

"Because I'm daft. Now HELP."

"But I'm lazy!"

"I shall do horrible things to you. Carry!"

"Fine." Acacia picked up a single soda can.

Jay glared, and trudged away under the weight of much caffeine.

Acacia put her single can away. "There. I helped."

"I hate you. I will read to you aloud the Story of the Hairdryer in Middle-earth."

Acacia blinked. "Hairdryer?"

"Hairdryer. And Batteries. And the unknown language of Middle-earth, Frodo."

"Why haven't we been assigned it?"

"It's going through the motions of being nominated for GAFF status."

"Ah." Acacia considered. "If it's as bad as it sounds, have the MSTers got hold of it yet?"

"I only wish. It's under wraps, though, until the GAFF judgement comes through."

"Good. I hope they take a **very** long time."

"Yes. More time to torture me with Elrond's vampiric lovers and traumatized fawners-on.... at least **I** know he's married!"

"I seem to remember one in which his wife was named Mithalphien and died when an orc pushed her into a river because she didn't know how to swim.."

Jay turned to her wide-eyed. "She... didn't... know... how... to... swim? Her mother-in-law could FLY and she couldn't swim?"

"Apparently."

"I hope we get that one. I do. It would be a pleasure to enlighten her."

Acacia shrugged. "That wasn't the Sue. The Sue was her daughter 'Galenvagoriel'.."

"Galenvagoriel...." Jay twitched. "I hope we get her anyway." She shot a last look around the courtyard, and shook her head. "Back to the response center."

**

They could hear it from all the way down the hall. It was a sound like the scream of a machine: the wrench and tear of the fabric of reality...it was...

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! BLOODY BEEEEEEEEEP!!!]**

Acacia blinked. "Suddenly it's beeping in words?"

"Sounds upset."

"Do you think it's **been** beeping and we just haven't noticed..?"

"I think so. Poor thing."

"It's a **machine** , Jay.."

"Details, sliated..."

Acacia blinked and looked at her strangely.

"Tahw?"

Acacia just groaned and headed for the response center.

Jay clamped both ears firmly over her ears. "We're here! But we're not coming in unless you shut up!"

The computer shut off midbeep.

"Good," said Acacia. "Now, let's see what's going-" She stopped suddenly, having caught sight of Jay's screen.

"What's wrong?"

Acacia replied with a few incoherent squeaky noises.

"Acacia! You're channeling me."

The opportunity to argue could always be relied upon to bring Acacia out of a stunned and/or sickened state of mind. "No, I'm not!"

"Good girl. Now, what's wrong?" Jay moved around her, and raised an eyebrow. "I've never seen a Mary Sue/+Deville code before.."

"The spy in question wasn't sure," mumbled Acacia, slumping into Jay's chair.

"Pan.... gaea? All Earth? Wasn't that a supercontinent?"

"It was. What kind of **idiot** uses the name of a landmass?"

"She says..." Jay scanned. "She says it's Greek, and so we shouldn't make fun of it."

"I'll make fun of whatever I want to make fun of," said Acacia sourly. "More so if it patently makes no sense."

Jay had been reading ahead, and her lips began to tremble with supressed laughter. Acacia, who wasn't paying much attention, didn't notice. She did, however, when Jay began to snort uncontrollably.

"What-"

"HONEY-BUMP-! AAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Acacia blinked. "Who or what is Honey-bump?"

"Her pet *snerk* bear!"

"Named **Honey-bump**?"

Jay was laughing too hard to answer.

"Jay..? We can hardly go on this assignment if you refuse to stop laughing long enough to go." She considered this statement. "Actually, laugh as much as you like."

"No, no, I'm better now."

"Drat."

"Sorry. But perhaps we can use this opportunity to try out Enting.."

"What, in her Spontaneously-Popping-Up Enchanted Verb-Named Wood?"

"Absolutement."

"Sounds good."

"Entwives?"

"Fine by me."

Jay blinked. "You're... agreeing with me. That scares me."

"Why?" **This** time she was joking; she sounded as if she were trying to suppress laughter.

Jay's eyes widened. "You're frightening me..."

"Good."

Jay went through the pre-jump motions quickly, keeping half an eye on Acacia. Something was very probably wrong.

Acacia stood up, giving a sour look to the screen, and started to gather together her gear.

"After you?"

"First we need the actual **portal** , Jay.."

"Oops." Jay, not turning away, fumbled for the switch. " **There**. After you."

She stepped through without bothering to reply.

There was a moment of silence. She looked around. Jay was nowhere to be seen. "Where arrrrrre you...?"

"I'm a tree! Hurrah!" Said tree revealed itself to be more humanoid than first suspected.

"Ah." Acacia looked down at herself- she seemed to have turned out with thorns.

"An acacia. Cute." Jay was a rather tall pinish looking Entmaiden.

"What else **would** I be?"

"Nothing at all. Mind telling me what's got you so happy?"

"Where **exactly** did you get **that** impression?" asked Acacia sourly.

"You giggled. You agreed with me."

"When did I giggle?"

"You supressed giggles."

Acacia considered. "Stress reaction?"

"Uh-oh."

"What uh-oh?" Acacia sighed, and sat down. "And when you're done explaining that do you know when I last slept?"

"I mean uh-oh as in 'bugger, she's REALLY scary when she's stressed', and you last slept sometime after I did."

"That is not very helpful."

"Would you like to nap?"

"Is anything important about to happen?"

"Nope." Jay scanned the words. "I actually hit a plothole and missed first contact by about two hours."

"Good," said Acacia. Curling up was rather difficult in their current forms, but she managed it.

Jay propped herself against a tree and attempted to doze. It must have worked, because when she woke up some time had passed.

"Oy!" She prodded Acacia with a foot.

"Hey!"

"Wakey.."

"I **AM** awake."

"It's time." Jay pointed one wooden finger. "They meet over there, I think."

Acacia groaned and got up.

Jay grinned. "Wonderful ideas have just hit me. C'mon."

Acacia did.

"So, what are the wonderful ideas?"

"I think trees that follow her around might unsettle her mind."

"Oooh.."

**

The Fellowship wondered on, tired and hungry. (What they were wondering about, the Words did not say.) Pippin and the other Hobbits fell to the back, heads down, feet barely rising up off the leaf strewn forest floor. "We have to rest." Boromir persisted as he had so many times before. (Perhaps the author had meant "protested"-- unfortunately, it just manifested as Boromir speaking in a slow drawl.)

Acacia scowled, but said nothing.

"Not here. There is a bad feeling about these woods. I can feel it! The trees are talking in hushed whispers." Legolas looked about them, fearful of what he might see.

He wasn't speaking metaphorically, either. Jay was keeping up a running commentary on the story's poor grammar-- this was a bad sign, considering it had only advanced a few paragraphs.

"He's not **generally** so unwilling to meet a Sue," said Acacia mildly.

"It's his kid sister, or summat. I'd avoid her if I were him."

Acacia looked at her sideways. " **I** 'd avoid her if I was anyone but **me**. Or you. Or some other assassin.."

"But at least **we** can deal with her," Jay said.

"Point."

The Fellowship had walked through the forest for days on end, resting only when necessary, but Strider refused to spend another night in that evil wood.

"Come now Pippin, we are almost through." He said soothingly, trying to urge the young hobbit on.

"I am nearly through you mean." His normally lively voice was crushed and quiet.

"We cannot rest here. It is but a few leagues to the other side."

"The dialogue's almost right, is the sad thing," remarked Jay. "If only she could've kept it up. And added some commas."

"I am yet unimpressed," sniffed Acacia.

"But a few for me, you or Legolas, but the little ones are spent, let us rest, if only for a short while."

"Boromir, we cannot. This is the land of the Maiden." A look of wonder and fear spread across the elf’s face.

"Another elf?" Sam raised his head in hope.

"And it plunges into idiocy."

"It was never far," said Acacia sourly. "I mean, how did this whole big enchanted wood just pop up out of nowhere? **Where** is it?"

"It's in the Magic World of Sue." Jay sighed. "'Aniron'. You shouldn't name a wood a verb."

"You shouldn't name **anything** a verb."

"It can be interesting. But.. have you looked at WHY she named it Aniron?"

Acacia squinted. Author's Notes, unless left undifferentiated from the actual text, were more difficult to read than the normal Words, but it was still possible. "..it **sounds** cool? Good grief!"

"Impressive."

Legolas was just getting finished describing the Maiden. "..protected by animals of such size and strength that they have enough power to rip a man apart."

Acacia sniggered nastily. "Despite being called Honey-bump?"

"And he's scared of that? He lives in Mirkwood! Big-arse-spider-central!"

"Who does she need protecting from? It seems that it is us that are in want of protection." Gimli drew his axe. "If one of them man eating beasts even try to attack, my axe will cut them down."

"What, all by itself?" wondered Acacia.

"Now, now. Metonomy happens."

"Met-what?"

"Metonomy. Referring to something by evoking a closely related image. Like Gimli and his axe."

"But.. oh, fine." Acacia subsided just in time to hear a particularly insipid part of Legolas' little speech.

"These trees are older than time itself and anything held within their reach is believed sacred."

"If it's evil, how can it be sacred? And how can anything be older than time? I mean, by definition, nothing could age until there was time, so the oldest thing around must be exactly as old as time, or else time itself. And-"

"Too much Thief of Time for the Acacia. No more Pratchett until you get it out of your system, young lady-"

"How do you intend to enforce this?"

"Large stick?"

"Am I supposed to be afraid of large sticks?" said Acacia, indicating the number of large sticks- branches, in fact- now attached to her.

"Ah. Mm. No." Jay considered. "Threat of taking pictures of you and making you "Ent Playmate of the year" in Play-ent?"

" ** _Gah!_** "

"Muahaha."

Acacia sulked. "Fine."

"People are already accusing us of being alt.pratchett denizens, anyway."

"Is that so."

"I'm afraid it IS so."

Acacia just shrugged, and went back to watching the characters.

Sam was just saying "But say I accidentally trod on a bug? The Maiden will be out to get me. I don’t want no curse followin' me for the rest of my days."

"Bitchy Maiden. Eternal PMS?"

"I wonder what Elf PMS is like," mused Acacia. She considered this for a moment. "Let's not have that conversation, though. Please."

"Indeed. Although it might go a way towards explaining Luthien..."

"I **said** let's not **have** this conversation."

"Not having! Not having!"

"Good."

"Legolas." Jumping silently from his elevated perch, Legolas landed beside Strider. "Have your bow ready, I saw something move up ahead. Can you see it?"

Surveying the ground before them, Legolas shook his head. "Nothing."

"Poor thing. Better vantage, and a human saw it, and he didn't-- his eyesight must be off." Jay cocked her head and looked worried.

"Charge list?" suggested Acacia.

"Most definitely."

"Boromir, protect the little ones. Gimli, Legolas, you come with me."

"I want to come." Frodo said drawing his blade. "I have fought many an orc before, you need more than three."

Jay raised a ponderous eyebrow. "How cute. Bloodthirsty Frodo."

"This is just sad.."

"Besides... by their own logic, how could there be anything harmful, here?"

" **What** logic?"

"Right. Forgot."

They watched as Strider, Legolas and Gimli disappeared into the trees. (Apparently the author had forgotten Aragorn's real name.)

**

"I should never have sat down." Sam said dismally.

"And why is that my little friend?" Asked Boromir.

"Because. Now that I have sat down, I have no will to stand back up again. So you will have to leave me here as I lay."

Jay blinked. "He's.. sitting, and lying down? At the same time? Hoom."

Things took a fascinating left turn, all of a sudden...

"We would drag you by the hair if it was the only way to get you to move." Pippin laughed.

"Struggle as we may. You have had one too many pints Mr Gamgee." Merry said opening his eyes.

"Not as many as you Meriadoc Brandybuck. If I remember rightly it was you and your pints that almost got us butchered."

"You don't," said Acacia. "It was Pippin. Really. I think we have another author who can't tell them apart. It's not that hard.."

"Sam doesn't drink. And... butchered? When does that happen?" Jay was slowing down. This was a nice change from bounce-thee-off-the-walls hyper, but still odd.

"I think they mean in Bree." Acacia shrugged.

"When did that happen? There wasn't really much in the way of butchery, at least related to drink."

"That's what I mean. But that's the only place that comes to mind where a hobbit does a stupid pint-related thing, so."

"Bother them all."

"Better idea. Kill them all."

"Only the Sue."

Acacia sighed. "I **meant** Sues. Bothering them's just not enough."

"C'est vraix," Jay mangled.

"Eh?"

"It's true."

"Ah."

"Now, now boys. You had better end this before you say something that you’ll regret." Boromir had stopped pacing to listen to the argument, quickly resumed his wearing away of the forest floor, growing more restless with every minute that passed.

There was an afterimage as Boromir appeared to both stop pacing and resume pacing. Jay's eyes watered.

"Stupid grammar."

"Boromir as mother figure. Good grief," said Acacia sourly.

"At least he's not in an apron."

"Still sounds like someone's mother." She considered. "Only cheesier."

"Poor thing." Jay patted her carefully, avoiding the thorns. They watched as the hobbits finally did something in character (falling asleep), and Sam went off to talk to the flowers.

"Does he really think they're listening?" Acacia wondered.

"Overexposure to Sues must make people's sanity degrade." She shot Acacia a look. "Don't even say it."

"Say what?" asked Acacia innocently.

"SAM! Behind you."

For some strange reason, Frodo screamed "Sam", and then calmly added "behind you."

"Frodo?" Turning, Sam stared into the huge belly of a brown furry creature. From their better vantage point Jay and Acacia could identify it as a bear.

"Is this-" Acacia sniggered- "Honey-bump?"

"Yes, indeedy. Although the Fellowship shall not find this out until two chapters later. They do not, oddly enough, burst out laughing."

"Strange."

Sam had fainted of fright.

" **This** from the guy who takes on Shelob? Sure."

There was a fizzling noise from Acacia's pack, and she opened it up. Her Canon Analysis Device was smoking; apparently the sum total of OOCness in the area had passed the capacity of the Device to measure.

"Oh, dear. It's about to get--" Jay's eyes widened, and she ripped at her pack, got out her own Device, and flung it as far away as possible. There was a painful sounding [Zzzrt!] and a flash of light.

Acacia winced. "Ouch.."

"Bugger. They've worn out. Too many Sues."

"I shall have to see if we can get ones that don't break."

"I pity Makes-Things."

"Whyever is that?" said Acacia sweetly.

"Because we keep breaking his stuff. And making him fix it. And breaking and fixing and breaking and fixing and here comes a Sue..."

There was a moment of confusion as time coiled angrily around itself, and the scenery shifted without warning. They were five minutes before where they had been, and in a completely different part of the woods.

"I hate Temporal-Spatial Distortions," Acacia complained.

"Owie." Just in front of them, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were crashing through the brush.

"Are you sure that it was not just a branch swaying in the breeze?" Gimli puffed as they ran.

"Gimli's out of breath?" said Acacia skeptically.

"Gimli's out of character. It's a domino effect."

"I am sure it was not. Can you not sense a presence?" Strider asked as he stopped to survey the ground.

"I am afraid not."

"I sense only evil in this place." Legolas said.

"Sue.. sense.. tingling!" Jay whispered with a giggle.

Acacia sniggered. "Unusually perceptive.."

"This way." Strider pointed to the east, sprinting towards a dense part of the forest.

"Come Master Elf, his lordship beckons."

"His lordship? When did Gimli ever express an attitude like that?"

Acacia, knowing full well it was a rhetorical question, nevertheless affected to consider it. "Nothing comes to mind.."

Jay sighed. "This doesn't bode well."

"That he does. That he does."

Acacia rolled her eyes in disgust. "Redundant much? Redundant much?"

"Now, now, Acacia. Er-"

"Er what?"

"Now, now. This redundancy thing is catching."

"Ah."

Something darted between the trees, forcing its way through the thick foliage, its pursuers following not far behind. Making as much noise as possible it tried to lure Strider and the others around in a circle, forcing them back to the edge of the forest, the plan was working, until-

**

Boromir paced up and down.

Jay read the words a few more times, still not liking what she saw. "Bugger all if I'm going to keep jumping around with them."

"I vote we stay here, let **them** do the running around, and just keep up with events by watching the words," suggested Acacia.

"Yes. Until they meet. First notable breach of canon is-" Jay started scanning the words. "-when she accuses Legolas of destroying her life and then offers no proof. Not much to go on, but this is so **consistently** bad..."

"This **forest** is a canon violation," said Acacia darkly.

"Stupid verb forest." Jay kicked one rootlike foot in the dirt. "I don't feel good.."

"Probably because the Sue has 'linked her soul with the forest' or something equally melodramatic. Not sure why she'd want to **do** that, but it seems she did."

"We're tied up in Sue power? Yugh! No wonder I'm feeling off. Ents might not have been the greatest idea for this mission."

"It **is** annoying, yes."

There were a few more short incoherent flashes, which finally culminated with everyone running towards the unconscious Sam.

Acacia blinked, fairly disoriented by all the Distortions. "So, where and when are we **now**?"

Jay furrowed her brow. "THERE is fainted Sam. THERE is the bear. HERE comes the Sue quicklooklikeatree!"

Acacia quickly stood up straighter and kept still.

"Okay. The'th patht uth. Edge back really thlowly..." Jay was already almost out of eyeshot of the Sue.

They were both out of sight rather soon and if anyone noticed that some trees had vanished, it was dismissed as part of the essential weirdness of "Aniron".

"Whew. Damn Elf-sues and their sneakishness."

"I hate them."

Jay was scanning the list. "Her pets are all normal, though-- when she's gone, they can stay in Middle-earth just fine."

Acacia breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, for a moment I thought you would want to bring bears back to Head-" she stopped, and stared hard at Mary Sue. Her eyes were fixed on the hostage situation going on- i.e., Mary Sue had a blade to Boromir's throat. "Calm down! She's not going to hurt him, calm down-" Jay grabbed her by the arm.

"Tell me," said Acacia in slightly strained tones, "Did Upstairs **ever** give missions to people based on how much it **wouldn't** bother them?"

"I don't think they judge. Really. Look, if it makes you feel better, I had it from Archy that our next mission is an Elrond Sue..."

"You've said."

"I'm sorry. Redundancy, catching."

Acacia sighed and leaned against a (real) nearby tree.

Jay distracted herself by writing down "really stupid names to name bears" in her notebook. She didn't feel like starting a scene.

"What idiot names a pet bear after her father?" Too late she realized she had spoken aloud.

"Same idiot who would name a forest after a verb or herself after a landmass?" suggested Acacia.

"Exactly." Jay began to scan again-- and jerked upright. "WHAT?"

"What 'what'?"

"I'm sorry. I just got the worst mental image- look!" Jay pointed out a bit of text. "Pangaea was lying on the floor still, Evenstar and Stormcrow sitting by her bare feet like guard dogs."

Acacia looked disturbed.

"Pet bears, thank the Lady."

"Oh." Now she looked relieved.

"But-- bad, wasn't it?"

"Very." She scowled. "It's not even as if coming up with names not already **used** is that **hard**."

"Introduction now-- must come, or we will miss charges."

Acacia nodded reluctantly, and stood up.

"You will not hurt her!" The voice commanded. Boromir came back into sight of the canonicals, a blade against his throat. "If you do then you will be one less on your quest of the Ring. Throw down your bow."

"Let him go." Legolas shouted.

"Throw it down or he dies." The blade pressed deeper into Boromir’s throat. The creature had moved to Boromir’s side, watching intently. "Drop it!"

"This is remarkably stupid. I wonder what she scores on the Sue litmus test."

"We can check when we get back," said Acacia airily.

"We can check here, actually-- I never travel without it. I just don't use it often, for it be depressing."

"Fun!"

"Do as she says Legolas." Aragorn (who the author was still calling Strider at every mention) urged. The bow fell to the ground; Boromir was pushed to the ground.

"I hereby christen this the Stupid Redundancy Fic," Jay muttered.

All she got in reply from Acacia was a low growl.

Events eventuated. There was a flicker, and-

"Why is Legolas wearing a dress?" Jay's eyes widened.

"And why does he match the Sue?" asked Acacia, sounding a bit shell-shocked.

It was, in fact, the fault of a rogue description: "An elf, as fair and beautiful as Legolas with hair as blond as his came from behind the tree, her dress, the same as Legolas’ in colour and style."

"Not that he doesn't look good in drag. Not as good as Elrond did, but-"

A quiet snicker cut her off.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Just imagining the probable result of your going back to OFUM and telling him that.."

Jay's face went a darker shade of brown. "He'd feed me to Barlog. But he **did** look damn good. I'll have you know Hugo Weaving's ass is a national icon, in Australia."

Acacia just smirked.

"I'd tell Boromir what you thought of him in a tuxedo, but he's not nearly so mean."

"Exactly."

"You will leave this place. You have brought an unthinkable evil here. Go and do not return." The Sue's gaze fell on Legolas.

"Hail, to the Princess Pangaea. Daughter of Mirkwood." Legolas said, bowing down and picking up his bow.

"When in doubt, flatter?" Jay asked quietly.

"I guess that's the reasoning.."

"I am no daughter of Mirkwood." Pangaea spat, Legolas stood. (The rest of the fellowship couldn't, being "rooted to the spot" by her beauty, and the fierce creature (which had not yet been called a bear) by her side.)

The Sue's gaze shifted. "You all must leave here."

"Slightly ironic, really," Acacia murmured.

"Legolas?" Frodo looked into the eyes of the elf, searching for some reasoning.

"We are kin, Frodo. Pangaea is my sister."

"Was! I am of no connection to Mirkwood any longer, Legolas." Her eyes filled with anger. The creature, sensed her anger, roared and reared up on its hind legs again, teeth bared.

"She's trying to drown the Fellowship in commas! The fiendishness."

"Can we just kill her now?" wondered Acacia. "We can feed her to her bears. Poetic justice shall be done."

"They don't have much reason to eat her. She's not particularly succulent, and she keeps them well fed.."

"Argh!" Sam was awake. "That thing nearly butchered me."

"That 'thing' is Honey-bump, my bear, and she was protecting her cubs." Pangaea turned her stared towards Sam, who cowered in the circle of Hobbits. "You got to close." She told him, her voice barely above a whisper.

"He got to close what? And shouldn't he know what a bloody bear **is**?"

"Don't look at me," said Acacia, " **I** don't know how Suvians think.."

"We should give her to Beorn or his kids to use as a baseball."

Acacia brightened. "Hey.."

"They don't know baseball. But there is golf."

"Every kid in the history of the world has known instinctively how to play some variant on the theme of catch."

Jay's laugh bordered on a cackle.

Honey-bump returned her paws to the ground. "You are unsafe."

Acacia rolled her eyes. "Are they **supposed** to be safe?"

"You and that terrible evil that you have brought into my forest. She felt threatened." Pangaea pointed to a spot beside the flowers. There are cubs! They were hidden so that you could not see, but come, if you must see for yourself.

Cautiously, they neared a small hole in the ground. Honey-bump grew uneasy her eyes searching wildly around the circle of strangers. "It is okay Honey-bump, they will not be hurt." Pangaea used the Mary Sue Aura of Smooth to calm the bear.

Acacia considered a moment. "I wish we could get a Sue for the Department of Fictional Psychology. I want to know WHY they name their Cute Animal Friends things like 'Honey-bump'."

"Because it's cute. ..And they think canon is a misspelled weapon."

Acacia sighed. "You know, if the authors can't write until they've passed OFUM, why are there so many like this around?"

"Black-market fic. They write anyway, learning nothing."

"Ahh." Acacia nodded.

"It's horrible. We should tell Cam."

"We shall. Right after we get back."

"Ayup."

Sam jumped behind Boromir who along with the small Hobbit, had no desire to see anymore of the creatures. Merry and Pippin stood at the front, desperate to see another, all felling of tiredness lost in the wonder of the bear. Two, small, brown balls of fur tumbled from the hole, clawing and biting at one another.

"Evenstar, Stormcrow." The cubs stopped fighting. Evenstar lay on her back, paws in the air, looking at the company up side down. Stormcrow ran to his mother staying by her side, fearful of the strangers.

"I find these names stupid."

"At least 'Honey-bump' wasn't **already in use** ," added Acacia.

"And not evocative of godawful mental images."

"Exactly."

Pangaea plucked a flower and gave it to Sam. It was only to be hoped that this felt like plucking an eyebrow, what with her connection to the forest. She went on to explain how she'd heard everything they'd said.

"Pangaea is an elf of magic, Sam. As you believed we all were." Legolas said grimly.

"I've yet to meet a non-magical elf in this universe... how about you?"

"I think he means she's an elf that goes around using magic excessively."

"Ah. Oh-oh-"

"Creatures such as you have no right being here Legolas. You destroy life, I created it."

"Iluvatar-player! Iluvatar-player!"

Acacia shook her head. "Is there even anything to be **said** to this?"

"I saw the right from the wrong in what our people were doing, but you...you were to afraid to stand up for what you believed in. You followed them and their ways, even though you were not completely comfortable with them. I had the courage to leave, to make it on my own. My 'creatures' belong here more than any of you do. They kill out of necessity, you have begun to kill for the pleasure."

"I don't lust after Legolas," Jay said with anger in her voice. "But that's just defamation of bloody character. Along with ALL the Mirkwood elves. HOOM."

"No trying to make moral points, Sue, we **all** know the reason you're doing this, no point in being sanctimonious while you're at it," Acacia complained.

With a low whistle, Pangaea made her way down the hill, Honey-Bump, Stormcrow and Evenstar following closely behind.

"We need to get away from these woods." Strider said, calling after her, a hint of anger in his voice.

Pointing north Pangaea said, "On that I can agree! It is three days in that direction that you must go."

"That is the way that we have come." Legolas pointed out.

"But I'm a bitch Sue and am going to complicate your lives. Dance, fools!"

"They don't want to be here, she claims not to want them here, **we** don't want them here, can we just make everyone happy?" suggested Acacia.

"Hang on-" Jay said through gritted teeth."

"And that is the way that you must go. I will not have you bring that evil any further into the Woods of Aniron. Leave! War or battle shall not cross the threshold of my land."

"Let us go forward." Boromir pleaded. "We shall be out of this woods by nightfall."

She turned to look at them. "Not through these woods. It is another five days journey. Had you a better guide you would know that." She looked at Strider.

"That's just about enough-!"

"The trees speak?" Legolas yelped.

The trees, one thorned and one unusually large evergreen, did indeed speak.

"I've had it up to here-" the evergreen motioned about neck level, "-with your bloody sanctimony and insults! And your damnable verb wood!"

"What are you talking about?" demanded Pangaea anachronistically.

"And your stupid names," added the bethorned one.

"Pangaea whose name does INDEED mean 'all the earth,' that's why they named a supercontinent after it... we've got some charges for you."

"Giving yourself, your forest, and your Cute Animal Friends really abysmally stupid names," Acacia began.

"Adding a forest where no forest can be-"

"Interfering with a quite unacceptable number of characters and burning out my Analysis Device-"

"Character defamation of the elves of Mirkwood in general, and Legolas specifically-"

"Threatening Boromir with sharp pointy things and then condemning Legolas for being too **violent** -"

"Screwing with the hobbits' heads-"

"Being Legolas' sister-"

"Creating a forest with godplaying powers-- oops, we said that. Which brings me to my next charge, redundancy-"

"Conspiracy to be dramatically injured and require one or more canon charactes to nurse you back to health-"

"And joining your soul to the forest, which is a) stupid, and b) annoying."

"AND," Acacia finished, "mucking with Legolas' eyesight, not bothering to **try** to tell Merry and Pippin apart, and being an idiot Mary Sue."

"Last words?"

"You-" Pangaea spluttered for a moment, then burst out- "It's GREEK, okay? You shouldn't make fun of my name!"

Acacia was, in the event, too busy laughing hysterically to kill her.

"THIS ISN'T GREECE, BRIGHT GIRL!" There was a sound like a large piece of wood impacting a cantaloupe as the sequoia brought a fist down heavily on her head.

Acacia finished laughing, got her breath back, and picked up the Sue, incidentally lacerating her in several places.

"Oops. That looks painf-- you have an arrow in your butt!"

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"I take it back. This is a very useful shape to be in." Jay beamed happily, extracting the few arrows that Legolas had shot at her. She was starting to look like an acacia herself. "I've never been to Beorn's house before!"

Acacia looked around. "Think we should give the Fellowship a portal back to wherever they **should** be? I imagine this forest will cease to exist soon."

"All right, y'all. That way-- that way, go that way. Uh-huh. You too. Keep your arms and legs inside the portal."

They had little trouble herding the shell-shocked canonicals through the portal; with all the bizarrity they'd just seen, a doorway in the air was very tame indeed.

"Righty now. Sue still knocked out?"

"Seems so."

"Good. Does Bjorn still live by whats-the-rock?"

"We can check."

"Hmm. The remote activator won't accept 'what's-the-rock' as valid input. You're the one with the disgustingly good memory, so here." Jay handed the activator to Acacia, who punched a few buttons, and another portal opened.

"WookitdapurtyHOUSE!"

Acacia groaned. She predicted another round of sightseeing fairly soon.

"CAMERA!" Jay produced said item, holding it carefully in overlarge hands. It took about ten [click] FLASHes before Jay noticed-

"We left the body."

Acacia handed her the activator. "YOU get it."

"Moo. You take good pictures or I shall hang you from the ceiling." Jay opened the portal and stepped reluctantly through.

**

The Sue was gone. "Daaaaaaaamn."

She portalled back to Acacia. "Did you take good pictures?"

"You didn't leave me the camera. Where's Pangaea?"

"Gone. Hiding in the woods. I feel **really** stupid."

Acacia groaned. "You **are** really stupid!"

"It's-- in Mordor, right?"

"What is?"

"Aniron-the-badly-named-wood."

Acacia shrugged irritably. "How should I know where she put it? You lost her, YOU go get her."

"I'm not going to bother. I'm going to burn the bloody thing down."

"Fun!" This last was **very** enthusiastic, as Acacia was in fact slightly pyro.

"Let's pop out and make sure it's not next to anything inflammable, yes?"

"Edge of the wood?"

"Yep."

Jay opened the portal, and stepped through.

**

"Oh."

Acacia's eyes watered. This wasn't even the vagueness caused by sparing description, this was the kind of absolute nothing you should **not** get inside a world.

"I love the smell of flames in the morning," Jay misquoted. "Smells like-" She heaved a flame jar grenade-style into the wood.

Acacia, less efficently, just held one up to a leaf.

>From the wood, there was a scream of pain. Jay didn't seem to care much, oddly enough.

It had apparently been Pangaea. The Generic Undefined Landscape vanished, depositing the assassins randomly in Middle-earth.

"Rohan!"

"Yep." Acacia sighed; Jay was **of course** going to insist on sightseeing here as well.

"Theoden's hall! Let's go see!"

Acacia just rolled her eyes and followed Jay.

**

"Ooh! The royal morgue thingy!" Jay's zeal was greatly degrading her vocabulary.

"Jay. You are taking pictures of a graveyard. That is strange."

"It's spooky and cool!"

Acacia rolled her eyes. Again.

"My pardon. Its sepulchural beauty and echoes of past greatness cry out to be captured on film. Better?"

"No."

"Why not? Don't you like art-babble?"

"It makes you sound like a tour guide."

"Ah." Jay looked down. "I'm out of film, anyway." She opened a portal silently, and motioned Acacia through.

Acacia stepped through.. and when Jay did as well it was to the sound of extremely creative swearing.

"WHAT?"

"..hurts!"

"The arrow!" The transition from wood to flesh, as well as into a smaller body, had shifted the arrow some, but it was still lodged in Acacia's skin. "Bugger! Do you want to go back through and pull it out? Or do we take you to Medical?"

"Medical Department," hissed Acacia. She then continued to swear, despite the fact that she was beginning to repeat herself.

"Can you walk?" Jay offered her a hand up.

"Yes!" Acacia snapped, despite evidence to the contrary.

"Don't make me fireman-carry you."

"I'm not going to!"

"Stand-- there you go, just lean on me-- you're distracted, we'll be there in no time."

"Shut **up**!"

"You're paying attention! Don't pay attention!"

"JAY.."

END

[Jay's A/N: Neither hail, nor snow, nor lowest common denominator fic sites... Aah. I ceased to be bitter about this some time ago, and just view it as INCENTIVE to get our mirror site up. We'll tell y'all when it's there, of course. If you write PPC and want it archived, please send it to me..

Yes. I'm being sadistic. I'm very fond of Thranduil, and Pangaea insulted him. The bears are fine-- more sense than their owner, they could leave the forest.

One last note: PPC is getting redundant. Un-fun. Jay and Acy need a change of pace, and so (after an Elrond fic, just to be fair), some major changes are getting made. Muahah.]

[Acacia's A/N: What, you thought a little thing like banishment would stop us?

Big thanks to Joan/the Philosopher at Large for hosting us pro tem, and profound *lack* of thanks to the FF.N webmaster and whoever got us deleted.]


	16. We Cannot Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

"Are you feeling better? Can you walk? Is it numb?"

Acacia glared. "Jay. I am not made of glass. You can quit fussing, I'm fine."

"I'm just concerned because they don't give us off-time for injury."

"They don't give us off-time for **anything**." She considered. "Unless we get killed, which is a bit extreme to get off work.."

"I remember a college professor's rant to that extent.."

"Oh?"

"No specifics-- just that the only excuse for being late to class was a funeral: your own."

"Ah- oh, here we are." While the partners had been distracted, they'd gotten from the Medical Department to their response center.

"Wunderbar." Jay opened the door and yawned. "I've not had enough sleep lately. You?"

"No one does."

"Skewit." Jay flopped into her chair, dropped her head into her arms, and was quickly asleep.

Acacia began counting under her breath.

**[BEEEEEEEEP!]**

"Six," said Acacia satisfiedly.

Jay glared. "Computer? You can wait an hour. Or I shall rewire you as a toaster. A programmable toaster."

**[BEEEEE-*]**

" **I'm** supposed to be the bad-tempered one," said Acacia, but without much rancor. By that strange effect of partnership, she was becoming more cheerful as Jay got upset.

Jay was still talking to the computer.

"Are we clear?"

There was an affirmative and cowed [bip.]

"Wake me up in an hour."

Acacia was impressed- this approach had never occurred to her before- and sprawled on the rug with The Ringworld Engineers. If they were actually going to have an hour off, **she** was going to enjoy it too.

**

[Beep?]

"Damnit. Been an hour already?

"Apparently," said Acacia, sounding vaguely disappointed.

Jay woke herself further. "Uggh. Now, let's see the assignment."

"And it was getting good. What kind of-" She caught her partner's expression. "Oh.."

Every muscle in Jay's body was tense. She stared in fury at the screen, eyes blazing.

"..that bad?"

There was no response but the sickening *crack* of plastic as Jay slammed a fist through the console screen.

Acacia blinked. "Jay.. you're scaring me.." She looked at the broken screen. "Should we get Makes-Things, or possibly go back to Medical..?" She surreptitiously stood a little further away from her partner.

Jay pulled her bleeding hand free. "I apologize for EVERYTHING I have ever said about you and Boromir fics. I rescind every comment I have ever made about your violent tendencies." Her voice was crystal clear, and unusually sane.

"Um. Thanks," said Acacia nervously.

"Medical? I'm bleeding."

**

"Weren't you just here?"

"My fist is bleeding."

"She punched through the screen of her console," Acacia added helpfully. Dr. Fitzgerald looked nervous.

"Fix it, please."

It didn't take long. The Medical Department at Headquarters was accustomed to treating everything from blaster shots to the Black Breath to the mutagenic effects of tree-of-life. A mere cut on the hand presented no difficulty.

"Thank you!"

Jay smiled pleasantly and walked calmly out the door. "Come on, Acacia."

Acacia followed her quietly out of the Medical Department, debating whether or not to ask Jay what had so upset her.

"We have to make arrangements for this. There is **nothing** we can do that's bad enough for her."

"Intercontinuum portal to the Disc and feed her to the Luggage?" Acacia suggested helpfully.

"No. If that were enough, I'd portal to Czechoslavakia and feed her to baby Otik."

"Then what do you suggest?"

Jay gave a slight smile. "She wants Elrond out of character? She'll GET Elrond out of character. I know just the place."

Acacia tried for a moment to work out what the hell Jay was talking about, then grinned evilly.

This did not seem to cheer Jay up. "Remember Laurel?"

"Yes.." Acacia said guardedly. "Why?"

"Remember how she had Boromir acting as the villain so she could run to Legolas?"

"I **see**."

"It's worse."

"Uh-oh."

"At least Laurel was **marginally** attracted to Boromir."

" **I** didn't get that impression."

"Forbidden thrills, liking abusive men, so on.." Jay's breathing grew rough. "And there wasn't an implied rape scene."

Acacia winced. "I **see**."

"First major breach of canon."

"Poor you."

"I'm sorry about the joking-- the Boromir fics-- you know."

"We're here." Acacia opened the door quietly.

There was a hiss of indrawn breath, and something scuttled behind the console.

"Enough of that," Jay snapped. "Get out from behind there. Is the screen fixed?"

"Almost," said Makes-Things, coming out only halfway.

"Can we travel?"

"Only the display was damaged, everything else works fine."

"Perfect." Jay, with a minimum of movement, chose elf disguises, and set the portal on a rare default-- "Home in on Sue".

Acacia picked up her gear from the various places around the room she'd let it lie.

"I'll be right back-" Jay strode out the door without giving her a moment to respond. It was a somewhat longer time than usual before she strode back in, carrying a bag marked "Supply Depot".

"Do I want to know what's in that?" Acacia wondered.

"You'll find out soon enough." Jay dropped it into her bag, where it made a metallic clunk. "Let's get this over with."

"Then open the portal," Acacia suggested.

Jay brought a closed fist down on the button, making Makes-Things cringe in sympathetic pain. "There."

Acacia stepped through the portal rather more quickly than usual.

"Welcome to the unspecified Elven Kingdom who-knows-where."

"I hate those."

"There. There is our Sue."

"Father, please, listen to me," the young Elven maiden begged in vain, knowing her pleas fell upon deaf ears, "I do not wish for this-"

"My child, none of us wish for the way our paths turn out if they are not to our liking, but we must not make a fuss," he r glanced at his daughter desperately, hoping she would understand.

Acacia blinked confusedly. "None of us wish for.. if they are not.." She turned to Jay. "Does that make sense to **you**?"

"Yes. Perfect sense. You're not missing much by not understanding, though."

"Either it makes no sense, or it's a statement of the blindingly obvious." Acacia shrugged.

"It's blindingly obvious and badly couched."

Andromielle Zinnia, numb from pleading, just stared straight ahead not meeting her Father's gaze. He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Lord Elrond has summoned you to him before the hour turns to dawn," as he said this, he busied himself with saddling the ebony steed which stood proud and tall, ready to carry his mistress to wherever she pleased.

"They **never** phrase things clearly," Acacia observed.

There was no response. When she turned it was to see Jay staring straight ahead, jaw clenched.

'Tis a marriage of immense honour and a great privilege upon you, my daughter, to know that the King handpicked you from maidens near and far to become his Queen," her Father wove his hand through her silken amaretto hair, as he had done many a time when Andromielle had been a small child.

Acacia quickly took several steps to the side.

"Now, really." Jay smiled--or at least, all of her teeth were showing. Let's call it a smile. She walked briskly forward until she was next to the Sue and her father. She snapped her fingers in front of his face several times.

"Who are you?" the Sue's father (never graced with a name) asked.

"Couriers. Sent from Lord Elrond to escort the Lady."

"But I only see one of you.."

"My partner has not made herself known. We are magic. Only your daughter can see us at all times."

"Aah.."

It was stupid. It was cliche. It was implausible. It fit perfectly with the story.

"A moment while we confer." Jay stepped back out of his eyeshot.

"So, you propose to kidnap the Sue?" said Acacia skeptically.

"No. I propose to stalk the bitch and make her life miserable. Can you ride a horse?"

"Fairly well, yes."

"I can stay mounted, and she's not in a hurry." Jay caught the father's attention again. "We require horses."

"Of course."

The Sue watched this in sullen and proud silence.

Two more horses were led out into the courtyard, pawing at the ground uncertainly.

"Need help mounting?"

"Nope," said Acacia. She had been unsure about riding bareback like elves, but as an elf it proved weirdly easy.

Jay, less coordinated, managed to get herself seated anyway. The Sue was still ignoring them. She only spoke once, to her father.

"I will keep this vow to undergo marriage with the King I respect so. You speak of such honour and privilege upon me, but did you not stop to think that I would be depriving my King of the one thing I cannot give him?"

"What is that?" came the emotional voice behind her.

"My heart," she barely whispered, as she dugs her heels into Mallith and made sure she did not look back.

"Idiot melodramatic kid," muttered Acacia, urging her own horse forward.

They rode only about an hour before Jay motioned to a passing time distortion. "Let's catch this. I don't want to wait 'many months' in her company..."

"Agreed."

**

Many months had passed as Legolas rode deep into Rivendell. The hour had drawn late. Dismounting his loyal stallion, the fair Prince of Northern Mirkwood wound his way around the curving Elvish pillars leading up to the House of Elrond.

"Lady Living, he took many months riding into Rivendell?" Jay, having spent the past few days making Andromielle as miserable as possible, had some of her good humour back.

"Must have gone the scenic route," said Acacia.

"Time distortion to that charge list. Poor Legolas."

They watched as the elf FINALLY made it into the city.

He knew this place like the back of his hand; the familiar earthy smell, the cascading splendour of buildings and the like, the shimmering waterfalls, the people - friends dear to both himself and his Father, King Thranduil.

"Ah, Legolas," upon his arrival, Lord Elrond greeted him joyously, "I have been awaiting your presence since sunrise. Tell me, how does my old friend, Thranduil, fare?"

"Since sunrise.. but it's been many months..?" Acacia made a great show of confusion.

"He's getting senile," Jay said with bitter cynicism. "After all, he is so old and decrepit."

"Life is treating him graciously," Legolas informed politely with a smile. "I also hear there have been tidings of joy in my absence," said he, eyes sparkling, "'Tis most wonderful news - my Father was most overjoyed to hear of your marriage to Queen Andromielle."

" **We** weren't," said Acacia, moving slightly away from Jay.

Lord Elrond's eyes grew misty and distant as Legolas spoke her name. "She is as radiant as the morning. Her kind soul excels even the brightness of that belonging to the Sun," he spoke slowly, trying not to become distracted by the image of her beauty.

"Excels even the brightness of the sun? What?" Acacia really **was** puzzled, this time. "Stupid Sue." Then she looked at the words ahead, and winced. Not to mention getting as far away from Jay as she could.

Legolas suppressed a grin of mirth as he noticed the look of lust on the old King's face, and Acacia found herself quoting an essay she'd read before.

"Seldom is any tale told of deeds of lust among them.."

"Come, Acacia. Let us harvest poison ivy for the queen."

"Sounds good to me."

**

Usually, Rivendell was a wonderful place to be in. This was not the case, this mission. In fact, this wasn't Rivendell at all. It was stuffy, suffocating, and filled with shrill whining courtesans.

And Elrond was king. He had never been king before, but now he was, and Rivendell was his kingdom.

Jay had been doubling up on her medication.

One advantage of badly-defined places was that whatever you were looking for was probably there, merely because it was being looked for. (Within reason. Had they gone looking for pizza they'd have been highly unlikely to find it. Or maybe not. You never can tell with some Sues.)

Andromielle was actually becoming quite fond of her "invisible ladies-in-waiting." After all, when you're stuck with a fussy old Lady-in-waiting like "Perpetua", and trapped in a "suffocating fortress of luxurious satin and elegant oak panelled walls", anyone who isn't overcritical is nice.

They were overcritical. She just didn't know it. Sarcasm was lost upon her.

"Queen Andromielle," that oh-so-infuriating shrill voice that Andromielle had grown accustomed to, much to her dismay, over the past few months rang out behind her, "Your Majesty should not wander about by herself. It is simply not how things are done."

"Perpetua, I am most acquainted to having the will to move freely of my own accord. Back at my home, I have freedom to do as I please..." she stopped when the stout little woman interrupted her.

"May I remind you, that back at your home you were a simple Elven girl. Now you are a Queen under the roof of gracious Lord Elrond. Things are performed quite differently here," Lady Perpetua sniffed in self-arrogance.

Jay raised an eyebrow, and glared at Andromielle's turned back. "She doesn't get it, does she?"

"What the hell is self-arrogance?" Acacia demanded, but quietly. "I mean.. as opposed to **what**?"

Jay chuckled quietly. They followed the queen as she was led to be "concealed, once again," in aforesaid suffocating palace.

Rivendell had never been suffocating or decadent before. It wasn't a nice change.

It was badly-defined, too. This wouldn't have been too bad- undescribed areas default to canon- but what **was** defined was against canon outright, as Rivendell was normally almost open and airy enough to make Acacia uncomfortable. The end result was a bizarre jumble of two different types of architecture, and hurt the eyes.

Jay dealt with it by taking pictures. "It's like an Escher painting. If Escher had been on LSD or some similar hallucinogen, that is.."

In Andromielle's room, Lady Perpetua fussed her way around the spacious bedchamber, talking quickly in short sentences about the arrival of some Prince and a banquet tonight that was to be held in his honour. However, the bossy little woman's words sounded completely alien to Andromielle's delicately tipped ears.

'A prince,' the young Queen thought to herself, suppressing a yawn of disappointment, 'another night of torturous boredom welcoming nobility into Rivendell.'

Acacia rolled her eyes. "She thinks **she's** got it bad."

She knew this Prince was not going to be any different; handsome but arrogant. A Prince who took it upon himself to make sure others knew of his high stature in Elvish society. Andromielle sighed. No different from the rest of them.

"Why, poor Andromielle," Jay spoke up. "Poor thing. If only you were in the place I know of-- no fussy courtesans, no kings, no princes, and so open and free."

"Where's that?" wondered Acacia.

"I'm talking about Rivendell," Jay said with a slight grin. "She's inflicted this on herself."

"Ah, yes," said Acacia, "I hate when they whine about their own works."

"I am slipping away. Do not tell Perpetua?" the Sue requested.

"Of course not."

**

They followed her, of course, down to the "shimmering brook nearby", where Legolas was conveniently waiting.

"An array of endless banquets. What good does it do anyone?" the weary mutterings of the Mary Sue broke him from his meditative silence.

"Well, it **feeds** them well.." Acacia speculated.

"I've never been so involved in a Sue's life before," Jay said. "You only begin to appreciate how well they're fed, dressed and quartered when you remember that we usually eat eggrolls and mutton, wear uniforms, and sleep on the ground."

"We do get one thing they don't," said Acacia, grinning. She sat down and opened up her pack. "Chocolate. Unless they're **really** anachronistic, of course.."

"Please pass some over."

The Sue had met Legolas, but was dramatically unaware of his identity. They had a waterfight to establish how much they both hated authority, and then Legolas admired the "beautiful iridescence of her porcelain skin," which created "an ethereal glow around her whole being."

"The iridescence only makes her look like a beetle," Jay commented. "I wonder if she knows that."

"If she knew, would she be doing it?"

"Doubtful. Very doubtful." Jay sighed and flopped back. "This is a tolerable place. Let's stay here until the banquet."

"All right." Acacia removed some more chocolate from her pack. "Do you have the cards?"

"Certainly. Do you play Casino?"

"Never heard of it."

"Wonderful."

**

The banquet that night was in "a great hall full with the presence of others." The actual others, however, were conspicuously absent. Elrond, Andromielle, and Legolas were there, but.. no one else. And yet the room still seemed full.

"This is worse than Disc ghosts," Jay said. They had taken up positions, behind Andromielle, and therefore were in perfect position to hear some truly sickening character mauling.

"My Queen, your beauty surpasses that of the entire race of elves," murmured Lord Elrond into Andromielle's ear. She felt nauseated - Elrond seemed more like a Father than a lover to her and thus, it was becoming more difficult to dodge his amorous intentions.

"How does that logically follow?" Acacia wondered, whilst unobtrusively moving slightly away from her partner. "Number Eight, the Total Logical Disconnect- 'I enjoy pasta, because my house is made of bricks.'"

Jay looked nauseated, too, but not for the same reason Andromielle was. "So soon."

"Here. Have some chocolate, maybe it'll make you feel better."

Jay took it with a shaking hand. The Sue went back to looking for Legolas.

Feeling her eyes light up, she finally caught sight of him entering the room quietly, whilst sliding with ease through the masses.

Without thinking, Andromielle rose from the majestic throne to greet the elf she knew not the name of.

"Feeling her eyes light up, eh?" Acacia said. "This is so wrong." She considered a moment. "You know, someday we should do an intercontinuum portal and give some elf-oppressed Sue to Disc elves. Let them know what **real** nasty elves are like."

"Yes. Most excellent."

The soap-operatic drama in front of them continued.

"Queen Andromielle," smiled Lord Elrond as he too rose, "'Tis time for you to finally meet Prince Legolas of Northern Mirkwood." He motioned to the fair elf in front of her.

Andromielle could hardly believe it. HE was a Prince? He had seemed nothing of the sort upon their meeting just a few moments earlier.

Acacia blinked. "This is.. boring."

Legolas swallowed sour disappointment, which had risen in his throat, quickly. SHE was Lord Elrond's new Queen? 'How could she possibly find sufficient satisfaction from him,' he wondered bitterly and immediately felt shame at thinking such thoughts against an old family friend.

"Poor Legolas. All out of character." Jay's voice was practically venomous.

"Everyone is."

Legolas kissed the Sue's hand, giving her shivers. There was a moment when they both met each other's eyes, gazing intently as Elrond practically prattled.

Jay reached forward and knocked a glass of wine onto Andromielle's seat-- a feeble gesture of defiance, but the best she could do for now.

"More than occasionally, I wish we could portal back into real life, and hunt down and kill the **authors** ," said Acacia sourly.

"The best we can do is torment them-- and after death our ghosts can haunt them," Jay paraphrased. "And damnit, I wish there was a jar of whiskey here."

"Eh?"

"Sorry. That verse's from Whiskey in the Jar. And whiskey might stop this pain."

Acacia sighed. "We might try getting a transfer to some other section. With less workload."

"I don't know." Jay sighed. "Do we want to hear Arwen rant about Andromielle? Or stay out of the way?"

"I vote stay out of the way; we've seen enough tonight."

"Yes." The scene was quite nasty, too. Arwen ranted to Aragorn for a while, which was good, but then Elrond snapped at her, telling her not to judge him, because SHE was hanging out with a mortal.

It was sickening.

The time was better spent, really, in making preparations for the imminent capture of the Sue. And in playing cards. Had it been raining, and there been cars in middle earth, washing them would have been time better spent. Sitting around eating chocolate was time better spent, and Acacia did quite a lot of that.

**

Jay looked up at the words. "Time."

"Blast."

**

"A gift awaits you in your chamber," informed Elrond as they approached the doorway of the bedchamber. Andromielle glanced at him with a watery smile (whatever **that** was) as she entered the swirling fretwork of her room.

Upon her vanity dresser, wrapped protectively in a brocade of silk, lay a beautiful golden circlet. It shone with the shimmer of hidden jewels.

Hidden jewels are pointless. The Sue, however, was delighted.

"It is a heirloom passed down through the many generations of my ancestors. Now it shall be passed to you," Lord Elrond was pleased at Andromielle's reaction.

"I cannot accept this," she handed it back to him.

He merely took it in his hands and placed it upon her forehead to assure Andromielle that she certainly could.

"This is just disgusting," Acacia observed.

"Your radiance astounds me," he whispered huskily, as he began kissing her neck.

Grimacing at the strange contact, Andromielle felt him push her down onto the satin covered bed.

"My Lord," she whispered, a slight tremor in her voice.

There was a startling crash as the door burst open. "WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?"

"I'm assuming **you** want to charge her, right?" said the quieter of the elves who had just walked in.

Andromielle's eyes widened with recognition. "What are you-" She got no further.

The first elf strode over to Andromielle, grabbed the neck of her ridiculous gown, and slammed her against the wall.

"You want to? Or should I?" The hostile elf had a look of malicious satisfaction on her face.

"Knock yourself out. Or, better yet, her."

"Andromielle Zinnia, you are hereby charged with-"

"What are you doing?" Elrond looked at her indignantly, radiating authority. And the elf paused. There was a moment of silence, and then she turned, slamming a close-fisted hand across Andromielle's face.

Canon snapped back into place with a lurch.

"That was impressive," said the quiet elf appreciatively.

"She's not even dead. Canon was just that far stretched out of shape." The hostile elf produced a pair of glittering rings, linked together with a thick chain. Most denizens of modern earth would have known them as handcuffs.

"Where'd you get those?"

"Supply depot. Along with this." The hostile one produced a bag that went clink, and dumped out about five feet of iron chain.

The quiet elf blinked. "Overkill, possibly?"

"Possibly."

Elrond was beginning to recover his senses: he watched in bemusement as the hostile elf looped the chain around the handcuffs, creating a rather ponderous leash.

"On your feet, Sue!" The elf kicked Andromielle to make her wake.

"Would I be imposing if I were to ask for an explanation?" Elrond asked, drawing their attention back to him.

"It'd take too long," said the quiet one, "and you probably wouldn't believe us anyway."

"Do you remember what you were doing when we came in?" the hostile one asked cautiously.

Elrond seemed puzzled, but his expression quickly turned to disgust. He glared at the recovering Andromielle.

"Unfortunately, I do. Is... **she** responsible for this?"

"That's about the size of it," said the quiet one. "Now, Jay, where are we going from here?"

"Arrangements, remember. Pick up point is just outside Rivendell." She strode out, half-leading, half-dragging the Sue behind her.

The quiet one followed, closing the door behind her.

"NOW we can charge you," Jay hissed. Andromielle drew back as far as her leash would let her.

"Andromielle Zinnia, I hereby charge you with character defamation, time distortion, altering the society of the Elves of Middle-Earth, altering the construct of Rivendell, and playing fast and loose with the characters of Legolas, Elrond, Arwen, and Aragorn. You are sentenced to torture and public exhibition. Any last words?"

"What are you talking about- this isn't my fault, I didn't want this!" She glared at Jay. "Who ARE you?"

Jay grinned. "Just transport, dear." She handed the iron leash to Acacia. "They should be coming through about-"

There was a subtle ripple in the air as Miss Cam appeared, dressed (for some reason) in black leather.

"Now."

Elrond appeared next to her, making Andromielle jump. He was also clad in rather tight-fitting black leather.

Jay folded to the ground in a dead faint.

Acacia put a hand to her head. "Oh, gods. Wake UP.." She prodded Jay with her foot.

"Meep." Jay hauled herself to her feet.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" Andromielle wailed.

"You wanted Out of Character Elrond? Well, by Grapthar's hammer, you got'm."

"What do you mean-"

"Shut up, Annie," said Acacia, smirking. "Here you go," she added, and handed the chain to Miss Cam.

Miss Cam gave it a jerk, making the Sue stumble. She waved merrily as she disappeared through the portal whence she had come.

"That was surreal," Acacia said. "Let's go home."

"Mr. Jelly!" For the first time in quite a while, Jay was really smiling again.

All was well.

END

[Jay's A/N: I really, really hated her. What else is there to say?]

[Acacia's A/N: One of *those* Sues- misrepresenting the entire race of Elves again. When will they get it through their heads?

Sue in a really bad situation, me vindicated- everyone is happy. Except Andromielle, and who cares what she thinks?]


	17. Darkness Awakened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

[Bing!]

"Eh," said Acacia, "that's a new one by me.."

"It's not a mission. It's a message." Jay hit the print button.

_[Your presence is requested Upstairs.  
Yes. Right now._

-S.O]

"Never thought they'd **want** us Upstairs," said Acacia reflectively.

"It is a surprising thing." Jay rubbed her eyes, and dropped her bag. "Maybe something to do with the week or so we were away with this Sue..."

"Hope not," said Acacia. (Never underestimate the ability of those Upstairs to make an agent's life hell.)

"We were within our rights, really. And it wasn't all skittles and beer."

" **You** try explaining things to a Director."

"Okay!" Jay looked around. "But.. there isn't one here. I could pretend the wall was a director-"

Acacia groaned. "You **know** what I mean."

"Only half the time."

"Very funny."

**

Acacia eyed the open door warily. "It's **never** left open! Half the time it's not **there**!"

_Are you coming in, or are you going to spend another two weeks arguing on the threshhold?_

Acacia shrugged, and stepped through.

_I think we've made a serious mistake,_ the Official said thoughtfully, fronds steepled.

"Who is this, and what have they done with the SO?" Jay whispered.

_I heard that._

"Well, I'm generally in agreement, but to what were you referring?" said Acacia, reverting to her bad habit of referring to a statement several statements back instead of the statement that was just stated.

_It is bandied about that we assign missions based on the stress factor that they will cause to Agents. This is true._

"You **hardly** needed to tell us," said Acacia sourly.

_HOWEVER,_ the sunflower interjected with some annoyance, _we feel we may have miscalculated._

"Shall I repeat myself?"

_MISS Byrd, I would thank you to shut up for a moment!_ Its fronds coiled angrily for a moment. _Contrary to popular belief, we DO try to preserve the sanity of our agents. You've both been under undue stress, and I am therefore transferring you temporarily to a new Department._

This was big enough news to shut even Acacia up. Momentarily.

"You-" she blinked. "You what?"

"Is this about Andromielle?"

_And Laurel, and Aria, yes._

There were no chairs, so Acacia had to settle for the floor on which to half-collapse, half-sit.

"Acy! Are you all right?"

"Yes.." she said, sounding rather stunned.

"You don't look it."

"I'll be fine, Jay."

_We'll be stationing you in the Department of Implausible Crossovers-_

Acacia looked even more glum.

"Been there. Got kicked out. Don't you remember?"

_Yes. I remember that you attempted to kill a canonical character-- Potter, wasn't it?_

"Yes," said Acacia, in that long-suffering tone which means "We've been through this before, now drop it or I shall have to hurt you."

_Despite this, the fact is that IC's workload has increased with the rest of it, but it has not benefitted from the recent influx of recruits- most of these have become assassins._

"But IC department was actually getting new volunteers!"

_A wild crossover has gone out of control. Most of the force is working on it._

Acacia blinked. "On.. **one**.. crossover? And **how** many Untanglers constitutes 'most' these days?"

_Some dozen.. Yes. ONE crossover. You'd be practically on your own._

"And this is meant to be reassuring?"

_No. But most crossovers do not interfere greatly with your registered favorites._

Acacia sighed. Arguing with Directors was a notoriously pointless activity, rated by most of Headquarters as somewhere in between "attacking an army of orcs with a toothpick" and "trying to get an alarm clock to work in this godsforsaken place."

_In an hour, you will be expected in the Director of Implausible Crossovers' office. Until then, your time is your own._

"How," said Acacia sourly, "do we know when it's been an hour?"

_Mostly by the intercom page. -You could go now, if you wanted._

Acacia was only too happy to- the floor was just bare Generic Surface, and not comfortable at all.

"Need a hand up?"

"Jay, I can **stand** at least," snapped Acacia, doing so.

"I was just worried. What's wrong? You went pale when it said we were being transferred..."

"It was unexpected," she said, and headed out the door.

"You usually deal with the unexpected much better than that."

"Yes, but it's less unexpected. We **expect** Sues to be flaming bitches where we're concerned and screw up the canon beyond all recognition, the only unexpectedness is how they decide to do it."

"Whatever." Jay shook her head. "I'M looking forward to it."

" **You've** never **been** in IC before."

"Hey, I miss the days when you could be called to any canon. YOU weren't around, then."

Acacia shrugged. "Whatever you say.."

"Look, I love Middle-earth. But I miss the days of crawling around Jeffries tubes after a Sue, or running around ancient Greece.."

"And I **don't** miss the days of trying to convince Draco Malfoy to just go through the shiny portal, no, you are **not** in fact part Elf, just go through it already."

"He's small enough to throw."

"Yes, but **you** try getting his wand off him."

"Oh, like getting passed people armed with swords or phasers to get to a Sue was joyous. If I could count the security force-fields I've bounced off of.."

**

"Well.. it's a nice change from the gray..." The way to the Implausible Crossover Director's office was not the distance-distorting gray that most of the halls were. It was, instead, a nice shade of black.

"I like it," Acacia announced.

"That's nice," came Jay's voice from the darkness. "Although a few more lights would be appreciated."

"You're the one with the flashlight."

There was a click, and a beam of light illuminated-- not much. "At least I can see you, now."

"If not where we're going. You'd think they **would** light the place better, really.."

"Like they'd want to." Jay walked forward a few more steps, and ran shin-first into the far wall. "Damnation."

"Some advice: Don't walk into walls."

"I couldn't SEE it."

Jay sighed. "But we're here."

"Air currents, Jay. They can't go through walls. Pay attention and you can tell where the walls are."

"Thank you. I feel much better now." Jay ran her hands over the wall. "Do we knock, or is there a doorknob?"

"If you can't find a knob, knock."

"There's a knob today." Jay discovered this in the time tested way of bashing her elbow against it. "Ow."

"Idea: Instead of telling me about it, **open the door**."

Jay opened the door. "My. That's certainly green..."

Acacia just smirked as she entered, as if she knew something Jay didn't.

"Where's.. the director?" The room was empty, except for what looked like shag carpeting across the walls and ceiling.

"He's right there," said Acacia mildly. "What, can't you see him?"

"Humour the flake. Tell me."

"You're looking right at him!"

_Good MORNING!_

"It's... lichen?"

Acacia looked smug.

"It's lichen that sounds like John Cleese." Jay said this experimentally, not quite willing to trust it.

"Yes, dear. It's lichen that sounds like John Cleese."

"I hate you."

"Whyever is that?" Acacia asked sweetly.

"You COULD have said something.."

"That would have been no fun."

"You know? You're a dork."

"You know, that's possibly the stupidest insult I've ever-"

_Ladies? Ladies? If you'd excuse me for a moment, I do have some rather pressing news-"_

They both turned to face the director. (Since he was plastered all over the walls and ceiling, they were facing in completely different directions, but still.)

_Yes. First, I am supposed to show you the Tangled Web fiasco: a sort of cautionary measure, as it were._

"That doesn't sound good," Acacia observed.

_I assure you, it is not._

On the back wall, the lichen drew aside to reveal a portal. _Just through there, now, and mind your steps._

Acacia shrugged, and stepped through. Into a chaos zone.

For the first time in five minutes (a fair duration, with Jay), her partner spoke. "That's Doctor Who!"

"Eh? Where?"

"There! Ooh, there's another one. And THERE'S the ditz from Touched by an Angel, and-- hey, there's Xena, long time no see."

"And- who's that-?"

"Which one?"

"That person. Over there. The one that looks like James Bond."

"I think that **is** James Bond."

"Good grief."

"Would you like to use the camera..?"

"Not particularly."

Jay took Acacia's arm and pulled her back through the portal.

"I think you've made your point."

_Why, you left before you saw the Star Trek characters._

"Which Star Trek?"

_All of them._

Jay shot a frightened look at Acacia. "Jeeze."

"I think I see why so many agents are on it," said Acacia weakly.

_Now you see why we want you to stop this sort of thing before it starts. Oh, and Acacia, dear.._

"What?"

_Please don't try to commit homicide? You aren't an assassin anymore._

"We've been **through** this! That was over a year ago!" She considered. "I think. It's kind of hard to tell without day and night or working timepieces.."

_Yes. We have all heard your complaints on the subject. Are you still equipped with the universal translator?_

"Yes.."

_Your partner will need one, I think._

While the shows and books were written and directed in English, in CANON language was not so for forgiving. Westron, Greek, Interworld, and the ever-vague "Federation Standard" were merely some of the languages an agent would encounter. This had been solved with pirated translating spells, and the perfect Deus Ex Machina device-- the Universal Translator.

She turned to Jay. "What, did you lose it?"

_Oh, did she have one? My apologies, ma'am, I thought you were working under a spell._

"Nope. Got one back in the day."

_Wonderful. You can start right away._

"I am thrilled," said Acacia sourly. "Are we switching response centers?"

_Absolutely not. I'll have that young man in engineering rewire the consoles._

"I'm sure he'll be pleased."

_Why don't you run along? I'm sure he'll be done soon._

Acacia did so, without actually saying anything, although she did grumble something sounding like "Run along.." under her breath.

"Well, he seemed nice. I'm surprised you don't like him."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Why?"

"The SO is snippy, and the Marquis needs medication, but he seems sane-"

A niggling suspicion was itching its way through Acacia's head. "You just like him because he sounds like John Cleese, don't you? Don't think I don't remember that you're in the cult of Python."

"I resemble that remark."

Acacia scowled. "Anyway, we're here."

Jay grinned and kicked open the door.

"AAYI!!"

"Hello, Makes-Things."

"What are you doing here?"

"We belong here. This is our response center," Acacia pointed out.

"It's not done yet. Go away!"

Acacia turned to her partner. "Can he kick us out?"

"I don't believe he can!"

"Didn't think so." Acacia sprawled on the rug again.

Makes-Things gave a feeble grin and turned back to the console. He began to mutter. The muttering was in Korean, but the Universal Translator conveyed it as "stupid thing-breakers oughta be tossed outa window won't let me work..."

"Makes-Things?" said Acacia sweetly. "We have translators, dearie. You cannot speak in other languages and expect us not to understand."

"Bother you both."

"I'd really rather bother you-"

"I know."

They let him work. For about two minutes.

"So, how much longer is this going to take?"

"It depends on how often you pester me."

There was silence for another few minutes.

"Are you done yet?"

"Not yet!"

Two more minutes passed.

"Are you do-"

"SHUT UP!"

They did, but- as might be guessed from the fact that they were Jay and Acacia- not for very long.

"By the way, we- oh, yeah. I was about to say we need new Analysis Devices, but if we're being transferred.."

"You'll need the added database models, then. Damn."

"The Mary Sues kept burning them out," Acacia added by way of explanation.

"Right."

"It's true."

"Uh-huh." Makes-things' head snapped up. "I tell you what! Why don't you get them from my workshop? Remember to pay attention-"

"You're trying to get rid of us, aren't you?"

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you."

"Let's go get them, anyway."

"Sure." Acacia got up off the rug, the agents left the room, and Makes-Things sighed relievedly and went on working in peace.

**

"We're back!"

"It's done."

"Oh, good," said Acacia, flopping on the rug again.

[BEEP]

She swore.

"Hmm." Jay looked over at the screen. "Star Wars...? And Lord of the Rings? Oh, dear."

Acacia winced. "How bad?"

"It doesn't look good, let's put it that way." Jay frowned. "Am I going to miss homicide?"

"Probably. I know **I** will."

"But-- but no, we're in luck! There are two killworthy avatars."

"Oh, **good**." Acacia brightened considerably.

The Avatar was only one of many breeds of Self Insertion-- unlike Sues, they tended to be mostly male, and with no romance involved. Of course, they too often had superpowers, making them pains in the arse if killing became necessary.

Jay read through the story, and stared. "I lied. One is the reincarnation of Isildur. Nickname 'Izzy'."

Acacia glared at nothing in particular. "Doesn't the idiot know that humans stay **dead**?"

"He teems up with a Jedi named Matrix. May I just point out that Jedi are bitches to kill?"

"I am really **not** looking forward to this. Have **you** ever tried explaining to someone that they have to come back now to where they're supposed to die?"

"No. I haven't." Jay sighed. "Do we have to kill all the gratuitous extra female Darths? Or do they go poof after we sort out the avatars?"

"We have to kill them **all**. Not going to be easy, I'm sure." She looked around. "Where'd Makes-Things get to?"

"Oh, the Darths are pushovers... look at all these bit characters! Are automatic weapons in this canon?" She looked around. "Behind the console. Come ON, that's my spot. Out!"

Makes-Things came reluctantly out of his hiding place, picked up his toolboxes, and made as if to leave.

"Come back. We still need a whatsit and all the rest of the stuff, you **know** that," said Acacia.

"A whatsit?" Jay wondered.

"It's this thingy, you use it if the characters have eaten anything in another continuum they might not be able to handle."

"Yes. The Whatsit." Makes-things dug in his toolbox. "Here's one... shouldn't you be on your way?"

"And we need-" Acacia pointed out.

"Fine. FINE! Just take a Despatch kit and go!"

"Why're you so upset?"

"I've got a lot of work to do! Things've been breaking left and right, and then you two had to have a psychotic episode and get transferred.."

"We're not asking you to stick around."

"I'll be back in five minutes with the stuff. Stay!" Makes-things skuttled away.

"What a strange person," Acacia observed.

"Pot? Kettle. Kettle? Pot."

"Oh, you shut up."

Jay grinned. Then she tapped the "disguise" settings, and made a puzzled face.

"Jay..? What are you doing?"

She raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at Acacia. Then she very slowly pointed at the settings.

"Well, I know **that** , but to what- oh, you're hopeless."

Jay sat silently, arms folded.

Acacia leaned against the wall. If Jay was going to be stubborn, so was she.

Jay massaged the bridge of her nose. Then she reached over, grabbed Acacia, and dragged her to look at the disguise panel. She flipped through the settings with an expectant look.

"Jay.. if you won't talk.."

"You did tell me to shut up."

"You know perfectly well what I mean. Or you should, by now."

"I will not deal in idiom while you CONTINUE to be stubbornly literal."

Acacia just sighed. "Anyway, what did you mean?"

"Which disguise should we use? I note that this universe uses catgirls as gratuitous eyecandy, but I doubt you'll be wanting that."

Acacia looked wistful. She **did** like cats, but she didn't like the idea of using the shape of, as Jay had aptly put it, gratuitous eyecandy. "What are our other choices?"

"Human, mostly. In fact, human with just about any trappings.." Jay considered. "Do you have a favorite Star Wars race?"

"Eh." Acacia stared into space. "Hard decision."

"I like the looks of the cloner aliens, but I don't see us being able to do much damage that way.. The Naboo are just human.. I'd be too hot as a Wookie.. What are those things with the head extensions?"

" **Which** things with the head extensions?"

"Sort of looks like a tentacle? Jabba's secretary was one? Long nails, sharp teeth?"

"Those would be Twi'leks."

"Would you like to be those? I like those. And how do you know that?"

"Sure, we'll be those. And I know because I'm a complete and total nerd.."

Jay set the disguises. "So many choices, now."

"Yes, indeed," said Acacia, grinning broadly.

"Do we get lightsabers?"

"Only if we steal them from the OCs." Acacia grinned. "I claim Matrix's. What kind of a name is that, anyway?"

"A really annoying math concept?"

"You're only allowed to be called that if you're from Reboot canon," said Acacia moodily. "Now open the portal."

"Portal, hoooo!"

Acacia stepped through, and grinned happily. (The effect was rather spoiled with her new teeth, but it's the thought that counts.)

They were in a parking lot, quickly getting soaked by an impressive rainstorm.

"Is there anyplace to get out of the rain?" Acacia wondered. "Nearby, so we can still watch-" she sniggered- "'Fabio'?"

"There's an awning over there."

A young man slogged past them, newspaper over head, heading to a rather battered car.

"Bad idea," Acacia observed, "using cheap paper as an umbrella. It never works."

He got into the car and tried to start it up. It refused to start, and he swore at it.

"Such language," said Acacia happily.

"This is weird. The grammar is good, and the descriptions are fair. It's such serious and carefully crafted nonsense..."

"Some idiot just wanted to use Lord of the Rings and Star Wars as backdrops for their own odd little daydreams."

"It's.. well, I won't say it would be great, but passable original fiction. But this is just abSURD."

"Yes. Isildur should never be named Fabio. You've got to wonder where this author got the whole idea.."

"It's better than Izzy."

Fabio, aka Isildur aka Izzy had given up on his car and was now grumbling away with a gas can.

"Nor should he drive a car. Nor marry a cat-woman, nor know anyone named 'Matrix'.."

Three unpleasant looking somethings slid out of an alley just in front of them, following Fabio. "Ahah, the bad guys."

"Yes. You can tell they're bad guys because they're hiding in the shadows and enjoying the morbid weather." Acacia blinked. Why is mere rain 'morbid'?"

"I like it. It doesn't seem obsessed with death."

"Lack of grip on adjectives." Acacia sighed. "This isn't Middle-Earth **or** anywhere in the Star Wars continuum. I feel sure I would know if there was a planet someplace with old rusty cars that run on actual gas. This is real life. They should have given it to Despatch."

"Nope. This is Prop City Vysible, or however he's spelling it..."

"What'll they come up with next..?"

"Singing dancing mouse with his own amusement park?"

"Given the general level of intelligence to be found, I suspect it's been done."

The pair trailed along behind Fabio (who was "moving like an enraged giant" in search of a gas station,) and his pursuers.

Fabio sighed, only to find a dead end.

He kicked the brick wall in front of him "Life sucks," he said to himself out loud.

"Does it, now? Perhaps we can end it for you?"

This had been said by one of the pursuers. Acacia glared. " **I** was going to say that.. although I probably shouldn't, he's technically canonical, although this is the worst case of Canon Possession I've **ever** seen.."

"Yes. I liked how a brick wall appeared when he sighed, though."

"Manifesting landscape- why am I mentally assembling a charge list?"

"Habit, force of."

"Probably."

Dropping the gas canister in shock, Fabio whirled around to face this newcomer. He blinked in surprise to find nothing. Darkness sat in front of alleyway entrance, darkness so deep he could barely see anything in front of him. It HAD NOT been this dark earlier, and it was impossible for it to change so quickly.

"Obviously it IS possible.."

"If it happens," Acacia said sourly, "clearly it's possible. This would be why I have no patience for people who stand around saying 'That's impossible!' when it **just happened**."

"Yes, that would have been my point-"

He walked forward, figuring he would simply return the way he came and pass through the darkness.

He walked straight into some unseen object, hit his head, and fell to his ass.

"Fell to his-" Jay cocked her head. "Well, that's the first time I've ever heard it used that way. Interesting. Usually it's "fell on"."

"Huh?" he questioned, dumbly.

"Okay, this is just **bad** ," said Acacia.

"I don't disagree."

He picked himself off the ground, and grabbed a grabbed a broken pipe that lied nearby.

"...now THAT was bad."

"Worse than the rest of this?"

"Well, it is rather silly." Jay sighed. "It lied nearby? What exactly did it say?"

"Maybe it claimed to be a vegetable."

Jay giggled.

Fabio jabbed the shadow with the pipe and felt it smack against the apparently solid shadow. It was as if a wall of shadows had formed in front of him.

"He said things twice. It was as if he were redundant."

Acacia leaned back against the wall to enjoy the show.

As if he wasn't already surprised with what had happened, he became even more so when the shadow grew an ooz-like vine. Two more of the black vines shot out from the wall, while the first slapped his pipe out of his hand and knocked it to the side.

"Are they giving us redundant fics on purpose?"

"No idea," Acacia said, "but I wouldn't put it past them."

Fabio was struggling impotently against the black "vines", pausing only to waste his breath with a dramatic "Damn... you..."

Acacia sighed. " **I** thought we were going to get to see the Star Wars continuum."

"Poor dear. Maybe later."

Acacia looked disappointed. Then someone in a trenchcoat with a lightsaber arrived conveniently to come to Fabio's rescue.

The newcomer wore a tan-colored trench coat, soaked with rain as much as Fabio's own jacket. His brown hair was tied in a long ponytail, also soaked.

This was unsurprising. EVERYTHING was soaked.

His saber, which had just been used to hack up Fabio's assailants, hissed loudly in the rain. Acacia looked at it intently.

"I want."

"It is very pretty, I agree. But you would be scary with a lightsaber.."

"Good."

The stranger frowned, then spoke for the first time since he arrived.

"Only one dead?" he complained with a scoff. "I must be loosing my touch..."

"That doesn't sound very Jedi-like to **me** ," Acacia complained.

"How do you loose a touch? Was it on a leash?"

"Honestly. Betareaders are your **frieeeends**.."

The two remaining shadow beasties oozed up to confront the newcomer, morphing into vaguely human shapes.

"Maybe we should have used THOSE disguises."

They did look interesting.

Black skin scaled their face, and their eyes glowed with a bloody red light, brighter then the stranger's weapon. Hooked claws protruded from his hands (but not hers, apparently,) and feet and wire-like hair hung from their heads. A strange, dark armor adorned their body; etched all over with strange runes.

Acacia considered this a moment. "Nah," she decided. "Look how easily they get sliced up."

"But they look cool, you must admit."

Unfortunately, they were both easy to kill and stupid. One fell for the "behind you!" trick and was dispatched with a few blows from a metal pipe. The other one ran into the lightsaber. It was sad.

"Hey, Izzy, are you all right?" the stranger asked Fabio.

Acacia snorted. "I take it back. 'Fabio' is a better name than 'Izzy'."

"Especially as derived from 'Isildur'. But maybe he was jealous of 'Leggy?'"

"Don't **even** remind me.."

"Who the hell are you?" he demanded, "What the hell are you? And what hell do you want?" His frustration was evident and stance was hostile. The stranger didn't seem to be fazed by this, and simply laughed.

"My name is Matrix. I'm a Jedi Master." Fabio's memory flashed at that as the man's comment hit Fabio with yet more Déjà vu.

"Maybe the author meant deja-fu?" Jay quipped with a grin, trying to distract her partner (who was looking nauseated).

"No, you're not a Jedi Master, else you wouldn't **complain** about the number of whatever-they-ares you killed!" She blinked. "And **you** said no more Thief of Time for **me**."

"Look. It fits! Hit with deja-fu!"

"What fits what? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, forget it."

Continuing, Matrix spoke some more. "Being redundant, this fic said the same thing repeatedly," Acacia observed.

"What I want is victory. You may not remember me, but we fought together once, against a great evil. We lost."

Matrix paused, letting his words sink into the nerve-rattled Fabio. "We've been given a second chance. The evil has awakened, and so have we. We can fight the fight we lost before, and we can win this time round. But to do that I need you. I need you to remember the man you once were and the warrior you once were."

"We shall fight on the seas and oceans-- we shall not flag or fail: then they shall say of us, OOF!" Jay broke off as Acacia elbowed her in the ribs.

"So, the man he once was and the warrior he once was are **different people**? Just **how** many times did she reincarnate the poor sod, anyway?"

Jay sighed, rubbing bruised ribs, and read ahead. "Wait a minute!"

"What?"

"Those shadow things? The easily killed shadow things?"

"Yes.."

"Those are the wraiths!"

Acacia put a hand to her head. "Severely reducing the- no, bad Acacia, must quit making charge lists.."

"All we have to do is get Isildur back into Middle Earth. You might charge Matrix, though, if it would make you feel better-"

"It would. Muchly."

"What will happen to this world with Isildur gone? It doesn't violate Star Wars canon."

"Either it'll vanish or reincorporate. But Matrix, at least, has to go. We cannot have bloodthirsty Jedi Masters running around."

"That's true. He IS a canon buster-- you get to kill him after all." Jay sighed. "Now all we have to do is keep Matrix from killing us long enough to get Isildur through the portal."

"We could steal his lightsaber," suggested Acacia brightly.

"When?"

"Um..?"

While this had been going on, Matrix had been dramatically informing "Fabio" that "You are Isildur, High King of the Realms in Exile, son of Elendil, one of the three rulers of the Visible City. And I need your help."

"We really need weapons.. is there a point at which they separate?"

Acacia checked the words for a moment. "Yes. Just after whatever-we-ought-to-be-calling-him gets upset at all the history Matrix is repeating to him and starts yelling."

"What about 'Dark Isildur?' The supposed embodiment of the ring's evil?"

"He's currently a statue. Maybe we could bring him back to Headquarters for decoration."

"To put with the Long Table Elrond?"

"We **could** send him to Miss Cam, yes.."

"You mistake me. After OFUM ends, Miss Cam is lending him to the PPC."

"Oh! Fun!"

"Ist not?"

Acacia thought a moment. "We may need to find a way to stop the thing spontaneously reanimating on us and trying to kill us, of course."

"Oh, wonderful."

"I'm sure Makes-Things will be able to come up with something."

"Or we could just take a large mallet to it."

"We could nick a stasis device out of some continuum or other.."

"Or we could take a large mallet to it."

"Are you going to continue to suggest large mallets whatever I propose?"

"I don't like it. It's ugly and evil."

"Fine, we can smash it. We'll have plenty enough souvenirs anyway."

Jay bit her lip. "Getting to the statue's going to be about as easy as getting through Matrix. Which do we try first?"

Acacia considered. "Well, I'd wait till Matrix and 'Izzy' separate, then reinstate Isildur into the canon. He seems to be the focus of this disruption, anyway, so it may be easier to get the rest then. After that we can mop up Matrix and the various gratuitous Darths."

"Mopping up Matrix isn't going to be a cakewalk. He's an avatar-- super-duper powers."

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."

"Okay. They're heading into Fabio's apartment building-- do we follow?"

"Absolutely."

"At least it'll be out of the rain."

"Yeah.." **

Jay and Acacia huddled quietly in an alleyway as Matrix got into a taxi and left. They'd spent a rather cold and miserable hour on the stoop waiting as he and Fabio reminisced, and were quite glad that the exposition was over.

Acacia shrugged. "I suppose it's time. But what're the odds he doesn't want to go back? Given that he's just going to get killed, I mean."

"Oh, yes, we'll TELL him that. Uh-huh."

" **Good** point."

Jay took a deep breath and started up the stairs. Acacia followed, and at the top she took a deep breath of her own then knocked on the door.

It opened only partially, as it was chained. Fabio peered out sullenly. "Can I help you?" He blinked. "What ARE you-!"

"Your worst ni-- oops, that's not right. We're assa-- no, that's not it either.."

"We're Twi'leks," Acacia volunteered. "We've got something to tell you that you may find interesting."

"What the hell is a Twi'lek?"

" **We** are." Acacia's circular logic was impeccable.

Fabio glared. "All right.. what have you got to tell me?"

"First let us in."

"I don't think I should."

" **We do**."

"Go away." The door shut.

"Well, that was productive," Acacia observed.

Jay pounded at the door. "We know you're Isildur!"

"What's the plan if **that** doesn't get him to let us in? Break the door?"

"Yes."

They didn't have to. There was the sound of a deadbolt sliding, and the door opened again.

"Thank you," said Acacia sweetly. "Can we come in now?"

"Yes. You may." Fabio still looked sullen.

"Thank you." Acacia grinned. The effect, with her teeth, was markedly unpleasant.

"Sit down. Thank you. Now, what did you want to tell me?"

"Well," said Acacia, leanng back in her chair, "we're from an.. organization.. that wants to bring you back where you came from."

"Meaning..?"

"Isildur, you are not from this world. Nor do you belong here."

"So where am I from? And what about what Matrix told me?"

"A place called Middle-earth. And as for Matrix's story.." Acacia considered a moment. "It's.. the truth, but it shouldn't be."

Only then did she realize that Fabio was staring at her with mouth open and one eyebrow raised in a rather silly puzzled look. She turned to Jay. "I don't think he gets it. Help me out here."

"The world has been altered. History has been changed. We're trying to fix it."

"We have a.. device," added Acacia, "that can take us back to Middle-earth. We need to bring you there."

"But my life is here-"

"Nope. Trust me, you'll remember everything when you get there."

"What about this 'one ring'?"

"It'll be dealt with."

"Trust us."

This was not something geared to inspire confidence.

"We'll explain more when we arrive," Acacia offered.

Jay stood up, produced the activator, and opened a portal. "Coming?"

"I.. suppose so.." He still looked vaguely reluctant.

He walked over to the shimmering doorway, but paused on the threshhold. "Should I do this thing? Can I trust these strangers? What if it is a trap? WhaAAAAAGH!"

The partners stepped through after him, closing the portal behind them. Acacia began rummaging in her pockets.

"YOU PUSHED ME!"

"You were dramatizing. We didn't have time."

"That doesn't-"

"Ah," Acacia interrupted. She tossed a rather cheap pair of sunglasses to Jay. "Put those on."

"You're **joking**." Jay put them on nevertheless.

"I'm not. I've worked in Crossovers before, remember, we **do** have to do this." She took another pair out of her pockets, along with a small device.

"What are you talking-"

"Look at me."

"What-"

**[FLASH.]**

With memory gone, and therefore nothing to hold him in his borrowed form, Fabio's fine modern clothing shimmered, shifting into the rougher duds of Isildur.

Acacia returned the neuralizer to her pocket and removed her pack. "Do you think we need bother with anything else? Given that he's not got much to do.."

"Your name is Isildur. You just won a battle. You have a scroll to write. Get gone."

With a very slightly confused look, Isildur left. Acacia looked satisfied. "Now let's go see what we can do about the Jedi and the gratuitous Sith."

"Yep. Hey, I've got an idea on how to steal Matrix's lightsaber.."

"Is that so?"

"Okay. He comes home, ditches his lightsaber and trenchcoat for a minute.."

Acacia grinned.

**

Jay opened another inter-continuum portal into Matrix's house. There was a homicidal catgirl Sith waiting there for them, but a quick "We're here to steal his lightsaber" kept them from getting killed.

Matrix was apparently a truly horrible housekeeper. The smell of leftover food lingered about the building, and laundry decorated the carpeted floor. Jay and Acacia had little trouble finding a hiding place amid the clutter.

There came the sound of tired footsteps, and the door swung open. Matrix plodded in and threw trenchcoat and lightsaber to the floor.

Acacia promptly snatched up the weapon, grinning broadly.

Matrix suddenly sensed the catgirl, stretched out his hand, and called his lightsaber- or, at least, tried to. Acacia was holding onto it quite tightly. When he felt the unexpected resistance, he whirled.

Acacia waved. "Ello!"

"Who-?!"

Jay nudged Acacia. "Shouldn't we be leaving?"

"I thought we'd agreed he was a canon violation."

"He's also a Jedi!"

"But I **want** to-"

"He will kill you like a very dead thing!"

"Dead things don't kill people.."

"No, **you** will be like a very dead thing."

Acacia looked sulky. "Fine."

"You like being dead?"

"I'm drowning in miscommunication here. Please stop."

Matrix had spent most of this conversation staring at them. Jay and Acacia tended to have that effect on people. Being a Jedi, though, he recovered his wits a little quicker than either would have liked.

"Give back my lightsaber, and I'll be merciful."

"You **did** drop it on the floor," Acacia pointed out. "You really should learn to take better care of your things."

"Do you really think you can keep it from me?" he asked, staring Acacia in the eye.

"As a matter of fact-"

Whatever she had been going to say was cut off as Jay dragged her out through the door.

"Ow." She rubbed her neck. "Jay, next time, if you really must drag me someplace, don't use the back of my collar, okay?"

Jay took a deep breath and sank to the stoop. "Running from Jedi. Not a good thing."

"Well," Acacia sniffed, "if you really wanted to get far **away** , why didn't you portal us out?"

"He'd have followed. He's an avatar. They jump through unknown portals."

"But not through their own front doors?"

"Nope."

Acacia considered. "Maybe the catgirl will kill him, now he's saberless." She looked at the stolen lightsaber. "Raptor. Apparently someone doesn't understand that- no matter who you've abducted- Star Wars is **not** Lord of the Rings and you do **not** name your weapons.."

"It's not even a proper name," Jay agreed. "Maybe later we can get the drop on him and kill him--right now, let's take a large mallet to 'Dark Isildur'."

"And the various random Sith?"

"Indeed."

"Fun."

**

The lair of the Gratuitous Sith was mostly stone, and poorly lit. This was to illustrate, of course, that it belonged to the bad guys.

"Cheerful place, this," said Acacia mildly. She checked the Words momentarily. "..ah. **That's** why Matrix didn't follow us. He was busy having an insanely long flashback."

"Helpful, yes?" Jay lowered her voice. "The one in black who looks like Matrix is, unsurprisingly, 'Dark Matrix'. We may have to kill him too."

"Overuse of the 'evil twin' phenomemon: check."

"I'll distract the gratuitous Sith and Dark Matrix: you deal with the statue."

"Do you have a mallet?"

"You've got a lightsaber."

"Point."

Jay took a deep breath, and rummaged in her bag. She retrieved a jar of flame, handling it gingerly. Then she tossed it deep into the darkness.

Both Bad Guys, predictably, came to investigate this strangely colored fire that would apparently burn on bare stone. Acacia headed off to hack up the evil statue.

"There! Vandal! Hold!"

"Why do they always say "stop"?" Jay panted as she sprinted away.

Dark Matrix and Darth Rekka gave chase: they were faster than her, but SHE had the portal. They would almost have caught up with her, when they would turn a corner and see her disappearing through the glowing portal, to appear elsewhere in the tunnels.

"Yoohoo!"

The voice came from behind them. Darth Rekka spun around-- and saw another portal.

"Come, master! We are close enough to follow!"

They leaped through the portal together-- and fell. For quite a long way.

Behind the portal, Jay leaned breathlessly against the wall and smiled.

Acacia, meanwhile, had with her lightsaber done quite an efficent job of reducing Dark Isildur to gravel. Dark flashes and wisps of black smoke had issued from it, as per Melodramatic Evil Artifact regulations, but Acacia studiously ignored them.

Jay plodded in, breathing hard.

"The two D's are at the bottom of a manhole. Want to steal their lightsabers and go through their pockets for loose change?"

"Absolutely." Acacia considered asking how they'd ended up there, but decided she probably didn't want to know.

Jay opened a portal, and peered through cautiously. "Yep, this one's closer to the ground. Come on.."

"You can go through first."

Jay did. There was a squelch. She poked her head back through: "Coming?"

"Yep." Acacia stepped through, into darkness.

"This cape should fit me once it gets through the laundromat-"

"What do we do with their lightsabers? I'm sure you'll want one, but that leaves one spare.."

"Extra. Tradable."

"Fun."

"What colors did we get?"

"Red, of course. What did you expect?"

"Oh, well, it's a good color."

Acacia smiled. "Should we go back to Matrix's house to see who won?"

"Yes. Sabers on?"

"Of course. Portal us in."

Jay opened a portal, and stepped back. "You first."

"Oh, you're just scared," said Acacia, but stepped through anyway.

Jay counted to five, and followed.

**

The caution was unnecessary. Both the catgirl and Matrix were gone.

"Great. Where the hell are they?"

Acacia checked the Words again. "It seems the catgirl got away and-" she looked around- "given that she apparently set the place on fire during the fight, Matrix decided to find someplace else to live for now. He's gone to see if he can stay with Fabio. -Who we already sent on his merry way in Middle-earth."

"Muaha. Bet he's not there yet." Jay showed off her teeth.

"Ambush?"

"Absolutely."

**

Matrix pounded on the door of the apartment with the arrogance and self-confidence of the terminally stupid.

After only a few beats, the door swung open.

"Izzy?"

"Nope."

"I've **heard** that-"

Acacia, having decided it would be a Bad Idea to wait for Matrix to recover from his surprise, had her stolen saber out and lit before he could finish the sentence.

There was a flash of green, and a thump.

"But aren't they supposed to disappear?"

"Don't look at **me** ," said Acacia calmly. "Although, if you'll remember, I don't believe Qui-Gon vanished.."

"No, he did not. Well, everything's probably going to vanish, once we're gone-"

"And good riddance."

Jay nodded, and dusted her hands together. "Let's go home. I'm tired."

"Absolutely." Acacia swished her lightsaber through the air, enjoying the sound. "I think we've got the best souvenirs we've brought back in probably forever.."

"Mm."

There was a flash, and they were gone. And so was the world of Visible.

"That was actually quite fun," Acacia remarked.

"You're just saying that because you got to play hackslash."

"So?"

Jay rolled her eyes, but remained silent.

Acacia smiled brightly, and stretched out on the rug again.

Jay leaned back into her chair. "Bored."

Nothing happened.

"Booored."

An earsplitting beep failed to fill the air.

"Did you hear me? I'm BORED!"

The computer remained stubbornly silent.

"Okay, so maybe it won't be that bad after all," said Acacia happily.

"But now I really AM bored."

"After half a minute?"

Jay nodded. "I was expecting a beep. Now what can we do?"

**

"MY GOD, SHE'S GOT A LIGHTSABER!" screamed George of the Godplayer department as he hid behind a copse of plastic sculptuary.

Acacia turned to Jay. "Am I **that** scary?"

"With a lightsaber? Yes."

"Good."

"That does not encourage me."

Five minutes of staring at each other had finally produced the idea of, as Jay put it, "Prancing around headquarters with the new lightsabers."

It was fun. Especially the little mock battles. (Very careful mock battles, as not to break a) the lightsabers, b) the building, and c) various appendages.)

"Ah well. It is fun," said Acacia happily.

"I like the sound the best," Jay said. She waved her red saber about, producing a sound best described as "vrroum".

"Yep." Acacia clicked hers on and off several times. "And **that** sound."

Jay smiled. "And the people diving out of the way are funny."

"Very."

"It makes me feel like singing, how about you?"

Acacia gave her a suspicious look. "Singing **what**?"

"...It's not easy being green?"

"No."

"You are no fun."

"Whatever you say.."

"It's not that easy being green-"

"Stop. Just stop it."

"Phoo."

END

[Acacia's A/N: Well, now you know what the "changes" are. And may I just point out once again that this fic was quite ridiculous. This one's to be found in the Star Wars section of FF.N, so don't waste time looking in LotR. Really, HOW much did Fabio have in common with Isildur..? ~wanders off muttering~]

[Jay's A/N: In the official PPC document (which neither of us wrote, in a subclause I missed,) it says what the Implausible Crossover director is, and what the flash patch is. The flashpatch is a flying pig, which is fine by me. But I LIKE the lichen that sounds like John Cleese, and so it stays.

This was an interesting change of pace... no charging, no Sue, that sort of thing. It was interesting.

Now, I'm rooting for a LotR/HP crossover..]


	18. Two Worlds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

Even the most amusing pastimes- such as playing with lightsabers in the halls- eventually grow tiresome, and Jay and Acacia were just coming back into their response center when the console beeped.

Jay beamed and skipped over to the terminal.

Real children don't go "hoppity skip" unless they're on drugs.

Or they're Jay.

"Hey! New entry for the "stupidest parentage" contest."

"You mean this one has another killworthy character?" said Acacia.

"Oh, she's a flaming Sue. No doubt." Jay grinned. "Care to play guess the parents? We're dealing with a Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter crossover.."

"Then I'd rather not speculate. Just tell me."

"Galadriel and Remus Lupin."

"Oh, **gods**.." Acacia sighed. "Incidentally- they met **how**?"

"Oh, we've got full cohabitation."

"They **do** give us the difficult ones, don't they?" She considered. "And he's a **werewolf**. I think most Middle-earthers would **not** understand."

"What was that werewolf that Beren and Luthien had to deal with?" Jay wondered.

"Um.." Acacia cocked her head for a moment, trying to remember. "Carcharoth! Wasn't that it?"

"Sounds right." Jay's memory (or lack thereof) for names was infamous, hence her tendency to refer to the sons of Feanor as "the Fin kids" despite the fact none of their names began with "Fin".

Acacia, on the other hand, was well on her way to being able to recite them all in descending order of age, which was strange given that she'd been known to forget her own birthday, and was currently gathering up her stuff. "What'll we be?"

"What could kill a Hogwarts student..?"

They looked at each other for a moment, and chorused, "Anything."

Acacia considered. "We could **be** students?"

Jay nodded. "That'd be nice. When's the first breach, incidentally? I peg it at the very end."

"Reality cohabitation **is** a breach, Jay.."

"Yes, but it's a steady state. We need a specific event."

"I suppose that means ancestry's out. Having Ron sleep with Lavender despite the fact they can't be quite- what's the age of consent in Britain, anyway?"

"I thought it was fairly young. How about everyone getting in their horses and riding to Lothlorien?"

Acacia blinked. "How-?"

"You think I jest? Everyone gets IN, yes.. IN, their horses. And rides off to Lothlorien."

"Okay. I just formed a mental picture of that. Now I'd like a mental eraser, please."

"Mental floss?"

Acacia blinked. "Aaaanyway. We'll have time to decide when we get there. More pressing issue: What're we going to be?"

"Students is good. But I'd guess you don't want to be a Slytherin."

"Who cares?"

"She's a Gryffindor. I don't want to be a Gryffindor.. but we need to keep an eye on her."

"Yeah, and-" Acacia leaned over the console to get a look at Jay's screen- "-it seems a fair amount of this happens in the common room.."

"That bitesss." Jay gave the screen a slit-eyed stare.

Acacia blinked and edged away.

"Soooooo.. are we students or aren't we?"

"We'll have to be." Jay still looked downcast. "All I'll have to program is a change of clothes."

Acacia shrugged. "Okay."

Jay tapped at the console for a moment-- not long. Clothes were EASY.

The portal opened up, into Hogwarts this time.

"Acacia, have you been playing with the activator again?" Jay frowned and patted her pockets.

"No, why?"

"I didn't open the portal. Did you?"

Acacia thought a moment. "I think I remember- last time I was here, if it had been too long since the beep, the computer opened the portal anyway.."

"Maybe it's trying to get rid of us." Jay glared at the prodigal computer and made a great show of picking up the remote activator.

"I wouldn't be surprised.."

Jay sighed and hopped through.

Acacia followed.

**

"Nice place, this."

"Yes." Jay sighed happily. Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Will my camera work here?!"

"I don't see why not, people working with translator spells understand people perfectly fine in universes without magic.. I heard it explained once- I think objects keep the rules of reality from their original universe, or something odd like that. I'll have to ask Makes-Things."

Jay frowned, and took her camera out. There was a flash, and a click.

"Seems to work." She sighed. "I hate the feeling that I'm somehow stretching canon, though."

"Jay. Hogwarts is in Middle-earth now when it's **supposed** to be modern reality-adjacent. A camera we'll be taking out of here when we're done is really no problem."

Jay sighed. "All right." And.. immediately set about taking pictures. Hogwarts practically defined "photogenics".

They wandered the halls for a while, Acacia wondering in a loud voice what the point of the Great Hall's ceiling was, since "if I wanted to look at the sky outside I could go outside and look at the sky. Or they could install a skylight. Or something. It's just showy."

"I think it's pretty. Can we go see the dungeons? CAN we?"

"Sure, why not.."

"GLEE! Do you think class will be in session?" Jay asked hopefully.

"What are- oh."

"What do you mean, 'oh?'"

"I was going to wonder why you wanted to go to the dungeons with a class in session."

"Why WOULDN'T I want to?"

"Which is what prompted the 'oh'.." **

Jay sighed happily. The only thing denting her happiness was that she'd had to turn off the flash so as to not draw attention.

"So, how many pictures are you going to take?"

"There's an extra roll somewhere in here.." Jay had spent the best part of the first on the dungeons, and the Potions room. She was spending the REST of it on the Potions teacher.

"I'd offer you some, but you don't have a registered lust object in this world, do you?"

"No." In fact, apart from a strange desire to see Hermione end up with Neville Longbottom, Acacia was fairly unworried about most of this canon's affairs.

"There aren't very many options there, really. Either too young, or too old.. mainly, we've got Potter-lusters, Wood-lusters, and the cult of Snape.."

"Don't forget Draco Malfoy. There are those."

"Oh, yes. All too young, though. 'Cepting the good professor, of course."

Acacia smirked. "Of course. Now, I think we should check on our good 'Sue.. who I really doubt gets very hairy every month, too unglamorous.."

"Far too unglamorous." Jay pulled herself away with a sigh, and headed in what she hoped was the general direction of the Gryffindor common room.

"..I mean, if she wanted to just be half-elf half-human, why the **hell** did she pick a werewolf for a father.."

"She could have even picked Sirius."

Acacia glowered.

"I'm just saying. He was part of the Potter gang, too, and didn't turn into a canine.. involuntarily, anyway."

"Yes, but.." she sighed. She harbored the rather **unpopular** opinion, for which she had been flamed more than once, that Sirius Black was arrogant, amoral, and possessed even less respect for the value of life than **she** had.

This made her a wonderful companion for Jay, who believed that the whole of toriginal Potter Gang were a bunch of over-popular little pricks.

"Well.. there's the Fat Lady. Guesses for the password?"

"Um.. no."

"Grab a passing Gryffindor? Ask her politely? Portal in?"

"Eh.. portal, methinks."

**

"Hi sweetheart" Ron said coming to sit next to Serenity and giving her a kiss

"Glag." Jay made a face. That cheerful little exchange had been the first sight to greet her, and it hadn't been pleasant.

Acacia just sighed. Serenity had apparently had a spell put on her to conceal her beauty, though the reason why was never explained. The effect, to people from outside either canon, was disconcerting.

Of her relationship with Ron, it was written "She has many elf friends and was friends with all the members of the Fellowship, but only a few wizard or wich friends. But amoung these friends were Harry, Draco, Hermione, and Ron. Ron. He was currently her boyfriend. She never thought she could fall for a mortal boy, but she did."

She also, apparently, had a confusing life, being half elf and half witch. (This made people wonder if perhaps she thought "witch" was a species of some sort.)

Acacia, on the other hand, was mainly wondering why she was friends with Draco Malfoy **and** Harry And Company. And whether it would be a good idea to round up Celebrian and Celeborn and all the other neglected characters whose spouses had randomly and pointlessly been made to cheat on them, and hand over the Sues in question to them.

Jay was perusing the rest of her so handily-written exposition. "'Serenity, though very beautiful was not the type to dress up.' She's 'a great chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.' She practices 'shooting arrows and sword fighting.'" The assasin shook her head. "Textbook. TEXTBOOK Sue."

"I'm still stuck on her parentage."

"There, there.."

"Hi" Serenity answered Ron. 

"What ya doing" he asked

"My History of Magic homework, ofcourse you have already finished yours"

"Ofcourse"

Acacia cringed slightly at the bad grammar.

"Ofcourse you have torn your hare out by now," Jay parodied.

"Ofcourse."

"I should get ready, I have Quidditch practice in half and hour"

"Yeah you should"

Serenity took pff up the stairs to get dressed for the Quidditch practice.

"Well. That was interesting," muttered Acacia. "Who or what is pff?"

"Perhaps it's onomatopoetic?"

"Could be.."

"Pffff," Jay tried, then frowned. "Not a particularly stairish sound."

"Not even one of those things that doesn't make the sound but would if it could."

"Oh, well. Hmm, that's interesting.."

Lavender came to sit next to Ron. 

Jay frowned again. "Could've sworn she was a Slytherin. Memory's going."

"I think you were thinking of what'shername, Pansy I think. Lavender **is** a Gryffindor, it's one of the few things this author got right."

"Darn flower names."

"JKR is fond of those, it's true."

"Oh, well." 

"She's going to practice soon, right?" Lavender asked

"Yes" Ron answered

"Good, when she leaves meet me in my room, we can be all alone" she said with a smile (but no period.)

"Perfect" he said

Acacia frowned, and began digging through her backpack for her Analysis Device; while she was normally quite good at judging these things herself, she wasn't sure how OoC this was for Ron who, canonically, could frankly be quite a jerk.

It was OOC, though. Ron also had a tendency to fall for beautiful girls. That (even under glamour) Serenity was prettier than Lavender was a given.

[Ronald Weasley. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 45.31 %.]

She pointed it at Lavender.

[Lavender Brown. Human female. Canon. 62.67% CHARACTER RUPTURE!]

Just then a sound of a door opening was heard. Lavender jumped off the couch and up the stairs to her room. Serenity came down, gave Ron a kiss and ran off to practice. When she was gone, Ran ran up the stairs to the girls' dorms. 

"What gripping dialogue. What tension."

"And where," Acacia wondered, "did Ran come from?"

"The Plothole from Hell," Jay grated.

The common room emptied. Jay's plea to go back to the dungeon and stalk Snape with her polaroid was vetoed, making her somewhat surly. Her mood improved, though, when it began to rain.

"Man its really pouring out there" Hermione said

"Isn't she supposed to be smart?" Acacia wondered. "In other words, capable of using reasonable grammar? And I'm sure she never prefaced a sentance with 'man'. And-"

"Don't turn the Analysis Device on her. You KNOW how shirty Makes-Things gets when they short out."

"Yeah, but its to bad that I had to end practice early" said Harry sounding depressed

"Don't worry Cap, we will have pracitce as soo as the sun comes" said Serenity "but right now Im going to change into drier clothes"

Jay flinched. "Periods! They go at the end of sentences!" Serenity gave them an odd look.

Acacia tried, with some minor success, to pretend that she had nothing at all to do with anyone who might happen to be sitting next to her and with whom she might coincidentally have been carrying on a conversation for several minutes.

The Sue was still dripping wet, though, and so couldn't stand around staring. She ran up to her room. Harry and Hermoine, on the other hand, decided to forgo drier clothes.

O don't worry Herm, I'll keep you warm, come sit with me by the fire" Harry said wrpaaing his arms around her and leading her to the couch

"Okay" she said currling up to Harry

Acacia choked.

Jay, next to her, was trying to pronounce "wrpaaing" under her breath when she realized something was wrong. "You all right?"

" **I** 'm fine. **Serenity** won't be when I'm finished." Acacia's intense dislike of H/H romance was not exactly a secret.

"I don't like it much, either.." (In fact, Jay didn't much like to contemplate romance between people below the age of twenty). Up in the girls dorms, she heard a door slam. "Hmm. The midden is about to hit the windmill."

After an uncapitalized "what was that?" from Harry, Serenity came running from the stairs, hysterically crying.

She stopped and looked at them and then ran out the potrait hole.

"I wonder what happened to her?" Hermione asked concerned

"Lets go upstairs and see if theres anything for a clue" Harry sugested

Jay started to hum the Scooby-doo theme.

Hermione and Harry went to the 7th year girls dorm- Jay and Acacia followed- and opened the door.

"Why does no one find anything strange about him coming up here?" Acacia asked quietly.

"Plothole. Or was that redundant?"

"This person has turned this school in **to** a plothole."

"Don't they all."

Acacia sighed. "'Tis sad. Oh, look, they've found Ron. And Lavender, who incidentally ought to be **lying** , not laying.."

They saw why Serenity was so upset beacuse Lavender was laying on her bed.......in Ron's arms.

"And doesn't that just about say it all for this story," Jay said quietly.

"Indeed."

"Damn, we've got to follow Serenity. Portal? "

"..you're the one with the thingy.."

They portalled to Remus's "office" just as Serenity was arriving. Jay was looking angry.

"I hate it when they trivialize Snape."

"Since when was **he** allowed to teach?" wondered Acacia, pointing to "Professor Black" and completely ignoring Jay.

"Serenity, sweetheart, whats wrong?" her father aske

"He doesn't love me anymore" she yelled between tears

"Who?" he asked

"Ron"

"Aske..?" Jay asked, listening outside the door.

Acacia glanced at the words. "Oh, this is great: Blatant Sue here runs off, into the rest of the castle, in which nothing really dangerous seems to have been happening, and Hermione's **panicking** about how something **bad** might have happened to the little bitch."

"Remus, why don't Sirius and I leave you to comfort your daughter" said Snape grabbing Sirius' arm and pulling him out of the office and shutting the door.

...unfortunately, while the agents of the PPC were mainly unnoticeable, there were events in which they could not remain hidden.

Events like, say, two teachers running headlong into them.

"Ow!" Sirius Black had trodden heavily on Acacia's foot. Then "uh-oh.."

Professor Snape, in turn, had knocked Jay to the ground.

"Erregh," she managed, hyperventilating. 

"Oh, gods.. Jay, get UP.."

"Ehn." 

Professor Snape, in an uncharacteristic act of patience and charity, offered her a hand up. This did not improve matters.

Acacia's "uh-oh" had in fact been unnecessary. They **did** look studentlike, and were as such not really apt to cause much comment.

Snape had managed to get a furiously blushing Jay to her feet. "'nk you," she said quietly.

Sirius Black was looking at Acacia in a rather patronizing "I teacher, you student" way that didn't bode well.

Patronizing teachers rank rather highly on the list of Things Acacia Hates. "Quit **looking** at me like that!"

"Now, now, miss. It's not polite to listen at teacher's doors."

"But that idiot just ran right in, which isn't polite either, and no one said a thing to **her**.. and why didn't you look where you were **going**?"

Sirius frowned. "That IDIOT is proffessor Lupin's dauther, and a promising student. And I am not accustomed to people crouching outside of the doors I open!"

Acacia muttered something about nepotism, then said "And I'm not accustomed to being patronized rigid by people who just crushed my toes (and didn't apologize, may I add) and am furthermore considerably more intelligent and therefore probably a more promising student than any ditz who can't even tell the difference between 'lie' and 'lay'!"

"Acacia, calm down." Jay snapped. "In fact, BOTH of you calm down." This got her odd looks from the teachers.

"Normally people say 'I'm sorry' when they flatten someone's feet," Acacia muttered sullenly.

"I'm sorry I disturbed your eavesdropp-"

"Sirius." Snape stopped him. "Perhaps you should show a little patience with the students.."

There was a wail from Jay's pocket. She flinched.

Acacia winced, too, and clutched at the pocket of her robe as if something in it had burnt her.

Jay yanked out her Character Analysis Device. [S. Snape. Original Character. Status: Bit.]

There was further staring on the part of the teachers.

Acacia muttered under her breath. Mainly a long string of curses and threats interspersed with "ow"s and statements like "I'm not generally the type to be afraid of Makes-Things but if we break too many more of these we'll probably find ourselves with readouts in Klingon or something."

"Mechanics? Those shouldn't work in Hogwarts," Sirius said. 

"Which is why they burnt out, obviously," Jay lied.

"Ow, ow, I think mine burnt **me** , ow, Jay, let's go and get some cold water or something, ow.."

"Absolutely."

"But-"

"Gee, Professor Black, I think she's hurt!" Jay gasped. "I'd better take her to the hospital wing!"

The professors blinked. That made sense. That sounded like a student.

The two girls hustled away.

**

"Never much liked him," Acacia muttered. "Ow."

"Out of character," Jay muttered beside her. "Both out of character and trivialized."

Acacia fished around in her pocket and lifted out the broken Canon Analysis Device. "We just cannot make these things last five missions, can we?"

"Rarely," Jay said. "Perhaps we should go back to the litmus?"

"Probably," said Acacia. "Less tendency to irritate support personnel.. less chance Upstairs will start making us pay for new ones.. less chance of blowing up.."

"They still have boxes of the old litmus strips. But the damn things take forever to register, and you had to actually touch the character.."

"..and they didn't overheat in your pocket and singe you. Ow." 

"Litmus tests it is. That'll make this job FUN." Jay sighed. "Here's the girl's wash. I've got some neosporin and bandaids in my wallet."

"Thank you."

**

Jay blinked at the words. "I think-- I think we may be in luck. We may have missed the stupid argument."

"Oh, **good** ," said Acacia, who was in a much better mood since remembering the unicorn's horn she had.

"But I don't think there's a way we can avoid the Parenthetical Author's Notes from Hell."

"Sadly."

They were met by a wash of sound as they entered the Gryffindor common room.

"RONALD WEASLEY HOW COULD YOU" yelled Hermione

"...we didn't miss the argument."

"Blast," said Acacia disappointedly.

"I didn't mean to hurt her, its just......." Ron started but Hermione cut him off

"Oh, look, the author stuck all the missing periods from everywhere else into that sentence. Charming," said Acacia sourly.

"Didn't mean to hurt her! Well you sure screwed that up! she ran off and we have no idea where she is. What if she's hurt or in trouble?" Hermione said starting to panic

"She's fine Herm" Harry said reasurring

"Reassuring who?" Jay said with much puzzlement. 

Acacia snorted. "You didn't pay attention. He was **reasurring** , not **reassuring**. Although what that **means** I could not for the life of me guess.."

"Treading water in the rising tide of badfic?" Jay hazarded. 

Just then the portrait hole swung open-

"Brace yourself," Jay muttered.

-and Professor Lupin walked in with Serenity asleep in his arms.

"Fall asleep easily, do you?" Acacia wondered. But quietly.

The first parenthetical intrastory author's note boomed through their heads.

(elfs are light and remember she's part elf) 

"'Elfs'. Bloody 'elfs'."

"Many Mary Sues are elfs," Jay said. "Consider what happens when you move the s to the fore of the word..."

"I mistrust any author who doesn't even know it's 'elves'."

He went up the stairs, layed his daughter in bed and came back downstairs.

"I know what happened" he started

"Brace again."

"I think I can tell by now when something bad is going to happen, Jay."

This time, the parenthetical intrastory author's note was spliced with Lupin's speaking voice. There was an interesting Vox Dei affect.

" and you(pointing at Ron) should have dumped my daughter if you were panning on doing that" he yelled and walked out of the room 

"Panning..?" said Acacia weakly.

"Don't ask me."

"I almost envy Despatch. Almost. At least they get to hunt the actual authors down.."

"Preach, sister," Jay said. This got several odd looks. "Watch for flying exposition."

"And if Upstairs **really** wanted to stop stressing us out, they'd have put us in Legal or something rather than us still having to deal, apparently, with idiotic Mary Sues," said Acacia, too busy complaining to notice much of anything.

Lavender and Ron went out for awhile. That is until he found out that she slept with him to make dean jealous and it was over. Ron was sad for awhile. He and Serenity had become friends again, but that was all.

"My Lady. Those were periods! Actual periods!"

"Maybe she took a grammar class in the-" Acacia stared into the middle distance for a moment- "however long we just skipped forward."

The assassins had managed to move with the setting, and were now outside in the sun. 

One bright and sunny day, Professors Lupin, Black, and Snape, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco and Serenity were out enjoying the warmth of the sun.

"What a beautiful day" Draco said

"Yeah" the all agreed

"The periods stopped," Jay said sadly.

"I'm almost glad my Analysis Device is already fried. Hate to see what Draco's line would do to it." Acacia considered. "Come to think of it, there's something inherently wrong with all these people sitting around together in the first place.."

"Yes. They are not happy friends." Jay said sagely. "Hmm. He looks really pale, doesn't he..?"

"Who doe- oh, nevermind."

"I rather like it."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Because I'd like the actor even if he was-- and I quote-- "as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll"?"

Acacia just sighed.

"Hey, who's that?" asked Hermione pointing to the Forest

All of them looked to see a fair skinned mans with long blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, on a beautiful white horse

"How many mans was that?"

Acacia grumbled. "Couldn't even be bothered to come up with a whatsit, article I think it is, that fits the noun. Or get the noun right. Idiot.."

"Legolas" yelled Serenityrunning up to the man

"Who is this Serenityrunning and why wasn't she introduced to us earlier?" Jay wasn't actually serious. 

"And I wish she'd not yell."

"Princess Serenity" he said bowing

"Very funny Legolas" she said giving him a hug

"..Hoho. So funny. Yes, indeedy, worthy of George Carlin.."

"Please don't tell me," said Acacia, "that this is Sailor Moon too?" Then, in response to Jay's odd look, "When I lived in reality I had a friend who was really into it, okay?"

"Uh.."

"Princess Ser- oh, never mind.."

"Gladly."

They returned their attention to the canonicity debacle going on. Although it would have been hard not to given that the next annoying author's note came then.

"I have missed you so much, boy do you look different. Gandalf told me about the spell you asked him to put on you to conceal your true beauty. He also told me to how to take it off.(the spell you nasty minds) Want me to?" he asked

"Owie." Jay hadn't braced. 

Whoa, hold on. First of all, why are you here, I know how you hate to leave the woods"

"The hell?"

"Witness the importance of correctly-placed punctuation. Rather dirty trick, really, trying to lure the readers into a false sense of legibility by starting the chapter with periods.."

"Legolas doesn't hate to leave the woods!" Jay was on her own anger-trip. 

"Your mother asked me to come and get you, she has some news for you"

"My boss told me to come and kill you, we've got some charges for you-" Jay murmured.

"Actually it told us to sort out the continua, but killing her would seem to be a prerequisite," said Acacia, who didn't sound very sorry about this fact at all.

"O, ok I'll come with you, but I don't know if I want you to do magic on me. I might become uglier than an orc or smaller than a hobbit"

"Or stupider than a Mary Su- oops! Too late! Heeeeere's your sign."

Acacia blinked. "I don't want to wait for everyone to enter some horses. Can't we kill her now? Isn't Black as a professor and being happy friends with Snape here canon-violation enough?"

"Oh, sure. Why not."

Acacia grinned broadly. "Let's go."

**

"Trust me" Legolas was saying.

"Fine"

Legolas whispered a few elvish words and then Serenity started to glow. When the light faded, there stood a beautiful maiden elf.

"Wow" Draco, Harry and Ron said in unison

"God you look like your mother" said her father

"What are we going to do with her?" Jay asked as they strolled across the field to the group.

"Kill her, of course," said Acacia, who had been known to leave fine detail to take care of itself whilst having homicidal ideations.

"We could give her to the Whomping Willow.."

"Fine by me."

Meanwhile, Mary Sue had been introducing Legolas to the slightly eclectic group.

"Nice to meet you all" he said

"Like wise"

Acacia looked around. "Okay, who the hell said **that**?"

"Don't know."

"Im going with him to see what my mother has to tell me" she said

"Okay sweetheart" said Professor Lupin

Legolas jumped up on the horse and pulled Serenity up behind him and off they rode into the Forest 

"Damnit! We'll have to portal after them, idiot buggers.."

"You're the one with the portaller-thingy.."

Jay opened a gate. "We've got to get to Lorien. Damnit."

"Then where's the portal to?"

"Lothlorien. Can YOU think of a point in between there and here that's easily accessible on a horse?"

Acacia considered this question. "I would be aided in this by knowing where the hell here IS.."

"Here is Hogwarts." Jay indicated the sunning teachers and students. "There is Lothlorien."

"I **know** that, but where in Middle-earth did she put Hogwarts?"

"God, I wish I knew."

"Let's just wait for them in Lorien.."

"Better yet. Let's get to the stupid meeting.."

**

"Hello mother" Serenity said greetin her mother

"Hello sweetheart" said her mother "were you surprised to see Legolas?"

"Yes, I know he hates to leave Lothlorien, but how could you not, it so wonderful here"

Acacia covered her face with one hand. "She thinks Legolas- **lives** \- in- but he'd never even **been** there till- what IS her problem!"

"...you think THAT'S bad?"

"Yes! Yes, I do!"

Galadriel was being motherly. "I know but you know Legolas would do anything for you, I believe he fancies you. But the way, how are you and Ron doing?"

"We are not together anymore"

"Oh, I see"

"What news do you have for me?"

"Haldir has heard of an orc attack that is being planned" she started "he believed they were heading for here, but now they are heading north abut 15 leagues away"

"But that would bring them to Hogwarts!"

"Just because this is worse doesn't mean that wasn't bad," said Acacia stubbornly.

"Hogwarts being fifteen leagues from Lorien's pretty damn bad, you must admit."

"I'm not disputing that. But really, if you're going to lust after Legolas, shouldn't you get your basic, even-fangirls-know-this facts straight? I think this is the **first** person I've met who didn't know he was prince of Mirkwood."

Jay nodded. "Eh.. lesgo." She took a few steps forward. "COOOOEE!"

The Sue and her mother turned near-simultaneously. The sight of two humans unannounced by the border guards and wearing students' robes was, to say the least, disconcerting.

"How did you get here from Hogwarts?"

"Not hard. It's only fifteen leagues," Jay snarled.

"We want," said Acacia- then stopped abruptly, realizing that while intent to kill was all well and good, it didn't help much if one had neglected to bring one's bow, which was what she had in fact done.

"We want you to come with us, Serenity. It's very important." Jay opened a portal in the air, which the Sue accepted with naive grace.

A few high-pitched screams and loud thumps, as of wood connecting solidly with flesh, floated back through the portal.

Jay whistled merrily as Galadriel blinked. Then, she reset the portal.

"If we get everyone from Hogwarts back into Britain, the school itself should move back.."

"It better. I do **not** relish the idea of having to get a bloody big building through a portal."

"It's been done. But you're right, it's not fun."

"Ye gods, what'd they do, number the bricks and reassemble it on the other side?"

"Nope. Fifteen agents with portal devices set in synch. Killed two of them and fried all the activators.."

Acacia winced.

The portal started to flicker, and Jay whacked the side of the device. "Come on, it's shorting."

Acacia stepped through hurriedly.

The scene at Hogwarts was less than a picture of educational bliss. With sensibilities back in place, natural hostilities had reasserted themselves. 

"Oh gods. Shall we stop them from killing one another?"

"I think we'd better.."

There were two rather impressive fights going one. One was to the tune of:

"A teacher? What fool would take on a convicted criminal?!"

"Apparently the same 'fool' who'd take on a-"

"Sirius, please calm down-"

"Oh, bugger off, Remus."

The other sounded more like:

"What have you done with Crabbe and Goyle?!"

"Nothing!"

"What, Malfoy, did you lose them?"

Acacia clapped her hands loudly. "Okay, everyone, stop fighting and LISTEN!"

An englassesed student acting so.. okay, **teacherly**.. was such an unusual sight that people did indeed stop fighting.

"You are all in the wrong place at the wrong time, we're here to put it straight, so if you will all cooperate we'll have a much less painful time. And I meant on **our** part; I'm not threatening you in any way here."

"The wrong place?" Lupin asked, blinking. "It looks like Hogwarts-"

"Hogwarts, however, isn't in Great Britain at the moment," Jay explained.

There was an expectant silence.

"Oh, screw it, Jay, just open the portal.."

Jay opened the portal. "Once you all go through, things should be back to normal."

"And we should trust you why?" This from the Potions teacher. Jay went red and seemed to lose her voice.

Sirius Black gave them a Look. "Aren't you those students who-"

"Yes, we are, and we've not had a nice day, and the issue of flattened digits will come up in any discussion you initiate at this point, and I'm not in a-" She suddenly smacked her forehead. (This made her look even stranger to the people who were already staring at her.) "ComPLETELY forgot we were supposed to do this, what with all the excitement.. Jay, you still have your sunglasses, right?"

"Whoops! Absolutely.. forget my own head if it weren't nailed on.." Jay reached into a breast pocket.

Acacia donned her own sunglasses (sort of. Okay, she clipped the little dark bits onto her actual glasses. Haven't you seen those things before?) and grinned. "Okay, everyone, look here.." 

[FLASH.]

"This is a horrible cop-out, and I really don't care.. okay, people, this has been an extremely strange dream. Go through the portal to wake up."

"What happened, see, is a weather balloon...refracted some swamp gas.. and the light from Venus.." Jay said solemnly, earning a jab in the ribs.

"Shut up, Jay."

The last of the characters filed bemusedly through the portal. There was a sensation of **tension** in the world, and then..

Jay staggered backwards, and Acacia rocked slightly.

There was a distinct lack of castle, and a very noticeable forest.

Acacia grinned. "Fun."

Jay fiddled with the remote activator, and the portal flickered. "Let's go home." 

"Sounds good to me."

They stepped through the portal, and found themselves back in headquarters. There was a steady [Bip. Bip. Bip.] coming from the computer, and the "new message" light was flashing.

"Odd.." Acacia observed.

"Hit print, would you?" said Jay. "My hands are full."

"It's rather short, let's just read it.."

It said:

_[More inflamatory packages! Get them the heck out of my mail depot, or I eat you for lunch._

..Sincerely  
Otik Horak, Mail Dept.]

"More?" Acacia wondered. " **Where** do these come from?"

"They aren't flames," Jay said. "We'd have heard."

There was nothing for it but to truck down to the mail depot. 

"It's not as if he's eaten anyone in years, anyway." Jay said, out of the blue.

"Let's just see what he wants, shall we?"

"For us to pick up our newest roasty toasty package, of course. Did you bring your fire gear?"

"Um.. yes.."

**

Otik was surling in the doorway when they got there. _It would be nice, you know, if you could occasionally receive something that doesn't smoke ominously._

Acacia shrugged. "We just seem to have that effect on people. Can't think why."

There were actually several boxes, very large. They had holes in the side. 

Jay fumbled impotently with the thick duct tape securing the lid.

Acacia, slightly more observant, said, "Why have they got holes in them?"

"I think they're airholes. Help me get it open."

Acacia rummaged in her backpack, eventually coming up with a dagger they'd gotten off a Mary Sue some time before.

When the duct tape was finally removed, a smouldering head popped out of the box. It was attached to a smouldering body.

"TRADUIL!" Jay shrieked, delighted. One of the other boxes tipped over and burst into flames. Elrind rolled out.

Acacia sliced open another box. Out came Boromire. "Funfun!"

Jay grabbed her two minis in a bear hug. "I thought she'd forgotten!" 

_Touching as this is, I want you to get those things out of here!_ the treestump snapped. "We're going, we're going!" said Acacia, huggling Boromire and standing up to leave. "Jeez, touchy.."

"The response center is this way," Jay said, leading the little demon types along. "Thank you Otik!"

_...don't mention it._

**

"Well, that was fun," Acacia observed.

"Hurrah." Jay beamed. Then she stopped. "Wait-- we can't take them on missions with us. Regulation 5c, no pets. Not since that fiasco with the God-Mod agent and his swamp dragon."

"Blast."

"Yes, it was..." They walked in silence for a moment, then, "Do you think you guys will be all right in Headquarters during missions?"

The minis looked at eachother and shrugged.

"Wish they could talk," said Acacia reflectively. "Come on.. before we go back let's go to the cafe and see about getting some raw eggs and bacon.."

**

They were a merry party as they sauntered back to their response center, two agents with three mini-Balrogs in tow.. They weren't the only ones. Several other agents had weasled one or two out of Miss Cam.

Jay sighed as they stepped through the door. "More messages," she said glumly, raising her voice over the [Bip. Bip. Bip.] "That never bodes well."

"So what are they?" Acacia sat on the rug and tossed Boromire an egg, ignoring the fact she could have checked as easily as Jay.

"To the agents Jay and Acacia.." Jay read.

"We have become aware that you are now in possesion of lightsabers. You will need to report for lightsaber safety awareness training." Jay rolled her eyes. "Mini-Balrogs will not be permitted to enter fictional continuii excepting the universes of OFUM and SNAOL."

Jay flipped to the next page. "We also have to get our new flashpatches."

Acacia sighed. "'Lightsaber safety awareness training'? Eh.. so where do we go for all this?"

"The Little Auditorium."

The Little Auditorium could seat five hundred. It wasn't an ironic title. The BIG Auditorium could seat well over a thousand..

"So, what do we do fir-"

[Beep!]

"ACK!"

**END**

[A/N: Well, that one was fairly insipid. Quite apart from the horrible spelling, would it have killed her to explain why two sets of mortal enemies were suddenly happybuddies?

~clears throat~ Anyway.

Thank yous go to Miss Cam for the minis, and to everyone who still reviews despite the lack of convenient-FFN-review-feature.]

[Jay's A/N: Though shalt not mess with Snape. Or any other Rickmanesque character, for that matter.

I did love the bit about everyone getting in their horses... and riding fifteen leagues south to Lothlorien...

Oh, yes, and thank you, Miss Cam!]


	19. Torment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

"NO!" Acacia snapped. "They've just given us ten errands to run, they can NOT send us out on another mission! Damn them!"

Jay looked at the screen. "No, they can't."

"Haven't gotten ANY sleep for-- what?" She stopped as her partner's words caught up with her.

"They're not sending US anywhere. They're sending me."

[BEEEEEP!]

“Mm… I'm sleeping, you blasted thing…”

[BEEP!]

“Oh, shut up!” Agent Dead snapped angrily, and lifted her head from the 'comfort' of her desk. “Never a moment's rest in this bloody Department.”

If Agent Heal had been there, she would probably have agreed. As it were, she was out on special assignment. Of course, all assignments in the Department of Emergencies were special. 

“What have they sent me now… The hell?!” she exclaimed and narrowed her eyes. 

Gecko the Gecko looked up, keen lizard eyes regarding the door as it opened silently. 

An assassin slipped in, moving carefully and slowly, as one would around a large, angry animal. Perhaps Agent Dead's reputation preceded her. 

"I'm supposed to partner with you for special assignment?" the stranger asked cautiously. 

Agent Dead whirled around, for a moment looking ready to kill. 

“Damnit. I'm getting old. Never sneak up on me. The last one who did that was the half-Dragon, half-Unicorn Sue and she ended up with a mountain through her head. You must be Jay.”

"I am that," the agent said solemnly, taking her statement in stride. "I've never been out on Special before. Why did they pull me, and not Acacia?"

“Boromir. I guess they feared she might react… Unprofessionally. You lucked out. Elrond's not in it.” Dead sighed. “Take a look at the Words. I'm getting my weapons. All of them.” 

"Why didn't they bring in the Department of Bad Slash?"

Dead shrugged as she headed for the locked cabinet towering at the end of the room. “Who knows. Think of it as a learning experience. Maybe they want to transfer you or have you consult on cases of both Sues and slash in one. They make the worst cases.” 

“Wouldn't surprise me. They have bounced us around like balls. We haven't even gotten a new insignia.” Jay pointed to the cactus on her shoulder. 

“You can borrow Heal's for this mission. She's undercover and left it,” Dead replied, and trust the door to the cabinet open. “What's your pleasure? Bows, swords, whips, light sabres, Unicorn-horns, axes, guns, portable nuclear weapons?”

"If I remember slash training..." the girl closed her eyes. "Just about anything, in the case of total possession. Only, we've got to have something to bind it." She shrugged, and her pack slid off her shoulder. She rummaged in it and pulled out a length of iron chain. "Had some left over." She thought a moment. "Will you be doing the killing?"

“I suppose.” Dead grabbed a whip and the something that looked like a giant dragon's tooth and closed the cabinet. “Had enough killings in the Sue Department?”

"Depends on the Sue." Jay shrugged. "This one, I'm more worried about Legolas." 

“Poor Legolas. The abuse he goes through… If it isn't a Sue, it's bad, bad, bad slash.” Dead let out a sigh. “And only because he is so pretty to the authors. Poor baby. He deserves a hug.”

Many characters do," said Jay solemnly. "Now. You're.. armed, I see. Don't let Acacia see you with those, or she'll be in here with a crowbar.. do we use default Lord of the Rings disguises?"

“She could try,” Dead replied with a smirk. “I had a rookie break into the cabinet once. The Box Jellyfish had a fabulous lunch that day. Now, disguises… You're the expert on Middle-earth, what do you suggest?”

“Orcs are convenient. No lack of them in Middle-earth.” 

“Orcs… I always feel like going to the dentist's after having been an orc. Right then. Oh, and you did go through emergency training, didn't you?”

"Halfway through. Then there was a flamethrower drill, and it never quite got back together."

Dead tsked. “Oh well. You'll learn or perish. These special missions are called special for a reason. Something always goes wrong. Always.”

"Wunderbar." Jay flourished her remote activator (she'd never let it leave her person since an unfortunate bout of "improvement" by Agent Sean had left her stranded in Power Puffverse.) "Out into the wilds?"

“Lead the way,” Dead replied, then muttered under her breath. “We'll see how wunderbar it is when the slash couple tries to abduct her and make a threesome or thinks she is an orc that can be made an Elf again. Oh yes. Wunderbar.“

/Lost, sarcasm on./ Jay noted mentally. She set the portal-- and damn the vague descriptions, the bastard-- and stepped through.

“Ugh, the stars are shining **black** ,” Dead muttered behind her. “Damn authors and their 'inventive' descriptions.”

The clearing they were in lighted as Jay flashed a picture. "One for the oddities box. Let's see, they're over-- oh NO."

“Did I not say something always went wrong?” Dead rubbed her eyes from the bright flash and groaned. “Is Aragorn turned bad already?”

"We're much too late! It's happening NOW!" The young woman cursed teutonically and sprinted away.

“Bloody hell,” Dead muttered and followed. She had no breath to groan at the horrid 'Ole English' dialogue she heard from somewhere among the trees, but her jaw set angrily.

'Thou have no right to do this to me, Aragorn.'

'Bloody right he hasn't,' she thought and sprinted on.

'Says who?' Aragorn countered.

'I do.'

Gasps and moans followed, and then incredibly, the sound of several blows as Aragorn pounced upon his Elven friend.

"Damn, damn, DAMN! And Verdammen!" Jay got into the clearing first, lungs heaving like bellows.

“Steady on,” gasped Dead, almost stumbling into the clearing behind her. “Get… Aragorn…”

The ranger looked up, clearly confused. “Did thee… Did you… Um.”

Jay grabbed his shoulder, and ripped him away from the elf. 

"If it's any consolation, I'm quite sorry for this.." she said as she bound him tightly in iron.

Legolas had not wasted a moment, going for his knives (why he had not while Aragorn was assaulting him, only a true canon-ignorer would know).

“I'm sorry, Legolas,” Dead said, for a moment looking like she truly was. Then in one movement, the whip was out and encircling him. 

“That was a bit too easy,” the agent muttered and glanced at Jay. 

Jay was muttering something. Aragorn was twitching. 

"Get ready to kill.."

“Duck,” Dead advised solemnly, and threw her dragon's tooth. 

"NOT YET!" The exorcism was only half done, a faint female figure coalescing. Jay forcefully separated her from Aragorn by throwing herself full length on him and knocking him over. "-get thee out, the power of **Tolkien** compels thee!" she finished.

Dead muttered something about “Slow youngster” and picked up her weapon from the ground. This time, the aim was spot on. 

Legolas whimpered even as canon snapped back into place. 

“Shit…” Dead cursed.

"He's trying to die!" Jay snapped in, half annoyed and half frightened. "Damn drama queen! And he's all over with bruises, we've got to get him to medical."

“And we have company,” Dead added, as loud calls could be heard. “Probably the Fellowship, reacting as they should to two of their number missing. Come on, Legolas.”

The Elf merely fell to the ground as the whip released him, staring wide-eyed at the sky, body convulsing.

Dead leaped over to him, lifting his face forcefully. “Legolas… Look at me. You know me. We met when I chased the wizard-Sue. You offered me some wine before canon came back. I got drunk and Heal had to carry me back. I know you remember when you want to. Your body is reacting to something that never happened. Just breathe…”

"Come ON, Legolas." Jay muttered. "Remember Laurel? This isn't half so bad as that.."

Legolas shuddered violently. 

“Don't remind him!” Dead snapped slightly. “Shit, here comes the Fellowship…”

"No time." Jay opened the portal. "Straight to medical, lessgo."

“Ow,” Dead complained as she hauled Legolas over her back and leaped through as gracefully as anyone can with a carried Elf in spasms. “Elves are heavier than they look…”

Fitzgerald jumped as they appeared in the medical room. "DEAR GOD! Is that a **CANON** character?"

“Oh, bite me,” Dead snapped as Legolas managed to kick her in the shin. “I remember the time you…”

“Um, yes…” Fitzgerald quickly interrupted. “What's wrong with him?” 

"Been raped. Nasty little canonical rule says he's supposed to die," Jay explained. 

“Let me look.”

Dead eased the struggling Elf onto the nearest table, stroking his forehead gently. 

“So sorry it wasn't a Sue I could kill,” she said gently. “Poor, sweet, wonderful Elf that you are.”

"You're drooling," Jay said without malice as she helped Fitzgerald collect the various tools of his trade. "Where's the dermal regenerator..?"

“So would you if you'd worked weeks in the Disney universe. Not a desirable character in sight. I like to work with a view,” Dead replied, but did edge away with one last mournful “sweet Elf.”

"Some of the men could be decent," Jay said. "Working in Star Trek, though.." She shook her head. "No-one attractive in TNG."

“Like your men to have hair, but not beard, eh?” Dead smirked as Fitzgerald leaned down over Legolas, who seemed to be cold-sweating and gasping.

“Aragorn… No…” 

"Beards are all right. Emasculated twerps aren't.." Jay moved quickly to Legolas's side. "Sunglasses on, EVERYONE. Now, look at the birdy.." 

“Twitter, twitter,” Dead offered helpfully as she donned her own sunglasses and patted Legolas's hand.

Jay opened the neuralyzer, and carefully set it. "Three days.. about.." It flashed. Legolas stilled, and his face relaxed into the slackjawed look of the recently neuralyzed.

Dead patted his hand again. “I've seen better looks on him. All right, let's get him back, fix it, and get the merry Quest back on track without the blindingly out-of-character Aragorn. Honestly… What is the fun of slash if the characters are beyond recognition?”

"Just a minute." Jay put her mouth close to the elf's ear. "You weren't raped. You're in good hands." He blinked for a minute, and then slept.

“Much better look,” Dead commented happily. “Thanks, Fitz. You had a wonderful lunch and we were never here with a canon character.”

Fitzgerald gave her a sour look.

Jay opened the portal. "To dispell author influence, we need both of us running the exorcism at once.. this should be fun."

Dead sighed. “I hate exorcisms. The first time I did one, I had the two characters literally bumping each other by my feet. I never recovered…” 

"How unpleasant." Jay shook her head. "A few minutes ago was my first..."

“At least you managed to remember the correct creator of the Universe. I managed to evoke George Lucas's name in the Sailor Moon universe. It was… Ugly.” Dead grimaced. 

"Oh, dear. That MUST have been frightening." She pondered. "I don't even know the creator of the Sailor Moon universe."

“Neither did I. I'd done four assignments in a row and was slightly dazed. The ensuing transformation of one of the characters to half-Ewok, half-Jedi woke me though. Ah, here we are…”

The fellowship was in an ungodly state of tension. Aragorn had been found, bound and shaking; Legolas was gone..

"What a mess," Jay understated.

“But no ungodly Sue to twitter about and cloud their minds,” Dead said brightly. “Aw, look the worrying hobbits… Right. Exorcism.”

"At least they're sitting still," Jay said as she scuffed a circle with her foot.

“And not speaking in 'thees' and 'thous'. How far along are they on the quest anyway? Damn unspecific timelines…”

"I don't know. The only time I remember them specifically being near a river was Lothlórien.."

“Galadriel would never stand for such a foul deed done by her future grandson-in-law near her forest,” Dead opinionated. “Ready?”

"Yep." Jay connected the circle, and consulted a piece of paper. 

"We invoke the sacred names of the Valar... in fire, wind, and earth, call Manwë, Ulmo and-- you know this is REALLY cheesy..."

“Yeah,” Dead agreed. “Hey fellowship! You're all being fuzzy because you're possessed. Stop it at once and acts as Tolkien would have you. You too, Legolas.” 

"Get the behind us, the power of Tolkien compels you! HEAL!"

Things dispelled. Canon reasserted itself forcefully, in a cinema-worthy explosion of light.

The fellowship blinked and looked at each other. Legolas rose, regarding Aragorn for a moment with a look of befuddlement, then looked onto the sky with his usual watchful eyes. 

“That went easier than I thought,” Dead commented. “Hardly an emergency. Still, little bit of panic there a while. Good.”

"My head hurts," Jay commented, having been thrown backwards some distance. "I want to go home, and NOT do that again.”

“Oh, you will,” Dead sighed. “There's always another author who wants to see two pretty characters together just because. Say, feel like lunch? I'm starved.”

"Absolutely." Jay shook her head. "It's not MUCH worse than M-Sing..”

"Ah, but just you wait till you get a Sue and slash in one..." Dead smiled. "I think it's dragonmeat-day at the Department of Emergencies cantina. Ever tried it? You get the weirdest dreams of flying afterwards…” 

"Dragon meat? Whose dragons? I've had Yolen's dragons, they're a bit bland.." 

END

[Jay's A/N: Being a slash fan, I'm rarely tempted to venture into the world of "bad slash". In fact, NC-17 is a place I like to stay out of.

But, as always seems to be the case, someone directed me towards this little gem.

It had to be PPCed. Bad slash is sadly neglected--being as how we never quite figured out how to do it. Obviously, this problem was overcome: we hope you've enjoyed your exorcism.]

[Cam's A/N: Hello! Some of you may already know my alter-ego Miss Cam, who has appeared in the PPC Universe before. But since she can't live out her secret fantasy of being a kick-ass PPC agent - Agent Dead will.

Agent Dead and Agent Heal's grand adventure into the possible worst Sue ever will eventually be up on my webpage.

I hope you enjoyed this bit of pain. Honestly, where is the fun in mutalating your characters so much they might as well be renamed Dumb and Dumber?] 


	20. The Luggage Runs Off With The One Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for we are heavily- armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle."

"Can I ask a question?" Acacia wondered.

"..what question?" said the instructor warily.

"It's 'Do you really think we don't know not to get limbs removed?'"

"I think the nice young lady on the video was simply pointing out that by lightsaber ettiquette, once you've lost a limb, the duel is over. If you'd been paying attention-"

"So sorry. We were dazzled by the seventies instruction-video corniness of it all," Jay said brightly.

"And I would think it would be fairly obvious that if you've just had a-"

"Questions to be filed in the box!" The instructor snapped, waving a frond.

"I wasn't **asking** anything," Acacia muttered.

"Comments filed in the box!" The Greenman said, his jolly face twitching.

"Okay, okay.."

"I thought it was quite interesting how the girl turned into a ghost, though."

Jay said. The greenman simply pointed with a shaking limb towards the Box.

"Let's leave, I'm hungry," said Acacia.

"Eggrolls," Jay said happily. "And eggses and bacons for de babees.."

**

" **Good** little demon-thing," said Acacia, feeding Boromire another egg.

"Izzybizzybaby? Oowantbacon? Yeees." Elrind and Traduil exchanged glances of "Yes, she's mad, but she feeds us," and ate their bacon. Jay beamed.

"They'd almost look cute, if they weren't.. well, little evil fiery demons," Acacia mused.

"They are cute. They're DORABLE. Isn't you?" Jay cuddled Elrind happily, slightly scorching her fire-resistant gear. "If we were still in Sue department, we could feed them a Sue or two every now and then.."

"Well, this **is** temporary. They'll switch us back soon enough." Acacia snorted. "Knowing them, as soon as they've found something truly horrendous."

Jay smiled. "If that's so, we should exchange that lightsaber for some more canonical weapons. Steve in Godplaying says he traded some interesting toys from someone in Genderbending.."

"What sort?"

"He didn't say. Just .. well, he called them "toys," too. Most boys won't admit that that's the function their weapons really serve."

"A useful thing for killing things with."

"Toys." Jay shrugged. "Let's check it out, eh?"  
  
**

"Very.. **in** teresting.." said Acacia.

Jay was merely staring at the odd away of weapons laid out on the table.

Steve grinned madly. "Come on, all this for one little lightsaber.."

Acacia stared. "But they're TOYS. The butcher knife looks useful, and the watch is nice. But the rest- You said weapons!"

"They are!"

"Jacks?"

"Well, yes, special jacks.."

"And Jacks in the box-" Acacia picked one up disdainfully and turned the crank.

"Agh!" Jay broke out of her trance, seized her partner, and threw the little box to the corner of the room. As the cheerful little tune played, she dragged Acacia behind the table, where Steve was waiting.

There was an earth-shattering Kaboom.

"..okay, so that was cool," said Acacia.

"Acy? Please don't throw any more jackbombs about." Jay peeked up over the table. "Everything looks all right.."

"Apart from the scorch marks." Acacia grinned. The explosion had been rather nice-looking.

"He told you they were weapons..." Jay turned to Steve. "Where did you get these, again?"

"Greg in Genderbending, remember?"

"An Alice GenderBender?" Jay shuddered. "Gyahhh."

"What's all that about?"

"Alice. A video game. Based on the books by Lewis Caroll. Lux showed me. These are all weapons from Alice.."

"..ah."

"I don't want to know if Alice was Genderbent. I really don't. For one thing, a guy'd look very silly in her pretty little pinafore."

Acacia pictured this, and started laughing.

Jay pictured this as well. She snorted. "And the little apron.. with the bow in the back.. and the button up boots--"

"Very strange," said Acacia, looking at the table again. "What do these jacks do?"

Jay picked them up gingerly, and flicked her wrist. The central tines suddenly became quite sharp. "They target, too."

"Cool.."

"The blunderbuss handles like a cannon. Probably kill us if we tried to use it." Jay inspected the rest of the weapons. "Ice Wand's fun, but it's quite draining to use."

"I'm not sure if I want to ask you where you found all this out."

"Is it a crime to like video games?" Jay smiled happily. "And there are fan sites, and-"

"All right then. Pity we won't be able to use most of these in-canon," said Acacia wistfully.

"Sad," Jay agreed. "But butcher knives work anywhere!"

"Well, yes."

"Did we bring along the lightsaber?"

Acacia fished the spare saber out of her pocket. "Yep."

Steve practically drooled; he was a fanboy at heart. "Take'm. They're yours."

"Fun." Acacia began gathering up the various toys.

"Watch the dice, watch the dice!" Jay grabbed them before they hit the floor. "All right. Let's get CAREFULLY back to our response center."

**

Acacia finished stacking the toys in the back of the response center, Jay having explained to her repeatedly why it was a Really Bad Idea just to drop them.

[Beep?] the computer beeped.

"Hallo! Crossover-" Jay hopped over. Then she jumped up and punched a fist in the air. "YES!"

"What?"

"Lord of the Rings and DISCWORLD!"

"FUN!"

Jay read through it. "Hey, and it's short! And-- oh. Oh, my."

Acacia stood up. "What happens?"

"Um. Boromir. He. Um. Well, something eats him."

Acacia choked.

"And.. well.. it's.. not something I'D tangle with."

"Jay..? What is it?"

Jay gave her a wide-eyed look. "The Luggage."

Acacia sat down again.

Well.. "sat" in the loosest sense of the word.

Jay stared at the screen. "I don't think we've got the firepower to muck with the Luggage. Heck, I don't think the Imperial Fleet has the firepower to muck with the luggage..."

Acacia had folded a corner of the rug over her face, in the manner of a pillow when one really does not want to get out of bed.

"Can we send it back first?" she asked, rather muffledly.

"Well, it's the first canon breach, because it happens right when they meet it." Jay looked shellshocked. "Damnit. ..the LUGGAGE. I'm going to put in a request for a month's vacation at the Imperial Hotel.. if I survive."

"I was looking forward to a Discworld one."

"So was I." Jay walked over to the pile of toys and picked up a rather pretty crystalline structure on a gold handle-- the ice wand. "If I remember right, this thing can make walls.."

"That might help.."

"Yeah, for about three seconds. Ready to go?"

"If you mean 'would waiting make me any readier', it wouldn't."

"Fabulous."

Acacia sighed. "What'll we be?"

"I think.. just people for this one."

"Sounds okay."

The portal opened more readily than usual. It almost seemed eager.

Neither of them moved.

"Aren't you going to go?"

Jay pursed her lips. "Um.. Is it just me, or is it trying to get rid of us?"

"If it can do that, we're in trouble."

"We aren't already?"

Acacia sighed. "Yes. We are. Now lead on, Dave."

Jay steeled herself, gripped the ice wand tightly, and stepped through.

**

The frigid wind whipped around them as they landed in the snow.

Meanwhile, some ten yards down the mountain, Frodo dropped the Ring. AGAIN.

He dropped the damn Ring AGAIN.

Except this time, he'd managed to drop the rest of him with it. Everybody turned to stare at him.

"So it turns up **here**?"

"Yes. It's called "The Luggage Runs Off With The One Ring," Jay said through chattering teeth.

Acacia sat down in the snow, for once completely ignoring the cold. "Do **you** like the idea of trying to make it give the damn' thing back? 'Cause I don't."

"Our best bet is to get it back through to the Disc just before it eats Boromir. Then all we have to do is head for Lorien and get the flaming kitchen off of Galadriel."

Acacia blinked. "Surely you mean kitten?"

"You dearly wish, my friend."

Acacia looked at the words.

"Ye gods.. one would think Rincewind of all people **wouldn't** throw an unknown substance onto a fire.."

"Yes, his sense of self preservation is shot. How OOC do you think he must be?"

"Well, given that said sense of self-preservation is the better part **of** his character.."

The Ring had fallen from Frodo's grasp and landed about a foot in front of him. Everybody fell silent and stared at it.

Boromir stepped forward to pick it up. "Such a small thing..." The group watched him warily.

"Is the line so HARD to get right?" Acacia sulked. "In all the times we've seen this.. how many authors knew what was actually said?"

"I can count it on the fingers of one foot. Oh, here comes the stupid fight scene-- we may be able to get through it if we keep repeating, "this is supposed to be funny" over and over again-oh, great!" Jay suddenly leapt forward to snatch the ring out of the snow.

Suddenly, a flash of octarine appeared atop of the Ring (or rather, where it had been). Everybody stepped back, then realised what they were doing and drew their weapons.

Foolishly.

Jay having retrieved what it had been brought in through a transparent plot contrivance to get, the Luggage stood for a moment where it had appeared, looking at where it actually **was** first.

"Get it! It's after the Ring!" Boromir lunged at the... whatever it was again with his sword drawn (he wasn't about to lunge with his fists. He wasn't THAT brave). Gandalf raised his staff and shot a bolt of pretty light at it, melting all the snow in its path and the back of Frodo's head.

"This is supposed to be funny. This is supposed to be funny..."

"It **missed**."

The Luggage (of course) remained unaffected.

Legolas and Gimli shot arrows and hacked away with axes at each other. Elves and Dwarves had a natural thing for each other, and since everybody else was busy with the box - even the little halflings were staring at it in a dazed sort of way - they decided to go for it, and see for themselves what the other was hiding. Thus, they tried to kill each other. Again.

"Oh," said Acacia, " **that's** nice. I know they didn't like each other, but I'd never thought 'murder'.."

"All the characters are farked up. Wait till you see the descriptions-"

Aragorn was a little bit more wary of the thing that had appeared in their midst. First of all, it had managed to eat the Ring (but he wasn’t quite sure about that one, actually). Secondly, it had legs. Thirdly, it was a box. Fourthly, it was a box with legs that had eaten the Ring and had suddenly appeared in their midst. Put together, these did not bode well, and, being slightly more intelligent than his companions, he did not attack the thing.

"Brighter than Gandalf?"

Aragorn swore it was watching him.

It probably was.

Its attention was suddenly diverted when Boromir stuck his sword in its lid. Fairly deep in its lid, actually. The Luggage snapped his lid at him threateningly and jumped away. Aragorn swore he saw a flash of teeth.

Gandalf backed away slightly. This was a new developement in the situation. And he wasn't going to get to use the bleach for at least a book and a half, so staying alive was definately in the cards. He'd always thought bleach tasted nice as a child, but noo, his mother had to ruin it all....

"That answer your question?"

"Yes." Acacia sighed. "Where did he find a mother, anyway?"

"K-mart," Jay snapped.

Boromir was the only person who **didn't** seem to get the hint. He charged again.

The lid opened.

Jay was too far away- "Acacia!"

Had anyone been listening to the laws of logic, Acacia would probably not have been able to tackle him to the ground, given how much bigger he was than her. But this was, in fact, what she managed to do.

They rolled down the slope for a ways. When they finally crunched to a stop, Boromir looked down and gasped, "What are you doing?!"

Upslope, the Fellowship were trying to reconcile two images-- one, that Boromir had been eaten by the box, and two, that someone in black had tackled him before he reached it. "Eaten by the box" won.

Aragorn stared a little bit more. Then, finally, he shrugged, "I never trusted him anyway". The company nodded in agreement.

Two angry voices drifted up.

"WHAT?"

"I'm going to KILL the author!"

"Author?"

"I mean, really, really painfully."

"Oh, and-- why, my lady, did you tackle me?"

"The box is really, really dangerous. And I **mean** really. As you should have noticed, because you're not an idiot, remember?"

"Ah. Yes." Boromir blinked, realized he was pinning Acacia to the ground, and rolled off of her as chivalrously as was, in the circumstances, possible.

Acacia sat up, looking very slightly disappointed.

Jay's frightened scream pierced through her dissappointment. "Oh, CRIPES! The bloody thing still wants the ring!"

"Open a portal?" Acacia suggested. "It's sapient pearwood, it should want to get back to Rincewind.."

"IT'S UNDER AUTHORIAL INFLUENCE!" Jay yelped, throwing herself down the slope. The Luggage followed.

Jay managed to get to her knees, and pull out the ice wand. She concentrated, and an icy barrier formed in the way of the luggage just before it could reach her. It rebounded, blinked, smashed through the ice--

\--and charged straight into a portal.

Jay slumped.

"That was close," said Acacia mildly.

For a moment, Jay stared at her in wide-eyed incomprehension. Then, she opened her mouth and squeaked "CLOSE?"

Extremely." She sighed. "Look, if you can think of a better word, go on. If not, I suggest we set things up so the scene can happen properly this time, and go help Galadriel extinguish her hair?"

"You set things up. I'm going to sit here and try to breathe, right?"

"Then hand it over so I can."

Jay moved to hand over the ring.. and paused.

"Oh, NO you don't." Acacia snatched it away. " **Really** , Jay, you **know** better." She stomped up the slope. "Come on, Boromir, follow."

When she got to the rest of the Fellowship she put on her sunglasses, set it down in the snow, and knocked Frodo over.

[FLASH.]

"Frodo has just slipped and fallen. Again. And a big wooden chest on hundreds of legs did not come and go, nor did it eat anyone in any way whatsoever. And Legolas and Gimli, put up the weapons."

"Hurrah," Jay said weakly. "Now-- to Lorien!"

**

"Incidentally, how did they think even an elf would survive a burning room to the head?" Acacia wondered.

"Rather the same way Frodo was supposed to survive having his head melted?" Jay surveyed the damage. "If we put a really big portal -under- it.. And get the elves out first.."

"Sounds reasonable." She considered. "I assume we want to send the kitchen back to Ankh-Morpork.."

"Do you think Rincewind wants it back in THIS shape?"

"Since when did Rincewind want anything that happened to him?"

"How true." Jay frowned. "Where can we drop it that it'll cause the least damage? On the Ankh?"

"Probably catch fire."

"No, they use netfuls of it to put out fires."

"..good point. All right, we dump it there." Acacia looked as if she was considering something.

Jay dug in her pack. "Well, I've got my flameproof things-- let's do search and rescue. And please put Lady Galadriel's hair out."

Acacia did this, by the simple expedient of dunking her head in the Mirror and then using the neuralizer before any objections were raised.

"Oh, Acy, Rumil's under here! Come help!"

Acacia headed over to the pinned elf. "What'm I supposed to do?"

"Well.. if I heave up this beam HERE, you can drag him out.. I think.."

Acacia pulled Haldir's brother out from under the kitchen.

Owing to the same plothole that had allowed Galadriel to survive its landing on her head, the kitchen had set Rumil's clothing alight but hadn't hurt him badly.

"I think everyone else got out." Jay fiddled with the settings on the Remote Activator. "Get everyone back, I'm not sure about the size of this.."

"Stand back everyone!"

It's amazing how many people, even if normally distrustful of strangers, will do as you say if you appear to be the only one around who knows what's going on.

Jay opened the portal, and the kitchen fell through. A "flurbt" sound, as might be made by a heap of wood falling on a large mass of gelatin, drifted through.

"Well, that was.. comparatively not difficult.."

"Acacia?" Jay's partner was eyeing the portal as if it were something good to eat. "Earth to Acacia.."

"I want to go through!"

"Acy, we'd land on the Ankh!" Jay sighed, and fished about for something to distract her. "Snap out of it, or.. or.. I'll read out loud how the author described Boromir!"

"Then can we portal somewhere else? I want to see the Rimfall. Always wanted to see that. Or the Hublights, or Unseen University. Can't we?"

"You're NOT SNAPPING..." Jay put her fingers in her ears and read aloud, "The other rather insignificant members of the party were as follows: Gandalf the Grey (sexual preference unknown), Wizard. Gimli, Short Dwarf With Big Axe. Boromir, Rather Boring Man... "

A smooth transition from wistfulness to rage should be impossible without passing through at least one other emotion on the way, but Acacia managed it. "I DON'T believe I have to take that from someone enamoured of the Token bloody Elf!"

"Aragorn, Man of Many Names with a Really-Screwed Bloodline. Oh, and an Elf. Blonde, long hair, looks like a girl to some and named Legolas." Jay finished and unplugged her ears. She then turned about and ran, because Acacia had lunged at her.

Jay was not the epitome of grace. She tripped and fell. She fell, in fact, for quite a ways, but her fall was fortunately broken by something giving. Acacia, chasing her, fell as well.

Acacia promptly held her nose. "Always ndew it stugk, but dis.."

"Smedd somethige lige id before," Jay said.

"Whed?"

"Labyridth fic. Bog of eterdal stedch." Jay hopped on the river, and bounced slightly. "Cobe od, led's ged OUD of here.."

"Good idea." Acacia picked herself up, trying to make as little contact with the rancid river as was possible. They trudged off it, walking around the still-smoldering kitchen, and climbed up onto a handy jetty.

"So. We're in Ankh Morpork," Jay said, when her nose had finally gone dead. "I do hope you're happy."

"I am!" Acacia grinned broadly. "Can we go see UU? Or the Patrician's Palace? I want to see the gardens. Or the Drum? Or the Watch House- I really want to see Vimes, and Angua, and Cheery, and Det-"

"ALL RIGHT!" Jay sighed. "Fine. Fine. I'll even lend you my Polaroid." She grinned. "But I get it back for Vetinari."

"And then can we portal to the Rim? And Cori Celesti? And-"

"Oh, for Pete's sake. I bet you want to go visit the Time Monks, too, to see the Mandala."

"Yep!"

"GAH!" Jay sighed. "All right, but we get to go visit Susan's classroom, yes? And the temple of the Balancing Monks?"

"Of course."

**

"But the HEDGEHOG," the wizened old woman caroled (term used loosely), "Can never be buggered at all!"

Jay scribbled frantically at her notepad, transcribing the lyrics.

Acacia wasn't listening, being far too busy looking at the large number of pictures she'd just taken of the Rimfall and Hublights, and wishing she could see in octarine. And that the camera picked it up.

Nanny Ogg finished the last verse, to great applause from the rest of the tavern.

"Time to go home, I think."

"I guess," said Acacia reluctantly. "Would have liked to have met Death, too, but I don't really think that would work."

"Not to mention that it's been TWO DAYS."

"Tell me **you** didn't want to see the sunrise here."

"It was an enlightening two and a half hours, that's for certain.."

"Yes, and you spent longer than that taking pictures of His Lordship."

"Don't THINK I didn't notice you drooling over Vimes!"

"We only spent about an hour in the Watch House. For five minutes of which, I will add, he was actually there. We spent longer than that in Leonard's workshop."

"And the rest of it you spent talking to Cheery about poison. I had to crowbar you away."

Acacia looked miffed. "I get to chat to a forensic alchemist, and what did you **expect**?"

"If we get sacked, I'm going to blame you. No, wait, they wouldn't do that-- shortage-- if we get our pay docked, I'm going to blame you."

"Didn't notice you trying to drag me away from the Monks Of Cool."

"Was too tired from prying you away from Lu-Tze's garden."

Acacia sighed. "Okay. No point spending any **more** time here if we're only going to argue with it, is there?"

"Yes, I suppose." Jay yawned. "I'm going to collapse, I think. Didn't sleep so well at the Y-M-R-C-O-T-I-G-B-S-A."

Jay opened the portal-it fizzled to life reluctantly. She staggered through, collapsing onto the unicorn fur rug.

Acacia stepped back into the response center. Her usual place on the rug taken, she gave Jay a dirty look and sat in her chair.

Jay ignored the glare, already asleep.

But of course..

**[BEEP!]**

**END**

[Acacia's A/N: Whee! Discworld! ~sighs happily~ The thing I most wanted to do in Implausible Crossovers is now done.

Because of a *really* stupid fic.

Really, I've been hoping to find a LotR/Disc fic for some time- I went in prepared to forgive much. But *this*?

..although, of course, asking me to find anything good about any fic that insults Boromir is a bit like saying "Yes, but apart from that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?" I dunno- possibly I'm overreacting. Don't think so, though, somehow.]

[Jay’s A/N: Not one, but two instances of complete wish fulfillment: first, gaining possession of the "toys" from Alice; second, getting to see the Disc. We’ll try not to do it again. Jay sounds more like me and less like Jay this time-I’m just too tired to be perky.

We both apologize for not updating in such a long time-I, for one, have been dying of school. Oh, but I’m happy to report that another Exceedingly Good Tolkien author has been found-check out TheStaggeringElf’s fics. Incredible Silmfic, and that’s just the beginning.

Yes, I know it was supposed to be a parody.

But it wasn’t a very good one.]


End file.
